Unspeakable
by Apple Fairy
Summary: An affair behind closed doors. A scandal in the making. Two people, young and in love. Natalia and Guy realize what they had done was wrong, but it was still a secret between them both. An affair that had ended. And this is their story. GuyNat, romantic
1. Her words: Rain

Hello and good to see you, reader! Apple Fairy here! .

Well, a GuyNat fic for you. I hope you'll enjoy it, and not judge it too harshly.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Tales of the Abyss.

* * *

_Unspeakable_

_Story by Apple Fairy_

* * *

_It was wrong. All wrong. Terrible and horrible and…unspeakable. What we did was wrong._

_And wonderful. So wonderful. So wonderful and beautiful and…perfect._

_You know it, as well as me. It was wrong. All wrong. And so very good, too._

_It was love._

* * *

Which would it be; a memoir, or a confession?

When I looked it up, the definition of a memoir had read as thus: _"an account of an author's personal experience"_.

Then, I compared it to the definition of 'confession' which was: _"a statement acknowledging guilt, made by one accused or charged with an offense"._

After contemplating it for awhile, I finally sighed loudly and collapsed onto the paper, frustrated and confused. Then, after closing my eyes, I realized it was both. I cherished it enough for it to be acknowledged as a memoir, and regretted it enough to be called a confession.

Then, looking back onto these memories, finally standing back and staring at them as a whole, I began to think of him. I began to think of who he was to me and what we had done together. I began to think of his wild blond hair, and his trusting blue eyes that looked through every lie you told, and his scent. He always had a strange smell to him. It was a mix of soil and metal and other unpleasant things.

Yet, they were good on him.

I thought…what would he consider it?

My love with your handsome blue eyes, would you be content with it and bless it as a memoir?

My love with your intoxicating touches, would you be ashamed of it and curse it as a confession?

I apologize, my addicting sweet, I am not to think of you as my 'love', am I?

It's hard, very hard, but I'll try.

Like how I'll try to appropriately name this prose.

"Unspeakable." I whispered and turned the word for awhile in my head, examining every side and meaning that associated with it.

Yes. Perfect. It fit, mostly because it sounded just like our love.

What we had was unfathomable. It was too beautiful for words, and too forbidden to be spoken of. What we had was not just a relationship a man and a woman share when an attraction is present, but a shameful affair behind closed doors that, if known, could've ruined us both. What we had was not just subtle and kind admiration, but passionate guilty pleasures and forbidden fruit kisses.

We knew, at all times, what we did was wrong, but we didn't care. (Well, we did, but to an extent.)

We had continued our passion nonetheless, but then it had to stop. I just…and he couldn't…

Anyway.

So, here I am now, confessing (or writing a memoir about) what had occurred between us in a quick, guilt-ridden courtship that had ended just as soon in a sad, yet clean-cut separation.

I know I should've left these memories behind a long time ago. I should've blocked them out, locked them away, and I should've thrown away the key. I was supposed to act like none of it happened; that we had never fallen in love, that we hadn't ever even shared any of those forbidden feelings. Yet, I don't think I'll ever forget them. So, please, let me write about them, just admit one last time what had happened. Maybe I write this because of what has happened?

It doesn't matter now. None of it does. All that matters is this pen I hold in my hand, and the job it will do for me. All that matters is what I remember, and what I write. Then, after that, not even these memories will matter, because they will no longer exist. After this, I will permanently put them behind me.

Forever.

Where should I start though? Our first meeting? No. When the attraction had first began?

I think I'll begin there.

* * *

The first thing I remember about this memory is the taste of salt. There's no other way to explain the taste; only that is was that of salt.

Oh, but it was wet, too. I suppose that counts for something.

Upon re-reading this, I realize it sounds like I am explaining a passionate kiss in the sea.

My love, you would laugh at that, wouldn't you?

Either way, it wasn't an ocean kiss I remember, goodness no.

I had been crying.

Crying, because my childhood friend and love and fiancé had been kidnapped. Because Luke had been stolen from us, his loved ones. None of us knew if he'd come back alive or well, or if he'd come back at all. Obviously I was sad, and I did want to cry, yet I wouldn't allow myself to. I was a princess, and I had to be strong. I had to trust that Duke Fabre would bring him back. I mean, if I let something like this hurt me, what sort of princess would I be in the future?

However, I realize I _had_ cried.

It wasn't Luke's disappearance that set me off. Neither was the pain in realizing Madame Fabre needed someone to comfort her, and I would have to face her as well. The worry I had for her, when I entered her room had grown. But that didn't set me off, but the strength she tried to have.

The strength she tried to muster, that just wouldn't come. The strength she faked but just wouldn't do. That smile she showed that tried to cover up the rest of her, who was so sick with worry, so sad with concern, which failed its job.

It was heart-breaking.

I tried to cheer her up. I'm still not certain if it was for her, or me, or for the both of us; the two of us, forced to stay home, while the others went out to look, to search, while we could only pray for help.

She saw my concern, and looked at me with pity-filled eyes. Pity. Sympathy. It always seems to follow me everywhere.

She smiled that weak smile, and thanked me for the visit. She had, in a way, politely asked me to leave. I obliged. The chocking feeling in my chest was hurting too much. The feeling of insignificance was overwhelming. I was drowned by that feeling of vulnerability.

And so, I closed the door to her chambers behind me, and stood there. Just stood there, staring off into space, my mind blank.

Then, I ran.

I ran as if I was fast enough, I would be rewarded. Like, Luke would come back. Or maybe, Luke wouldn't be gone at all. He would be there. If I ran fast enough, the sad feelings, the harsh reality wouldn't be able to catch up to me. I just ran and ran, turning corner and corner, not sure where I was going, merely staying in the moment, refusing to plan ahead.

Then, I ended up in the courtyard. It had begun to rain, the symphony of nature playing its monotone tune of pitter-patter. I noticed I was breathing heavily, having run so much. My chest was beating against my rib cage; my legs were aching and throbbing with pain. I ignored it all, ignored the fact that I had stopped, and ignored the fact I had no where to go, and merely ran to Luke's room, his room that was separate from the manor. The travel to there was…like an illusion. I was slowly waking up, slowly realizing what was going. The pain, and memories, and the helplessness were catching up to me, were so close I could hear them whispering in my ear what was happening and how I could never help.

Or was I reminding myself? It's hard to say.

I stopped and collapsed on his porch. The rain continued it's concerto around me, the rain sounding like it was playing just for me. Soft sounds colliding with the ground. I tried to concentrate on this simple thing. On these plain and basic sounds. I tried to wrap my head around them, tried to count all the raindrops as they hit all at once, or at different sporadic times. When I had gotten past the number of eight-hundred, I grew sick of it, and so did the pain. It didn't like being ignored. It didn't like being pushed out of my mind, of being less noticed in favor of something as trivial as _rain._

In vain, I continued trying to focus on nature's work of art, tried to only focus on that, so I wouldn't be forced to hear the pain's whispers telling me I was weak, that he wasn't coming back, that there was nothing I could do. It hurt, and I tried my best, really, but then it came to be too much. I couldn't keep it farther any longer, and my mind forced itself to fall in love with the pain's whispers, and it all crashed down onto me like one giant tidal wave.

I cried.

I began to cry, the cold of the rain biting into my bones, the feeling of misery claw at my heart. I cried, and cried, the tears running down my cheeks, onto his porch, and my sinuses became foul, and soon I was sniffling and hiccupping and just wishing, _begging,_ really, for someone to bring him back. For someone to make Madam Fabre to stop faking the strength that I couldn't have for her, and for someone to please, just please make sure no one found me.

But he found me. Guy always found me.

"Princess Natalia?"

I froze. For one second, as I cried, I forgot who I was and where I was, and why in the world I was crying. All I knew was despair and the feeling of hope running away from me, deeming me a doubtful case. For a while, all I was was a girl, crying, wishing to be left alone, wishing for the world to just stop for awhile, wishing for just one moment alone, with my tears and the rain as my companions.

But to this person, this person who was dripping wet, with his blonde hair matted and his blue eyes worried, I was someone who needed sympathy.

I widened my eyes in shock. My mind took awhile to register who I am and where I was, and who this person is.

Guy.

I had known Guy. He was Luke's personal servant, and that was all he had been to me. Sure, I had known he had a fear of women, and that he was just a bit more handsome than Luke, but that was the most I had known of him. Other than that, he was just someone in the background, someone who always had to accompany Luke who had never proved to be more than a servant.

But at that moment, Guy was becoming more than 'Luke's servant' and to someone who had seen me cry.

"Princess Natalia, what's wrong?! Why are you crying?!" He asked, worried, kneeling down to see me. I wasn't sure what to say. I wanted to be left alone, left alone to cry. To think, and despair, and to just be _alone_.

But I didn't want to be alone. I wanted Luke; However, what I got was Guy.

"I…I-I…" I chocked on the words. The large lump in my throat hurt, and I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to be seen, and I didn't want to talk I just wanted-!

"Here."

Suddenly, a handkerchief. A plain one, with what looked like faded stains of…oil? That's my guess to this day. Guy did have a habit of working on fontech with that as his only washcloth...

I didn't even bother to be disgusted with it. I didn't even care that it was a dirty old thing. All I was, was surprised. Surprised at this sudden show of compassion. My heart jumped at his kindness, which I obviously hadn't asked for, which I wasn't somebody he had known that well that he still acted so to.

I was touched, to say the least.

After awhile of hesitation, I finally took it from him, careful not to touch him, and wiped away my tears. He waited patiently for the tears to stop, for me to calm down, as the rain pitter-pattered around us.

And it felt like all that existed in the world, was us. Like I wasn't in Auldrant anymore, but a different sort of world. Like I was…dreaming. It all felt so unreal, so make-believe, I might as well have been dreaming.

I mean, at that moment in my life, who would have thought that _Guy _of all people would be the one to help me?

"There…feel better?" He asked gently when I could finally see without tears. I felt exposed all of a sudden, vulnerable. Like he was seeing right through me, like I had just admitted a terrible secret to him.

Yet, with the rain singing around us, I also felt safe and yet, defenseless around him. Like I said, it all felt like a dream.

I nodded a miserable nod. I wasn't sure what expression he made, for I avoided his eyes, avoided his face in all, clutching onto that rag like it was all I could use to comfort myself.

"…Are you ready to talk?"

I closed my eyes, and turned my head downwards. Talk? Talk about what? About how helpless I was? About how I missed Luke so terribly? How I wished I could be strong for Madam Fabre, except for her doing it for me?

"Is it about Master Luke?"

And yet, I needed no words. Guy knew. He always did. He not only saved me the trouble of crying alone, but also for speaking for myself. He was always good at cheering me up. He did it better than anyone else could.

I'm grateful for that.

I nodded once more. I still avoided his gaze, his face, and waited for him to say something, maybe something out of pity, maybe something out of fake kindness.

Yet, he said nothing. I was confused, but looked up to him.

"I miss him, too."

The look on his face, the way he said it, made my heart and body shiver. I felt…good. Not alone anymore, but…good. I had a friend in this. Someone who understood and didn't try to hide it with fake strength, but admitted it right there. Told me indirectly that I wasn't alone. That I had him.

He didn't give me sympathy, like I expected. No, he gave empathy, which was much better.

He smiled a forced smile to me.

"I'm sure he misses us, too. When he comes back…let's welcome him back with a smile okay? No more crying, your highness. Luke wouldn't want that."

And then, the rain began to let up, the concert letting up, the band packing up and leaving one by one. The soft pitter-patter slowed down, and then all the rain drops, all eight-hundred and plus, stopped. I felt my heart lift. No. Luke wouldn't want that. In this dream world, I believed Guy. I believed because he cheered me up, better than anyone else did.

He just had that sort of aura around him.

And for the first time while this was all occurring, I spoke to Guy.

"…Thank you."

He smiled wider, and stood up, the fresh sun shining behind him, casting a shadow onto me.

"As long as you're happy, princess."

And my heart skipped a beat. His words had been so gentle, and his smile so soft, the way the sun shone behind him so beautifully…

Breath-taking. Simply breath-taking.

At that moment, I felt like I was seeing Guy for the first time. I was seeing Guy as a whole person, in general. I was witnessing his kind demeanor, his handsome face, his gentle blue eyes…

He was not just 'Luke's servant' any longer, but someone who had helped me stop crying.

I gulped and nodded dumbly.

"Th-Thank you for that as well, then…" I muttered, and stood up on my own, dusting my backside of any dirt, feeling the water drip off my hair. I looked to him, and noticed he was wet as well. I giggled. His cheeks pinkened and he looked at me confused.

"Wh-What? What is it, your majesty?" He asked skeptically. I smiled at him, and pointed to his hair.

"We're soaked."

"A-Ah!"

He looked himself over, and a blushed flavored his face. He laughed nervously.

"I was so worried about you, I didn't notice…I mean, you were running like something was chasing you…" He tried to explain. That last bit had caught my attention.

"You saw me running?"

"Yeah…you're faster than I thought. It was hard to catch up to you." He chuckled good-heartedly. Now, it was my turn to blush.

"H-How unlady-like for a princess to be running in a manor like that…" I scolded myself, reality coming back to me. When the rain let up, the dream was leaving. I felt myself waking up as the sun shined on us, the air hot and muggy. Once again, I was Princess Natalia, and he was a servant who had cheered me up.

"You had your reasons. It was only me, anyway. I…I don't think anyone else saw you."

"Well, thank goodness!"

He laughed. I smiled. And suddenly, the pain's whispers were blocked out by our conversation.

Thank goodness, indeed.

After his laughter died down, there was only silence. We smiled at each other for awhile, my heart swelling. I was pretty sure his was, too.

He was the first to look away.

"…Are you going to be alright?"

Then, the pain, although dull now, made it's presence known. I didn't feel it; only remembered it. I wanted to continue our small chat, but decided it didn't really matter; there would be other chances.

"Yes. Thank you, once more, Guy."

"Anytime, princess. I have to go now, alright? I still have chores and all…"

"Oh, yes, right! Don't let me keep you! G-Go on, Guy…"

He smiled, and nodded, walking back to the manor. I watched him go silently, then looked down, something catching my eye.

"Wait! You forgot something!"

He half-turned to me.

"What?"

"Your handkerchief..."

He shrugged and smiled an easygoing smile.

"Keep it."

And with another shrug, a few steps, he was gone, back to his duties as a servant. I only stood there, dumbly, suddenly feeling embarrassed, even if no one had seen me. I looked down to the rag, and then back to the door he had left through. Without thinking, I began to wipe my face with it of the rainwater. My nose caught something, and I breathed in the peculiar scent.

It smelled like…him. Like metal, and oil, and…well, _him._

Do you ever notice that some people have this sort of personal scent about them? Where if you smell something you similar, you think of them. Maybe it's the soap they use, or the environment they work or live in, but you can always tell it's their scent?

Yes. Guy had that. It smelled just like him.

And I…embarrassing as it is now to admit it…liked it. It smelled somewhat unpleasant to my tastes, but it was him. I…liked it.

I closed my eyes, and replayed the moment Guy looked down to me, sun shining behind him, casual smile decorating his face. Remembering it made me feel…nice. Good. Happy. And most of all…warm. Very warm.

"He's breath-taking."

I widened my eyes. Was that…my voice? Did I really just say that now? And why?

I felt my ears get hot, and shrugged off my strange behavior, shoved the handkerchief into my skirt pocket, and the thoughts of Guy aside, and set back home.

Father would worry.

I tried to forget the strange thing I had said, yet my heart's rapid beats would show I had not completely forgotten _him_.

* * *

It should have stayed like that. A quick two-minute infatuation, and that's it. No more, and it would have been more convenient if it had been a lot less.

But we crossed the line. We just had to take it further. We had to cross the boundaries and laugh at common-sense in the face. We…were young and foolish. I regret it. It's…unspeakable, after all.

When something momentous in your life occurs, and after all of it has taken it's toll, positively or negatively, you have the chance to look back and see what had started it all, what had led to what, and who was responsible for this or that.

When I look back at our affair, I noticed we are both to blame.

For example, you didn't mean to be so astounding when you stood up and smiled at me, but you were. Also, it's not like I planned to be smitten with you as you acted so charming, but I just was. We were both doing it unknowingly, going on instinct, reacting without meaning to. It was not our faults, but there is still no one else to blame.

However, that is not to say our relationship was an accident, goodness no.

No, we also had both pushed it to the edge, had both taken it as far as we could, throwing care to the wind, and fell into the danger's void, holding each other as tight as we could, all knowingly.

And after realizing all that, after analyzing everything, after knowing what I had done was dangerous and wrong and completely forbidden I had only one question for myself: Why?

And I answered that question, quietly.

Because we had been in love. It was as simple as that.

* * *

That's the end of it! Thank you for reading! :3

Yes, there will be more chapters. And yes, they will be muuch better than this! Dx

Sorry for the bad grammar! And if I made them OOC, or something…

Either way, thank you once again for reading! Ciao and have a wonderful day! x3

-Apple Fairy


	2. Her words: Friendship

Hello and good to see you, reader! Apple Fairy here! .

Well, here's chapter two! Still sorta bland…sorry. Dx

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Tales of the Abyss.

* * *

_Unspeakable_

_Story by Apple Fairy_

* * *

_Closer._

_Ever closer. Just a bit more._

_Ah. There we go._

_Isn't that better? Being friends, than acquaintances?_

_Just a bit more though._

_A little longer._

_And then, we can be lovers._

* * *

The unfortunate thing about candlelight is that it's very ineffective in darkness like this. It's much too dim, and it hurts my eyes because of it. I dearly wish I wouldn't have to use such primitive modes of lighting, but a lamp would attract unwanted attention. I mean, it's not as if I would want anyone to read this…It would cause quite a stir. It would bring about that scandal we had so sorely feared, yet luckily avoided. It still remains our secret, our 'dirty laundry', if you would. Unless one of us was to confess to it, then, and only then, would anybody else know.

But with you trying your best to bring back the Gardios line, and me, being the prideful princess of Kimlasca, I don't think that it will be happening anytime soon. Thank goodness.

We had kept it a secret back then; so very tight a lid was on it. No one knew. Not Luke, or father, or even Asch…

Asch.

…Either way.

The bottom line is, is that I'd dread it if someone were to read this.

Yet, why do I write it then?

If I do not wish anyone to read this as I claim, then why am I writing it in the first place? As stated before, a scandal of an amazing caliber would occur if this were found. Is it because of what is going to happen? Is it because of what has already happened? Perhaps I just want to get this off my chest, before I have to see your face again. Before my heart tricks itself into thinking it's okay now. That there is nothing holding us back, that our love is very well accepted now. That Malkuth and Kimlasca are on good terms, that we are both of the same status, that he probably feels the same way as I do. Locked up and full of love long past dead?

What a foolish heart I have.

Either way, I'm not full of dead feelings. Yes, your goodbye left a lot to be desired, but, my love, it does not mean I miss those days. Those passionate and sweet days that made me feel so warm and good, reaching into the core of my body, and making me feel loved.

When I was in love with you, I felt…childish. Spoiled. Loved. Very well loved.

I have to admit, without any shame, my love; it was like you were born for it. To be charming, to be doting, to be gentle.

The perfect lover.

However, that certainly does not mean I still harbor such feelings for you. Goodness no. Those were days long since past. These feelings are dead. I trust that you do not feel such a way, too, my love?

Actually, now that I have noticed it, why am I addressing as my 'love', all of a sudden? Why not 'Guy' or 'Count Gailardia' as I will tomorrow?

No, I have not fallen for you. Still, I can't help myself but call you that…

Perhaps it is because I am resurfacing memories that should have never happened. Because I am digging up old feelings, old recollections, and thus old habits are being brought up as well.

I'll go with that.

Now, enough of this musing and stalling; back to the job at hand. What comes next? After my first attraction, then I…

Oh. Yes.

The library.

* * *

In the castle's library, there are many sorts of texts, all listing the history of Kimlasca of geography, of other trivial things like fonons, how they work, and normal information of Kimlasca. No fiction here; strictly business.

But some of the things we did in there must have been a dream. Something out of a terribly, cheap romance novel. Perhaps it's you, Guy. You always fit that type; the romance hero who would do anything for his 'true love'.

You'd laugh nervously at that, wouldn't you?

Either way, some of the things we did in there either bring a blush to my cheek, or a swell, a soft squeeze of happiness, to this tender heart of mine.

This event, however? It's hard to say, because this was still in our 'Acquaintances or not?' days. We were still uncertain about what we were to each other. Yes, I spoke to you more, reached out to you more after the incident in the rain. What could I have done anyway? I was indebted to you in a way and…fascinated with you.

…More on that subject later.

Either way, we were awkward on the subject, on the thought of it. We weren't sure how to act. Was it okay to ask personal things? To strike up a conversation without Luke as our excuse? Could I proudly call them my 'friend'? We were of different statuses, but no one said that being friends with one of different bearing was a bad thing, right?

We were…somewhat confused. More so when we refused to ask each other about it. We merely went with the motions, talked when it was convenient, yet didn't make a move to reach out any further. We didn't ask permission; we were too worried to.

However that day…I couldn't help myself.

It was a warm afternoon, the window open. The first thing I remember about this day was my blonde hair, tickling my face, dancing with each zephyr that came into the room. I didn't mind, and only pushed the locks behind my ear, only for it to become loose with another baby gust, and for the cycle to begin all over again.

I was too focused on the book in front of me, of brushing up on my poetry. A lady should always cultivate herself, should always have something to talk about with guests. I didn't mind this either. The occasional parties we would hold for new nobles or old friends had become a nice part of my life. I didn't hate it; goodness, no. I favored them. I loved conversing with people, of getting to know one better. Of getting to know the people that lived in this country I so loved and was proud of. And, of course, seeing as my…'mother'…was deceased I had to entertain the guests in place of the Queen. I didn't mind; I found it training for the future, for when I would take the throne with Luke…

…I mean, Asch.

Well, would of.

…Either way, I ramble. My apologies.

I can't correctly remember the author I was reading, or what the poem was about; I think it was about what peace was to a person, but I can't be entirely sure. It didn't matter, seeing as how Guy came into the library with no warning, causing me to jump.

"Guy?" I asked, slightly stunned at the chance appearance. He raised his eyebrows at me.

"Princess Natalia? You're here?"

At the age of fourteen, he was a little shorter than he is now, of course, but still growing up quite well. I looked him over, and frowned.

"Guy, I thought servants weren't allowed in the castle's library. What are you doing in here?" I pressed. He smiled a good-hearted smile. I don't think I've ever seen him give a sarcastic roll of the eyes to anyone. Perhaps a tired sigh, but that was it. He's a gentleman, after all.

"I have permission to borrow some books from here."

"For what, may I ask?"

"Luke."

"…Oh."

That was all that needed to be said. I understood why, and the subject didn't need to be pursued any further. It's not to say I didn't like to talk about Luke's amnesia. It was just a topic that had already been discussed.

"Anyway, I'll be quick, and out of your way, princess. Don't mind me at all." He gave me a curt nod, and went on about his business. I looked at his turned back for awhile, then back to what I was reading. The wind blew through the window once more, and turned the pages for me. I frowned, and turned them back. I heard the birds chirping outside, stopping at few times, another one beginning where the other one ended. I heard a flap of wings and saw one fly by my window. I leaned over, watching it fly away, then swoop down, disappearing behind the roof. I heard the other bird, chirping behind me, having been left alone. I heard the distant response from the other bird; much further away, a quaint small noise.

I felt the wind blow the hair in my face again, and leaned back into my chair, fixing it. It blew harder, once again making me lose my page. I sighed in annoyance.

Then, a quiet chuckle.

I snapped my head back to where the noise was coming from, not sure of the expression I made. Guy was smiling at me, and then soon turned his head away, as soon as I caught him staring. I glared at him, feeling the embarrassment heat my ears. I turned back to my book, wishing to say something to him, but deciding not to. He'd…he'd say something first anyway. Right?

He didn't. It was silent between us. The birds were having a better conversation then us, both chirping at separate, irregular times. There was a rustling of leaves with each gust of wind, and Guy's footsteps could be heard in the large library, stopping at places, a sound of books being taken, or put back. Then he would begin again, looking for different ones for his master, still deciding to not say a word.

I hated it. I hated these sounds.

I had barely gone back to my book, didn't even bother to turn back to my previous page, not even when the wind changed it again for me. I felt the wind warm my face, the sunlight warm my exposed arm, the only thing in the area of the sunlight. I pulled it back, rubbing a hand over it. It felt hot. I pushed aside the urge to sigh in annoyance, and bit my lower lip.

His footsteps got closer and I knew he was nearer to me. Not next to me, but closer then he was before. I heard a shuffling of books, a flipping of pages, then a closing of a book. I heard his clothing shuffle with his movement.

I looked behind myself, to his turned back.

It was like I wasn't there. Did he not wish to talk to me? Did he not notice the awkward air that had settled? I heard the pages of my book shuffle again with the wind's power, but didn't care to notice. I felt my hair invade my face and yet, didn't care to notice anything around me.

The way Guy moved, how his legs would lead him just like that, how his shirt would stretch a bit when he raised his arm, how his neck would bend just like this when he looked down was all that existed then. His body and how it worked, his simple ways and habits were all I wanted to know.

Guy fascinated me.

It was not his handsome looks, nor the kind words he uttered that caught my attention. It was him. As a servant who was more refined, more gentle than other servants. He was different. He stood out. How he acted, who he was, who he could be…all of this caught my attention. I wanted to know him. I wanted to know more about this person.

I craved his presence.

Then, I had enough. This urge to know him was getting to be too much, and…I couldn't handle it.

If he wouldn't come after me, I would go to him.

"G-Guy?"

He turned his head to me, surprise in his eyes, possibly forgetting that I was there. The birds chirped behind me and he spoke.

"Yes, your highness?"

I quickly cursed myself. I hadn't planned ahead, only acted on want. What could I say? What conversation could I strike up with him?

Suddenly, in the middle of my worry, a zephyr attacked me out of nowhere, my book getting a mind of it's own once more, my hair, deciding to take the place of Guy in my field of vision. I yelped in surprise, and quickly brushed it out of my face, embarrassment once more falling on me in an avalanche.

And he was laughing a small, quick laugh. I felt my cheeks heat, and glared at him.

"Wh-What?! What is so funny?!" I snapped, frustrated with the wind, this situation, and my still-whining hunger for him. He grinned.

"Sorry, princess, it's just…your hair…" He chuckled, pointing at the subject of his sentence. I frowned, and reached up, smoothing it down, not knowing how it looked previously. I was sure, with all the wind that I allowed on myself, it had looked quite silly…

"H-How embarrassing…" I muttered. He pursed his lips, the laugh gone from his face.

"Why don't you tie it back?"

"Pardon?"

"I mean, it always gets in your face…It'd be less of a hassle if you just tied it back or something…" He offered, leaning against the bookshelf, moving the books he had collected to his side. I considered it for a while. I had never thought it as a hassle…I had wanted to grow it out, however, to appear more lady-like. As a child, I liked it short; it was easier to take care of, and the maids needn't have to fuss with it endlessly. It was less of a hassle, then.

This just proved my theory of hair being a bother when longer.

I shook my head.

"It's too short." I explained, and pulled it back with my hands, some strands falling around my face, much too short to go with the rest. "See?"

Guy frowned, and brought his thumb to his chin. After a while of being with him, I would notice this was a habit of his whenever he thought about something deeply.

But that was later, and this was then.

"…What about a headband?"

"A headband?"

"Yeah. To hold back some of your hair. Would that work?"

"I had never considered that…"

He shrugged, and turned his back to me once more. I suppose the conversation was over.

But I wanted more. I wanted to know more of him. My hunger was not yet satisfied. Yet, I still didn't know what to talk about. The problem of my hair had been solved, no more elaboration could be done on that. The weather was a fine topic, but was always the last thing to go to; the last resort.

My mind kept reeling until I heard the shuffling of my book once again. I looked to it. It had already turned itself to midway. I began to read it once again, absentmindedly, leaning against my elbow, letting my eyes scan it lazily. The wind calmed down, only softly playing with my hair.

Then, an idea came to me. It was not an idea that suited a princess, or a noble way of living, but I didn't care. This hunger was eating away at me, and I wanted to be fed.

He intrigued me that much.

"Guy?"

"Yes?"

He responded more quickly this time. It made me think that perhaps he too wanted to speak to me, waiting for me to make the first move, contemplating whether he should first instead.

_What a naïve way of thinking,_ I told myself.

"Can I…May I ask for your assistance? You see, I'm having trouble understanding a word here…" I explained in fake shyness. He nodded, oblivious to my acting.

"Alright." He agreed, sauntering toward me, laying the books he had on the table I sat at next to me, not taking the other seat available, only barely leaning over. "Which word is it?"

"This one."

"_Pessimistic_?"

"Yes."

"That means 'To look on the dark side of life'."

"O-Oh, thank you."

"Anytime, your majesty." He gave me a curt nod, and stood up fully. My heart quickened in panic. I called to him.

"W-Wait! Th-There's another one, I'm afraid…"

Lies. I knew what they meant. All of them. I was not foolish; I just wanted an excuse to talk to him. I knew it was un-lady like, and that it went against the rules of etiquette and pride I had for myself, but…I craved it. I craved him. His presence, his intriguing nature…I wanted to get closer to him, wanted to be friends with him. I hated being 'only acquaintances'. I wanted more.

I wanted him, near me.

Besides, it had been proven successful. I…had gotten what I had wished for, a while into our conversation. For example...

"Are you?"

"Excuse me?"

"Are you vain, Guy?"

He looked at me, a mix of confusion and shock. "D-Do I seem like it?" He asked, taken off guard. I smiled behind my book, my eyes glancing to the word in question that had began this conversation, me faking ignorance to the word. It was cute seeing him being not so perfect.

"It's just that you always appear so flawless…Do you spend time on your appearance?" I asked simply, using a proper, lady-like tone. Perhaps if acted politely, the guilt of doing an action against it wouldn't get to me?

"Of course not! I just…Well, not as long as you probably think!"

I fought back the urge to giggle. Cute. So very cute.

"Women focus on those sorts of things anyway."

"I do not."

He smiled at me. Payback, perhaps? "I never said you directly, princess."

"You implied it."

"Then, I'm sorry."

I looked at him from my book, peeking over. He was smiling a lazy smile. I smiled back. And once again, I could feel my heart swell with bliss. It felt…good.

"…I'm considering wearing make-up. When I get older." I piped up, my eyes returning to the pages. I didn't really care to read, I just didn't want to see the look on his face.

"I think you look beautiful just as you are now."

"What of other women who decide to wear make-up?"

"They're all beautiful as the way they are, as well."

"…Are you perhaps a womanizer?"

I looked up to him, with what I was hoping was a sly look. He widened his eyes and shook his head, his face a fine shade of red.

"I-I'm not! I…I just think women are cute is all!" He explained flustered. I shrugged.

"That only suggests you're more of one, Guy."

"D-Don't be so cruel, princess…"

I finally giggled, unable to hold back my love of the moment. I…loved talking to Guy. It felt so…free. Carefree, really. A sort of lazy happiness, making you feel relaxed and warm and good, all at the same time.

The fact that the wind stopped, and that only the sun's soft, warm rays comforted us, helped the fact as well.

The sun, however, also betrayed me.

"Oh!" He exclaimed, looking behind me from the chair he had finally taken. I furrowed my brow in confusion and looked with him. I was surprised to see that it was sunset, the molten sun sinking into the horizon, washing us in an orange light.

Had time really gone by so fast…?

He chuckled a goodhearted chuckle, his hand meeting the back of his head.

"S-Sorry, princess…I didn't mean to hold you up…"

"N-No, Guy, it's fine. I…I enjoyed our little chat."

He dropped his hand and gave me a look I couldn't classify. "Did you really?"

"…Y-Yes."

"…I…I did, too."

I smiled out of instinct, feeling my heart lift. I felt good. Even after we said our goodbyes, and after I told him "We must do this again.", and after he smiled and agreed with that casual smile of his again, I still took a while to realize that…my hunger was fed.

I didn't crave him. No. I cherished him now. I loved talking to him. I didn't regret reaching out to Guy, at all. We were…although unspoken…we were friends.

Friends.

How wonderful.

And even before he left, when I had said "Thank you for your time, Guy." And he responded with "Think nothing of it, Princess Natalia."…

He had been the only thing I could dream about that night.

* * *

Curse this candlelight. It provides near to nothing…who even invented candles, anyhow?

Well, I suppose they needed _something_ back then to help them. Sad that I have to resort to such a thing like this. Curse this candlelight, and my inability to write this when the sun gave me a better light to write by. I suppose it doesn't matter though. What's done is done, and I must pay the price now.

Either way, that was the foundation for everything. Our blooming friendship. I should've been delighted with at least that, but no. I had to take it further. I had been young, and foolish, and…and spoiled. How unwise of me.

No; even those are excuses. I pursued a relationship with him, and I did it knowingly. I was only irrational in the area of caring. If I had even thought about the promise I made with Luke, even just a smidge, maybe I wouldn't be as filled with guilt as I am now…

As I said before, what's done is done. I must pay the price now.

I wonder if I had been more cautious, would we have never had fallen in love? If that's the case then…I'm happy I was irresponsible, even just a little.

After all, what's done is done. I…regret the affair, but not the happiness your love gave.

* * *

That's the end of chapter two! Thank you for reading! x3

Sorry for the story dragging on! I…I'm sorry if it's not that interesting. And sorry if they're OOC! Oog, I need more confidence. Dx

Either way, thank you once again for reading! I promise the plot will speed up as soon as possible! Ciao! :3

-Apple Fairy


	3. Her words: Fallen

Hello and good to see you, reader! Apple Fairy here! .

Well, here's chapter three! Okay! I think the real plot starts here! Um…yah. xD;;

Oh! And some facts you should know about the ToA world to understand the terms in this fic:

**Rem: the name of the sun in Auldrant.**

**Luna: the name of the moon in Auldrant.**

**Sylphday, Lunaday, etc.: The names of the days of the weeks in Auldrant. **

Sorry, I was just trying to make the fic as authentic as possible. xD;;

Answers to reviews!

**TygerChan- **Good to know! I'm very glad you like reading it! :3

Ah, sorry! I just worry so much about it; I really hate mistakes. Fragment sentences I use too much, and I worry if that's a bad thing. Dx

But as long as it entertains you, I'm glad. x3

Kept up the good work, and updated! Enjoy! :3

**Ami-** Ah, it's mine too! It's such a cute pairing that doesn't get enough love…;;

Sorry, I just…don't have a lot of confidence in my writing ability, so yah…Also, I can't tell if Guy's IC or OOC. It's harder to write that guy than you think. D:

Kept writing, and now you can read! x3

**Everyone else's reviews are answered through email! Check your inboxes, kay? ;3**

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Tales of the Abyss.

* * *

_Unspeakable_

_Story by Apple Fairy_

* * *

_I don't regret falling out of love._

_I don't regret using you._

_I don't regret hating him._

_Because, after all the terrible things I did, it all still led me to you._

* * *

I'm surprised with myself. Even though it is…how does my pocket-watch read? Twelve thirty? Ah, and I'm not the least bit sleepy. Perhaps it is the nap I took prior I have to thank? Yes, it's probably that.

My eyes are strained because of the poor lighting, my hand tired from writing so quickly. I yawned, and stretched myself as I still sat in my chair. I got up, and walked to the small window in my cabin. The sea, so deep and blue and big…

Well, it was previously. Now it is only dark and murky and black. Luna was casting a reflection onto the waves, coming out as a bright white in the deep contrasting waters. It made me uneasy to gaze onto it. It reminded me of the Qliphoth. What a dreadful place it had been. There had been times when I had looked over the side of the Tartarus, or out a window on the Albiore and felt a chill race up my back. I had expected for something to come out and grab me, or perhaps I would accidentally stumble in; dying just like that poor child when Akzeriuth fell…

But then, I would look to Tear, and feel quite alright. After all, she had lived in this environment as a child. If she could live with it, then I was certain that I could as well.

…Oh. I'm sorry. I'm…going terribly off topic, aren't I?

I sighed and rubbed my temples. I suppose it was back to work for me then. This…this is my confession and memoir and no one else but I can write this.

Well, he could.

…No.

He can't.

Guy…my love…as much as I will address you in this memoir/confession it does not mean your eyes will ever meet these self-written words. I…would be most ashamed of myself if you did. You would be forced to remember; we would talk about the old days, and most likely try to bring it back. That passion, the love…a human's wants and desires are truly disgusting at times. While we are here now, at the stage of our lives, while tomorrow will remind us bitterly, we can't and _mustn't_ cave in. It would be a shameful act to _him. _And for you…

…well, that goes without speaking.

I won't fall in love with you again, and succumb to the forbidden temptations. I'm wiser now. More mature. You, I trust, are the same. You would not give in to such primitive urges such as 'forbidden resurfaced love'. No, my love…Guy…

You are better than that. Much more responsible.

And I respect you for that.

Even if you are to never read my pleas, I still trust you know them anyhow. You are probably thinking the same thing, right?

Only tomorrow can say.

Either way, enough of my trust in you, and my trust in myself. Nothing will happen.

But I shall continue to write what has already occurred.

* * *

You were nineteen, if I recall correctly. I, the not-so-long-ago age of sixteen. Our friendship was a pleasant one. A normal, alright one a man and woman share when a chance is there. Not in love. Only friends.

Thank goodness.

Either way, we were close, but not very close. For instance, he was not the type of friend I could be able to admit all my troubles too, that I would go and cry to in the middle of the night if my life had gone horrible enough. No, he was someone I would spend time with when it was convenient, when I would have more time on my hands then I needed. Someone to have a casual conversation with, or a deep one if the words turned us down that route. But other than those rare, and few discussions, it was a mostly average friendship. Yes, we were of different statuses, but it was not unheard of for a master being friends with their servant. Only those who have been in the profession for a long time frowned upon it.

Yes, I was not Guy's master, but I found myself to be as soon as I married Luke.

Luke.

Ah, yes, back then, he was what caused us to get closer. Luke is a very different person now, and I respect him for it, most indefinitely.

But back then? He was…difficult to deal with. He was spoiled and pampered and rude and…my childhood friend. Which was why I never hated him, why, even if I complained to him, still tried to make it work. I was in love, not with him, but the promise, himself before he 'lost his memories'.

I was in love with Asch, before he left us.

…Sorry. As I was saying.

Either way, because I was so in love with that, and because I thought that it was possible for this Luke to become that 'Luke' again, I tried my best with him. He frustrated me, and insulted me, but I still tried to love him. I tried to get him to remember our promise, who he used to be. I tried to get 'Luke' back.

But all I received at the end was Luke. Only Luke.

But because of that negligence, and after I was just sick and tired of dealing with him…

…There was Guy. Smiling, and offering comfort, and being a much better companion, a much easier person to deal with than Luke.

I think because he was such a comfort was why I partially fell in love with him. Because he was so gentle, a better comfort in my love life.

…More on that later.

However, this memory was before any of that. Before I had reached my breaking point with Luke, before I had began to find Guy as a possible interest, romantically.

This was when I had still tried, in vain, to come to love Luke.

Guy had become a sort of messenger for us, by the time of this memory. He relayed messages we sent to the other. It had first become like that because it was convenient, but then it slowly grew into a routine, a usual job.

It still resulted in disappointment, however. Not even Guy's kind apologies could cheer up not only my 'losing faith' mood, but also my growing impatience with the red-haired noble.

"So to cut it short, your highness, he's really sorry he wasn't able to see you today, and promises that the next time he's free, he will definitely look forward to a visit from you."

I frowned at the gaillardias in front of me, as if they the thing responsible for my fiancé's irresponsible behavior. I knew it was a lie. I knew how Luke worked. He was a child, afraid of responsibility, too selfish to care for others, too immature to care for a commitment with his fiancé. It irritated me, and his behavior, and more so how I could do nothing about it.

"Do not lie to me."

I broke one of the flowers off it's stem at the base, bringing the blossom closer to my face. I think he had jumped a bit at my action, from what I could tell from the corner of my eye, but it could have been a trick of the mind, for all I know.

A few moments settled between us, an awkward silence. I felt my anger boil beneath the surface. I couldn't stand it anymore, this hopelessness, this need to have 'Luke' come back. I was frustrated with my un-willing fiancé, with how Guy lied for him willingly (or maybe unwillingly, for all I honestly knew), and how it was all terribly pointless and just plain ridiculous.

I glanced to Guy, the (un)willing messenger, my mood as foul as ever. He looked a bit uncomfortable, as if he wished to be anyplace but here, but then smiled that good-natured smile, trying to be mature about the situation.

"Now, princess Natalia…"

I closed my eyes and sighed, turning back to the orange-yellow flowers. He was treating me as he would a temper-prone child. How rude.

"He never said any of that, did he, Guy?"

Silence. I glanced over to Guy. He kept that smile for awhile, then frowned, his shoulders falling with the corners of his mouth. He couldn't trick me with that handsome face; it would not ease my mind. He sighed a heavy sigh, then crossed his arms, and looked to the side, his demeanor showing pity and uncomfortable unrest at the same time. Funny how a few changes in a pose can display an entirely different representation.

However, I didn't like it, personally. I didn't like any of this at all, really.

"…You got me. He…he lied. He's not really all _that _busy."

I glared in front of me again and snapped another gaillardia away from it's stem, it's home. I had dropped the other one previously by my side, in an absent-minded manner. From the corner of my eye I could see he had flinched once more. I shrugged this off, and thought nothing of it, but as a mere bodily reaction.

"Typical."

Was that my voice? I was surprised to find it full of…spite. Full of venom. I suppose I really was at the end of my rope,

I ignored this and began pulling off the petals off the innocent flower in a 'He-loves-me-He-loves-me-not' manner. However, not as optimistic as others would go about doing it.

"…You know, princess, the gardener would be sad if he saw you destroying the flowers he took so long to grow for you."

I turned and glared at him, his carefree face, turning back to silent concern. He was trying to change the subject. Trying to cheer me up in his own way again.

It wasn't working this time.

When he saw his tactic wasn't working, and when he finally averted his eyes from mine, and when I saw the common sympathy fall in his eyes like a shooting star, I braced myself for those three words, those five syllables, and the generic feelings that came with them for free.

"I'm sorry, princess."

My heart shuddered in pain, but it had then had quickly subsided. I was used to his pity, to his fake love. That's what I saw pity as. Fake love. A human instinct to care for one in pain, even though, truly, you didn't really care _that_ much for the person. I might be sounding like a pessimist, but I was always subjected to pity. When people spoke of the Queen, when Luke had disappeared, when Luke had come back, and now…

It frustrated me. Especially when it came from the last person I wished to hear it from.

I stopped picking off the petals, and stared at one, inattentively. I sighed once more; we were both tired, it seemed.

"…Are you feeling okay?"

I glanced to Guy once more, letting the petal float out of my hand, to join it's other companions fallen on the ground. I realized then it must have been hard for Guy. To have to cater to Luke's every need, to lie in his place because he was much too irresponsible to do it himself, the guilt in doing so against his own will, I had to guess. Then there was the matter of his phobia and popularity, which was an entirely different story all together.

I suppose I was guilty for pitying him as well.

"…Just a bit annoyed is all." I answered him. "If I may ask, what is Luke doing now at the moment?" I asked, before he could ask out of pity once more, and so we could change the subject, the current one just being a persistent thorn in my side.

"Studying, your majesty."

"So he is indeed busy?" I was caught off guard. So Luke was telling the truth? Guy laughed, also catching me off guard.

"No," he said, "he's probably slacking as usual."

Then, after pitying him, I was puzzled by him. How could he manage to put things in such a bright light, when it was obviously an unpromising case? How could he manage to be an optimist, when he was leading such a stressful life?

As always, he caught my attention. He was, as always, fascinating.

"How do you do it?"

"Excuse me?"

Then before I knew it, I was asking him. I was close to him now, we were friends, and there was nothing wrong with it. I didn't think I needed permission, because it wasn't required between companions. It was okay. I found nothing rude with my curiosity.

"How do you manage to be so positive? I mean, truthfully, Guy, your life is so very…how to say, hectic. I don't mean to be rude, but it's confusing, really. How do you do it, Guy?"

I turned to him, dropping the half-naked gaillardia to my feet, my hands merely dangling at my side now, the anger gone, and the threat to the gaillardias gone as well. We stared at each other for awhile, his face turning from pity, then to consideration. He brought his thumb to his chin, and looked to the side, his lips pursed, his eyes concentrated.

I waited for my answer for a while, then "My life is…hectic?"

I was taken back a bit at his response, not expecting to be answered by a question. I shrugged it off, however. "Yes, I mean…it comes off as that, don't you agree?"

"Not really."

I was bewildered, and frowned in confusion. How could he not…see it? It was obvious, was it not? Anybody else would agree, but the one who was subjected to the problem…wasn't?

His blue eyes returned to me, and then I realized he was waiting for me to elaborate. To help him see why I thought so and why it was as I put it. I coughed, and bit my lower lip, trying to choose my words carefully.

"Consider it for a moment, Guy. You must adhere to Luke's every need and want as his personal servant. Now as his fiancé, I must say, truthfully he can be quite a handful. But to add to it, he sends you to relay lies to me when he finds it too troublesome to tell the truth, or too bothersome to simply agree to see me. With that, you must feel at least _some_ shame to do this by yourself, and to have to serve such a…juvenile person. Not to mention, there is also the matter of your gynophobia, and how unfortunately well-liked you are…Are you honestly not bothered by any of this?"

I waited for him to realize; for his mind to soak it all in then, CLICK! Realize.

But as I examined his face, the sun's light making it clear and easy to read, none of these revelations came. He did not change his expression, did not raise his eyebrows in surprise, and did not have his mouth form the words of "Oh! You're right!" All it did was stay in it's present state: a confused, yet thoughtful appearance.

Then I felt my ears redden for I realized he was staring at _me. _He was examining my face, judging me, or taking me in, taking in the curve of my cheeks, the pointed lashes framing my eyes, or whatever else he was examining, I wasn't all that sure.

It was embarrassing to have a person as handsome as Guy gazing at you like that.

Then, I witnessed his clear, blue eyes slightly drop, as they moved in to take in my body. A blush enflamed my face, and I had quite enough, as I uttered an annoyed cough. It seemed to catch his attention, his eyes rushing back up to meet mine, in a failed attempt to appear that they had been there the whole time. I was offended at the behavior, a bit confused by it as well, but shrugged it off.

"Well?" I urged him on, tired of waiting, of being embarrassed, and dealing with his ignorance.

Today was not a good day for me at all.

"…Is it really that bad?"

Once again, I was caught off guard, it hitting me at my blind spot. I trudged on.

"You don't think of it akin to that?"

"Not at all."

"Why is that?"

"Well…you see, how I figure it is that…I can't really complain about anything. I mean, I'm pretty sure there are people out there who have gone through so much worse….So, the bottom line is, I can't be sad, or angry, or anything like that…Because I'm actually really blessed, if you think about it."

His optimism was astounding sometimes.

I'm still not certain as to why I wanted Guy to see the way I saw it. Perhaps I'm stubborn. Perhaps I hate to hear that I'm wrong. I might never know.

"How do you do it? Stay so…positive?"

He laughed, and rubbed the back of his head, a bashful look on his face. "Am I really that optimistic?"

I pulled off another gaillardia, plucking the petals one by one, once more. He didn't jump this time. It was most likely because of the tense and awkward air before.

I sighed heavily. It was a useless pursuit; He would never see it as I did.

"Are you alright?"

I turned my head to him, the flower in my hand, not even close to looking bare. His face was suddenly worried, or serious, or perhaps even a combination of the two. I was never that good at reading a person's expression anyway; only their moods.

"What's this all of a sudden, Guy?" I asked nonchalantly, honestly perplexed by his sudden change in disposition.

"I…I don't know. You just seem…tired, is all."

"Stressed, mostly."

"Why?"

"It matters not."

"No," he protested, "it does. C'mon, princess, tell me what's wrong."

I turned away from him, from his serious and worried face. I battled with myself. It didn't matter that much did it? It's not as if he cared that much. Guy gave me pity, empathy if it was truly crucial. However, it was pity, mostly. I would like to avoid his 'I'm sorry, princess' if I could more than what was necessary.

Besides, it was not as if I could. I was a princess, and I had to be strong.

If I was confronted with stress, with problems, I forced myself to bottle it all up, and smile my proper smile. I represented my country, the country I loved. I set an example for the people I led, the people I was so proud of. A princess should not falter, should not become a disgrace to herself. I would not allow myself to fume at all. Besides, there was also no one to complain to.

If I were to complain to my father, I would just be another problem he would have to deal with. Father had enough to worry about, being King, and I would not allow myself to become an unnecessary thorn in his side.

Also, I would never complain to my servants. They would lose respect for me. How could they follow a princess who whined about the smallest things?

While it looked glamorous, there was a difficult side to being a princess. You had to always be the picture of perfection, had to be the epitome of elegance. You had to be strong, for not yourself, but the country you represented. The country you were responsible for. The country I loved.

It took a lot of self-esteem to be a monarch.

Don't misinterpret me, however. I love this country, and I love being who I am. It was just…very lonely at the top. The peak of the mountain was cold, and all I wanted was someone to hold and listen to me.

And there he stood, a worried look on his face, his clear, blue eyes searching my own. Patient, and waiting for the permission to embrace me, and protect me from the harsh, howling wind.

"…Guy, can you do a favor for me?"

Yet, as always, I turned my back to him, refusing his help. He was only a servant, a servant who fascinated me, who I was drawn to. He was only Guy, and Guy only gave pity. Sometimes empathy, but mostly pity.

I wouldn't allow myself to fume. I was a princess, and princesses bottled it up, and smiled their pretty, little smiles.

He frowned, the look in his clear, blue eyes that of disappointment, or a reflection of a broken heart, it was most likely both. I looked back to the gaillardias, their petals a bright orange, a subtle yellow. I didn't care to look at them, as much as I wanted to avoid Guy's gaze.

"…Of course, your majesty. What is it?"

My heart breathed a sigh of relief. He didn't pursue the subject. Lovely.

"Send another message to Luke for me. Tell him I wish for him to see me more often. Tell him…I miss him. Also, while you're at it, ask him if he remembers our promise yet…" I ordered him, half forgetfully, somewhat distracted by the flora, trying to focus more on them, then the sadness for rejecting Guy, my only prospect of a listener. I kept examining the petals on them, counting them one by one, not wanting to pay attention to the whispers of disappointment I could hear from myself. _I couldn't,_ I told myself, _I can't falter._

"Alright. Is that all, princess?"

"Yes, it is."

"If you'll excuse me then."

I heard his footsteps leaving my side, his leaving of me. I should've left it at that. I would not cave-in, not for him or myself. I would not take this any further, not become more than 'casual friends' with him. I would keep it all bottled up, all the anger and stress inside myself.

"G-Guy, wait!"

But before I knew it, the bottle had fallen over and spilled without my consent.

"Yes?"

I didn't turn to him, still keeping my eyes on the gaillardias. I could feel my legs grow weak, a sudden lurch in my stomach when he called back to me. It was a sudden reaction from him once again, and it made me think perhaps he wanted me to continue on, wanted to stay there with me, us both surrounded by the smells and colors of selected nature, just for the royal bloodline.

I gulped, and clutched the flower nervously, quite certain I was crushing it mercilessly and unknowingly.

"I…Well…"

"What is it?"

I looked to the side, away from him. I wasn't sure why I was acting so shy, so uneasy, but I was and I didn't like any bit of it.

"…Thank you for your time."

A few seconds that felt like forever past by, my head reeling with worry. I wanted to know what sort of expression he was making, what sort of mood he was in, how he was thinking of me.

"Anytime, princess."

Then, I heard his footsteps leaving me once more, and I finally looked to him, seeing his retreating figure. I took in the look of his hair shining bright in the sun's rays, the shadows slant on his figure, the simple action of his walk, one foot in front, one in back carrying his body in a clear-cut way, his back straight and well postured.

How was it that he made me worry so much? How was it that he caught my eye so easily? Most likely, without trying? Did he know he fascinated me, that I was so captivated him?

Most likely not.

Then, he turned, and he was gone. I looked down, finally dropping the poor, disheveled flower to it's partners and their petals. I had made myself a little carpet of orange and yellow, of small beauty, discarded and broken surrounding my feet. I sighed to myself, and kneeled down to them, picking one up pensively.

"You amaze me, Guy Cecil." I whispered to him, myself, and the petals. I ignored the sudden shame I felt hit my chest.

Another contribution to my downfall.

* * *

"The weather is fine today, isn't it, Luke?"

"I guess so."

"The Score said it would be a lovely day tomorrow as well."

"You don't say."

Boredom. He was bored of me. I needed something more interesting.

"So, how has your sword training been? Vigorous, I assume?"

"I got to spar with Master Van yesterday. He's…really strong."

"Is that so?"

"Yeah…"

Then, silence. Perhaps I should've picked a topic that I knew well. Let's try that.

"You know, father is having quite the trouble these days."

"Yeah?"

"Yes, he's quite worried about the matter of Akzeriuth. You see, Malkuth and Kimlasca are still having trouble with the matter of who manages it."

"Mmhm?"

"It's quite stressful. I've also been wondering what I could do next with my position. You see, I've noticed that as industrial as Baticul is, we don't seem to have a lot of foliage to make the city more attractive. I was thinking, perhaps I could order some trees to be planted around the main square, or something of that sort…What do you think of that, Luke? Doesn't that sound wonderful?"

"What would I care? I can't even leave this place."

"Oh, right, I'm sorry. I forgot you were confided here…"

I heard footsteps approach us on his patio, the table in front of his room we sat at. I saw Guy place our drinks down; an iced tea for myself, and a lemonade for Luke, if I remember correctly. It was a particularly warm day, bordering on hot. The call for cool drinks was more obvious then the traditional tea I would have when I would visit with a person. I examined Guy's form as he did as he had fulfilled the order he had been given, my eyes traveling the lines of his figure; the crease in his sleeves, the half-closed eyes as he leaned down slightly. He was as handsome as ever in my eyes…

"Luke."

"Yeah, Guy?"

I was caught off guard by Guy's sudden voice, his sudden contribution to the conversation. I quickly remembered that Guy and Luke were closer than most master and servants, and that this sort of thing wasn't abnormal in their eyes. I was so used to servants keeping their place around me, only talking to me when I began the conversation first.

"Did you tell Princess Natalia about the city Pere told you about? You know, the one with the waterfalls and all…?"

"Oh, yeah! It was really cool! You see, I was asking Pere about the outside world, and he told me about this city that's on water! -Or was it covered in water?- Well, whatever, it was still really cool. And when I get out of this manor, I'm making sure I'm going there as soon as possible!"

"A city covered in water?"

"More like waterfalls, your highness."

"Oh! I know what you're talking about, Luke!"

"Really?"

"Yes, that is Grand Chokmah; Malkuth's capital, if I recall correctly. I've actually been there before."

"Have you?! What's it like, huh?"

"Well, if I remember correctly…"

And we were off. The ice had been broken, and the awkward air flew off to some other couple struggling. I smiled when he talked. When you could look past him being completely disrespectful of the rules of etiquette, you would notice he was very much like a child. Bored of things that failed to catch his attention, angry when you refused to entertain him, yet awestruck with things that fascinated him, and giddy with thoughts that caught his attention. It was a sort of boyish cuteness that I loved to see when he was excited over such petty things as visiting another city. It reminded me of younger days, of days when he was eager to become king, to lead Kimlasca properly with me. Together, we had promised, together we would lead the country we so loved.

And he was in there, and I loved him, and I would learn to love this Luke, too.

I glanced to Guy, who only stood there, acting as a good servant, and keeping his place. I mouthed a 'thank you' to him. He smiled, and then a curt nod.

Always like this. Trying my best to stay to Luke, my childhood friend who I would find out wasn't really. Sometimes I would find ways to stay close to him, both of us finding a middle ground. He refused to make a move out of disinterest, and I tried to make it work, to fall for him. Yet, while staying close to Luke, while staying by his side, I never noticed this one small thing that grew slowly. Like a snowball running down a hill.

While staying close to Luke, I was still being pulled toward Guy. Slowly. Ever slowly, but surely, until I had failed to notice that I had left Luke's side. That I had left him and those feelings, somewhere in the dark, all in favor of those clear, blue eyes.

* * *

"You're amazing."

"Am I now? To know that a person like you thinks so, it must be true."

"Sarcasm?"

"Take it as you will."

I smiled over to him, over the rim of my teacup, and took a sip. I placed it down, the cup, with a clink, and looked to him once more. The tea needed more honey, but it was fine. All was fine, and there was nothing that could ruin today.

"But in all seriousness, Guy," I began, "What you did back there really helped tremendously."

"It was nothing."

"Nonsense! I…I feel a lot more closer to Luke now, because of it. I…really am grateful."

And I was. And I felt closer. Nothing could go wrong.

With this small acceptance, with this small occurrence, this small happiness, was enough to put me right on Cloud Nine. It proved there was some small hope, a chance. It showed me he could remember, and if not, I could come to love him. I could change him a bit, and be quite content with the matter of 'us'.

"Do you really?"

I looked up to him, adding the aforementioned honey to my tea. His expression was hard to explain. It was serious, but…something else. Like lost, or sad. I'm not quite sure to this day, but what my guess to this day is…heartbreak.

Yet, back then I didn't know, and merely went on my merry way.

"Yes."

Then, he smiled, a sad smile, but I had perceived it wrong. I thought he was happy for me. To this day, I see, because he told me.

…More on that later. Much later.

"Then I'm happy for you."

A comfortable silence fell over us, as he took a sip of his tea, and I decided to gaze out the windows. I had invited Guy to tea, as thanks for sending the message. I didn't usually do this for servants, but…Guy was a friend. He was special. Precious to me.

The day was once again sunny, the city easily visible from the window's view. I felt admiration swell in my heart, as I gazed at all the buildings, the structures. The beautiful and powerful land of Kimlasca; only a bit of it's glory present here in Baticul.

I turned my attention back to Guy, and found him staring at me. It was gone as soon as I saw it, but I'm sure there had been a sort of look of adoration to his face.

"So?" I asked, "Did he say anything about me when I had left? I know very well that he confides to you easily, Guy. You're the one who would most likely hear about things, so…"

He looked to the side, and sat back, his thumb meeting his chin again. I wondered if he was trying to remember, or perhaps trying to determine what I could know, and what I couldn't.

"Well…he said he wouldn't mind seeing you again."

"Did he truly?!"

He smiled and shrugged. "Would I lie to you, your highness?"

I smiled and felt my heart lift, and my blood warm with delight. If Luke had been the one to admit this, I surely would've begun crying tears of happiness. I was just that overjoyed. We had a chance. He was letting me have a chance. Nothing could ruin this. Nothing.

"Oh my…I'm sorry." I apologized, fanning myself, a blush having come to face, "It's just…" I trailed off, not sure how to really describe it.

"Such a relief?" He offered. I giggled and nodded.

"Yes; a relief, I suppose."

"I'm happy for you, Princess Natalia. Really."

"Thank you, Guy. It's good to know."

I looked to my teacup once more, absent-mindedly stirring the dark liquid, the spoon clinking as it hit the delicate porcelain. I put it down, and drank the tea once more. Still needed more honey.

"Was that all he said?"

"Excuse me?"

"Was that all he said, Guy? Nothing else?"

He turned his gaze back to me, and left it there momentarily. Then, away from me, to the side, his head staying as is, his eyes refusing to meet mine.

"Well…" He trailed off. I furrowed my eyes in confusion.

"What is it? There was?"

"…Yes, but…but I think it's better that you don't know."

I felt my mind, my logical side tell me it was most likely something horrid. Something rude or uncaring. That it was probably something that would shoot down my dreams, bring down my hope, and show me that it was foolish to even consider the idea of him remembering, or us being together peacefully.

Yet, my hopeful, naïve side was too loud, blocking out the other's oppositions. 'He's accepting me now!' It seemed to yell. 'He wants to see me again! What could possible go wrong? What could bring down this near perfect mood? Nothing! It's probably nothing! Luke would never say anything too rude, anyway!'

What a truly foolish heart I had. It was lifting in happiness, my mood the best it had been in weeks. What could go wrong? What could possible ruin any of this?

Everything. Nothing is sacred. Nothing.

"Nonsense! Please do tell me. I assure you, it will not spoil my mood. Go on. Tell me."

"Are you sure, your majesty? I mean, I don't want to do anything that will hurt you…"

"Guy, that's ludicrous. Just tell me; it will be fine."

A look of guilt passed through his eyes, gone as soon as I saw it. This left me more suspicious, more of a feeling that something awful was going to leave those lips; that face with his uncertain eyes.

"He…said he wishes you would stop bothering him about his memories; he…said it annoys him and that…you're way too obsessed with it."

And a heart fell. My Cloud Nine disappeared, forcing me to fall and fall into the depths of misery. I could feel my heart breaking, my mood souring, and my shoulders slump. The logical side of me repeated 'I told you so's, and my naïve side remained quiet; ashamed of itself.

_I mean, honestly, what could I really expect with Luke?_ I asked myself in bitter humor. I looked down, and fiddled with my hands. I felt bad for having walked into that, and worse for having someone see me in this sort of state.

Guy.

"O-Oh…I see…" I managed to mutter, the shame smothering me. I didn't like him seeing me like this; it made me feel small and weak and…exposed. Like a small child you had no choice but to lie to, to make them feel better. I dared a look to him, his face that of sadness for me…of pity. I could already see the words forming on his mouth, the ones he repeated all the time: 'I'm sorry, Princess.'

I wanted to stop being so pathetic, I wanted to stop being so hopeful, I wanted to stop being so weak, and dear God, I wanted Guy to stop looking at me like I was just a small, little, unfortunate thing. Anything else didn't matter as long as he would just stop saying those damned words.

I found those words irritating by now. I know he meant well, but it was a wrong sort of well. It was like he was mocking me, instead. Like, repeating these words were a constant reminder of how fragile and pathetic I was. Like he was insulting me at my worse.

Guy didn't care; no, he just went with his instincts.

Then, I realized, it wasn't Guy who needed pity.

It was me.

That hurt. It really did.

He looked away from me, his clear, blue eyes full of guilt. Then, he began.

"I'm sorry, Prin-"

"Stop. Just stop it, Guy."

I wouldn't let him say those words, that insult. I wouldn't let him make me hear that tone full of pity. I wanted to drive that pity, those words away from me. I wanted him to swear to never say them again. I wanted him to lock them up and throw away the key.

Yet, even if he would get rid of those words that look on his face hurt just as much. He looked back to me with hurt, with sadness, with worry. His eyes portrayed concern, his mouth a frown.

_Don't look at me like that_, I wanted to say. _It hurts. Stop pitying me. Pity is fake love, broken care. It doesn't help at all; it only salts the wound._

What I wanted from Guy was genuine love, genuine concern. None of this fake love, but actual feelings.

_Don't act out of instinct; act out of love, Guy. Please. At least for me. Just this once. _I pleaded with him wordlessly.

Yet, I kept all these words to myself. Am I a coward? Too shy? It's hard to say, even now.

"I'm sure he'll come around, princess." Guy spoke up, perhaps trying to move away the awkward air. "He just needs to grow up, is all. Don't…don't lose hope. He tends to say rude stuff like this anyway…it's just his nature. He'll grow out of it."

His words of encouragement, although an improvement from the pity, still didn't help my mood. I sighed, and looked down to my tea, inattentively. I decided to not respond to him; what was there to say, anyhow?

I'm sure he was taking a long time to respond because he was choosing his words carefully. It was good he was honestly trying now, instead of using generic words of 'sorry', yet it still failed to better my mood.

Then, he began.

"Smile for me, please? A beautiful girl like you shouldn't look so sad."

"E-Excuse me?!"

Then, heat. A feeling of lifting in my chest. How red was my face, anyway? It felt so hot…why had my heart soared? Beautiful? Me? To someone as handsome as Guy?

The thoughts of Luke's harsh words were pushed to the side, my mind all focused on Guy and his casual compliment. He had truly succeeded in a truly careless way.

He smiled; probably mistaking my mortified mood with a simple change in attitude.

"Something wrong?" He asked with a carefree tone. I was much too embarrassed, much too surprised to dignify his question with an obvious answer. All I had managed was a stuttered question.

"B-Beautiful?" I asked meekly. The word sounded strange and foreign on my tongue, all of a sudden. I would have never imagined it would be used to refer to me…Never in my wildest dreams. Yes, I had been called 'noble', and 'inspiring', but never…never 'beautiful'.

"Of course." He shrugged. His naïve mood to a woman's mood is astounding sometimes. Still is to this day.

"You…You honestly consider…_me_ beautiful?"

"Is there a problem with that?"

It took me a while to realize he had, in all honesty, said that. It was…hard to believe.

"Well of course there is, Guy! To…to compliment me in such a nonchalant way…it's…" I trailed off, looking away from him, feeling my blush reach to my neck. How embarrassing! A…A princess should not become so flustered! Especially at the expense of a servant!

…Was what I should have said to myself. Yet, I was still so focused on Guy's words, and his feelings for me, I never said them to myself. Well…his feelings were probably friendship. Right?

Hopefully.

"Why is it so bad?" He asked, once again in that casual tone.

"Well, it's embarrassing to have someone as handsome as you flirt with me!" I blurted out.

Then, it was his turn to blush. I quickly cursed myself, angry that I wasn't able to catch the words before they had left my mouth. He wasn't supposed to know that! He was never supposed to hear that!

"Princess, I never meant to _flirt_ with you! I…Did it sound like that? I'm really sorry! Um…I'm really sorry if I said anything to…to make you feel uncomfortable or anything…"

His words were quick, his eyes looking to his tea for help, the air awkward. Bad. I had turned the situation from bad to worse. Much worse.

_I have to fix this! Now!_ I urged myself.

I coughed, then "I-I apologize, Guy. I did not mean to use such a…vocabulary. I was flustered at your compliment, and lost my composure for a few moments. Please, think nothing of what I said. I apologize, also, if I had made you feel uneasy at all." I admitted in my best courteous tone, picking up my teacup, and taking a sip afterwards. Still needed more honey.

I hadn't seen Guy's expression after my formal sorry, yet his response was all I had needed.

"You think I'm handsome?"

It was a wrong choice of words.

I quickly swallowed my tea, choking on it, and then coughed as it went down rough. After my small fit was over, I looked up to Guy, embarrassed by his question and my reaction. His face was serious, no blushes or stutters there. It had me recall that Guy was three years older than me; more mature and experienced.

"W-Well…" I began, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear unknowingly. "…Well, yes. Yes, I do."

A small quick, admittance. No implications, no theories to be made. Just a statement. It wouldn't go too far, wouldn't hint anything, right? Was it a rude thing to say, though? Or perhaps was it too -God forbid- forward?

He smiled, calming my fears. "I'm flattered."

_Good for you, _I thought, _I'm flustered._

"You think _I'm _beautiful?"

I'm not too sure why I asked. It just came out, and this time, I didn't regret it. I wanted to know. I wanted to hear it from him. I looked down to the table's surface. His hand was resting there, close enough to hold. Would he mind if I grabbed it, my finger's curling into his palm? Was his skin soft? No, he likes to work with his hands. They're probably calloused. But were they warm? I wanted to know this, too.

I caught myself thinking these thoughts. Shame should've run down my spin, yet…it didn't. Only hunger in my heart.

"Very beautiful." He had whispered with that deep, yet soft voice of his. This didn't help my forbidden thoughts. I felt my face heat, my heart beat madly.

"Really…?" I asked with a stifled voice. What in the world was wrong with me? Why was I acting so flustered, so weak, so vulnerable? This wasn't me. Not around Guy; not around anyone, really. This wasn't me, this wasn't how I acted, this wasn't how anyone should act.

"Really." He whispered once more, my legs going weak. I wanted him to whisper those charming words into my ear, so quietly so that only I could hear him. I wanted him to call me beautiful, and lovely, and whatever else he could come up with. I wanted him to cup his hand onto my cheek, and gaze into my eyes, smiling that smile I so loved.

Dangerous. He was much too dangerous.

Finally, I caught myself, these thoughts, not allowing them to grow. The shame smothered me, the hate for myself weighing me down. I looked away from Guy, from these feelings, these disgraceful feelings. I awoke from these daydreams, and let reality slap me awake. I looked down to my tea, my reflection a bare shimmer.

"Guy, can you send Luke another message for me?"

_That's right. You're a princess, and he's a servant. Occurrences like that never happen. He serves your fiancé. The one you are learning to love. Not Guy. Guy is a servant. He will one day serve you. When you are married. You're betrothed to another. You're engaged. Guy is not the one you love. He is a friend. He's a servant. Princesses order servants. Stay on task. _I lectured myself, reminding myself, keeping these hazardous thoughts away, locked away like Guy's foolish pity.

"…Of course, your highness."

He sounded a bit disappointed; a touch of sadness was in his tone. I didn't care to think about this, didn't care to consider his feelings. All he was was a servant, and all I managed to be was a princess.

_That's right. He was only a servant visiting. A friend, visiting. He's also a servant who can be given an order. A servant who shall also be your's when you marry your fiancé. He can be your servant, and a friend, but goodness **no **he can **not** be **that**._

I breathed in deeply and looked to the side, to compose myself. I refused to look at him, to worry about him. He was only a servant.

"Tell him I wish to see him on Sylphday, seeing as I have nothing planned that day. Also, tell him I will no longer ask him about the promise if he so wishes. Also…tell him I miss him." I ordered with an elegant tone, no shows of forbidden emotions allowed. I took a sip of my tea. It still needed honey _and_ it had gotten cold.

"Alright. Anything else?"

I finally looked up to him, refusing to look into those clear, blue eyes. _Yes, _I told him wordlessly, _stop being so charming._

"No, nothing really. You are dismissed." I waved him away, and took the last sip of my too bitter and too cold tea.

"…Goodbye, princess Natalia."

After a while, after I refused to say a farewell back, he left, his body passing by me. I finally put the teacup down, and glanced to his retreating figure. When the door closed with a soft thud, I finally looked down to my empty teacup.

Guy needed to be less captivating.

* * *

That night, I dreamt of him, a most dangerous dream. No, it was not a nightmare; however, a part of me would wish for one instead of what I received.

It had started like most dreams tend to. A place your mind chose, perhaps you were put in a situation you didn't understand, or you began a story that would end when you woke.

My story took place in a flower field, Guy standing in it, his back turned to me. I called to him, and he turned to look at me. He smiled that smile I so loved, his hand stretching out to me.

"Natalia." He said. If I had been awake I would've most likely scolded him for failing to address me as 'princess' as most servants were required to.

Yet, this was a dream, and in dreams, anything goes.

I proceeded to run to him, my hand reaching for the one he offered. My hand grabbed his, then he jerked it back, and laughed. Then, he ran. I felt my heart yell at me. No! I had to go after him! I loved him!

So, it became a chase. My heart urged me on, my feelings driving me. Yet he was too fast, and I was much too slow. I was losing him! No! I couldn't!

I yelled for him to slow down, for him to wait for me. He only kept going and going, as if he hadn't even heard me. Was I really yelling? Could I even speak? Where was I, who was I?

None of this mattered. All that I was focused on was catching him, was letting myself be with him. All I wanted was him, and everything else was gone.

Then, somewhere in my chase, care had left me. It must've flown off me, dancing somewhere in the wind behind me, like a scarf. And all I did was run away from it, closer to him, away from responsibility.

I tackled him, and we tumbled for awhile, the petals flying in our wake. We stopped, myself on top of him, our hair wild, our breathing ragged.

And then, he pulled me to him, and kissed me.

In dreams, you can't feel anything. Yes, you can feel emotions, but nothing physical. I couldn't feel his lips on my own, but the emotional touch it gave? _Wonderful. _So much happiness rushed through me, and…and _nothing _could've compared to it.

Then, he parted, and smiled at me. He shook his head. "It's forbidden."

The truth cut through me, but I pushed the pain to the side. I loved him. I didn't care. Care was somewhere far away from us, lying on the ground; forgotten.

"I love you." I said quietly, those words as old as time. He smirked.

"You can't."

"I want you."

"You shouldn't."

His harsh words, his rejection hurt. He wasn't supposed to say the truth. Reality wasn't allowed here. Not here, with my body over his, with his face so close to mine. Not here, where care was gone, where all there was was my feelings. This small freedom, this guiltless place was sacred. Nothing was allowed to ruin it.

How foolish of me. Not even in dreams did I have something sacred to me. Nothing pure, and untainted.

I saw tears fall from my eyes, and onto the grass. He pulled me down for another kiss, soon parting. He smiled that smile I so loved.

"You can't have me."

Then, I awoke to Rem shining upon me.

I held myself for awhile, my sheets scattered. I realized then.

I was in love with Guy Cecil, and it was the most awful thing that could've ever happened.

* * *

When Guy came with the answer from Luke, I refused to see him. I told the servant to send him off, to tell him that I was much too busy for him at the moment.

Which hadn't been a complete lie.

A new fleet of soldiers had been sent off to fight in the war with Malkuth, our men fighting for their country. It hurt me to see them off, to see them off to whatever fate the Score had told for them. I was worried for them, praying for them, for my country and it's people. I wanted to consult the Score to see how it would go, but Father had said not to worry. He knew what he was doing, and he knew what would happen.

Yet, I wished I could do more. There had to be something, anything, I could do. What good was the title of princess when all I could do was sit around and pray?

It was what I thought about lately. Raise funds? No; Goldberg was taking care of that, raising the taxes and whatnot. Help train the troops? No, General Cecille told me she was handling that quite well, thank you though.

Then what was there to do?

It truly goes without saying that I was quite stressed.

Not to mention the still unrequited feelings I had for Luke, these dangerous feelings I was growing for Guy; I had been _more_ than stressed.

To add salt to the wound, I had no one to confess these problems to, and was _more _than 'more than' stressed.

Perhaps I am whining too much, overemphasizing the situation, and blowing it way out of proportions, but it honestly felt that way to me. I needed a place to start, a place to begin, a place to work my way up from.

And when I realized what it was, I nearly refused it outright.

Guy. I needed to see Guy.

* * *

"He said he has training on Sylphday, so he'll see you on Lunaday."

I was thankful his back was facing me as he cleaned one of the windows in the manor. It meant I wouldn't have to remember that horrid dream I had. Hearing his voice brought it up, his smiling face, the happiness his kiss gave, but I pushed these all to the side. If I didn't want to think about it, it wouldn't come slinking back, being there in the back as I tried to act casual about it. Why of course not, Guy. Of course we're just friends. Why would I even consider you being more?

However, his answer had me far from thankful, and just plain annoyed.

"Correct me if I'm wrong," I asked slowly, soaking in this information, "he can't see me for _three days _because he has training on _one_ afternoon?"

I heard Guy sigh, as his arm reached higher, the creases in his shirt widening, as he reached for a different spot. "I know it doesn't sound good, but that's what he told me."

"Where is he now, may I ask?"

"Training."

I felt the anger burn at my neck. He was avoiding me. Being a spoiled _brat _as usual. The comment on he'd loved to see me again? Most likely a lie. Just so I'd get off his back, just so he could grit his teeth and go through the stupid thing. He didn't care about me. He only wanted to satisfy me, so I wouldn't bother him more than he'd like.

And I was just a stupid puppy, taking the scraps he gave me so I'd shut my damn mouth.

"Selfish." I whispered, my voice scary even to myself. I wasn't sure what I was saying, what was going through my head. All I knew was that I had enough. I had enough of Luke's selfishness, of my inability to help my country, of Guy's damned pity, and that I had to bottle it all up.

"Say something?" Guy turned his head to me, sitting on the ladder he was on. I glared up to him, and saw his shoulders stiffen.

I had enough of 'bottling it up'. I threw the glass to the ground, a loud clash resounding from it.

"He's so selfish!" I yelled. His clear, blue eyes widened, yet he did nothing. Good, because I had a few things to say.

"I can't believe him! He's always only thinking of himself! Never about me, oh goodness no! God forbid he ever gives a damn about me! His fiancé, the one that does _anything_ just so he'll accept me! No, but don't worry he thanks me! Yes he likes to call me a 'nag' and 'annoying' and…agh! _He's _the annoying one! Always blowing me off, choosing to train or…or who knows what else as long as _I'm _not involved!"

I felt the rage rush out of me, the dam broken, and the hate all flowing out. I saw myself do this, saw myself just break down, and let it all out. Let the frustration, the annoyance, the rage all come out. I saw Guy look afraid or helpless on what to do, confused, and…well, whatever else he felt. I wasn't too sure, and I still don't think it mattered all that much.

I soldiered on, my tone growing into one of sick humor.

"And then that comment about out promise?! Who cares? Because you know, I'm just _way_ too obsessed with it. Well, maybe there's a reason for that, you insensitive jerk! Maybe because it's precious to me, and it's all I have left, and…But what would _you_ know about 'precious'?! So selfish, so wasteful…He's just an _inconsiderate, lazy, selfish brat!_"

Then, silence. I panted from using so much air, and felt the blood warm my face, the anger prickling my skin. I was furious. Real furious.

I looked up to Guy, his face that of someone stunned and surprised. I couldn't blame him. What could one really say after such an outburst like that?

"…Feel better?"

Well, there was that, of course.

I took in his words, and prepared myself to snap back an offended response, but then it came to me. CLICK! Realized.

I _was _okay.

I felt my shoulders slump, my face fall, my legs go weak. It felt as if a large burden had been lifted, a great problem solved.

Someone _knew._

Someone knew my frustration with my fiancé, and I no longer had to pretend I was fine, just fine. At least with one person, I didn't have to be a proper princess who had it all together who was fine, just fine, but Natalia, a girl of sixteen who was just a bit frustrated with the world and the situation. I could be myself, the person who I didn't care to take on the mask of. All it was was collecting dust, while my visage of a strong lady had already been worn to the bones. And now, with him, I could wear that neglected mask, and it was okay.

Because he thought I looked just fine with it on.

I looked up to him, feeling tired, so very tired. I had a flash of remembrance from my dream, just as soon leaving me. I nodded, and smiled.

"Yes. I feel _much_ better. More than you could know."

Then, I cried.

* * *

And from that day on, it got even better. I could go to Guy, not even mattering when for him, to get everything off my chest. He didn't mind if he was working, or playing with his fontech, or talking with Luke. He would always take time out from his day, or drop what he was doing and listen to me. His attention only on me, his self only serving me.

And, yes, at first he only offered pity, but after pointing this out, after asking him politely to do better, he soon gave the empathy I so cherished. He listened to me, and didn't judge, but consoled me. He never spoke another accursed 'I'm sorry, Princess', but tried to relate. He tried his best to show that I wasn't alone, that he was helping me carry this weight, that he was right beside me and he wasn't going anywhere anytime soon.

And it made me feel good. It made me feel…loved. He succeeded in making me feel wanted. In different ways then me being a princess, or a beloved daughter, but as a person, as a woman, as just another human being.

And it felt so good. I loved being with him, and as much as I denied it…I loved him.

But it was still alright, I convinced myself. We were close friends now, the type you would go to in the middle of the night because you just wanted someone to talk to, to be with, to seethe to.

He was precious to me now, and I dearly wished he thought of me as the same.

And only because I just fell more in love with him.

* * *

I truly seem to be restless tonight. Will I be awake enough for tomorrow? It would be terribly rude if I fell asleep while I was there…How would he think of me then?

Guy, you would only smile and help me into bed, wouldn't you? It's hard to offend you with such things as that, especially as close as we are. With friends, you are more so kind, then angry. You let more things slide with us. With the exception of Luke, who you want to grow up…

…I ramble. My apologies.

Regarding my first outburst, I still acted kindly, and as strict as ever with Luke. I still had to wear the mask for him, had to sculpt him to be a better noble, a better person. I cared for him, but also expected much from him. More so demanding than Guy was with him.

And also, even though he still failed to reach my standards, I still loved the old 'Luke', the 'Luke' that promised me so long ago.

I loved him more than Guy, back then.

Now, however? Luke is my childhood friend, and no more. It's quite alright between us, and all is well.

My relationship with Asch?

…I'd rather not bring up such memories as those. Perhaps another time.

Anyway, these sort of memories were the first time I found myself smitten with Guy. I refused to let them grow, but with us growing closer, with us creating such a strong bond, it was inevitable. I just kept falling and falling into love with him, until all I wanted to know was him. All I wanted to see, touch, taste, smell, and hear was him. I felt shame, and I dreamed of him, and wished to be near him, but I kept it all to myself. These feelings weren't so dangerous that I felt my heart break each time I saw him, no. They were just feelings of love, from a young girl to her close male friend. I didn't hint at the feelings, and they would've probably died from being so unrequited for so long. It would have been fine, just fine, if they had been left unanswered.

Yet, they were answered, needed, wanted, and then the dangerous affair made itself known, needed, and wanted. If only Guy had never fallen for me, it would've been fine, just fine.

But he did, and it all began. It was all put in motion, and when we had admitted our feelings to one another, it was too late; there was no stopping it. It only grew, the secret becoming more scandalous, the affair growing more explicit, the feelings growing stronger. If only, I think sometimes. If only I had never grew to love Guy, if only Luke had cared just a little more, if only…if only Guy had never fallen for me.

Guy? Guy, can you hear me? There's only one thing I want to ask of you now, now that it's all over, now that it's all wrapped up, and forgotten, or ignored, it doesn't matter.

Guy, can you answer me this?

Why did you fall for me? You knew it was wrong, but you went along with it, anyway. Do you have the same answer as me? Because you were young, and foolish, and in love?

Or maybe, you just didn't want to care, and just wanted to love. I really can't speak for you. It's sad.

Guy…

Guy, I want to see you.

* * *

That's the end of chapter three! Thank you for reading! :3

Ah, sorry if Nat came off as OOC during the tea scene. And sorry if I'm making Guy too OOC as well…the next chapter should help clear that up. xD;;

Oh, yes! And I promise to improve on Luke's character in the next chapter. This is just how he acts toward Natalia; he has a good side, don't worry. D:

And sorry if this chapter came off as bland, too! So sorry! I will accept your flames for it, with my head bowed! Dx

Anyway, enough of that! Thank you once again for reading, and for your support. I greatly appreciate it. It's good to know there are other GuyNat fans out there. xD

Anyway, I hope you have a wonderful day! Ciao! :3

-Apple Fairy


	4. His memory: Touch

Hello and good to see you, reader! Apple Fairy here! .

Answers to reviews!

**Y- **Sorry, I'm just sorta nervous. This is my try with chapter fics, and my other one kinda went hiatus…I'm scared of losing people. D:

Thank you so much for the compliments! And thank you for reading! It's so good to know there are other GuyNat fans out there. It's an endangered fandom. xD

**Ami-** It's not that hard to portray him as a jerk. You just need to think the universe resolves around you, and it becomes so much easier. xD

Okay, JK. Thanks for the compliments! Ah, it was fun to show Guy and Nat as an awkward couple. It was fun! I hope I can do it again. ,D

Ah, on stuff like that, I just listen to my iPod or stare at the scenery.

Hey, I live in Texas! But only in a really obscure city. Sorry. xD;;

Kept up the good work, and updated! Enjoy! :3

Okay! Big surprise during this chapter (Actually not _that_ big of a surprise. xD;; )! Just to change it up a bit. :3

Enjoy!

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Tales of the Abyss.

* * *

_Unspeakable_

_Story by Apple Fairy_

* * *

_It's no wonder I fell for you. It's no wonder we left it at that._

_It's surprising, however, that you loved me back. That you'd take me, such a person as lower than you._

_I'm grateful._

_I'm happy._

_I love you._

* * *

My sister once said if you don't get enough sleep at night, you'll end up falling asleep standing up in the day, and topple into the sea. Never to see your family or home ever again. To be swallowed up by the sea, to be kidnapped by big, blue, Mother Ocean herself.

And of course, Mary knowing me best knew I was terrified of anything that cast a shadow, and knew that scare tactic would work. Which, it did. I was always frightened of everything back then. Instead of helping, most people thought I was the most adorable little lord in all of Hod.

And now, instead of anyone feeling bad for my gynophobia, they make the most of it. Maybe I was born under a bad star.

Wait. No. I was born under a roof.

Why do people use those sorts of metaphors anyway? I guess those with big imaginations tend to picture it literally and take the statement less seriously, because of it. Do I do that? Is it because the lack of sleep that I am? I honestly can't rest tonight. Ever since my shower, having gotten dressed in my nightclothes, I just ended up lying there in my bed. I tried to close my eyes, to have sleep take me to whatever dream I would dream, but…it didn't. I soon grew bored of it, my eyes grew irritated of the forced shutting, and I only lied there, staring at the ceiling, and sighed. I turned to my side, snuggled into my pillow, and tried to relax myself.

Yet, my body wouldn't comply, my mind too anxious for what tomorrow would bring.

I got up, and climbed out of bed, walking downstairs, the carpet feeling cushiony on my bare feet. I stopped in the dining hall, the moonlight flooding itself through the tall windows.

I read somewhere that 'midnight is like a different world'. That the noises of day, of humanity, of people in general are all gone, all quiet. All that can sing tonight, is the world, is Auldrant with her nature and her true musicians. I closed my eyes, and took this in, trying to see if it was true.

I could hear the aqueducts running throughout the city. The waters soft rushing, the babbling of a fountain, the one in the aristocratic district. I could hear the wind howling, shaking up the leaves in the trees, the soft shuffling, the howling, the babbling…

Then, a bird chirping.

I opened my eyes, and walked closer to one of the windows, absentmindedly putting a hand on the cold glass. Even if I squinted, and looked through all the trees I still couldn't see him. I sighed, and stood a little back, keeping my hand where it stayed.

It had been like this for a few days. Before I went to bed, before softly falling into the abyss known as sleep, I would hear a bird singing. I thought of it as nothing at first, and just went along my merry way.

But, then it continued night after night, and I began to think. What sort of bird sings at night? Mating season had been long over, what was the purpose? Was it a song thrush? It sure sounded like one…

"But it's nearing the end of Ifrit Recon," I whispered, "…they should have all migrated by now…"

Maybe he was a male who failed to find a mate. Who was left all alone, while the rest flew off to bring a new generation of singers. He never sang during the day; only this different world, this dream-like place, known as night. Was he still singing for a mate to come to him? For someone to come back to him, for someone to pick him out of so many million?

It was sad to think of things like that. I felt bad for him. Left all alone, left singing to a mate who would never come back…

I leaned against the cold window. Fall was approaching, and that meant the wind was getting colder.

Would he freeze to death? How heartbreaking.

I closed my eyes, and listened to his song. I listened to the water, the wind, the trees, and the last bird's final attempt.

Yes. Midnight was indeed a different world. Where mankind stepped down from their jobs, where mankind let nature take the land back for just a little while. Where the world was young again, where time slowed down, where all there was to do was listen, and relax, and just plain _exist._

I hugged myself. I should've really gone back to bed. I should've gone to sleep. I had a big day tomorrow and I'd need all the rest I could get.

I smiled. Tomorrow. I would get to see _her_ tomorrow. Will she smile? Will I be able to see her blush? Ah, I'm so eager…I can't wait to see her, to see her so happy, to see her so elated. Maybe that's why I can't sleep; because I can't wait for tomorrow to come.

Then, a vision of _her_ smiling face came to me. My grin was replaced by a frown, my heart ached. Ah, yeah, there was that. Almost forgot about _that_ dirty, little secret.

_It'll be fine, _I reassure myself. _She won't remember. We promised. Promised to never speak about it again .It's all the past, but…it's hard to forget. So hard._

I look to the smooth tile, the moon's blue light dying it a different color.

Natalia.

We were friends. Close friends, comrades, if you would, but nothing more. We used to be more. But that was the past, and the past was buried beneath all the present and the near future. It was gone, out of sight, and forgotten.

At least, we were _supposed_ to forget it. It's hard for me to. And I think it's sorta required that I'm supposed to, seeing what's going to happen tomorrow.

Then, the bird's chirping stopped, and I sighed, and sat in one of the dining room chairs. Expensive wood that would have to comfort me tonight.

I'm not falling asleep anytime soon.

I want to remember now.

I'm not supposed to. I'm supposed to forget it.

But I don't care.

This isn't my world. This is the night, and in the night, all the secrets come out. The sun with it's harsh rays isn't here to burn you with it's judgment. Not, it's only the moon's soft light, even taking in and singing lullabies to the darkness in the corner. The moon with her soft blue light, the wind with it's cold howling is all I have for company. No one will judge me here. No one will lecture me, and how I'm going against the rules.

It's okay here.

Everything's okay here.

This is the night that will take any lost, lonely and forgotten soul in her sweet and comforting embrace.

* * *

I found out there were requirements to being close to Natalia. While I had been Luke's servant, I did have time to visit her when Luke trained with Van. I would scramble to finish up my chores, to get my free time, and go off to see her. We arranged times when we could be together, when we could see each other.

Now that I look at it, it was as if we were already dating.

Well, we were young. I'm pretty sure we would've ignored, and denied that fact. We'd just keep repeating 'Of course not! We're only friends!' with red faces, Natalia in an offended tone, I in a mortified one. Funny how predictable you are when you're younger.

Yeah, I was nineteen if I recall. At the age of twenty-three…as I am now, I think I've at least matured a bit. If I haven't…well, than I'm a really hopeless case.

Anyway, there was a price to pay when you became friends with her. Well, it probably only implied to me, seeing as I was servant.

Even as I left the manor, I partially became her attendant. And she wasn't even married to Luke yet…

"Guy?"

"Yes, princess?"

"Can you help me run an errand?"

Always an order, never a question. But what did I do? Obliged, of course. I was a servant, and she was a princess. It was how things worked. Besides, I didn't mind; she was my friend, after all.

Maybe that's what Luke means when he says I'm a pushover?

I guess it doesn't matter now.

Either way, that's how most of our visits went. I helped her run errands, and we talked. We never stood still in our conversations, we were always rushing about, always meeting with this person, seeing how this project was going, or Natalia would stop and bargain with someone concerning something about this or that facility in the city.

"What do you mean two beds to a room in the hospital?! These people need their privacy, and I'll be damned if they don't!"

"Well of course no trees can survive in Belkend, but there must be something we can do! Why not a tree-lined entrance? Surely we can manage that?"

"No, I realize that there are enough people working at the port, but are you absolutely sure there is nothing these people can do for you? Anything at all, is good."

And, so on.

And depending on whether the person who was responsible for her solution treated her, she either came back to me storming mad, a smug smirk on her face, or a sort of defeated look saying she'd have to find another road to get to her destination. When waiting outside the office room/ off to the side as the two conversed/ in the waiting room as she met with another official, she would always come back with one of three greetings:

"The nerve of some people! Honestly, can you believe what they said to me?!"

Or:

"Well, everything's been worked out. To the next location, Guy. Let's go."

And the ever popular:

"…We need to talk."

In which the last one would lead to one of her little rants, me listening, offering as much advice if I could. And if there was none to be found and given, I'd show her the bright side. I had to help somehow, after all.

And that was how our little visits would go. She was always busy, always keeping herself busy, just rushing about, and trying to get everything finished before Rem hit the horizon. Sometimes I'd only smile at this, others I'd put my foot down and just say no.

"Princess Natalia?"

"Yes, Guy?"

"Have you eaten lunch yet?"

"No, not yet. Why do you ask?"

I sighed and crossed my arms, stopping where I stood. Natalia took awhile to realize I had ceased following her, and turned back to me.

"Guy, what is it?"

"You," I said slowly, "are going to stop, and let me treat you to a nice meal."

She furrowed her eyebrows in confusion, her face taking on a look of confusion. I think her ears were a bit red, but I can't really say to this day.

"What in the world are you talking about?" She asked as if I was suggesting we should go skinny-dipping in the ocean.

"Your highness, it's four 'o'clock."

"It's four twelve." She corrected me, glancing to her pocket watch. I shrugged.

"Close enough. C'mon." I motioned, and began walking back toward the main square. Natalia would have none of this care for her, however.

"Guy, I don't have time for this! I need to meet with the owner of the harbor, and pick able employees for him, and then I have to meet up with General Cecille to see-!"

"Princess."

She stopped, and I looked back to her. "Please. At least let me do this for you?"

I saw her face flush, her eyes avoid my own. I was used to these sorts of reactions whenever I spoke with women. I can never find out how I do it I just plain…do. It's hard to explain.

A few seconds past by, and she finally sighed and slumped her shoulders. Got her.

"Fine, fine." She half-sighed, waving her hands in defeat, and shook her head. "If you're so insistent, I suppose it won't hurt. But we have to be quick about this, understand? No high-class restaurant. Something middle-class."

I laughed. "You think I can afford high-class?"

She smiled, and we walked side by side. I think I could hear her stomach rumble, but I said nothing only smirking. She glared at me.

And that's how it was. A really basic friendship. A good one. I liked it, and it goes without saying she did too.

Then, I saw it.

I first saw it at the corner of my eye, soon vanishing as soon as I turned to look at it. Gradually it became more noticeable as I learned to look for whatever it was. At first I had to squint, then suddenly it came into view, coming close from the horizon. Soon, there it was, plain as day, visible to only me.

Natalia was in love with me.

She began to act strange when I was around. She got shy whenever I complimented her, her eyes soon avoiding mine. Her cheeks turned red whenever I smiled at her. And, this might just be me, but I noticed she tried to see me more often, soon waiting for me at the entrance of the manor, softly asking indirectly why I wouldn't hurry up, so I could see her earlier, could see her more.

"Princess? What are you doing here…?"

"It matters not. Guy, can you be quicker in the future? I have many things to tend to."

"I'm sorry…I didn't know you'd wait for me."

"…It's alright. Just…don't make me wait."

I wasn't sure what to do, the situation hard to handle. I didn't want to handle it too roughly; if I jumped to conclusions, I might get it wrong, might offend her. If I didn't do anything about it, it might get out of hand, to a point where I'd regret not acting.

So, I decided to voice these worries to the only man I could turn to, even though people turned to me the most.

Pere.

"Pere? You awake?"

It was evening, we both had lied down to sleep, and these thoughts would have none of me getting a good night's sleep. All the lights were off, and all I did was search endlessly in the darkness. I noticed it hurts your eyes after awhile.

"Yes. What is it, Master Gailardia?"

I half-smiled. When he called me that, it wasn't a bitter reminder of Hod, or my past, but a formal title given from an old servant who only wished to protect his master.

"…I can't sleep."

He laughed. "I can see that. What's wrong? Nightmare?"

"Too old for that sort of stuff."

"What's bothering you then?"

It was strange talking to him in this endless darkness. Even if I closed my eyes, it all remained the same. Nothing. Hearing his voice, unsure of where it came from was strange as well. I began to trace shapes into the sheets, the only thing I felt. I needed action; the darkness made me feel lost.

"…It's about this girl."

"Again? Is it about those three maids that gave you the love letters today? Can't choose?"

"No, of course not. It's…you see, I've recently befriended this one girl, and she…"

So, I explained, and lied. 'She' of course, wasn't the princess. I kept that a secret, saying it was a girl I had met, and had been becoming friends with. I couldn't tell him it was the princess; it could give him the wrong idea. Pere wasn't one to judge, but I also wasn't one to disappoint him.

And he only listened, quietly, making me wonder if I was the only thing existing in this darkness, staring up at a ceiling I couldn't see. Hugging myself not for warmth, but comfort, telling myself I was all there.

"Could she be falling for me?"

My final sentence, tying it all together and bringing it all to one point, and my problem. I waited for his response, which felt like forever here. Here, in this darkness.

"Well you have a habit of charming every woman, so I wouldn't be surprised."

"But she's different."

"How so?"

I bit my lower lip, and brought the sheets closer to me. I had said it without thinking, but I must have believed it true to just blurt it out. How _was_ she different?

…It was hard to say. In my lifetime, I had been surrounded by a myriad of women, all different and unique in their own way. All had one point, admitted I was charming, and that I was attractive in some way. All were also lovely to me, in one way or another. All with their different appeal and habits and quirks.

However, in the end, I never loved them. Only friends.

So how did her highness stand out so easily? What set her apart from the rest, why did she catch my eye? Why did I think she was 'different'?

"…I'm not sure." I admitted with a whisper, sounding more so as a question at the end. I'm pretty sure I had confused him.

"Then, describe her."

"Well…she's beautiful. And powerful and-"

"Powerful?"

"Yeah, like…"

"She fights?"

"No, no, of course not!" I stammered. The princess? Fighting? It didn't suit her. At least, not the fighting I knew.

"Then what do you mean?"

"I mean she…has a quiet sort of strength. Like…she _knows_ she has the strength to do anything she wants to, but…is noble enough to know how to control that strength."

He remained quiet for awhile, and I began to think of the words I had just said. Once again, these weren't ideas I had been mulling over in my mind, but ones that had just been realized, just been found. I tried to compare this description to Natalia, and found them to be true. The Natalia that fought with determination and goals the only thing she had in her journeys. She did anything to get to the end, did it while still retaining the image of a proper lady. She was…inspiring.

Very.

"…By the manner you describe her, maybe it's a good thing she's falling for you." He finally said. I felt my face heat, and wondered how I looked now. I sat up in my bed, leaning back on my hands, still feeling uncomfortable in the darkness.

"But…she can't. I…I don't want her to love me."

Truthfully, I was afraid she might fall for me. I hoped she might be immune to my unconscious advances. That she was too in love with Luke. Maybe my guesses were wrong, and she was a woman, just like the rest of them.

"What's wrong with that? Who knows; maybe you can finally settle down with a nice girl."

I felt the heat crawling up my neck. Me? Love the princess?

No. Bad. Like it's _forbidden _bad.

I laughed, trying to cover up the nervousness I suddenly felt. I was suddenly thankful for the darkness that made me feel uneasy; it covered up my features, and real emotions. In the shadows, one can easily lie.

"No way. Me, in love? Besides, what about my phobia? That'd make things difficult." I shrugged, and looked down. I heard some shuffling of the sheets next to me, and then _click!_

Suddenly light, and next to me, Pere was smiling, his hand still on the lamp's switch.

"Never say 'no' so soon. You'd be surprised what love can do to a person, Master Gailardia."

* * *

The next day, I caught Natalia crying. I went to her side, of course.

"I can't stand it."

I looked down to where she was looking. We were on a higher level, looking down to the port, ships deporting soldiers who had returned. They looked lost, sad, like people marching to their funeral even though they had already evaded death. I heard her draw in a sharp breath, and shudder. I felt helpless there. She was crying, for these people who sacrificed themselves for their country. I bit my lower lip. It felt awkward being here. What could I do? If I talked, I'd just give her a headache. I couldn't hold her…

How tragic. The one time she needs me most, I can't do even a simple thing like an embrace.

I decided to look with her, soon seeing some people with missing limbs, turning my head back in grimace. I felt useless then. So very useless.

Such was the way of war, such was the way she felt about her country.

"…P-Princess?"

She looked to me. She looked so sad, so lost. Natalia wanted me to say something to make it better, to come up with a solution, to fix everything.

At least, it looked that way to me.

"Yes, Guy. Wh-What is it?"

I suddenly felt uncomfortable. What could I say? I thought I could improvise, but all my choices seemed so wrong. To ask if she was okay would be cruel. To ask how she felt would be redundant.

"…Do you wanna talk?"

Because talking was all I could do, and touching was obviously out of the question. How useless.

She frowned, and looked down, hugging herself.

"…I don't know what to do."

I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion. I decided to continue, picking out my words carefully.

"What do you mean?"

"I want to do something for them. I…I _need _to. But what?"

I looked to the side. "I-I'm…not sure."

"Exactly! And I feel so pathetic, so…so worthless! I can't do anything, but stay here with my cushy life, while they're out there fighting for us, and…and-!"

Then, she burst into tears, crumbling right in front me, while I could only stand by and watch. I wanted to hold her, to stroke her hair, to tell her everything was going to be okay, that she wasn't worthless, that she was Natalia and she meant everything to me. I wanted her to stop crying, for my heart to stop aching, and I just wanted this phobia to go the hell away.

I looked around. No one was here. Vacant, it seemed.

No one but me to comfort her, and I failed at that.

"I'm sorry, Guy." She spoke weakly, "I should go."

And then, she was walking away from me, holding herself, head ducked. I reacted so suddenly, it took me awhile to realize.

I pulled her back to me, and held her, as tight as I could.

There was a shudder of breath, a sharp intake, really. Her body went rigid under my touch, and I buried my face into her hair. I felt the tears on my chest, but…I…I don't think I really noticed or cared, really.

She hugged me back. She began to drop, so we just sorta fell to the ground to a sitting position, holding each other. We didn't say anything, and it's not to say it was awkward, and she _did _continue crying, but…it felt comforting. Soothing to hold her. I…I'm not sure but I think she thought that too.

So, it had been done. After eight long years of knowing her, I finally got the nerve to hold her. Overcame my fear, and comforted her without words for once, and just touched her.

Like any couple would.

I'm not sure how long it was. It could've been thirty minutes or an hour, or whatever. Either way, when she stopped and when I finally let go, asking her of she was okay, she was speechless.

"Guy…you can touch me?"

A whisper. I'm not sure whether it was a good thing or not that I had gotten her attention on something else, but she remembered about it later anyway, and maybe that's all that matters.

It took me awhile to register what she said, to take it in. I looked down to my hands numbly and realized I…I had.

_With these hands, I…_ It was amazing, at least to me. For this phobia to be gone, for it to be cured…

The next day, I'd find out I wasn't cured completely when a maid tried to approach me. Only to Natalia was it cured. But that's for another time, and this is then.

I looked up to her, and she met my eyes. We…We didn't say anything. It was shocking, to the both of us, I think. We just sort of stared at each other, astounded, amazed, and…and, well, awestruck.

Then, she grabbed my hands and laced her fingers between mine. They felt warm. I couldn't feel her skin, seeing as we were both wearing gloves, but I bet it was soft. She was delicate like that. Always so delicate and gentle.

Easy to break, easy to love; Natalia. That's what she's like.

"Princess…" I had whispered, not sure what to say, not sure what was going on. The clouds darkened the day, and it all felt so unreal, so strange. Like a dream. To touch her, to have her hold my hands, to have her green eyes look up at me with that simple, innocent look…

All so much like a dream.

"Yes?" Her voice was soft and quite. I'm not sure why we were whispering; there was no one to hear us. No one to hide from.

But it was like we were sharing a secret. Like kids whispering silly, little riddles to each other, playing hide and seek with each other, evading the watchful eye of 'it' who didn't exist. It all felt so dreamlike, so naïve and…and innocent. Like these secrets weren't a horrible, shameful thing, just playful acts performed by children that no one really cared to deem important, not caring to deem it stupid, either.

Just a sort of harmless state of mind.

I gulped. Was my face red? Was that my heart beating in my ears? Was any of this actually real?

Well, if it was a dream, it was sure a nice one.

"Um…" I looked to the side, and then felt her hands on my cheeks, turning me to face her. She looked so surprised at her own actions, so confused at what she was doing. What _were_ we doing? _Who_ were we?

Who really gave an honest damn?

"Guy, I…"

And then, I felt her hands drifting into my hair, running her fingers through my locks. Her face was close to mine, and she only looked at me. It took me a moment to realize that she was asking me what to do, what she was allowed to do. I was mortified, embarrassed, my head not quite sure where to begin. Everything was happening so fast, everything wasn't letting me slow down and figure it all out. We were crossing lines, throwing care to the wind, and breaking every rule we had danced around. There was no discussing this, the time for words looking absurd. All there was was action, and I wasn't quite sure what to do. We were creating our own boundaries now, and it was my turn to choose how far we could go. So, with spotlight blinding me, I began to inch forward, to her, to something completely wrong, to a future I would regret years and years later.

Then, it began to rain.

It was a few droplets at first. It had warned me, yet in this dreamlike trance, I don't think I really noticed. Then, it grew stronger, pelting us with it's cold, and she drew away, and I stood up. It was all a rush; I can't really describe it well. We ran, of course, to some shelter. I think I had grabbed her hand so she could catch up to me.

In the end, we ended up on of the motorized cars, trying to catch the air that had escaped us, breathing ragged, hearts pumping, bodies wet, awkwardness left back where we had crossed the line. I looked up at the car's roof, and tried to wake up from that dreamlike trance, realizing what had happened, wrapping my head around it, getting the facts straight while it was fresh on my memory.

I heard a shuttering of engines, and jerked my head to her, seeing her hand just leaving the switch. We were headed to the aristocrat district, no stops on the way.

It was an awkward silence. I heard the rain pitter pattering by us, some of the water even managing to hit me, but other than that it was an eerie stillness in there.

"…So you can touch me?"

I looked to the side. "Y-Yeah…"

"That's…That's good…"

Another uncomfortable silence. I shifted my weight to one side. She had her back turned to me, on the opposite side. I looked for a different topic, something to make everything normal again.

It was a fruitless attempt, but I tried anyway.

"Why were you crying?"

A sore subject, but at least it was something. I looked up to her. She was hugging herself, the water dripping off her.

"…I want to do something for them. I want to do something for the soldiers of in war. I…I just don't know what."

And then, I felt my shoulders relax, surprised my body had been tense this whole time. What had happened back there seemed to be like a dream; completely untrue, all made up. It was okay. It had never happened. I just had to pretend it had never happened.

"You've thought of this?"

She turned to me. We were easing back into our normal friendship, retracing our steps back to the normal and harmless closeness. This was our comfort zone, the only place we wanted to stay. We had a taste of the outside, and we had immediately rushed back in.

It wasn't meant to be, anyway.

"Yes." She answered, while nodding her head, "I have."

"Well, you haven't got a thing?"

"Guy, which do you think has more power: words, or action?"

"Excuse me?"

"Answer the question, Guy."

She had turned her head to the side, looking at the city as it passed by slowly. I was confused by her question, but chose the safest answer.

"Words, I think."

She stayed quiet for awhile, only offering a small 'Mmm…' in response, like she was agreeing, but not all there. She looked like she was thinking, so I decided not to interrupt her, and tried to warm myself, my clothes soaked, my skin cold. I took off my vest and gloves, and hugged myself. No, that just made me colder.

"…A speech?"

"Pardon?"

I looked back to her; her head was turned toward me, her expression a sort of bored thoughtfulness.

"What if I was to give them a speech? You know; boost their spirit. I could go to the battlefield, and urge them on, and thank them and…well, the possibilities are endless." She began to smile, probably satisfied with herself. I wasn't sure what to say, and only smiled half-heartedly.

"That sounds like a good idea, your majesty." I nodded. She smiled at me, such a warm smile.

And right there, with her soaked and her hair wet and limp, and her entire image just sort of ruined…

…She looked so very beautiful to me. So gorgeous and stunning and…inspiring.

I guess this is where I fell for her. Right there, with the rain parading around us, the engines toiling under us, and the cold biting into our bones, was when I fell in love with Natalia Luzu Kimlasca Lanvaldear.

_Ping!_

I practically jumped out of my skin, and heard the machines rumble. She looked out the now open doors.

"We're here, Guy."

* * *

It just sorta stuck there. This thought, these feelings, this strange attraction, was stuck there in the back of my mind. I tried to think of other things, but it was always there, in the back, stuck there. I tried to preoccupy myself with other things, and I tried to get rid of this thought, but it just stayed there, quite happy with it new home, refusing to go anywhere else.

To say it bluntly, it was annoying and mind racking. I hated it. Well, disliked it, but the basic gist of it is, was that it was unpleasant.

I did things in a sort of numb state after the whole hugging fiasco. My mind was all focused and stuck on Natalia, and how beautiful she was, and how she felt in my arms, and everything else about her that I found attractive, and funny, and cute and whatever else men in love thought about the objects of their affection.

I didn't deny it. I knew myself, and I knew when to admit something when it was just there, plain as day, waving 'Hey there!' to me as if we had known each other forever.

I admitted I was in love with Princess Natalia.

But that's not say I was overly-giddy with the fact, or overly ashamed of it. I was in love. Most people fell in love. It wasn't the beginning of the best years of my life. When I admitted it, I still went to bed that night, still got up in the morning, still had breakfast, and did my chores, and hung out with Luke, like I always have. I still loved fontech, was still hit on by the maids, and I still practiced swordsmanship. Nothing had changed. I was still me. I was just in love.

And, when we get to the bottom of it, isn't that all that love is?

Just love?

But, I digress.

Sure, I thought about Natalia more, but I didn't feel I had committed the worst sin in all of mankind because of it. I found Natalia attractive, and that's what love is too. Nothing to be ashamed of; every person falls in love once in their life.

That's not to say, however, that I wanted to pursue a relationship with her. It was impossible. I was a servant, she was an engaged princess; it goes without saying. I sourly doubt she'd wish one with me anyway. Natalia would never risk a scandal, not just for love. She loved her country more than she loved anything else.

She was a lady before she was a woman.

So, I decided it was better to not wish for one. It would never happen; it was a hopeless dream. I decided to be satisfied with watching her from afar, from loving her and appreciating her from my position as 'close friend'.

I could be content with that. It was okay.

So, as I brushed Luke's hair the next day, I found myself thinking of her, but not to the point of wishing to break all the rules for her.

"Luke?"

I still found myself doing strange things, anyway. Strange things I couldn't explain, I couldn't fathom. They weren't hurtful things; only odd.

"Mm?"

"Do you…do you want to marry Princess Natalia?"

He looked up to me in a confused way. He tilted his head to the side a bit. "Where'd this come from all of a sudden?"

I smiled a half-smile, and shrugged, as I looked down to him. "Just curious."

"Is this 'cause you hang out with her so much? Is she complaining about me?"

_I've been with her that much? I hadn't noticed…_ I thought, surprised, but shrugged it off.

"No, not really."

"Hey, Guy?"

"Hm?"

"Why do you hang out with her so much, anyway?"

I slightly nudged Luke's head back to it's original position, and continued my work. How could I answer that? Answer it so Luke could understand?

I could see him growing impatient in the vanity's mirror.

"…Because she's a good friend."

Then, just as quick, it turned to confused again. Luke made it easy to read him.

"She doesn't annoy you at all?"

"Nope."

"Then why does she act so irritating to me?"

"Because she loves you, silly."

Luke then turned around, causing me to stop abruptly. He looked generally confused now, like a child. It had me remember that he was only a child in mind, so innocent to the world, too spoiled to be cared for by others. It gave me nostalgia of those days I had raised him.

"Love? Why would she do that is she loved me? You don't make sense, Guy!" He pointed out immaturely, trying to cover up the fact that he didn't know. I felt a smile tug at my lips. It was cute.

I pushed the bangs out of his forehead, and leaned down to meet his eyes. I smiled. "It's just love, Luke. You'll understand when you're older."

His face looked clearer to me now with all that hair out of the way, his eyes widened in semi-surprise. He looked to the side, his cheeks turning red.

"D-Don't…don't treat me like a kid…" He had muttered. I laughed, ruffled his hair, and fell back onto the bed. I sat back on my hands, and tilted my head to the side.

"How about I tell you about the outside world again, yeah?"

He looked at me surprised, then smiled, and nodded his head. "Yeah! Tell me about Daath again! It's where Master Van works, right?"

I smiled, my heart warming. Luke had his moments, where you just couldn't help but love him. Maybe that only happened with me; maybe it was because I partially raised him. Who's to really say?

"Alright."

But it was all the more reason I cherished our friendship, and why I couldn't bear to betray him just for a chance with Natalia.

* * *

"I'm asking you to help me."

I looked to her, her face serious, her features dyed a soft orange, credit due to the setting sun. Her eyes were bright, her mood solemn. I stayed quiet, and mulled over my answer.

"Is that really alright with you?" I asked, my tone growing serious as well. Our playful conversation gone, the mood more mature. This was a major topic, and the time for jokes was gone. Time to put the kiddies to bed.

She nodded her head, the blonde waves shaking with her, some of them catching the light and shining. "Yes. I…I trust you, Guy."

"I haven't been in war; I don't know what it's like."

"You're the only one I can trust with this."

_Is it alright, even though I've already fallen for you? Can you really ignore what happened two days ago?_ I wanted to ask her, but kept my tongue. I was amazed she hadn't brought it up. Maybe it was unspoken. Maybe it was a taboo to bring it up. If we just decided it wasn't there, it would be fine. Nothing would be put on the line, nothing would be showing we were going too far, and we wouldn't have to live with an awkward relationship.

The price to pay was all the guilt to carry, but hey! That's not too bad, compared to actually admitting it happened!

…Sarcasm aside. Sorry.

We were in the library, the window showing me the setting sun, the room all dyed a sort of warm orange, a sort of light warming me. Natalia sat in front of that window.

Like that time she had 'trouble' with those words.

Ah, what a long time ago that was. What was that; Five years ago? How time passes. And now, here we are again, her asking me a favor I couldn't possibly help with.

"I'm not that good of a writer." I smiled half-heartedly, and shrugged. She kept on her serious face and shook her head, offering an awkward smile.

"Neither can I. That's why I'm asking you to help me."

"But Princess-"

"Natalia."

I raised my eyebrows in surprise. Did I just hear that? Did that really happen?

"Excuse me?"

"When we're alone…address me as Natalia."

"Princess, I couldn't! I mean, I'm just a servant-!"

"I don't care." She interrupted me again, holding a hand up for me to stop. "You're my friend, and you shall call me by my actual name."

Natalia had been one who followed the rules of etiquette religiously, as if it were the Score itself. She would never go against them, would never break the rules.

But right then and there, she had looked so…innocent. Free. Like…well, like she was opening up. Like she didn't care. She didn't look like Princess Natalia, the next in line for the throne of Kimlasca, but…Natalia, a teenage girl who just wanted a wish to be granted by me. To have a favor fulfilled by me.

It was so surprising for me right there to see a Natalia like that. I was caught off guard. I was used to Natalia opening up, but not like this. It wasn't like when she would rant, but…it was _more _than that. She was saying things that were forbidden, but she didn't care. She was throwing care to the wind, and wanting things that she had kept inside this whole time.

…At least, that's how it felt like to me; I'm not her; I can't really say.

It was like a secret though. One she had been nurturing for so long, they had grown more meaningful. They had grown more special, and now they were let out, shown only to me, on their only and last time to shine.

And it made me feel precious to her. And for one who was in love with her, it made me feel like I was on Cloud Nine. I gulped, and felt my legs weaken

"…Natalia."

It sounded so new to me, so…so good to say it too. For just awhile, I could forget we were of different statuses, and maybe consider us being together…but I had just as soon reminded myself, and the thought left just as quick.

She smiled, and looked away from me. She was shy. How cute.

"Thank you, Guy."

_Gailardia, _I wanted to say. _Call me Gailardia. It's my real name._

I felt an urge to tell her. To tell her about the real me, about my real past, about everything I had hidden. I had secrets too, that I wanted to tell. I wanted to tell her I was a noble, a count's son, and that I was really from Hod. I wanted to tell her everything, and have her know all of me, throughout.

But I couldn't. Then, I would have to tell her everything else too. I would have to tell her why I was there, that I had once wanted to kill the fiancé she had so loved.

I couldn't do that. If I did, she'd hate me, and maybe Luke would hate me, too. I didn't want either of them to hate me, not even one of them. They were both my friends, both precious to me, and I didn't want to lose them.

So, like her, I decided to keep it all inside, and keep on nurturing them. While these feelings associated with them grew in shame, I decided to never let them be known. It was all better that way anyway. Ignorance was bliss, and this sort of knowledge wasn't necessary.

"...You really want me to help with the speech?" I asked, going back on topic, shoving those thoughts to the side. She smiled and nodded.

Soon, the sun went down fully, melting into the horizon. The room grew shadowed, and she stood up, walked toward me, and placed a hand on my chest.

"As I said before, Guy; you're the only one I can ask to do this."

* * *

To this day, I'm still not sure what she meant by that. Neither am I sure how she was able to touch me. When we had…ended it all, I felt afraid of her touch after awhile of the 'breakup'. (If that's what you'd call it.)

Maybe Pere was right. Maybe love _could _do strange things.

…Geez, that sounds corny. Well, I'm only human, so I really can't say what had caused me to get over it for her. It's all done and over with anyway.

I've already gotten over my fear anyway. At the age of twenty-three, it's already been outgrown, and beaten and overcome. What's done is done.

Other than that, I don't regret falling in love with Natalia. I don't feel ashamed of what we did. I know I should, considering what's happening tomorrow, but I just…don't.

Something flashed in front of my eyes. I stood up, and walked back to the window. My eyebrows raised in shock.

Was that what I thought it was? Was that the bird who had been singing this whole time?

He looked so small. So small, and fragile. It was silly for me to be amazed by something as fragile as this, but…I was. Like seeing someone who was about to go to his final battle. Like this was the only and last chance.

Like the last time I saw Luke before he had disappeared to free Lorelei back in Eldrant. Like the last time I had seen Asch in Grand Chokmah before he went off to our last fight.

Like the last time I had said goodbye to Natalia as her lover, only to see her again as only a servant.

I tried to open the windows, to go catch it, so I could at least take care of it. I'm not sure why. I wanted to at least keep something. I felt a sudden hit of sadness remembering all those times. No more. Let me do something right; please.

Then, a knock, and he flew off.

I felt my heart ache, as I saw him fly off, only destined for death. I felt so helpless, then. I sighed, and heard another series of knocks at my door.

A visitor? At this hour?

I opened the door. I hadn't expected this.

* * *

That's the end of it! Ah, a cliffhanger! Sorry for leaving it like this, sweeties. xD

There's lots more, don't worry. A total of fourteen chapters is what I'm planning. And no, Guy won't be narrating them all. It'll switch back to Nat, but not yet. :3

Anyway, hope you liked the changes in POV! Sorry if the writing's too descriptive too. D:

Anyway, thanks for reading! I hope you have a wonderful day. :3

-Apple Fairy


	5. His memory: Closer

Hello and good to see you, reader! Apple Fairy here! .

Answers to reviews! And remember for those with accounts, check your inboxes! :3

**Ami-** Ah, I hope you have a better day today! Remember, there's always the sun shining behind that rain cloud! :3

Thank you for the compliments! I was really worried how well Guy's POV would be received, and it seems it's actually quite a hit. Thank goodness!

Thank you for reviewing! And sorry for leaving you on a cliffhanger too!

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Tales of the Abyss.

* * *

_Unspeakable_

_Story by Apple Fairy_

* * *

_So warm. So very soft._

_You make the world disappear. In this sort of haze, this sort of laziness, in this sort of paradise, I really am in love with you._

"_My love?"_

"_Yes?"_

"_I adore you."_

_Such a sweet smile. I already knew your answer._

"_I know very well."_

_Always this answer; the one I'm so very grateful for it. Let's live like this. Live in this paradise forever._

* * *

Jade never liked the night.

It wasn't because it was dark, or because he was very well tired by this time. He _was _a bit annoyed that he had to stay awake like this, had to bear with the sleep tugging at his eyelids. He felt another gush of wind hit him, and sighed, pulling the coat closer. At least he had the sense to wear one. Fall was creeping up on them all, and that meant winter would soon rush in, right on it's heels.

He hated how he had to bear with the cold, how he would've just _loved_ to crawl into his bed right then, and get him a nice rest under the nice cozy sheets warming him all up, right to his bones.

However, he couldn't. All because this wouldn't stop nagging at him right in the back of his brain. This problem, this little detail that seemed so small, but could cause such catastrophic damage if something wasn't done or at least _said_ about it.

The colonel stopped for awhile, and looked up to the bright full moon. Colder nights meant clearer skies. All the stars weren't fascinating to him; neither was that contrasting white, pearl people had named Luna. He could name all the constellations now; it was all second nature. Sleepless nights in Keterburg with his sister, Peony, and…Dist had given him memories, better off in the past. He could still hear Nephry calling out the constellations, to all four of them, all of them huddled together in the snow, for warmth or friendship, who really cared?

_That's Yulia's eyes…and right around there, next to the fonbelt is the mighty Liger's mane…_

"…And around there is the Liger cub's petite mane…" Jade whispered, then caught himself, and sighed once more.

How troublesome. He really _was _getting old if he was only standing in the middle of the street, reminiscing about old times.

He smirked to himself, shook his head, and kept on walking. It was cold nights like this he disliked. They were bitter reminders of the past, things that were better left in the back of one's mind.

The past was the past, and there was no need for one to dig it back up. That was Jade's way of thinking.

He held back a yawn, and finally saw his destination in sight. He felt the wind rush at him, his hair flying with it, but he kept his hands in his pockets, showing no signs of fixing it. It settled back on it's own anyway, when the zephyr had retreated.

Jade stopped in front of the door, and raised a fist.

_Knock, knock, knock._

* * *

"Jade? What are you doing up at _this _hour?"

"I could ask you very well the same thing, Count Gailardia."

I sighed. The way he had said it was like he was throwing dirt on the title. Playfully. If that was even possible.

Then, his face grew sincere. I felt the need to get serious surge up my spine, like all the other times he gave me that look. He really had this sort of air around him, the air of a colonel when he gave you that look. It took all I could to not say 'Sir, yes sir!'

…Because if I did that, God knows what he'd say in his 'playful' matter as he did. Jade was really a strange character, a multi-faced man. He gave me headaches, he gave me advice, he gave me orders, and he gave me smirks, and pokes of fun, and scary smiles…

…I'm not sure what to say we were. Comrades? Acquaintances? _Friends?_

Nah. With Jade, you can never be sure what he thinks, more so what he thinks of _you._ I suppose it really doesn't matter all that much anyway.

"Guy, I need to talk with you. Is that alright?"

I blinked in surprise. Talk? About what?

"S-Sure…" I stuttered, and moved to the side, letting him in, closing the door behind him. He pulled off his coat, and I offered a hand to take it. He raised his eyebrow in question, or surprise, I wasn't sure.

"Don't servants do that?"

I laughed, "They're all asleep. 'Sides, it's not that much of a problem."

He shook his head. "It won't take long." And walked to the living room, not even allowing me to say an 'Alright'.

Jade had visited my mansion enough (mostly self-invited) to know where everything went, to know where he was allowed to go. Jade was a strange guy, but hey. At least he was a gentleman while he was at it.

…If that was possible.

He collapsed on the couch, and looked to me. "Guy, be a dear and fix me a cup of coffee, would you? I like it black."

I suppressed the urge to sigh. First he points out the owner of the house shouldn't be doing 'servant work', and then he orders me around as one. Typical Jade behavior. After living in Grand Chokmah for so long, I was so used to it, it wasn't even funny anymore. Well, technically it wasn't funny to begin with.

But I guess this is all lost on him, and I find myself doing it anyway. Maybe Luke was right. Maybe I _was _a pushover.

"Long night?" I asked from the kitchen, deciding to strike up a conversation.

"No; I'm just not a nocturnal person is all."

"Hm. Neither am I. But I just can't sleep tonight." I half-chuckle. He didn't respond with his usual playful tone though.

"…Is it because of what's going to happen tomorrow?"

I feel a smile come to my lips instinctively. My heart warmed. Ah, is it like this already? Was I that eager?

"Mmhm, you bet." I answered cheerfully. "You want sugar or cream, or anything?"

"Guy's not a good listener." He scolded in a sing-song voice. "Didn't I say I like it black?"

I was too much in a good mood to be hindered by his taunts. I laughed. "Sorry! Slipped my mind." I shrugged, and walked back to him, handing the mug to him, taking a seat in an armchair at the left of the couch. He took a sip of the dark liquid, his features hard to read.

When he took the cup down from his lips, he looked to me, his face once again serious. I felt the good mood leave me, too frightened by the darker air.

"Actually, I've came to talk about that, Guy."

"What's there to talk about?" I asked skeptically. It was hard to read Jade, his motives, his expression…he was so cryptic, like he enjoyed seeing you run around in circles trying to make sense of anything he said or did. So, in situations like this, where he seemed to be on the verge of interrogating me, I was helpless, left nothing to defend myself with, only human instinct to guide me.

"I've noticed you've been acting strange."

"Me? Strange? How?"

"Your eyes always lean to the side when you talk about her."

"You mean N-"

"Yes, the very same."

I was a bit confused on why he cut me off, but shrugged it off. It didn't matter. I shot him what I hoped was a confused look. "Really? I have?"

"Yes. And you seem a bit iffy when I mention her as well."

"…I can't deny that."

Enough of playing dumb. Jade knew his facts. He knew what was going on. I'd have to face this head on, had to go into this battle blind, than avoid it with fruitless attempts. I saw his expression change slightly, just as soon going back to his aloof thoughtfulness.

"Why is it? If you were to turn her away now…"

"I would never do that."

"Do you and Natalia perhaps have a history together?"

I froze. That quick? He really came with the correct solution _that _quick? Jade was good, real good. I looked to the side, and twiddled with my fingers, as he took another sip. With all the lights, but a few turned off, with the room so dim, he looked sinister. His red eyes caught in the light, the shadows casting in just the right direction, and the mood just about made him out to be someone who could possibly ruin me.

But that was only in image. I knew Jade; he had pride. Even if I told him about the affair, he would've disapproved of it, but kept his tongue. He wouldn't do something as low as spread gossip, or tell scandals. He was more mature than that.

I knew if he asked for more information, it was safe to tell him, but it would have to be a last resort. Until then for _her_…it would remain a secret. Just as we had promised.

"…That obvious?"

"Just a guess, really, but am I right?" He asked lightly, turning to me, another hard to describe emotion on his face. It looked like a cross between authority and suspicion, but I could be wrong for all I knew. I looked to my hands, and said nothing. What was there to say? Why sure! Of course I did! I practically went behind my best friend's back, and did all sorts of things with her, but it's okay! That was all the past, and it won't affect tomorrow at all, really!

…I'm feeling somewhat bitter tonight. Maybe because all of this is endangering my relationship with her.

"…So if I was?" It was supposed to be a question, but it came out sounding like a statement. I continued to say nothing; I had already lost the battle, all there was to do was to accept defeat and let him take his reward.

"I see. Guy, you've kept this a secret for this long…?"

"In my defense," I piped up, my voice sounding so raw, so offended…I didn't feel like it, though. Strange. "it happened a long time ago. Even before we went on our journey. We ended it when Luke and Tear were transported during the hyperresonance."

He remained quiet, and took another sip of his coffee, I suddenly felt annoyed, and I still wasn't sure why. I wasn't angry at Jade, nor at having to tell it all…maybe I was just annoyed that the affair had happened in the first place, and it came back to haunt me as soon as something wonderful was going to happen.

Yeah, it was probably that. I wasn't angry at Natalia, just what we had done.

"Yet you still think about it. It shows, Guy."

"I know." I sighed, and sat back in the chair, the plush cushioning my fall. "And I'm not too proud of it, either."

Then, an awkward silence. I'm pretty sure Jade hadn't thought of it that way, but it felt like it to me. He kept me on the cliff, blowing on the wind, standing over me, leaving me to wonder if he was going to offer a hand of help, or just step on my fingers and let me die right there. He stalled and stalled, taking another drink of coffee, a soft 'Mmm' coming from him. I could only wait, defeated, to see what his reaction would be.

I understood where he was coming from. Considering what hole I had dug myself in with this affair, and now taking a step like this…Yeah, I would be worried too.

Then it struck me. Jade? Worried?

_I guess he's got his soft spot too._ I thought, amazed, a bit touched as well. To think, the most devious person I knew cared about me. Or maybe he worried for her. Either way, he was displaying a different image then 'Mature Scholar' or 'Sneaky Devil' so it was a new change of pace I'd appreciate.

Still, the current conversation wouldn't let me cherish this small fact, and I still remained more so nervous than moved.

"Are you sure?"

"Huh?"

He looked back to me, his red eyes finally showing an emotion I could read. He looked worried, but mature at the same time. I don't think there was ever a time I saw Jade display an immature face. Even when he made his little jokes, he more so looked like he was laughing at you then anything childish.

"Are you sure you're making the right choice, given your past?"

I nodded gravely. "Yes."

"Really?"

"There's no doubt in my mind. I'm going through with it."

He paused, and only stared at me, me doing the same. Neither of us faltered. It was true; I had no regrets. I could ignore it, I could move on. I wouldn't let it interfere with this, wouldn't let it get in the way of my dream. It would be fine, just fine.

Then, after what felt like hours which were only seconds, he sighed. It sounded so tired, it reminded me for a brief moment Jade was thirty-eight, much older than the rest of us, much more exhausted. I felt a little bad for him, and then remembered he loved to use that as an excuse to be lazy.

…It didn't look so bad anymore.

"If you insist." He began slowly, "…I suppose it won't be so bad then. But as a _friend-_"

"We're friends?" I blurted out, soon scolding myself inwardly when he smirked.

"You don't think of me as one? I'm _wounded_, Guy, really. To think you could be _so_ cruel…" He sighed in fake sorrow.

"N-No, of course not! I didn't mean it like that, I…It's just that we really don't come off like that and-!"

"So you're saying that I'm not a good friend, either? Now, Guy, didn't your mother teach you better?"

"Well of course, Lorelei rest her soul, but she's very well gone now, Jade."

"As is mine, but you don't see _me _bullying friends around, do you?"

_Only if it's Dist, _I thought subconsciously, but decided to keep my tongue.

And before I knew it, the air had grown from serious and business like to a sort of playful air, a sort of cheery mood.

Well, cheery in a way that 'Guy's being pestered! Yay!' sort of cheery.

…If that was even possible.

"Either way," I sighed and looked up at him. He still wore that mischievous smile on his face. "Was that all you wanted?"

He shrugged. "Oh, kicking me out already? And here I thought we were making such lovely progress." He tsked, and tilted his head to the side, his hair falling with it. "But I suppose you're right. It's late and you have a big day tomorrow."

I was thankful. It would usually take more to have Jade leave me alone.

"But you're certain you've made the right decision? She's done a lot for us, and the last thing I'd want is you regretting it."

I took a while to answer, and I wasn't quite sure why. Was I faltering? No. I couldn't be. Of course I had no regrets, and of course I thought this was the right choice. There was nothing wrong at all. Natalia was only a friend now, and that relationship had long since been left alone. These feelings were gone, and now I only thought of her as a close friend, a comrade, an old love. We were quite alright with this agreement, and there was nothing else to say about it, nothing else to do.

"Of course I am, Jade. What happened between Natalia and I was a long time ago."

Once again, he paused and placed the mug on the coffee table in front of him, leaning back once more, crossing his arms, and staring straight into my eyes. I prepared myself for another 'Are you sure?' and braced myself when his lips moved, for the words to form.

"…If you say so, Guy."

Then, he stood up, his coat draped over his arm, like a waiter or butler. He gave me a curt nod. "I just wanted to make sure. Thank you for your time."

I was caught off guard by his sudden retreat. He hadn't been cornered, hadn't been proven wrong. I thought his original intention was to have me confess what had happened, what had occurred. He wanted me to talk to her, and I would have none of that.

It was a secret, and it would stay one.

But he gave in. He was leaving; I was really seeing him off. When he said 'Best wishes and goodnight.' I only smiled and said 'Thank you. Sleep well, Jade.'

And even after I saw him walking down the streets, a shadow, a figure all alone in this cold, different world known as night, I still couldn't understand his sporadic visit.

What was the purpose? Of course he said he was worried, that was understandable, but he wanted nothing else?

Soon, I felt the wind brush by me, and shivered. I walked back inside, closing the door with a soft _click._

I left my hand on the knob for a while, trying to figure him out.

There must've been something else. You don't just come in the middle of the night to ask something, be certain of it, and just leave.

…_you've made the right decision…?_

His last question rung in my head. Was that…?

No. Maybe because I was too wary before was why I didn't hear it, but…the sort of tone he used…

…it was like he was trying to give me advice. Some really vague and hidden advice, but advice nonetheless.

"The right decision…?" I whispered absentmindedly and pondered this fact. Was he asking me a different question…?

Jade was a smart person. He didn't do things on a whim or strange things without having a valid reason. This little visit meant something, and he was asking me something incredibly important.

He was trying to see if I wanted to go back to Natalia while I still had the chance.

_No_, I thought to myself, answering his question, even if he was long gone,_ I don't._

Natalia was a close friend, an old flame, a person who was precious to me. However, I had already chosen where my life was headed, and she couldn't fit into it right next to me. We had moved on. She had someone else.

She had Asch, and I was quite alright with that.

But, as always, Jade found ways of bothering me, even when trying to give me good advice. I began to think of her again. Of our past, of what had happened, of who we were back then. Of who we grew to be, and how we had grown apart as lovers, and closer as friends.

I walked back to the living room, in a sort of daze, my mind once more ebbing back to the past, the past she swore with me to never bring up. The one we had tossed to the side, the one we ignored, acting as if it wasn't there.

But it didn't hurt to remember, did it? No. It didn't.

So I remembered.

I looked at the abandoned mug Jade had left behind. He hadn't even finished it. The cup was half-full, the contents appearing so dark and bitter. I gazed into it, out of curiosity.

Oh.

I could see my own reflection.

* * *

"I've already talked with father. He was bit reluctant, but…he said it was fine. I have three days to prepare the speech."

I widened my eyes in mild surprise. A sudden image of Natalia trying her best to persuade his majesty, just as she persuaded the officials she talked to day after day, his highness looking absolutely worried came to mind. I felt a sudden connection with King Ingobert. I was worried about Natalia, too, who was going to a land far away, to a war we were struggling in. Not all by herself, but not with loved ones either.

All in the name of her country, the one she so loved.

I'm sure this is how he felt as well, worried, but given no choice but to give in. Natalia was headstrong, outgoing, and would never falter if it meant to contribute something to Kimlasca, even a bit.

So all we could do was trust her instincts, her intuition, her ability to take care of herself, and only wish for the best. The man who raised her and the one who loved her.

"I see." I answered, and smiled. "So, what do I do?"

She looked to me. We were walking through the castle, to the library, where she planned to write her piece. She smiled. "Help me. As said before, I'm not a very talented writer, and I need all the criticism I can get."

"You want me to criticize you?"

"Constructively, yes. I want to reach out to these people, Guy. I want to inspire them, I want them to be proud of what they're doing, and I want them to have no regrets when they come home. I want them to see Kimlasca as I see it. With love."

I raised my eyebrows. "That's poetic."

She blushed, and looked forward again. "M-My apologies…" She muttered, her voice dropping at the end. I shook my head.

"N-No, that was meant as a compliment! If you write like that, you'll be sure to impress them!"

"…Perhaps…"

I felt my heart lift. She was cute when she was embarrassed. Seeing her like this? Yeah, this was enough for my love-hungry heart. I never asked for too much back then. I was just content on noticing her, at being near her, and being able to love her from a far. It was easier and safer this way, and besides, I didn't want anything else. Just this. This sort of happiness, this sort of love, this sort of satisfaction. These small little moments with her, of just simple conversation and tiny 'warmth right in the middle of your heart' feelings. These. I could live like this forever.

"Is this alright?"

"Hm?"

We climbed up the stairs to the second floor where the library waited for us. She was in the lead, and looked over her shoulder to me. It was a bit awkward to talk, seeing as it was a winding staircase.

"For you to assist me, I mean. What of your duties at House Fabre?"

"It's fine," I reassured her, "With what you told Ramdas, he allowed me a few days off. Luke just has to do without a personal attendant at the moment."

She stopped for awhile, causing me to stop as well. She just stood there, above me, looking down. She really looked like a princess there, all tall and beautiful like. She looked uncertain however. It worried me.

"Are you alright, Prin- I mean, Natalia?"

I could see the corners of her mouth twitch, a need to smile present. She liked it when I said her real name, though for whatever reason I didn't know. She always smiled, her face brightening up just a bit more. I'd get used to it quickly, calling her by 'Natalia' if I ever liked seeing those lovely smiles of her's.

Which I did. Immensely.

"I'm quite alright, Guy, thank you, but-" She began, then stopped abruptly. I tilted my head to the side a bit.

"What is it? Something bothering you?"

"Are you really alright with this? What I mean to say is, are you completely comfortable with all of this?"

It was hard to say what she was trying to ask with that tone. It was hard to read. She sounded worried, generally worried, but…desperate, too. Like, she didn't want any chance of me leaving to even exist. This made my heart leap in hope, but I soon hushed it down.

We were quite content with just standing at the side, and admiring her from a far. To ask for more would be selfish.

I smiled at her what I hoped was a warm smile.

"More than you could know."

I saw her cheeks grow red, her eyes widen in shock. I was caught off guard by her reaction.

"R-Right! I-I…I see then! Well, then, let's hurry shall we?" She stammered, turned her back quickly, and stormed up the stairs. I was confused. Why was she so shy? I was just saying what came to mind…

I caught up to her, and I found her waiting for me on top of the stairs. Even after running from me in a fluster, she still waited for me to catch up, to come back to her. She wanted me by her side, to stay there where she knew she could find me. I didn't notice it yet, her feelings, her love. I just shrugged it off as strange behavior. Yes, I had thought she loved me before, but I told myself it was just hopeful wishing. She didn't love me; I just thought she did.

How wrong I was.

She held her hand out to me.

"Let's go, Guy."

* * *

Let's just say it was hectic. Do I really have to explain? Ah, these sorts of memories…are scary. And cute, at the same time.

If that's even possible.

It started out normally of course. She sat down, paper and pencil in front of her. We brainstormed for a while. She wanted the first few sentences to catch their attention. That took a while, her shooting down everything that didn't 'just feel right'. When she had the right 'inspiration' she began writing at an intense speed, asking me to come over and see if this sounded good enough or if this was a bit too much exaggeration. I answered truthfully, as per her request. She took some time adapting to the constructive criticism, but she began to not let it get to her.

It seemed pretty simple right? Not that big of a deal, nothing that special happening here. However, Natalia was working hard, showing no sign of stopping. She didn't leave that library, not even for meals. I was sure as hell was going to keep her company, going to make sure she kept herself in mind first. Her health was important to me, her country was the only thing she cared about at that time, and well…staying in a room for three days with someone you loved, something was bound to happen, right?

…Make that several 'something's.

"Guy, fetch me that thesaurus, would you?"

I looked up from the book I was skimming over. She didn't actually have me do a lot then be her editor. I smiled and nodded, happy to be put to use.

"Sure."

I looked up the bookshelf. It was taller than me. I looked around for a stepping stool, found one, and brought it to there.

"Oh, and the dictionary as well, if you could?"

I looked back to her. She hadn't even turned to look at me, still hunched over that paper, pencil _skritch-skratching_ as it wrote. Had she even said that? The words left no trace, no evidence to show they had even been there. It made me doubt myself for awhile. She hadn't yet changed in position since she had started, either…

Then, she lifted her head, and turned back to me.

"Something the matter?" She asked, innocently. I shook my head. She looked so hard at work there; it was…well just a bit cute. Like she didn't need the world, and all that she wanted to be with was those words she wrote. When she was determined in that sort of way…it was cute. I smiled at her.

"You just seem…focused is all."

"Is there something wrong with that?"

"No, not at all! It's just…" I looked to the side. What was I saying? I knew right then what I was about to say, this wasn't one of my 'slip-up' flirts. No, this was genuine, and I knew to put a stop to this compliment before it came out.

"'Just' what? What is it?" She pestered, taking on an annoyed tone. Natalia never liked it when other's kept secrets, especially not one as low a servant as me.

I looked her straight in the eye, and shrugged. "…Adorable is all."

Then, without letting myself see her reaction, I climbed that step stool and grabbed the thesaurus, reaching high for the dictionary. The stool helped a bit, but it wasn't all that sturdy either. And the dictionary was wedged really well between the rest of the books. It would be a pain to get it out without bringing the two other books out with it.

"Thank you!"

It had came out of no where, attacking my blind spot, stabbing me right in the back. I looked to her, shocked, doubting once again if I had really heard that.

"What?!"

Then, I fell. I pulled that dictionary too fast, knocking myself back, as well as a few of those stuck books with it. It was a strange feeling, with nothing holding you down, with just falling and falling then _wham!_ A sudden shock right back into reality. Not to mention some of those books fell on me, a crushing blow to my stomach, collar bone, and whatever else was hit, let's just say it wasn't…well, hell. It wasn't pleasant at all. In fact, it was pretty dang painful.

After all the sharp pain subsided, after my head got to ringing, after I felt the aching in my back, I heard a sharp intake of breath from none other than the princess herself.

She rushed to my side, yelling something along the lines of my name and if I was alright. I can't really remember. It hurt, and after I could feel the ringing in my ears go away, I sat up. She placed a hand on my back, and gave me a worried look, like I had almost died or something.

"Guy, are you alright?! Does it hurt anywhere? Should I heal you?" She shot a million questions at me all at once. I smiled in what I hoped was a reassuring smile.

"I'm fine, Natalia, really. I'm fine." I laughed nervously, and tried to stand up, so as to ease her fears. I felt pain run up my spine, right to my head, and held it in reflex, muttering a few 'ow's afterwards.

Then, after the pain I felt her lips right on my forehead, her hands on my shoulders. I don't think you could've found anyone more surprised, or happy, right then and there.

"N-Natalia…?" I whispered in confusion, soon feeling myself crushed against her chest as she held me.

"I'm so sorry, Guy. I shouldn't have surprised you in such a manner…I'm sorry…" She muttered into my hair. I could only remain stunned, and mortified. What could a person do in a situation like that?

"I-It's…It's okay. Yeah…" I muttered, and patted her on the back, awkwardly I might add. I could feel the heat crawling to my neckline.

I'm pretty sure you couldn't have found someone as embarrassed as I was right then and there, either.

She pulled away, looking very embarrassed. Back then I thought she was blushing because she was ashamed of her actions. I was wrong, of course, but I didn't know that.

She brushed the hair from my face and cooed "Are you alright, Guy? Do you want me to get you some ice?"

I shook my head quickly, still feeling my heart beat rapidly. I swallowed. "No, I'll be fine, princess."

I wasn't used to having her fuss over me so much, or being fussed over that much in general. When was the last time this sort of reaction came? When I was still 'Master Gailardia' to others? Nonetheless, this made me more uncomfortable then thankful. Well, okay. I was thankful, but to an extent.

She searched my face for awhile, keeping her hand on the side of my head longer than she should have. I suddenly noticed then that Natalia, after finding out I wasn't afraid of her touch, took every chance to do the aforementioned. I was confused why, or maybe I was too flustered to think about it then, but I found out later. Much later.

"…If you say so." She sighed, and let her hand fall, breaking off the contact. I gulped, gathered the books, and stood up, her standing up as well. We just sorta stood there, me looking down at her, her gaze never leaving mine. I was the first to back down, the first to look away.

"…What did you mean by 'thank you'?" I asked, deciding to change the subject.

"…For…complimenting me. When you said I was…adorable…"

I looked down to her and smiled, in spite of me and my bashful nature. "You're very welcome."

She smiled shyly, and looked down. Ah, how beautiful she looked then…

Then, she held out her hand, suddenly breaking off the mood.

"My books, if you would. The ones I requested."

"O-Oh! Right, these…" I stammered, quickly handing them to her. She nodded as she saw them, and returned her gaze to me. She didn't look like that shy, timid girl anymore, but a princess who had more important things to do.

"Reshelf those, would you? You may inquire one of the maids for a sturdier step-ladder." She ordered, and walked back to her desk, sitting down, once again turning the world down so she could work, alone with those words she wrote. I stared at her for awhile, and then smiled to myself.

Yeah, admiring her from a far? It wasn't so bad. Having her hug me?

Well, that was just plain wonderful.

I liked this feeling in my heart, this feeling of love, of soft warmth, and just simple good feelings. I liked being in love. It was…relaxing. Uplifting. To think about this person, to admire them…was a different sort of happiness that couldn't be classified by anything else, but…as love, and only love.

"As you wish."

She didn't respond. She was lost in her own little world, with me, the outside looking in.

* * *

"Guy, can you acquire more paper for me?"

I looked up at her once more, and nodded. "Alright."

When I had gotten back from the store, I found her skimming through the dictionary. I looked at her skeptically.

"You read the dictionary?"

She jumped, and looked to me with widened eyes. Had she not heard me come in? Her face soon became calm, and she shook her head.

"Of course I don't. I just…You were taking quiet a bit of time was all." She waved it away, and held out her hand for the bundle of paper, which I readily handed over. I leaned against the desk, and looked at the stack of paper she had already gone through, and the crumpled up wads she threw behind her back when she found it too stupid, and a wasted gathering of words. I set to picking them up, and decided to strike up a conversation. I figured she'd need a break from all those words keeping her company.

"So," I began, "how's it going?"

She sighed, and flipped through a book in a sort of distracted matter. "I'm trying my best with it. I just…I'm worried I won't reach out to them correctly."

"There's a right way to do it?"

"Yes! I mean it's like…" She trailed off, and frowned. "…Well, it's hard to explain. To answer your question simply, it's fine. I'm fine."

I placed the crumpled up paper in the trash bin, and leaned against the table again. "You want to take a break?" I offered, hearing her tired tone. She hadn't stopped writing since the incident with the books, and I thought she very well deserved one.

However, she would have none of that.

"No, I'm alright. I can hold out a little while longer." She shook her head, and yawned.

"Are you sure? You shouldn't push yourself."

"I'm quite sure."

And without thinking, without really caring either, I brushed some hair out of her face, behind her ear. She froze, and quickly turned her head to me.

"Guy, what in the world-?!"

"Rest, for me at least? Please?"

A few seconds past, the shame in my actions ignored. She looked to the side, defeated, and sighed.

"F-Fine. If it would make you so happy…I suppose it won't be a problem."

I smiled, and patted her on the head. She glared at me.

"Guy, stop that. It makes me feel like a dog. And don't you dare touch me so casually either! It's-!" She scolded me, her tone either offended or mortified, I wasn't quite sure. She didn't want to look at me either, seeing as she was only staring straight ahead.

"Alright." I shrugged, cutting her off, and lifted my hand away from her, dropping it to my side. She looked to me in somewhat surprise, and I only smiled at her, sheepishly.

I wondered if I had gone too far. If I had been too offensive. Sure, she didn't want me to think of her as a princess, but as a friend, but was that a bit too much? I mean, I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable…

"…I'll go get you some tea." I spoke slowly, and stood up, deciding it for the better to distance myself. I didn't want to scare her after all.

"Wait!"

I turned to her, seeing her eyes full of…fear? Of me leaving her? Nah, that was just my mind playing tricks on me. Right?

"What is it? You want something else? Hungry, too?" I assumed. She shook her head, and looked to the side. Avoiding my eyes? Why? She was acting so strange…

"…Ask one of the maids to bring us tea and snacks. You needn't trouble yourself with…such labor. You are my guest." She more so ordered than reassured. I stared at her for awhile, once again taken off guard as I would be so much these three days.

"No, it's fine. I don't want to trouble anyone. If you excuse me-"

"Then, I will." She huffed, or snapped, either way the tone she used was what one would use when offended. I watched her get up, and walk past me.

"N-Natalia-?"

She turned to me, her hand already on the knob. She pursed her lips, and waved her hand at the table.

"Guy, sit."

_I_ felt like the dog then. She didn't let me protest, and closed that door behind her. I stood there dumbly, and sighed. What was wrong with her? She was acting so strange, it was…well, worrisome. It bothered me. Natalia never acted like this, it just…wasn't like her. Was it all the stress?

_Yeah, _I reassured myself, _it's probably that. After taking a break, she'll be fine._ I shrugged. She'd be fine. I'd be fine.

Everything was fine, just fine.

She came back, a moment later, opening the doors with a flourish, her heels click-clacking on the floor. I was sitting at the table, arms crossed, and just taking in the scenery. I smiled at her appearance.

"It is going to be prepared immediately." She informed me, taking her previous seat, right beside me. "And Guy, please do at least accept my hospitality." She sighed, and turned her head to me, generally looking tired.

"…You wear a headband now?"

It took her awhile to realize what in the world I was talking about, and reached on her head, feeling for it. She looked to the side, and dropped her hand.

"O-Of course I do…What a strange question…" She mumbled. I sat up, my hands lazily gripping the sides of the seat.

"I just sorta noticed it is all. You never wore one before." I shrugged, nonchalant like. She furrowed her brows at me, in confusion.

"_You're _the one who suggested the idea."

"I did?"

"You don't recall?" She asked me rhetorically, waving a hand at the library. "It was here when it occurred."

"Sorry…not remembering a thing."

"Well, that's understandable. It was…five years ago when you had?"

"You remember that?"

Then, once again, hitting me in my blind spot, never seeing it coming, she blushed, and looked away from me. She had been doing a lot of that lately, just making me more and more confused by the second. I tried to ease her, by lightening up the subject.

"I mean, I'm not trying to embarrass you!" I laughed, "It just looked good is all."

Then, she glared at me, giving me a completely different reaction then what I had expected.

"I was not embarrassed." She huffed, and crossed her arms. I shrugged.

"If you say so."

"Do you doubt me?"

I began to say something in return, until the doors opened, a maid entering with a tray of tea, kettle and all, and scones. She placed it down, the tray, Natalia not even turning her head to her, acting as if she wasn't there.

The maid caught my eye and looked at me, smiling a timid smile. I smiled back. I knew her. She was…Ellen, I think? Yeah, she was the one who also had 'sort of' love for fonmachinery. She was more so interested in reading, but it was still nice to hold a conversation with her. A lot of the maids I knew back then, while not chasing me down, were actually pretty nice girls.

She blushed at my response, filled our teacups, and waved a small farewell as she scurried off. I waved back, and turned back to Natalia. She looked angry.

"…Flirting with my staff, Guy?" She asked icily. I shook my head, the embarrassment getting the best of me.

"N-No of course I wasn't! I was just being nice, is all!" I defended myself, confused by all the change in Natalia, at how she seemed more angry, and more flustered then the usual in-control Natalia I knew and loved.

She took a sip of her tea, soon adding sugar.

"…Mm."

It was a monotone response. A short, abridged way of saying 'Oh, is that so?' or 'You don't say'. She was either angry at me, or bored. I was getting a vibe that the first one was probably it. I bit my lower lip, and waited for her to finish her sip.

"…Did I do something wrong? Why are you so…angry?" I asked cautiously, and then it struck me. Was she…jealous? And for a third time, on just the first day alone, it hit me from behind, never seeing it coming, never able to guard myself or brace myself for it.

…Was Natalia in love with me?

I didn't deny the fact. It was very well possible she thought of me as more than just a friend, that maybe she had a crush on me, that maybe she found me attractive. It wouldn't be the first time I had unintentionally had a female friend fall for me. I knew Natalia was not a lady to me, but a woman now.

It goes without saying though, that I wouldn't pursue a relationship with her. Definitely not. I don't think she would either.

And maybe I was jumping to conclusion again. Maybe she was just stressed and I was the only thing to take her anger out on. And, who knows, maybe she _was_ madly in love with me.

…I'd just have to see. I couldn't say right now, without some evidence. I had to see more signs of her falling for me, to really come to that conclusion. Until then…I'd just sit back, and watch her, observe her, and admire her, as I've always done.

Why?

Well, I wanted to make sure. I promised myself she was hands off, and for that promise to stay intact, I had to avoid getting closer. Having her be in love with me, only brought me closer, and now, I had to distance myself.

_No more touching,_ I decided. I couldn't stop my charming words, because that just sort of came naturally. I couldn't refuse to help her, because that would be too cruel. And being friends with her could be kept, as long as I didn't hint at anything else.

So, I decided on this.

That was where it all started, anyway. When I had touched her casually, a simple embrace that just screamed 'more than friends' behavior. After that…was when I fell for her, was when she began to act strangely. With each touch, with each simple contact of skin, she acted more different, more flustered, more emotional. I was bringing her toward me, closer and closer, unknowingly, or maybe knowingly, who could say?

So, I forbade myself to. No more hugs or simple squeezes of the arm, or a brushing of hair, nothing at all. If I wanted to stay 'just friends' with her, I'd have to walk backwards. Retrace my steps, rewind back to how it had been. I wouldn't push our boundaries, or sprint over the line between love and friendship. I'd run back into our comfort zone, and be quite content with her care. Not her love. Never her love.

"I'm sorry. I won't flirt with anyone else. And I'll be sure to do as you ask." I apologized to her, before she could say anything. Her face portrayed confusion, surprise, and…flattery? Yeah, probably that too. I smiled at her and grabbed my own teacup. I glanced to her.

"Is that alright?"

I tried to act nonchalant about it, like her annoyance with me was just something that would be gone by the next day. And, who knows, it might've been. The tea tasted warm as it went down, as I waited for her response. I heard some birds chirping somewhere outside, then "Y-Yes, that's quite fine…"

I looked up to her. She looked bemused, like she wasn't sure what to say, like I was an actor who had just spoken out of my character. A sort of feeling that you weren't expecting this sort reaction, like someone was playing a prank on you. The tea clinked as it met my saucer, and I nodded.

"Alright then."

So, I watched her reactions, and carried myself cautiously, making sure to not lead her on. To not anger her, and to avoid tempting her. This was how it was, this was how it should be, I told myself. Watch her from a far, but don't hint at anything. It's better this way. Be careful. Who knows, maybe she'll fall out of love when you only show signs of 'Only friendship'.

I never knew, though. She didn't want to let those feelings go.

She wanted _me_.

* * *

I went back to the manor that night. One day behind me, the next looming after me like a ghost, with the thought of tomorrow. I slept restlessly, and woke up grudgingly. Of course, I wasn't without a nice good morning from my best friend and master.

"I hate this."

I looked to him over my mug of coffee, and brought it down from my lips. "Excuse me?"

Luke crossed his arms, and leaned against the doorway to the kitchen. I was only treating myself to coffee, no time for breakfast, but a gift of extra milk this time for my morning nectar.

I looked him over. He was still wearing his pajamas, his hair messy, the buttons of his shirt stopping right above his stomach. He looked at me angrily and annoyed, like the mere fact that I was up was an offense in itself.

"I hate it. All of this. Why do you have to be Natalia's servant now?" He asked me, with a tone like it was my entire fault that it was like this. I smiled sheepishly at him.

"First off," I began, setting the mug down on the counter, "I'm not her servant. I'm just helping her with her speech. Second, why do you hate it, Luke? Do you miss me?" I asked, gently, trying to calm down his anger. I had discussed it with Luke…in a way. He had gotten angry with the thought of me leaving him for three days, and he took it to his father, demanding that I stay here. Of course, the Duke thought Luke's argument was childish, and waved it away. It was a sour loss, and he only stormed out of the drawing room, sending me a glare on his way out, a nice slam of the door as an extra present.

I hadn't seen him since. I thought I should let him vent for awhile, let him get used to the idea, before I would see him again.

And now, here we were. If the words 'looks could kill' were true, Luke would've struck me down the moment he said those three words.

"It's boring without you! And Master Van's got all that stupid business in Daath, so I've got no one to talk to!" He whined, and blew out an angry puff of air. "I order you to stop going to Natalia. I need you here."

"Luke, you know I can't do that. Besides, I got some days off; it's kinda pointless."

He looked at me as if I had just hit him in the face. Like I had betrayed him. It was soon replaced with his previous annoyance.

"Why are you doing it anyway? Helping her? Why is it so damn important that you help her? Do you like her better than me? Is that it?"

"Luke, of course it isn't!" I felt myself scrambling back to him, to helping him see how I saw it. Luke was just a child in nature, but even he threw a tantrum. I didn't want him angry at me. I wanted him to understand, to accept it with- if not a sympathetic way of it –then at least a grudging way.

"She asked me to help her and as a friend, I thought it'd be nice to-"

"I don't care! You're _my _servant! She doesn't deserve you!"

Then, something snapped within me. Maybe it was because I was so tired, or maybe it was because he had just insulted the girl I loved. Hell, it might've been because the coffee I was drinking was too sweet. But for some reason or another, I was angry.

And there he was, just asking for it.

"Don't be so selfish!" I found myself yelling. "Can't you stop thinking about yourself for a second?!"

Then, silence. His eyes were wide, his eyebrows rose. It was like I had said I wanted to break off all ties with him. Like I had betrayed him, but much worse then before. Like I had called him dirt, or spat at his feet or something.

And, me? Well, I suddenly realized what I had said, guilt drowning me as soon as it hit me. I felt bad, so terrible. I shook my head.

"L-Luke, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"

Then, he glared at me, and looked to the side.

"Fine! See if I care! Just do what you want!" He snapped, and stomped out of that room. I found myself reaching out for him, quickly dropping my hand to my side out of embarrassment. I hugged myself and sighed.

_Nice going, Guy. Nice way to control your anger._ Scolding myself didn't feel any better. I looked to the clock on the wall. I'd have to apologize to Luke later.

Natalia would be expecting me.

* * *

"Honestly, I've yet to find five different ways for the word 'pride'. I know it's fine to use a word more than once, but sparingly. However, wouldn't that bore them? It's harder to write, knowing you have to say this in front of others…"

"Uh-huh…"

"Guy?"

"…"

"Guy? Guy, are you listening?"

"Huh? You say something, Natalia?"

She pouted and crossed her arms. "I've _been_ saying things. _You_ on the contrary, are not paying attention at all." She pointed out, offended. I managed to smile awkwardly.

"S-Sorry. What were you saying? Something about 'it's hard to write'…?"

With that look she gave me, I decided I was most likely wrong.

"Guy, something is bothering you. What is it? Did something happen?"

I looked to the side, then upwards to the ceiling. There were etchings on the ceiling, swirls and patterns, all flourished and dreamy. The castle was beautiful in every place you looked.

Her offer was hard to accept. _Me_, admitting my problems to _her_? Wasn't it usually the other way around? Besides, she would be angry at me. She loved Luke. If she learned I had insulted him…well, I don't think she'd be all that willing to help me. And also, I had to face this on my own. I had to apologize to Luke myself, had to make it up to him. Yes, Luke was spoiled sometimes, had a lot of improving to do as a person, but he was my friend. The boy I had somewhat raised. He was precious to me, and I couldn't just turn my back on him like that. Not even for Natalia.

I shook my head. "No, it's nothing. Don't worry about it." I reassured her, and looked back to the thesaurus. I had been helping her look up a word. 'Pride', I think.

I couldn't see her face, but the tone she gave me was enough.

"You're important to me."

My face went aflame. I snapped my head to her.

"Wh-What?!"

She looked at me, as if what she had said never happened. Like all that escaped those lips was a comment on the weather. That she had pointed out that it was a little cloudy that day, not a statement implying something…more then friendship. Her head tilted to the side a bit, a few strands of hair falling with it.

"Something the matter?"

It took me a while to register what she said, what to do. I processed her question and shook my head. "N-No, but…important?"

I decided to handle this carefully, to watch myself and my steps. She probably…wasn't confessing her love? Yeah. Definitely. She said it for a different reason not to…not to, um, tell me she thought of me than _more_ than a friend.

Yeah. Really.

If that was even possible.

"Correct; and because you're important to me, I want you to tell me what's wrong." She clarified, and crossed her arms, looking at me with serious eyes. This time she wasn't asking, but ordering. And as a servant, what else could I do?

I sighed, and looked to the side. What was the harm? If she wanted to know so badly, why _not_ tell her?

I had a flash of her face, so sad, my teacup in front of me, after telling her what Luke had said, come to mind.

_No,_ I told myself,_ it won't be like that._

"…I just go into a fight with Luke, is all." I explained, being as blunt as I could. The less she knew, was probably the better.

I heard a heavy sigh come from her. "Why was he angry this time?"

I felt my heart lift, a smile tugging at my lips. She knew Luke so well, as much as me, and that was all you had to ask. He was predictable, and all you needed to know what had set him off. Everything else came naturally. If he was sad, and if you knew him well enough, how to cheer him up came naturally. A simple pat on the back, a small string of words that connected to the subject, and then a reward of a smile, no 'thank you', but it was good enough for me.

A flash of his face, looking so betrayed came back to mind. The guilt flooded my heart. I wanted to tell him sorry, to make it up to him, but how?

"He didn't like how I was spending time with you, and not him." I told her, absentmindedly, my mind still thinking of how to properly apologize to Luke.

I couldn't see her reaction, only hearing her words, my line of vision staring somewhere else. She took a while to answer, and then I heard her pencil _skritch-skratching _the paper once again. Was she letting to conversation go? And why…?

"Don't worry too much about it." She finally said, catching my attention. "Luke is just too spoiled; he'll soon forget it, and move on."

I turned back to her, and crossed my legs, in an ankle on knee sort of way. I balanced the book on my lap, and turned the pages to just do something.

"You admit he's spoiled?" I noticed and looked up to her. "Isn't he your fiancé?"

"Fiancé or not, he still is the heir to the throne, and because of that I expect him to act as such."

"You expect a lot out of him."

"Any reason I shouldn't?"

At this, she glanced to me, her face serious. I felt the air in the room get grim; this conversation was going to get deep.

"Well, most women bear with the men they love. It's rare they'll change them."

"He's going to be king and be in charge of my country; I expect a lot out of him for this."

"You really love Kimlasca, don't you?"

She looked at me surprise, like I had just admitted I didn't know what the Score was.

"Of course, I do." She nodded, and frowned. "Any reason I shouldn't?" She asked me again, vaguely reminding me of a parrot. It was cute, in a sort of way. Like more of an endearing quirk, than an annoying habit.

"Not really," I shrugged and smiled, "But why?"

"Pardon?"

"Why do you like it so much?"

"I think it would go without saying, Guy."

"I know, but I want to hear _your_ side of it. Just because you're the princess shouldn't be the only reason. Isn't there more?"

She looked away from me, back to the paper, and began to write more. It was these sort of pauses that made me feel uncomfortable, like she was going to drop the subject, or she might not, I wasn't sure. I waited for her reply, my hand lying on the page in the thesaurus. I looked down to it, scanning the synonyms for 'lost'.

"In this land," She piped up, catching my attention once more, my head lifting up to see her, "I have been raised, have had the pleasure of having a home here, and I have the most honorable people to look after me. With all the privileges I have been blessed with… I have to repay this country somehow, don't I?"

She looked to me, her face looking so sincere, so free. It was times like these that reminded me why I loved Natalia. So devoted, so uplifting. She looked so delicate, but she held herself well, holding pride and confidence in that small frame of her's. It was inspiring, it was…beautiful.

"Makes sense." I agreed, and nodded slowly. She smiled at me, like she had just enlightened me on the subject of the Score I hadn't known.

"Do you feel the same way?"

"Excuse me?"

"Do you feel the same way about Kimlasca, Guy?"

This question caught me off guard. I had never really thought about it. The whole reason I came here was because of revenge, was because of what had happened at Hod. I was originally a Malkuth nobleman, a Kimlascan duke having killed my family. Naturally I would hate it, right?

But having grown to care for Luke, and having fallen in love with their princess…I didn't. The people I knew here, their industrialization…I loved it all. I wasn't sure about having pride in the country itself, but…I liked living here.

I wasn't sure how to put that into words, and opted for a more simple answer that still spoke the same message.

"Of course, but not as much as you."

"Are you teasing me?"

I widened my eyes in surprise, and shook my head. "Of course not! I…I didn't mean to say it like that."

"Then explain."

She looked across the table to me, I having been sitting in the seat opposite of her. Her lips were pursed. I knew I'd have to word this right; she didn't like being offended.

"Well," I began slowly, finally deciding what to say, "I'm not as devoted as you are. And don't get me wrong!" I quickly added, "The sort of love you have…is inspiring."

Was that a tinge of red on her cheeks? Why was she avoiding my eyes?

"I-Inspiring?"

"Yup."

"…You consider me inspiring?"

"Of course."

"…Th-Thank you."

I soon caught myself. I was flirting with her again. Bad. Really bad. I decided to cut off the conversation then, and began to point out she should get back to work, until she cut me off.

"To hear that from you is an honor."

I widened my eyes in shock, a chill resounding through my body. I smiled shyly.

"R-Really? But I'm just a servant…" I laughed nervously, and scratched the back of my head. She really thought of me like that? Me? I was…humbled, to say the least.

"It doesn't matter; I…respect you, Guy."

I examined her face, her pose. She was looking to the side, her face red. She had her head leaning against her palm, her elbow sitting on the table. She was shy. I felt something take over me, this urge to say something else to her, to make her more in love with me, to leave her breathless. I wanted my words to reach into her, to touch her heart, to make her look at me with a different light. It was wrong, completely and utterly wrong for me to want that, but I allowed myself this guilty pleasure, even once.

"Respect me?" I asked, with a low voice, leaning against the table, closer to her. "Why's that? What's to respect?"

She looked to me, then away again. Her hands met, and she began to fiddle with them.

"W-Well…you're a gentleman."

"I am?"

"Yes…you're kind, and…and handsome…"

"What was that last part?"

She shook her head, flustered and embarrassed. "It's nothing! Just…I should really get back to work."

Then, she picked up her pencil, face red, eyes focused all on the paper once more. I was teasing her. I knew myself. It was bad and forbidden and just plain rude for me to do that, but…I didn't care. I wanted to. I wanted to flirt with her. I swore I wouldn't but…

…It didn't really count, right? I mean, I told myself I wouldn't touch her, and I wasn't. Flirting didn't count, right?

_No,_ I scolded myself,_ it does. _

I sighed inwardly, and leaned back in my seat. I stopped in my pursuit. It was wrong, and I wouldn't do it. Even if it felt good, even if the forbidden fruit tasted wonderful, I wouldn't. It was wrong, and I was leading her on, and it was just plain selfish.

I looked back up to her. That little world of her's was all she knew now. Not me, or my sweet-talking, but just those words, just her country. Yeah, this was better. Watching from afar, than pursuing her. It was safer this way.

She was off-limits, and it would stay that way.

* * *

…Except, Natalia took to flirting quite well. Before I knew it, when I had turned my back on the hunt, I had become the prey.

"…Guy?"

"Mm?"

"Give me a massage, would you?"

_Slam!_ My book fell to the ground, my eyes widening, my cheeks heating. It was a trick of the mind, right? She hadn't said that…nope! Not Natalia! I was just hearing things! Yeah, that's it! The fact that she was staring at me intensely had nothing to do with it!

…Yeah, right. If that was even possible.

"Wh-What?" I managed to respond, my voice weak. Suddenly, she motioned me over.

"A shoulder massage. Would you please?"

It all seemed so surreal. Natalia? The no-nonsense Natalia who was shy and humble and very proper? Who knew she was engaged, and didn't take needless touching kindly?

Yeah, her? She never asked for this sort of thing. Never. I didn't know who this was, but it sure as hell wasn't who she was.

"Me? But…princess, I…I'm not that good at that sort of thing, really!" I gave an excuse, laughing nervously afterwards. Was someone playing a prank on me? It seemed like it. And also, was this really happening? I mean it was so…I don't know, close. Intimate. It was…mortifying.

I threw in that princess bit to remind her that I was just a common servant to her, and nothing else. And I lied. I was sort of good at it, I guess. I mean, when Luke finished up training with Van he usually came to me, telling me his muscles felt sore. I grew to know how to do it, not exactly proud of it, but not really keeping it a secret either.

But would I let her know that? Nope.

"It matters not," She shook her head, "I need one. Being hunched over like this isn't exactly good, Guy."

With this, she stretched her arms over her head, her body trembling a bit. I examined her back, the shoulder blades closing in on each other, the milky-cream color of her skin. She was wearing her usual attire, her sea-green dress that lacked sleeves or straps, only starting before her bust. I caught myself examining her body, soon blushing, and shook my head.

"B-But…" I tried to look for an excuse, tried to get my way out of this. It was wrong. Or forbidden. Well, _something_ about it had to be bad.

"Guy," She caught my attention, my eyes drawn to her's. "…please."

I felt my heart lift, a chill run down my spine. Well…she was asking for it. Where was the harm in that?

I gulped, and nodded. "…I guess I can…"

I picked up the book I had been reading, and placed it back on it's shelf, and sauntered over to her. I took off my gloves, laying them on the table beside her. I gulped again.

"S-So, just the shoulders?"

"Yes."

I placed my hands on them, my skin against hers. Her skin felt warm, felt smooth and soft. If you had asked me just two weeks ago, I don't think I'd believe that any of this would happen.

But here I was, massaging her, my hands working her skin. It was all so unreal, it was like a dream. Like a forbidden dream.

Except this wasn't a dream, and it was totally wrong. Completely wrong.

I heard a soft 'Mmm' come from her. I could feel my body stiffen, the blush creep toward my neck. Yeah, this was wrong. If it wasn't, I don't know what wrong is then.

"Guy."

"Y-Yes?" I stuttered, flustered, just mortified by all of this.

"You're gentle."

And the moment just kept getting stranger. That? Yeah, it pretty much sealed the deal.

"G-Gentle?"

She tilted her head back to me, her cheeks pink. I wasn't sure the expression I was making; probably dumb-founded.

"Yes."

It was a whisper, and it sure as hell didn't help how I was feeling.

Before I knew it, I felt that urge tug at me again. To play with her, to tease her, to flirt and make her blush and everything. I denied it though. I couldn't. It was wrong. Completely wrong.

"It's comforting."

She was flirting with me too, wasn't she? Didn't she know, though? It was wrong. All wrong and forbidden and…

…nice. Having Natalia call me comforting, to know that I made her feel relaxed made me feel good. Loved. Honored. To know this about the woman you loved…is nice.

She was tempting me. She wanted me to come with her, wanted me to try out the waters with her. No more 'better safe then sorry'. Let's just jump in, no looking in, just laughing at danger in the face. Swim with me, Guy. If we sink, well, then we would've sunk together. Come on. The water feels nice.

But I couldn't. It was wrong. I refused to. This was forbidden, and bad. I would just stay here, on the cold cliff, thank you very much. I'm quite fine here, just watching you from a far. It's fine. It's cold…but it's fine.

"Um…th-thank you…" I smiled, unsure of what else to say, only saying it to be polite. She smiled back, a coy smile.

"You're very good with your hands."

And that was it. Bang. Done. With that one line, that certain tone she used, that subtle smile of her's was what sealed the deal. She was too tempting, the offer too good to past up. I finally just caved in, and ran in, jumping in, splashing water everywhere.

"You think so?" I smiled, and let a hand travel to her collar bone, feeling the stiffness of the bone bellow her skin. The skin felt smooth, warm under my fingers. "I'm glad to hear that."

I saw her cheeks turn red, a slight look of surprise flash through her eyes. It suddenly disappeared; she was trying to keep her cool. How cute.

"Your skin feels soft…"

"Does it? I try to take care of myself well…"

"It shows."

And we were off. Swimming together, offering each other reassuring smiles. We came up for air, laughing, shaking water from our hair, and it all felt so right. Like this was how it was supposed to be. It was okay. No, it wasn't wrong. It felt too good. I wouldn't let myself feel ashamed, wouldn't let myself stop. It felt too good; the forbidden fruit was so delicious, so of course I wouldn't stop. I didn't care anymore. I didn't _want_ to care. I just wanted her. Only her.

She was right. The water felt nice.

* * *

I've never seen Natalia asleep.

Not that there was a chance for me to see her like that. I mean, when she was running around getting those errands done, there was never a reason for me to see her take nap. Or any other times I saw her, it was during the day. Normal, right?

All of this occurred to me when I saw her like that. Hunched over, her arms being her pillow, her head lying on the side. Her eyes were closed, the sun already having set behind her. The sky was growing darker, and I only looked at her, examining her from where I stood. I had left for a snack, coming back to see this. She had been pretty tired when I had left, passing up the offer of having something, telling me to ask the cook for anything I craved. I opted for just an apple, the polished fruit still in my hand. I brought it up to my mouth, taking another crisp bite from it, chewing mindlessly and walked toward her. I didn't touch her, didn't call out her name, only looked her over, seeing the shadows cast upon her, the colors that brought together the image of her.

This was new for me. I never really thought of the idea of Natalia sleeping; it just never came. I mean, it was like wondering what sort of baby your mother was or whether your neighbor preferred vanilla or chocolate ice-cream. It had happened, it wasn't unreal, but it wasn't really that important. I knew that she went to bed every night (she'd had to; she was human) but I never really thought how she looked.

I leaned against the table, swallowing, then taking another bite, the _crunch_ resounding through the room. Suddenly my chewing was the only sound in the room. It was a little awkward.

I leaned down, eye-level to her, and examined her sleeping face. Her hair had fallen across her face a bit, her eyelashes long, her whole image just peaceful. She looked so simple there, so basic. Like the whole glamor of her as a princess was gone, and she could sleep too, just like everyone else. Even if she held a higher position then others, even if she was heir to the throne, at night she was still a person, and had to go to bed, too.

It was peaceful in a way. Very soothing, very comforting.

I found myself following the lines of her features, her closed eyelids, her nose, then to the curve of her lips…

Her lips. I felt my heart beat faster. A kiss. Would it be wrong? I mean, she was asleep and everything…she wouldn't know…

_No!_ I shook my head, pulling away from her._ It's still wrong! I mean, that's…_

But I've already been going so far. I've already led her on, have touched her, broken every rule I set down for myself. I've already gone this far…what was just one more rule broken, right? It wouldn't hurt.

No. It would.

But I didn't care.

I placed the apple on the table. It wasn't balanced, and it fell on its side, rolling slightly, leaning against a forgotten book. I didn't notice this, didn't care, didn't care about any of this. There was nothing to worry about, there was no world outside those doors. I wasn't a servant, she wasn't a princess, we weren't anywhere special. All I knew was my heartbeat in my ears, the moon lighting up her face, the fact that I loved her. All I knew was this, and it was all I wanted to know as I inched toward her, hand supporting me on the table, eyes closing, the warmth of her face so close…

Then, it happened.

"Ah!"

_Bam! _Right on the nose.

I didn't know what happened for awhile, as I drew back, my hands flying to my nose, a pulsing in it.

"Ow, ow…!" I muttered, and looked to her. Her head was suddenly up again, her back straightened, her face confused. Natalia quickly looked down to her paper, and began to write something down, before it left her. I'm still not sure what it was, but apparently it was important.

"There!" She cheered, "Got it."

She smiled to herself, and leaned back in the chair, soon covering her mouth, and yawned.

"N…Natalia…?"

It was like I had just snuck up behind her and yelled 'Boo!' Her hand flew to her chest, and her face became bewildered. She soon calmed herself seeing it was me, and sighed.

"Oh, Guy…Are you alright?"

I noticed my hands were still on my nose, and finally registered everything that had happened. Natalia had gotten up too quickly, probably not noticing I was there, and hit me square in the nose on accident. I let my hands fall to my side, and smiled what I think was an embarrassed smile.

"Y-Yeah, just fine…were you sleeping?"

I didn't want to admit what I was doing. It was too…well, I just couldn't. I mean, I don't think she'd take to it too kindly…

A blush came on her cheeks, and she looked to the side.

"Ah, I suppose I was half-asleep…How unlady-like to fall asleep in a place like this…"

I chuckled. It was cute when she worried how she appeared, how she fretted about such small things. She glanced to me, and smiled a humble smile. I began to think back to what I had almost done, what I was so close to doing. It all seemed like so long ago, or maybe a dream. Did that really just happen?

A lot of things that had been happening recently were hard to believe. Very surreal. Is that how love is? Ah, who's to really say…?

I wanted to though. I knew it was wrong, but I think I pretty much stopped caring. I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to see how she tasted, how her lips would feel against my own. I wanted to take our friendship to a whole new level. I was ready.

…Was she too?

"Guy?"

"Hm?" My mind was suddenly reminded of her, and my previous train of thought stopped, ready to go on when I would think about it again.

"Is something wrong?"

At this, she tilted her head to the side, her eyes wide, her mind curious. I almost told her, was ready to tell her.

"Natalia…"

"Yes?"

I picked up the apple off the table, and stared down at it. I felt the words in my throat, the words I longed to say, right then and there. I wanted to say them, let them affect her, let all these secrets out for them to run free, to have their chance to shine.

"…How about we end it today. You must be pretty tired."

I looked back to her, and she smiled. "Yes, you're right. Thank you for your help again, Guy."

She got up, and I went to gather her papers and the books she had used, cleaning it all up. She stretched, and I looked to her, examining the curves and turns of her body. I wasn't embarrassed this time. I was used to this love in my chest, tugging at my heart ever so slightly at the sight if her. I wanted to be near her, a hunger that wanted to be fed, a need that was too neglected. Was it passion? Lust? I don't know. I'm only human; what can a human really, truly say about love?

The words came back to me, begging to be said, to be let out, to be heard. I wanted to tell her, the tugging at my chest bothering me so much, the need for her too great.

She grabbed the apple from my hand, suddenly, catching me off guard. She smiled at me, and took a bite from it, walking out of the room. I only watched her, stunned, not sure what to make of the moment. She turned and looked back to me, before opening the door.

"Goodnight, Guy."

Then, she was gone, before I realized what had happened.

I looked to my hand, then back to the door. I smiled.

"I love you." I whispered to her, who was already gone.

* * *

I never saw Luke that night. Maybe he was avoiding me; I wouldn't blame him. When I went to his room that night to apologize to him he was already asleep. (Or faking sleep. It looked like that; I decided to not bother him if he didn't want to be.)

That night I dreamt of Natalia, waking up with an intense longing to be with her. I sighed and sat up in my bed. Okay. So maybe this love thing wasn't as simple as I thought it'd be.

Today would be her last day here, before she left. Natalia told me it would be a five-day trip. Five days.

Could I really go that long without telling her? I mean, in only two days, we've already crossed the boundaries of 'friends only'. She's kissed me, we've flirted, and I've touched her intimately…

Hell, if that's not 'more then friends' behavior, I don't know what is.

So, why not? She was already going along with this, having flirted with me before…and she loved me. I could tell. It was pretty obvious by now.

So why not be a couple?

…No, I knew why. But I think I pretty much stopped caring. Which was bad, by the way, but I was smitten. Too in love.

Bad? Pretty much.

But I didn't care, only ignored this glaring fact. It was like back when I wanted to kiss her. All there was, was us, a man and a woman in love. To me, that's all I wanted to know, ignoring the rest.

And maybe it was also I was in a 'fight' of sorts with Luke (which was one-sided) that made me forget she was my best friend's fiancé. And maybe it was because I could call her by her first name, and I was closer to her than most servants that I decided to forget this fact. Forget that it was forbidden, that it was wrong, and that I shouldn't be so close to her like this.

I forgot. Didn't care. Hungered for her.

So, I decided then: I would tell her today. No flaking out, no chickening out. I would do it today. I didn't know when, but I would. Not immediately, but when the time was right.

Yeah. Right. When I thought it was an appropriate time, when it all seemed to come together. It was probably a gamble, but I felt lucky. I was going to tell her when it was right.

I would tell her today; there was no doubt in my mind.

* * *

"You don't think that sounds too…oh, I don't know…egocentric?"

"Well, this is supposed to encourage them, right? I think it's allowed."

"No, no! I don't wish to boast! I want to…"

"…Boast."

"Guy, you're not helping in anyway."

I laughed. "Sorry, princess."

She looked at me, and sighed, holding her hand out for the rough draft. I handed it over.

"Please act seriously about this, Guy. I'm having enough trouble with worrying about the trip tomorrow as it is…"

"So you're leaving immediately?"

"Yes; at seven in the morning, approximately."

She began shuffling through the papers, red pen in hand, as she struck out mistakes. It was done, and I had read it, offering my opinion. It was actually pretty good, compared to past speeches done by previous monarchs.

But Natalia wouldn't accept that. There was always 'something wrong' with it, no matter what I said. So, I could only smile good-naturedly and offer what compliments were accepted. I knew Natalia, and I knew how she worked. She was always worrying about something, and if she wasn't, then something had to be wrong with that.

"Ah!"

I was pulled out of my train of thought, and looked to her. She was looking down at her hand, a grimace on her face. It took me awhile to notice it, but I soon caught on seeing the sharp contrast of the red blood oozing from her finger.

"Paper cut." She informed me, as if it needed explanation. I nodded anyway, and motioned her.

"Let me see,"

She placed her hand in mine, and I looked at the finger. What had Van said, back in Hod?

_It's more convenient to lick an injury, Master Gailardia. It seals the wound faster. That's why I do this every time I get cut._

So I tasted iron soon after, her skin rough on my tongue. I could feel her hand stiffen at the contact. Was this too intimate? Should I tell her now?

As rude as it was, this was all I was thinking about. Not if I was making her feel uncomfortable, or if this was going too far, but if now was the right time.

I know: Wrong. Bad example. Don't follow in my footsteps okay, kids?

I drew away, and looked at her through half-lidded eyes. Her face was red, her expression stunned. It was like I had just asked her to marry me right there. She jerked her hand back, and held it close to her chest, like my touch was dirty. I felt a pang in my heart, a hurt and ache. Why was she looking at me like that? Like I was someone to fear, to stay away from? What did I do?

Her head turned away from me, as she cradled her hand. I heard her gulp, then "G-Guy…"

"Yes?"

"…You're dismissed."

Like an arrow through the heart.

"E-Excuse me…?"

"You're dismissed. I don't think I'll be needing your services any longer…You shall return to the Fabre manor now. Thank…Thank you for everything."

I couldn't believe it. This was surreal too, but not a good dream-like surreal. Like a nightmare. Like my world was all crashing around me. Or maybe that was just my heart breaking. Probably that.

I messed up. I went too far. I had to fix this, had to consider her, and stop thinking with just myself in mind.

Because that's not how love goes. It's not just you looking out for yourself, but another's heart, another's love. It's a two-person operation, and if you just worry about yourself, then it's just game over.

So, with that in mind, I fixed the problem.

"I'm…I'm sorry, princess."

She didn't turn to me. I needed more, obviously.

"What I did…was rude. Out of hand. As a servant…and as a friend…I shouldn't have offended you like that. I'm…I'm sorry." I apologized, and bowed my head. I felt shame hit me, the shame I had been ignoring. It didn't all come at once, only the shame I felt for this. I loved her. And I would still tell her how I felt, but I didn't want to scare her. I didn't want her to fear or hate me, so I tried my best to get her forgiveness, her trust back.

It was quiet for awhile. My heart was clenched, my legs weak, my mind worried. What would she say? Was she afraid of me? Angry?

"…There is nothing else for you to do."

Her voice had sounded so raw, so sincere, it caught me off guard. Like she didn't have an excuse for me to be there, that she wanted me to be there, but couldn't find a reason for me. It was such a satisfying moment, like after a long while, she was finally agreeing with me to be with her, to be close to her. Indirectly, she was telling me she wanted me with her. That she…liked this. All of this. These moments, this feeling…

Maybe I was thinking too into it. Maybe I wasn't. Maybe I was just too in love.

I gulped. This moment was sensitive; any wrong word could ruin it all. We were really balancing on the edge now, of friendship, what was waiting for us below was love. We were tipping, almost falling, way too afraid of the fall to risk it.

But I was ready. I wanted to risk everything.

"…I could repay you."

"Pardon?"

This time, she turned to me, her face shocked. I smiled sheepishly.

"I need to pay you back for what I did to you. You know; as a way to say sorry."

She looked at me confused, still, not quite catching on, but going with the flow anyway.

"A-Alright…what do you propose?"

"Dessert."

"D…Dessert?"

I nodded, and leaned back on my hands, having been sitting on the table. She had scolded me at first, but soon let it go, more so worried about her speech, then my behavior.

"Yeah; I'll make you a…tart? Yeah, that sounds good."

She furrowed her eyebrows in confusion, like I was suggesting we go to outer space or something. (Which is actually a pretty nice idea, now that I think about it…Well, going to outer space, in general, not _us_ going to…well, I think you get it.)

"Why a tart, if I may ask?"

"Well, yesterday, when I was getting a snack, one of the kitchen-maids told me something very interesting…" I smiled, tilting my head to the side. Her look changed from confused to curious, with a single move of her eyebrows.

"Really? And what would that be?"

"Strawberries."

"Strawberries?"

"She said you liked strawberries, right? And with you being stressed like this," I waved my hand, motioning to all the papers, the books, the pens for emphasis, "why not, right? So how about it: your favorite dessert for forgiveness?"

She bit her lower lip, considering my proposal. I only kept on smiling; when at your worst, you can only expect the best afterwards, right?

"…I suppose it would do no harm. And…it does sound pleasant."

And with that, was on Cloud nine, already rushing to the kitchen. Before that, I patted her on the head, her being stunned at the sudden affection.

"Okay then! One strawberry tart coming right up!"  
And I was gone, Natalia too surprised to say anything, the doors closing behind me. This? Yeah, this was good. Doing something for her, giving her something. If I could make her smile, it was fine.

And with that, with keeping busy, I forgot about the guilt. I guess it was good for the both of us.

* * *

"Maybe we can use fonic artes?"

"You mean the fourth fonon?"

"Yeah, it'd make it go by quicker, right?"

"But we can't use fonic artes."

"Then let's ask one of the fonists!"

I laughed and shook my head, turning the whisk more and more, my arm already feeling tired. I glanced to the recipe. I frowned.

"Lilliun?"

"Yes?"

She turned to me, her bouncy, blonde curls turning with her, her brown eyes sparkling. She was one of the kind kitchen maids who had offered to help me. I didn't turn down their offer of course, seeing as I didn't trust my own baking abilities.

"Are you sure I have to mix it in bowl of ice? Isn't that a bit out there?"

"No, that's to speed up the process. It's that, or placing it in the fridge for about an hour. And since Princess Natalia ordered it, she'd want it real quick…"

I nodded. "I see…"

"Or!" She grinned, a finger pointing to the ceiling, "We could use a fonic arte to cool it even quicker!"

"That," Sophie sighed beside me, "is a really stupid theory."

I looked over to her, inching away a bit, my fear getting the best of me. Sophie was the only maid I knew who wasn't charmed by my accidental words. She shook her head, black ponytail moving with her, her blue eyes showing aloofness. I looked back to Lilliun, her arms crossed, her lower lip stuck out in a pout.

"I think it's creative! Don't you, Guy?" She asked sweetly, her eyelashes fluttering. I smiled what I think was a good-natured smile.

"Well, to each their own, right?" I replied, choosing an easy way to agree. I was never good at choosing sides in an argument, especially when the two opponents were acquaintances of mine.

"That looks about done, Guy." Sophie piped up, changing the subject, motioning to the bowl in my arms. I sighed in relief. Good, my arm would be able to get a pleasant rest…

"Now we need to let it simmer, and mix it while it does that."

Great.

"There's so much stirring for the custard." I sighed, doing as the recipe said, waiting for the flame to flicker on, on the stove. Lilliun, the pastry expert, shrugged.

"It's to give it that smooth texture; I mean, you wouldn't want lumps in your tart, right?" She explained, handing me a wooden spoon, me giving her a small 'thank you'.

"You know a lot about this, don't you?" I asked her, as I concentrated on the task at hand, deciding to strike up a conversation anyhow. I glanced to her, seeing a small smile light up her face.

"Well of course! When I get enough money, I'm going to open up my own bakery. Maybe I'll give you a discount, mm?"

I chuckled, and smiled at her. "I'll look forward to it."

She smiled at me shyly, and looked forward. She would glance back to me every now and then, but never too long.

"Hey, Sophie!" She called, the other, quieter girl, cleaning up what mess I had made when making the crust, "What about you? Are you just gonna be a maid your whole life?"

I didn't look behind me, a long pause between the both of them. There was only the three of us in the castle's kitchen, the time for lunch far off; I'd have enough time, they had assured me. If it was orders from the princess, it was fine for me to be in there, and they would help me while I was at it.

I wouldn't tell them the truth. Couldn't tell them the real reason I was making it. I had to be careful. I couldn't ruin Natalia. Never.

"You mean what I want to be after this?" She finally responded. I could see Lilliun nod from the corner of my eye.

"Yeah. What've you always wanted to be?"

"…A bride."

Silence. A bride? Really? I had never thought of her as that type of person, the type to dream about love and whatnot. The more bubbly, and motherly Lilliun right next to me seemed like that, not Sophie.

Then, a giggle. Right next to me. It made me a bit uncomfortable how she stood so close, my heart racing with fear, but I ignored it. It wasn't that bad. She wasn't touching me, so it was fine.

"A bride? You're a romantic?" Her voice sounding surprised, and impressed at the same time. She walked to the other maid, my heart calming itself soon. I held back a sigh of relief. The farther away they were, the better.

"No. Just hopeful."

Another laugh. I wondered what sort of face Sophie was making. A grimace? An annoyed face? Was she blushing?

Nah. Not her. She wasn't that type of person.

"Hey, Guy!"

I jumped in surprise and turned to them, Sophie wiping down the counter, Lilliun just standing by her, hands on her hips. She tilted her head to the side, those bouncy blonde curls falling with it.

"What about you? Always going to serve Master Luke?"

I shrugged. "Probably. It's that, or become a fon-technician."

"What about a wife? Come on, you have girls falling for you left and right, and you don't think of that?"

An image of Natalia flashed in my mind, my ears feeling hot. I shrugged off the strange thought, decided not to dwell on it, and only shrugged again.

"No, not really."

Suddenly, her lip curled into a mischievous smile, and she walked toward me, her hands held out. I felt my heart beat faster in fear, my body shaking, and my mind suddenly go blank. I flinched, held my arms in front of me, and dodged to the side, a yelp escaping my lips.

"Is that why?" She giggled, only watching me with amusement. I felt the cold sweat at the back of my neck, and cursed myself. Yup, not cured. Never cured. Only comedy material.

…If that was even possible.

"Leave him alone, Lilliun." Sophie sighed, like I was just a cat she had picked up on the side of the road, one she wasn't allowed to have. I heard the other maid laugh, and cross her arms in front of her.

"Come on, it's too cute, don't you think? Just look at him!"

I felt my body calm, my mind think rationally again. I stood up straight, and knew that whatever seriousness or respect I had, had just been thrown out the window. Stuff like this was embarrassing at best.

"Let him get back to work, or the Princess will fire you."

"Fine, fine…Loosen up, will yah?"

I cast a glance to Sophie, who only gave a curt nod in response. Since she hadn't fallen for me, I could count on her. She reminded me of Mary at times, my sister who only told me to grow up, to be a man, just like our strong father. She was blunt, but caring at the same time. Like an older brother, or an overprotective older sister. When I looked at Sophie, I was reminded of my family, of Hod. They weren't bitter memories, but good ones. Hod wasn't to blame; it was only a victim, like everything else. No, it was okay to be reminded of it.

It was just that sword in the main hall that was a bitter reminder.

…Anyway.

Lilliun stepped back, and motioned to the stove, to the custard that was still simmering. I took the note, and went back to work.

"You know, you'll have to get over that phobia sometimes, Guy."

I glanced to her. Her face looked…heartbroken? Like she was watching just a bit of hope disappear, the only hope she had. I wanted to ask about this, but decided to reply to her question first.

"Maybe someone will help me. Maybe it'll be you."

Then, she blushed, and smiled a nervous smile. "…You think so?"

"Yeah."

She looked back to me, and then I saw it. The hope, the wishful thinking, right there, plain as day.

I did it again. Charmed her without thinking.

"Lilliun!"

Then, the moment broke, and she snapped her head to Sophie, her face annoyed, like she had just pulled her out of a good dream.

"What?"

"We're out of strawberries. Go out and buy some."

"Why do I need to get that?"

Silence. I imagined Sophie was giving her one of her looks.

"Because," she spoke slowly, "Guy's making a strawberry tart. Think with me here."

I glanced to the maid beside me, her cheeks turning red, but for an entirely different reason then before. "O-Oh…yeah, sorry."

I heard her soft boots on the ground, leaving my side. There was a bit of talk between the two, something about money, and how much they needed. I heard the door close then, and then there was only two.

It was silent between us, but it was nothing different. Sophie was the type that you had to coax into a conversation. I began to talk, to fill in the silence, until she interrupted me.

"Guy, do you know that you do that?"

I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion. I looked back to her. "Do what?"

"The whole charming thing."

"Yeah," I laughed, "I've noticed it by now. What about it?"

She tossed the dishtowel into the sink, and turned her head to me, her blue eyes serious.

"It's bad."

Those two simple words, those two syllables hung in the air. It was such a simple phrase, such a simple sentence, yet it held some sort of impact, some sort of heavy message. I decided to ask more.

"What do you mean by bad?"

She leaned against the counter, arms crossed in front of her, and never let her eyes back down. "I mean, it's a bad habit."

"I don't mean to."

"I know." She sighed, "But it's still bad. Heartless, even."

I was taken surprise by this. Heartless? A little string of compliments was heartless? It's not like I meant it, not like I did it on purpose.

"Is it really that bad? I mean, it's harmless, really."

She shook her head. "It may seem harmless, but it's actually hurtful."

"…How so?"

"You lead them on, Guy. I know you don't mean to, and you're a really nice person, but it's still bad. You make them think you want to be with them; that you love them. It's bad, Guy. Just plain wrong."

I let her words soak into me, and realized it might've been. Maybe. No, it wasn't. It wasn't like I meant it, so it wasn't all bad, right?

"…It's harmless, Sophie. Really."

I should've seen it then. I should've taken her advice to heart. When Sophie helped me, it wasn't to get close, to just help a friend. It was to help that friend with themselves, to make their life just a little easier to live. But, of course I wouldn't listen, just shrugging off this 'gift' as just a little bit unfortunate.

She walked toward me, my body freezing in fear again. She stood next to me, looking up, and frowned. Her eyes looked so sad then, so full of pity. 'Poor thing' I bet she was thinking. 'Doesn't know any better.'

"…You say it's harmless, but one day it'll come back to get you when you least expect it, Guy."

She spoke this so quietly, like she was warning me, telling me to run while I still had the chance. Like a foreshadowing I just didn't take seriously. I should've listened. Could've taken it all seriously. Would've cared if I wasn't so indifferent about it.

Could've, would've, should've.

She motioned to the saucepan.

"Looks about done. Halfway there, Guy."

* * *

"Exquisite!"

My heart swelled in pride, and I smiled out of instinct.

"Really? It was my first time making something like this, so…"

She shook her head, and smiled. "Nonsense. It's delicious, Guy."

Natalia, with a delicate hand, took another forkful of the tart, her eyes closing as she took in the taste. I watched her with interested eyes, taking in all the details of her. I felt the previous awkwardness we had disappear, the reckless behavior of mine seem like years ago. It was better this way. Watching her from afar, taking her in, and making her smile.

_But I promised myself,_ I reminded, _I would tell her how I felt. Should I still…?_

"Aren't you going to have any?"

I was brought out of my train of thought, and saw her looking at me. I smiled sheepishly.

"Oh, no! I couldn't!" I laughed, and shook my head, "I mean, I made this all for you!"

"Go ahead and have some, I insist. I couldn't possible eat all of this." She emphasized, her fork waving over the tart, only a slice of it gone. I secretly thanked Lilliun who helped me arrange the strawberries on the top of it, making it look appealing now.

I considered her offer, then shrugged. What could it hurt? It was only a bit…

"Well, alright." I caved in, serving myself a slice, thankful that Sophie had given me an extra plate. 'Just in case' she had said.

She smiled to me over her glass of milk, and took a sip. I had asked her previously why she wasn't drinking tea. Apparently it wasn't the occasion, whatever that meant.

The strawberries were tangy, but I liked it like that. Not too sweet, and just a bit sour. The custard was smooth (Ah, so I had done it right), and the crust a good sort of crunchy. It tasted good, and I found it hard to believe I had made this by myself, soon reminding myself I had help, and to thank them properly later.

It was silent for awhile while we ate, then I heard it begin to rain outside. First it was a small pitter-patter, then it grew in size and noise. I looked behind her to the window. A fierce wind began, the trees being blown this was and that. It was strange to see the leaves fly off, such a wild storm occur outside, while it was quiet in here, the only sound was our forks clinking.

"…So how is it?"

"Pardon?"

She looked up to me. I had decided to strike up a conversation, to fill in the quiet, to ignore the storm outside.

"The speech. Are you satisfied with it?"

She smiled, and sighed in relief, like I had just told her that she didn't have to worry; she wasn't in mortal peril, or something like that.

"Yes. At last, it's finished. I just hope it's good enough. Perhaps I should look it over one more time…" She trailed off, her eyes slowly drifting to the stack of papers, all finished, cleanly written, the final draft. I placed a hand on her shoulder, and her attention was immediately brought to me.

"You've done enough today. Relax, and enjoy your gift."

She stayed silent for awhile, her eyes studying my face, then glancing to my hand, the one that rested on her shoulder.

"…If you wish, I shall keep it off for awhile."

I smiled, and let my hand slip off her shoulder. I noticed her eyes were following it, with a sort of longing, a sort of need. Did she _want_ me to touch her?

It crept up on me again, this feeling flooding my senses, my chest. I felt the need for her, to tell her, to be with her, again. I tried to ignore it, but with every glance she gave me, it got harder each time. I wanted to tell her. Was it the right time? Was this it? She was done, the original reason I was here gone. As soon as she finished the dessert I made her, I wouldn't need to be here any longer.

But I wanted to stay. I wanted to stay by her, to be with her. I wanted her. I needed her.

I _loved _her.

She yawned, a delicate pale hand covering her mouth. I glanced to her, sliding my fork out of my mouth, taking in the taste, taking in her. She stood up, and stretched her arms. She sighed, and crossed her arms, eyes drifting to the window.

"It's been so long since I went for a walk," she mused quietly, "and now the weather turns out as so."

I felt a smile tug at my lips, and placed my fork on the plate, a small _clink_ made known. I leaned against the table, head leaning on hand, elbow on table, eyes interested in her, and only her.

"It's only been three days." I corrected her. She looked to me, our eyes meeting. She smiled a half-smile.

"It felt like forever."

These sort of moments, these sort of feelings. Where you felt the warmth all the way to your toes, the happiness making your heart swell, and the love feel so powerful for this person…I loved her.

Yes. Now. This was it. The moment I had been waiting for. The chance, the right time to tell her. Right now, right here. I had to tell her. I needed to.

She turned from me, walking to the window, placing a hand on it. I wondered if it felt cold, a sort of barrier from the harsh weather, safe and warm in here. Together, with her.

"With you, however," she spoke softly, "it wasn't so bad."

It was like she had placed a finger on my heart, had touched it so casually. Her words seemed so unreal, but…true. So very true. Or maybe I only wished for them to be true, because I was so smitten. Who could really say?

"Really? Why's that?" I urged her on, eased her into confessing with me. I wanted her to say these words too, to admit with me.

Was I selfish? Maybe. But that's how it is in love, isn't it? Selfish, and caring at the same time.

Her hand dropped from the window, soon crossing her arms, her back still facing me. "Because…you're my friend."

She was hesitating. I could tell.

"…Just that?"

There. Right there, I had crossed the line, in plain sight, with no shame. I was nearing the edge, ready to fall. I didn't know what awaited me at the bottom, what was going to happen to me, what was coming, but I didn't care. I was ready to risk it, to just take a chance.

Was I really _that_ in love? It's kind of embarrassing to admit.

Silence. She didn't speak for awhile, the only sound was the soft pitter-patter on the window, the howling of the wind. She never turned to me, never even made a move to. I waited for her patiently. Eight years. I had been waiting for eight years, since the first day I met her. I could wait for another few minutes, couldn't I?

"…I'm not sure."

I got up, standing behind her, not making any move. We stood like that, the moment open to either of us. We didn't make a move, didn't move too fast. We just waited, just wondered if either of us would do something, anything.

…At least, it felt like that to me.

"What do you mean?" I whispered to her, at last, filling the silence with words. She still refused to look at me, to turn to me.

"Just that. I don't know what you are to me anymore, Guy."

"…A friend?"

"Much more then that."

"…A brother?"

"Goodness, no." She shook her head. "Much more then that."

I placed my arms around her waist, and I could feel her relax into my chest, leaning on me, her body heat against my own. I placed my forehead against her head, her hair smelling like soap.

"…Then, what am I, Natalia? What am I to you?" I whispered, knowing it was pretty much useless, the question already answered with what we were doing. But I asked her anyway, to be formal, to be polite.

Finally, she turned to me, her eyes shining like sea glass.

"…I think you very well know, Guy."

I could see my reflection in the window behind her, my face peaceful or lost or maybe full of hope. I don't know, and I didn't really care to know. I saw myself bend down to her height, my face get closer to hers. It was like I was watching this from a far, like I wasn't doing this, It was all so surreal, so dream-like. And, then, I felt it. I wasn't dreaming. This was all too real to be a dream.

I kissed her, my hand stroking her back, her hands running through my hair.

Eight years. Eight long years. We had met so young, in love right here and now. After waiting, after being so patient, I was rewarded like this.

I could go on and on about how she tasted like strawberries and how good it felt. But it wouldn't be good enough. How they describe it in books, it just isn't good enough. You have to be there, have to experience it, have to love that person enough to know how it felt. I don't think I could describe it just right. All I can really say is…the outcome was worth the wait. Yeah. That's all I can really say.

It might've been forever until we broke apart, but we did eventually. It was silent, and I felt this strange feeling in my chest, like a hunger had been fed, like everything was right in the world, for just a few seconds.

"Guy…"

I gazed into her eyes, and she looked so content, like a sort of satisfied happiness. Like after everything, after going through hell and back, you had finally reached your goal. That sort of happiness.

"Yeah?" It was more so a toned breath then a word. We were whispering, so quiet, just so we wouldn't be found.

"…I…I love you."

It was already known, already said through our actions, but I guess for her it was like common courtesy, just to make it final. I only smiled a lazy smile and nodded, nose brushing against hers.

"I know."

And we kissed again, as she tilted her head to the side a bit, giving me easier access to her lips, so our noses wouldn't be all awkward. I was grateful for it, grateful for her and her taste and all of it. It wasn't a dream, it was all real, and all just plain satisfying.

We broke a part, catching our breath. We had simple kisses, just the types where you took in the taste of each other, lips touching, nothing too intimate. We were just starting out after all; baby steps and whatnot.

"Do you love me?"

I looked to her, her face red, flustered. I smiled.

"Yes."

"How…How much?"

I kissed her on the cheek, my lips brushing against her ear as I spoke.

"Too much."

I could feel her shiver under my arms, and smiled. Was I just teasing? Telling the truth? I wasn't even sure of that. I was too smitten to notice anything else, but her.

…It's kind of embarrassing to admit it now.

"You're doing it again."

Suddenly, her voice was serious, and it broke me out of my trance, my mind confused rather then drunken with bliss. I pulled back, standing up straight, Natalia's hands on my chest, my arms still around her. She looked solemn, sad.

"What do you mean?"

Suddenly the moment was slipping away, retreating, leaving us alone with this new serious air. I wasn't sure what was wrong, and I felt lost, and like I was left out. She looked down, avoiding my eyes.

"…Saying things you don't mean." She muttered. I shook my head. What was she talking about? Of course I meant it, I meant all of this.

"I mean it. I do, Natalia. Why would you think I didn't…?"

She sighed, and pushed me away gently, getting out of my grip. I was stunned by all of this. What was going on? Why was she acting like this? Did I do something wrong? Did I do something to upset her?

"Guy, not only is this wrong, but you're doing it again." She sighed, like she had to explain something for the umpteenth time.

"What do you mean, Natalia? What am I doing?"

"Flirting without meaning to."

Suddenly a flash of Sophie's face so sad, so full of pity came back to me.

"_You lead them on, Guy. I know you don't mean to, and you're a really nice person, but it's still bad. You make them think you want to be with them; that you love them. It's bad, Guy. Just plain wrong."_

"…_You say it's harmless, but one day it'll come back to get you when you least expect it, Guy."_

So that's what she meant. Funny how that 'one day' was only an hour or so later.

"Natalia, it's not like that! I…I love you!"

I found myself desperate for her to love me, to not be angry with me. Or was she upset? Either way, I was feeling heartbroken, and I wanted to fix this as soon as I could.

Then, she turned to me, her face a mix of anxious need and anger.

"I'm an engaged woman, Guy. It doesn't matter if you love me or not; it's wrong and forbidden." She snapped.

Bam! Right there it all came back to me. I remembered it all, all the rules I had broken, all the boundaries I had set and then crossed. I remembered that I was a servant, she was a noble, a princess betrothed to my best friend. The worst of it, though? I remembered she would never let herself love me, never cave in, or make an exception for me. Ever.

The shame I had ignored for so long finally caught up to me, finally hit me all at once. I shook my head, not sure what to say next, only wanting her to stop looking at me like I was to blame for this, all of this.

I reached out for her, and grabbed her arm.

"Natalia, I never-"

She jerked her arm back, her face that of disgust.

"Don't you _dare_ touch me, you…you lowly servant!"

Silence. I could feel my heart break, my mind try to block out what she said. It was already done. Servant. Only a servant. A lowly one, at that.

Yeah, well, what was I expecting anyway? It was Natalia. Princess Natalia; the one who put her reputation before herself.

Perfect. Just perfect.

Her eyes looked to the side, away from me, as she held her arm tenderly, like I had contaminated it or something.

"…You will address me as _Princess_ Natalia," She whispered, a sort of scolding tone to it, "and we will act as if none of this happened. You are dismissed, Guy. Goodbye."

Then, she turned, her heels click-clacking on the floor, a slamming of the door, and I was left all alone.

Act as if none of it happened? Call her _Princess_ Natalia?

Brokenhearted? Yeah, pretty much.

I moved in a sort of daze as I left the castle, remembering later we had left the tart unfinished, just as soon not caring. The rain had let up, the air hot and muggy. I continued on, my head filled with questions, no answers to be found.

When I opened the door to the manor, deciding to just head to my room, I was intervened.

"There you are!"

I was shocked awake, seeing Luke right there, his face angry. He stormed his way over to me, and I kept wishing silently to just be left alone, to just be allowed to think to myself, and let myself rest.

I felt so empty. So…insulted. But not in a way that you felt angry, but a way that made you feel that maybe they were right.

"Look, you have a lot of explaining to do for yesterday, and I'm not going to let you run to Natalia!" He ranted. It all sounded so muddled to me, so pointless. I felt so tired and shook my head.

"Luke, can we talk about this later?" I asked weakly, still acting kind to him, watching myself and my words this time.

"Don't you chicken your way out of this!"

I sighed, and continued onto my room anyway, just wanting to rest, just wanting the world to be quiet for a bit. But he wouldn't stop, his words so lost to me. I think he was saying something about me 'being rude', and that I 'had such a nerve to say that', but I wasn't really paying attention.

I opened the door, immediately seeing Pere was in there, and he smiled.

"Oh, Guy, you're back-"

"Pere, tell him to stop being such a jerk and listen to me!"

I didn't hear them talking, didn't want to, and only sat on my bed, putting my head in my hands. It was all a blur now, like the world was just going too fast. The kiss, the confession, her insults…

I just needed time to slow down, for the world to quiet down. I could hear bits of their conversation, Pere finally telling Luke to give me a little time that I 'had just come back and was probably tired from helping Princess Natalia. Why don't you see him tomorrow?'

Eventually Luke left, calling back to me, saying something, but I couldn't quite hear. Soon the room grew silent, and I heard Pere walk toward me.

"Master Gailardia, what's wrong? What's bothering you?"

I only stared ahead blankly. I felt numb. Lost.

"…Nothing. I'm fine, Pere. Just fine."

If that was even possible.

* * *

It was a sad memory. I'll admit that. It began well, our love finally known, but it ended painfully.

I sighed, and sunk into the armchair. Still, I didn't feel sleepy.

I wasn't bothered by this memory, because everything is already done. 'Cause we've already gone through all of this, and put it past us. I had moved on, and so had she. It was over.

I smiled to myself. But I was so full of passion back then. So smitten. It really is embarrassing to admit now that I was so head-over-heels.

But, like I said, it had all happened, all done and over with, and I had no regrets. We promised to forget it all, and I did. I never mentioned it, never remembered, and was never tempted.

And…well, here we are.

I grabbed Jade's forgotten coffee cup, and was tempted to drink from it, to see how cold it had gotten, or how it tasted. I sighed and shook my head, placing what was left of it down the drain.

I try to not be so reckless anymore.

* * *

That's the end of it! Thank you for reading! :3

Ah, sorry if it's too sappy, thus making Guy OOC! So sorry! I tried my best to not be so sickingly sweet, but it always turns out like this… D;

And Sophie and the rest of the maids are just chars I made up. Sorry if no one likes OCs…

Also, sorry if the story's too long!

…All I do is apologize in this section. Sorry for that too? xD;;

Anyway, thank you for reading once again! I hope you have a good day! Ciao! :3

-Apple Fairy


	6. His memory: Away

Hello and good to see you, reader! Apple Fairy here!

Ah, I didn't have any unregistered reviews this time! How new. D:

(And congratulations Ami on getting an account! I look forward to any stories you write! :3)

Well, seeing as I don't have to answer to any, thank you all for reviewing nonetheless! Next chapter is back to Nat's POV! Enjoy the story! :D

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Tales of the Abyss.

* * *

_Unspeakable_

_Story by Apple Fairy_

* * *

_Life is nothing like those stupid, romance novels._

_Long-distance relationships aren't always successful. When the passion dies, it stays dead. _

_Even when a person gets married, even if they have no problems with each other, they still get divorced because of reasons they can't explain. We just fell out of love. That's all. They never cheated on me it just…died._

_And stayed dead._

_Thank you. Really._

_Thanks for showing me that love never really wins in the end. I'm really grateful._

_Really._

* * *

My kingdom for a birdcage.

After Jade's visit, after remembering that painful memory, I felt myself drifting to sleep. Sure, it was in one of my armchairs, but it was sleep and I would take it gratefully.

Then, it began again. One chirp, then two. Soon it was a song, and I was fully half-awake.

Upon looking out the window, there he was. Turning his small head this way and that, maybe searching for another one of his kind, or maybe I was looking into it too deeply.

I couldn't let my eyes off of him. I felt that urge to help him again, but I didn't have a birdcage, didn't have any way to catch him. I sighed to myself. Why did I want to anyway? Was it out of pity? I mean, he looked so lonely out there…

Then, he flew closer to me, to the small piece of land that the window cast it's light on. I felt my breathe catch in my throat, and felt a million questions rush into my head. What now? What could I do? I could catch him, but with what? Besides, what would I do with him afterwards?

…What would be better: letting someone go off by themselves, off to the dangerous world, or keep them cooped up, keep them locked up so they'll be safe?

An image of Luke, his face lightened up with a grin, that silly grin of his, came to mind. He was like that. When we kept him in the manor, he came out spoiled, came out a person who needed much to improve on. And then we were thrown into that adventure and he was forced to grow up, to kill, and to see the world in all her ugly glory.

So, he lived. He loved, he lived, and he saved our lives. Luke was only a child, a child who grew up too fast. He doubted himself, he grew to love himself. Hell, he might've known more about life then the rest of us.

That was Luke. That was my friend. The person I respected the most in this world, the person I worried about the most. And now, he was gone. Off freeing Lorelei, soon to come home. He had to. He promised.

And I would be there, my fist ready to give him a good punch in the arm for making us worry like that.

I sighed. That was two years ago. Two years since we had defeated Van, since I had seen Hod fall all over again.

And here I was. It's a shame he couldn't be here for tomorrow. Maybe when he comes back I could-

The chirping brought me out of my train of thought. Funny how this small guy reminded me of Luke. Well, maybe it was the lack of sleep. Maybe that was why I was thinking things too deeply. I mean, it was just a bird, after all.

An idea struck me, and I ran to the kitchen, soon coming back with a slice of bread. I found he was still there, and opened the windows slowly, so as to not scare him. I broke off a bit of the bread, throwing it to him. He soon caught on, eating it gratefully. I smiled.

This would keep him here for a little longer, until I could figure out what to do.

…Maybe he reminded me of Luke because he was so full of hope. He never migrated, always waiting, waiting for someone to come back and pick him. Luke was full of hope, too. Even after Asch died, after what had happened, he kept going on. Van could've killed him too, but he kept going. He didn't care, didn't want to. He hoped. I'll admit sometimes he was doubtful, mostly of himself, but to go so far, he had to at least have a little bit of faith, right?

That was what I was back then, too. Hopeful. I felt the memories come back to me, flood my mind again. I let myself remember, as I fed him.

Hoping wasn't a bad thing. When the going gets tough, all we have is that. We're human. We need all the comfort we can get.

* * *

_Day 1_

The morning after, I ran to the port until my legs ached. She had said seven, right? I guess I'd find out when I got there.

So after running and running, even jumping over the gates of the elevators before they even opened, after feeling my heart beat rapidly, I skidded to a stop, my heart breaking when I learned the ship had already set sail, that she had already left.

I tried to catch my breath, and leaned against one of the walls there. I ducked my head.

Gone. She was gone. For _five days._

I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to see her. I don't know why, hell I don't even know what I'd say to her, but I wanted to see her. God, I wanted to see her.

But she was gone. For a total of five damn days.

It all felt so final. Done, finished, no way of taking it back. It had been signed, shipped, and wrapped all up. I couldn't take anything that I did yesterday back, and every insult she had spat at me was all final. Yesterday, everything had happened. _Yesterday_ had happened. It was all real.

Nothing was a dream, nothing was a joke. It was all real. All final.

I sighed a shaky sigh, and gulped. I held my head up, examining the blue sky, the shining fonstones. The lazy clouds rolling by. All of this, I tried to concentrate on, tried to ignore the aching in my heart.

I pushed myself off the wall grudgingly and walked back to the manor in a daze.

I was tired. So very, very tired.

* * *

I was reprimanded by Ramdas when I came back, not really hearing his words. I knew it was wrong of me to storm off as soon as the morning announcements for the servants was done, that I should of got to work like everyone else. I apologized to him, promising to not do it again. I got off with a slap on the wrist at best, very grateful for my luck.

I went and woke up Luke as instructed. Van was coming today to train him. It took a bit of coaxing, but he got up, just as soon dismissing me. He was angry at me, I was rejected by the woman I loved…what else would happen?

I did my chores in a daze, in a sort of dreamlike state. It wouldn't stay quiet in my mind, everything else drowned out by my thoughts. It was like I was going through the motions, just doing what was programmed. All I was thinking about was what Natalia had said, what she had ordered, what it all meant. I tried to look on the bright side but…I just couldn't. All there was, was her rejection and the pain I felt in my heart. Not even my undying optimism could get me out of this.

_Maybe it's supposed to be this way,_ I realized as I washed the dishes in the kitchen doing it all in a daze again,_ maybe it's better this way. I mean she's right; she's engaged to Luke. She's a princess…what could happen? What am I hoping for?_

As the day went on, I began to doubt myself more. I wanted to see her. Needed to. Nothing to say, but enough need to spur me on.

When Van had come, I was instructed to help Luke after his training. I had to watch them, had to wait. I knew Luke would get angry at me having to be near him, having to see him more then he'd like, but I put off that solemn anticipation for later.

I found myself watching Luke and Van sparring with a sort of wistful expression, a sort of mindless state. I was looking at them, but not really seeing.

Luke was allowed a break, and he obliged with his usual 'Yes, Master Van!' Van smiled at me, and approached. I smiled weakly back.

"It's been a while, Guy."

"…I-It has." I agreed half-heartedly. I didn't even have the will to fake the fact that I was okay, fine, just fine.

He frowned, instantly seeing what was wrong. That was the thing with Van; you couldn't hide anything from him. The fact that he was my childhood friend, my servant back in Hod, didn't make it any better and only let him know me more.

"Is something troubling you?"

"No, of course not!" I laughed, and shook my head. I lied, and I was a decent liar, so I thought I was safe. He sat next to me. I looked over to him; his skin didn't even have a drop of sweat on it.

"Master Gailardia," he spoke slowly, "don't lie. I can tell something is wrong."

I didn't feel shocked, didn't feel amazed. I knew Van, and I knew it was only a matter of time until he pressed for details. I was a bit surprised when he called me by my official title, but it was minor, soon shrugging off when I realized he did that all the time when there was no chance of others eavesdropping.

I sighed and leaned back into the bench, watching (not really seeing) Luke as he drank from his water bottle, Pere behind him talking to him as he tended to the flowers. I saw Luke say something back, his face animated. He was always like this when he trained, chattering away afterwards to me, covering every issue, right down to how he was going to get some bruises tomorrow, but it was okay, he'll get stronger. You just watch, Guy. You just watch.

And here I was watching, just as he said.

I found myself smiling, then let it drop to a frown. He wasn't going to speak to me today. Would definitely avoid me even, after what I said to him…

"…It's nothing, Van. I'm fine, just fine." I whispered. I don't know why, but I had a feeling I shouldn't tell him. An inkling maybe, a hunch even. I would find out why in the future, but that was then, and sadly this is now. I glanced over to him, his mouth already beginning to say something.

"That-"

"So, how's your sister?"

He looked over to me, his eyes slightly widened, it soon disappearing. Was he shocked to see that I had changed the subject so willingly? Who knew; it was hard to read Van sometimes.

A thought came to me, a way to ease his worry without really telling him. I kept it away for now though, ready to let it out when it was appropriate, when the time was right.

…When the time was 'right'. What a bitter reminder.

"She's doing fine. I'm going to visit her on Remday."

"Really? Sounds great."

"She's working very hard. Her birthday is coming up, as well."

"Really? When?"

"First day, Lorelei Decan."

Van never told me his sister's name. He talked about her, how he worried for her, what she was doing, but never said anything too informative. I had learned another fact about the mystery sibling today; what day she was born.

"Tell her 'Happy Birthday' for me, okay? How old is she going to be?"

"…Fourteen."

_Ah, something else,_ I thought, mildly interested in the subject. It was strange how some person, possibly on the other side of the world, what I would learn was actually right beneath me (Later, much later) could help me forget about Natalia, about her harsh words for just a little while. It was so strange, interesting in a way, how everyone is connected to one another somehow, affects each other in a way, without even being able to see that person face-to-face.

I noticed he suddenly got quiet when he talked about her. It wasn't that it was a sore subject; previously when he would talk about her, his face would brighten, his voice would become softer. But now…he seemed solemn. Not ashamed of her, but…himself? I wasn't sure. I wanted to ask what was wrong, what was troubling _him_?

"Master Van!"

I was jerked out of my train of thought, my eyes finally seeing who was there, even though in the back of my mind I already knew who would call him by that title. And sure enough, there was Luke, grin on his face, wooden sword in hand, eyes only looking to Van. I looked to aforementioned person. He smiled.

"Let's continue, Luke." He ordered, soon receiving an agreement from the young master. He stood up and looked down to me. A curt nod, then "If you'll excuse me, Master Gailardia."

I didn't wait for him to leave, deciding to let my excuse out on him, deciding to ease his previous concerns anyway, just for the heck of it, just one less thing for him to worry about.

"Wait."

He half-turned to me, the wind blowing by him, his ponytail moving a bit with it. I heard the shuffle of leaves somewhere, probably behind me.

The weather was getting colder. Fall. Winter would be approaching.

"Yes?"

"I'm troubled because…I'm kind of in a fight with Luke. Don't worry about it too much, though." I half-lied, the part of that statement being truth. But it wasn't the only thing that had me down. Nope, not at all.

"Do you wish for me to talk to him for you?" He asked, worry in his face. I felt touched, but shook my head.

"No, it's fine. I have to do this on my own. Go to him; he's waiting."

"I'll see you later then."

He walked away, and I watched him leave, watched Luke smile, so happy, so carefree. I watched them train, watched Van treat Luke with respect, teacher and student.

A sudden pang shot through my heart. Here I was, alone, watching others enjoy themselves. Natalia's voice came back to me.

_You lowly servant!_

…I had a sudden want for my homeland. I wanted Hod back. Maybe it was because Van had reminded me, maybe because the boy I wanted to kill so long ago was treating me with spite, that I felt this way. I was homesick.

But the home I wanted to return to was gone.

Gone, gone, gone.

* * *

_Day 2_

I think she was laughing at me. I think I was drowning. Was that Luke who was pulling me out? No, it might've been Van. Everything was black, no logic to be found. I kept sinking, someone trying to save me, to bring me back to the surface.

Although, while my limbs were struggling from the mysterious hold on me, while I tried to swim back up, my arms swishing the water this way and that, Luke (or Van) trying to pull me up, all I saw was one thing.

Natalia standing on the ledge, looking down at me, laughing and laughing.

I felt whoever it was' hand leave my arm, maybe deciding that it was hopeless, I was probably better off dead. Then, I was falling and falling, Natalia's image fading and fading into the black, into the dark, growing smaller and smaller.

Then _wham! _I hit the ground, and woke up in a shock, heart beating rapidly, body shaking. I sat up, and tried to calm myself, looking around me, taking in my surroundings, trying to find out if I was safe.

Fontech, plants, the same dark red of the walls…yeah. Safe. This was my room, my bed, and I was safe.

I held myself for awhile. I knew I should've gotten dressed, should've went and got ready for the day, but I didn't want to move for awhile. I wanted to remember who I was, wanted to remind myself I was safe, that everything was going to be okay, alright.

No. Nothing was fine.

I willed myself up, shook the sleep from my shoulders, sliding out of bed. I looked over to Pere. He was still asleep.

I had a morning routine. I would always get up first, get dressed, and then wake him up. After leaving the room to himself, I would go to the male servant's washroom. We all shared one, and I while most of them opted for a shower early in the morning, I would take one at night, coffee the only thing I had to wake me up. All I did was wash my face, brush my hair…usual things other people would do in the mornings.

Then after that, after breakfast, all us servants would gather in the main hall, and let Ramdas announce what we were assigned for the day, what was happening. If a guest was coming, then we would work harder, if nothing special was happening, then it was just basic chores.

And I would do my job, sometimes skipping out for a quick chat with Luke, just as soon returning to my task.

But this life seemed surreal. This routine…it didn't seem like mine anymore. Everything looked so dead to me, so lifeless.

Or was I the one that was dead? Everything was so lost to me…or was I lost?

Too many questions, not enough answers.

I got dressed, slightly nudging Pere on the shoulder afterwards. He was a light sleeper and that was all he needed. After he had blinked for a few times, I was gone. I didn't bother to stay for a 'Good morning' or anything.

Because I was living someone else's life, everything else was dead to me.

In the washroom I got some questions asking me if I was okay. I only responded with a 'Fine, just fine'. Was it that obvious? Did I look _that _troubled?

I looked into the mirror to answer myself. At least I could answer this.

What I saw was so surreal. Was that myself? My eyes looked so dull, my face so solemn. There were bags under my eyes, and I splashed my face for good measure. I searched my face for any change, to see if I had brightened up even a bit.

Nope. Not a thing. I followed a drop of water slide down my face, but soon tried to smile. Would that help?

…It looked so sad. So pathetic.

I sighed, and shook my head. Who was I? This wasn't me. Not at all.

_You lowly servant!_

…I was fine. Just fine. Just dirt to her. That's all.

Other than that, I was fine. Completely and utterly fine.

* * *

"Luke?"

"…"

"Luke, come on."

"…"

"I said I was sorry."

"You're dismissed."

"I'm not even done."

"Then find someone else to do this. I don't want to talk to you now."

"Just hear me out."

He turned and glared at me. If looks could kill…

"You didn't hear _me_ out the day before yesterday."

I felt my words caught in my throat. He was right, but he didn't know I had a very good reason for it.

"I'm sorry for that, then."

He raised an eyebrow in question, maybe wondering why I had apologized so quickly. He never voiced this question though, and turned away again.

"…It was really rude."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"I could have you fired."

I felt my heart race all of a sudden. Fired? I had never thought about that…Was he bluffing? I could probably find another way to live, even if I lost my job here. But I had gotten so settled into Baticul, into enemy territory…

No, this wasn't enemy territory. This was home. My home. Where I had a place to sleep, a place where friends were. Where I was wanted, where I was cared for.

I didn't want to leave.

"Luke…"

He got up, abruptly, making me stop in the middle of my brushing. I was still Luke's personal servant, an all around handyman as well, and there was no way for me to avoid that.

I waited for him to say something, unable to see his expression in the vanity's mirror. I stepped away, feeling the back of my legs touching his bed, so soft.

He turned to me, his expression still sour.

"…You're dismissed."

"Luke, please."

"Dismissed."

He turned away from me again, myself only able to see that red hair of his. He was growing a bit of orange at the tips, I noticed. I sighed, and placed the brush on his bed.

"…As you wish, Master Luke."

I bowed, just for the sake of it. What was I anyway? A servant. Just a servant. Not a friend, not a lover…just a servant. A lower-than-dirt servant. I walked out of his room, taking one last look to him, my friend, my master. He looked back to me.

We just stared at each other, not saying a thing. I felt hope rise in my chest. Would he call back to me? Hear me out?

"…Goodbye, Guy."

My heart fell, my shoulders falling with it. I nodded solemnly, and closed the door behind me.

I stayed there for awhile. I didn't want to think of the world, didn't want to go with the motions. This wasn't who I was, this wasn't me. I was living someone else's life. I was too lost to be Guy Cecil.

Even when I tried to fix things, tried to find myself again, my search was fruitless, my own friend still ignoring me. It was all so lost, the world so pointless to me. I wanted to see her, wanted to at least fix up that, if not with Luke.

But she wasn't here. She was gone, refusing me, throwing our friendship to the ground, crushing it beneath her heel. She had walked off, to better things, to things that were more important then me. And here I was, left with the small pieces, trying to fix it all, trying to at least stand on my own two feet.

But it was fruitless, the pieces too small, the puzzle too complicated. All I could do was hold myself, and watch her leave me, farther and farther, just like when I was falling into that dark sea in my dream.

How pathetic.

* * *

"It's lavender; try it."

I looked at him with what I think was a skeptical face. The scent filled my nostrils, too much, making me gag. I quickly drew back, and frowned, soon smiling out of politeness.

"Trying aromatherapy now?" I laughed. I tried to act like myself, like who I was. Who I was supposed to be. Guy Cecil…all I had to rely on was what people said who I was. I used to be Master Gailardia. That was taken from me, in one afternoon, in one day. I became Guy Cecil, shortening my name, taking on my mother's maiden name…I infiltrated the Fabre manor for revenge, for payment from the world that had taken so much from me. An eye for an eye.

Then, I stopped being the Guy who wanted revenge, who now was quite content with just belonging, with just being loved.

Now, those that loved me, those that I loved, didn't want me. Who was I? What was I supposed to be?

I don't even know anymore.

And here I was, getting ready for bed, a bowl full of crushed lavender near my nose. What did this make me? Only confused.

Pere smiled his warm smile, the one that was so wide. He placed the bowl on our nightstand.

"I know a bit; supposedly, it helps calm the mind."

I smiled awkwardly, not quite sure what to say. "Y-You don't say…"

He was quiet for awhile as he climbed into bed, the sheets shuffling. I bet Guy would have something else to say. He always had something to say, always willing to meet new people, willing to talk for hours, or to listen for that same amount of time.

And who was I? Quiet. Alone. I wasn't Guy.

"I gave it to you, because you seem troubled."

I turned to him, surprised he was continuing the conversation. I found his back turned to me, and I had that sudden feeling again, of wondering whether that person had really said anything, wondering if I had really happened.

It was a bitter reminder, and I soon pushed it to the side, these memories, this pain that came with them for free, no additional charges.

"What makes you think that?" I asked quietly, taking off my boots and socks. I stretched my feet out, the toes spreading, letting them breath after having been on them all day. Being a servant didn't let you sit, not until the end of the day. I got used to it after awhile, me a kid, a noble, who was then forced to serve the one who had taken it all from me.

That was Gailardia. He was the one who adapted to this place. Who the hell was I?

"You've seem troubled the whole day. And yesterday you came back home such a mess! Master Gailardia, what happened?" He asked with that worried voice of his, the one that made you feel safe, like a kid for just a second. Like you were taken care of, don't worry. You don't need to worry about anything anymore; I've got it covered. Just rest now. Just rest.

That sort of feeling, the sort that I was grateful for.

You know; whoever _I_ am.

"I'm fine, Pere. Just fine."

Lies, lies, lies. But what could I really say? I've fallen in love with the Princess, my best friend's fiancé, and I want a relationship with her? How could I admit to _that?_ It's not right, not at all.

Or maybe I should tell him that; sure, maybe he'd understand. But then, hey! You want to know the best part? She knows. Yup, she knows I love her. Great? No. Not great. I kissed her, and she called me a servant. A lower-then-dirt servant. She said I was lying, and acted like my touch was dirt, and…

…Hell. I can't tell him that. No. I have to take care of this myself, have to figure it out on my own. Maybe Guy would've accepted help, but I'm not Guy.

"Master Gailardia," He sighed, "I can't help you if you don't tell me."

Then, it hit me. I wasn't Guy. I didn't have anything to hide, because I was nobody. Guy would've kept it a secret, wouldn't tell anyone. But I wasn't Guy, and I didn't have a reputation to ruin, a sense of pride to hold me back.

So, I spilled. I told him everything. I just talked and talked, letting it all out, letting all of these feelings I kept bottled up, out. I admitted to every crime, I confessed to all the small secrets, all the shame. I watched myself do this, and I just didn't care anymore. I didn't care if Luke would never talk to me again, I didn't care if Natalia hated me, I didn't care if I was a pathetic servant, spitting on the Gardios name, the one I stopped wanting revenge for…I just didn't care. I was at the end of the rope, dangling, hanging in the wind. No one was helping me, my mind was too loud, too full of questions, and I just gave up. I let go and fell and fell, and I didn't care anymore. I was too young for any of this, too tired.

I wasn't fine. Not at all.

And then, it was quiet. I found myself looking down, head in my hands, eyes moist. I had stopped talking, not even remembering half of what I had said. I was sure I had given him everything though, retold everything that had happened, all right up to Natalia slamming the door behind her, leaving me alone in that library.

There was a long silence after that. I felt a sort of relief. Like I didn't have to keep this all bottled up; that at least I didn't have to be burdened. I didn't let myself feel the shame. It wasn't mine to begin with. After all, I wasn't Guy. I didn't have a life to myself, just a life to borrow.

"…I had an inkling."

I looked up to him in surprise. Really? Was it obvious? Did anyone else suspect I had feelings for her…?

"You…You did?"

He sighed again, sitting across from me on his own bed. Pere removed his glasses and began to clean them. I waited patiently on his response, anxious, afraid and curious all at once.

"With all those times you had been seeing the Princess," he began slowly, "and how you returned to us after helping her…it was all pretty self-explanatory."

I stayed silent, not sure how to respond, still trying to find the words to say. There was actually nothing to say, nothing to reply.

"O-Oh…"

Except for that, but I don't think it counts.

He didn't say anything, and I decided it might be best if I continue on my own, saying things for the sake of killing silence.

"…Are you ashamed of me?"

It was a quiet sentence. I didn't really worry about his response on this one; I wasn't Guy, and I wasn't worth that much in the beginning.

"Of course not!" He responded, taken back by my question. I looked up to him. I wondered if I looked as pitiful as I thought I did, as much as I felt.

"Master Gailardia, there is nothing wrong with falling in love. You have nothing to be ashamed of."

"Pere! She's engaged! She's in love with Luke! Of course it's wrong!"

I don't know why I was defending myself, my actions. Well, not so much defending as I was insulting myself.

He slid his glasses back on, and shook his head slowly.

"None of that matters. Master Gailardia, how old are you?"

I cast him what I think was a skeptical look, but went along with it anyway. "N-Nineteen…"

"And you only have so long to live! Don't let things like this hold you back! If you want to be happy, then do what you need to do to be happy."

I felt a chill resound through my body. Happy…Is that what I wanted to be? Happy? Well, yeah, I'm only human, it makes sense…

I never knew back then, that I would use this philosophy with everything in my life. If I wanted to go back to Luke after what he did in Akzeriuth, I would. If I wanted closure, a piece of mind at the peace treaty signing, hell I would. If I wanted to tell my best friend my piece of mind, how I didn't want him to die, how he didn't deserve to, to just rid the world of the miasma at the tower of Rem, I would, and I did.

I let his words sink into me, and I had this feeling, most likely a gut feeling, that they would never leave me.

"…She hates me, Pere. She…she called me a lowly servant." I shook my head, still not rid of my sadness, of my depression. I sighed, and looked down again.

"She's just confused. Give her some time."

"No, it's not that!" I sighed, and slumped my shoulders. I knew I had to give her space, had to wait. I had gone too far, had crossed too many lines without her okay. She would be wary, and I wouldn't blame her. Time. I had to give it a little bit of time.

Silence. He was waiting for me to elaborate. I obliged.

"…Who am I?"

"Yourself, of course."

"No, no…" I sighed, and looked up to the ceiling, maybe searching for answers there, who knew. I leaned back on my hands, and continued.

"I mean…who am I? A servant? Am I really just a servant to her? She doesn't want me near her…Luke's angry at me too…Am I just a servant to them?"

"They're very important to you, aren't they?" He asked quietly. I smiled without thinking.

"Yes."

"'Servant' is only a title."

I brought my head down, and looked at him. His face was pensive, considerate. I waited for him to continue.

"Just because someone calls you a servant doesn't mean you're only that. Master Gailardia, who do you think you are?"

"…I don't know."

"What do the people around you think of you as?"

"…Dirt." I mumbled. He laughed.

"Not just Master Luke and Princess Natalia," he shook his head, "What about everyone else? You don't think _I_ think of you as dirt, do you?"

I considered his advice, reviewing all those that have and still do care about me. Pere obviously thought of me as his master, as the little lord, all grown up. Van the same, treating me with respect, with honor. Mary had thought of me as her little brother, who was going to grow up strong, to take over father's position as the leader of Hod. Mother, who would sometimes look out the windows of the manor, probably thinking of her homeland Kimlasca, would always turn away from that window when she saw me, her arms held out for me to take my place in between them, in a mother's hug. Me, her son, the one she didn't regret, wasn't ashamed of, the one she loved. Father, who looked at me with pride, who would take me around Hod, telling me this would all be mine one day. Madame Fabre, who would look at me with worry, asking me if the maids weren't stressing me out too much, thanking me over and over again for looking after her son, for being so patient. The rest of the faces, the rest of my friends…yes, yes to them, I wasn't a servant, I was Guy. Another part of their lives, even if just a little bit, I was still there. A part of the puzzle, unable to complete it without me to join in the picture.

"…No. Not at all."

My voice sounded so weak, so fragile. At that moment, I felt loved, and just for a second I forgot about Natalia, about Luke, about any of this. And after so long, it was finally quiet in my head, and I could just _exist._ Not think. Just be. Just be myself.

I was Guy Cecil, and I would never forget that ever again.

I looked up to Pere, a smile on his face. He stood up.

"How about I fix you up a cup of hot chocolate, and then you go to bed, hm?"

I smiled a grateful smile.

"That sounds good."

Even after I heard the door creak with his leaving, the soft click, I still felt tired, but for an entirely different reason now. I lay down, bringing the sheets over me, my eyes observing the forgotten bowl of lavender. I reached out for it, bringing it to my nose, taking a whiff. It smelled good.

I was fine now. An actual, not covering-up-your-sadness fine.

* * *

_Day 3_

Luke got another one of his headaches the next day.

I had woken up, refreshed, ready to take on the world with an optimistic view. It went by normally, following a routine I knew well, and was grateful for. Of course, Luke avoided me, but I told myself I'd find out a way to make it up to him. That idea alone occupied my thoughts for the day. Finally, afternoon came, and I was instructed to strip his bed of it's sheets, to change them of course. I went to do that, carrying the new ones with me. I felt it before I even arrived in there, before I opened the door. I felt like something was wrong, terribly wrong. Maybe it was a gut feeling, intuition even. But when I opened the door, finding no one in there, that terrible creeping feeling on my heart was answered when I saw him collapsed on the ground, clutching his head. I yelled his name, dropped the sheets, and went by his side.

I should've been used to it, I know. Luke was fifteen now, this had been going on for five years now, ever since he came back. I should've gotten used to his headaches, to the pain he endured, to it all. Yet, is it wrong for me to be worried about him, to keep hoping this one won't be too long?

No. There's nothing wrong with it. He was my friend, and my master, and I didn't like to see him in pain like this.

"G-Guy…?"

I brushed the hair from his face, his expression a grimace. He sounded weak, strained even.

"I'm here, Luke. What is it?"

I was answered with a hug, his hand clutching my own, his other on my back, clutching the shirt for support, for release. I held him close with my other hand, his body rigid. His fingers were entwined with mine, digging into the skin. I closed my eyes, forgetting everything he had said to me, forgetting all of his faults, his bratty nature, his spoiled way of living, and only wished for it to finish, to leave as soon as it could.

And then the world disappeared. The sheets were left unattended, the task ignored, the fact that we were in a fight was second to this. All I wanted was him to be okay, and I bet all he wanted was the pain to stop. All I felt was my shirt being stretched, his fingernails digging into my skin, his head leaning against my chest. All I saw was the top of his head, the red hair falling over his face. All I thought about was when it would end.

And somewhere along the way I think we decided it was a stupid thing to fight about anyway. If I was willing to stay here for him, until it ended, then what does it matter? Well, Luke admitted to this later. I guess I'm only speaking for him.

Then, for what felt like forever (which turned out to be a few minutes), it ended. There was silence, utter silence, and his fingers still entwined with mine. His body felt less tense, his grip on my shirt loosening, his hand then falling to his side. He didn't sit up, didn't let go of my hand. I waited for him to say something, anything, with patience.

"…Stay with me 'til I sleep."

His voice was dry, was quiet. I nodded slowly, no more explanation needed. It was all perfectly understood, no questions asked, none really required.

"Alright."

He finally let me go, finally got up, and let me do what I was there to do previously. He stood at the side, leaning on his windowsill, watching me with disinterested eyes.

"…You're forgiven."

I looked up to him, lost for awhile, soon finding my way. I smiled.

"I know."

Luke looked to the side, crossing his arms. I continued on, stretching the bed-spread over the sides.

"…Do you feel okay now?" I asked him softly.

"…Fine."

Silence. I had my back to him, placing down the comforter, smoothing it over. I felt a hand on the middle of my back, and froze out of instinct.

"I missed you."

I smiled, relaxing my body. "…I missed you, too."

He had ordered me to spend the rest of the day with him, and he ordered me to tell Ramdas this, to let me drop the rest of my chores to spend time with him.

Well, more specifically, he told me to skip out on work, and let Ramdas worry about it. I wasn't ready to lose my job, so I went to talk to him about it, Luke in tow. He was 'Master' Luke, so we got the okay, after Luke's persistence. I was thankful for the fact he was used to getting his way, just a little bit. I suddenly felt sorry for whoever was given the rest of my chores, feeling a need to make it up to whoever it was.

So, we spent the day together talking about nothing and everything, sword training a bit, and just generally getting along again, patching up all the tears, making up for all the lost time. We didn't talk about the 'fight', didn't talk about it all. Maybe we were avoiding the subject, maybe we were embarrassed it ever happened in the first place, but it never came up either way.

Then, the time passed by without us knowing, and the sky was dark, the moon casting a soft, blue light. It took awhile for me to coax Luke into bed, because it was time to sleep, until he finally obliged. Soon I was sitting on the edge of his bed, his comforter pulled around him, as I played with his hair absentmindedly. He looked at me with half-lidded eyes, fighting off sleep. Maybe he had enjoyed the day, had savored my company. Maybe he didn't want the day to end, wanted it to last as long as it could. He didn't want me to leave his side yet, wanted just one minute, one more second of my presence.

…I can't be sure; I'm not him. This is all just me guessing things.

"Hey, Guy?"

"What is it?"

"How did it feel like without me?"

I considered his question and my answer. Yeah, I had missed him. That much I was sure of. How did it feel though, without him? My friend, who sure, was just a little spoiled, but had confidence in himself, knew what he wanted not what he needed?

"Lonely."

I examined his face, and I was sure I saw the corners of his mouth twitch, maybe deciding not to smile, not while I was here. I tilted my head to the side a bit, and smiled.

"How did _you_ feel?"

He looked to me, then away, my fingers still tangled, then straightening out his red hair.

"…Bored."

I laughed at this, such a child's answer. And that's what Luke was sometimes; a child, still figuring out the world, plenty to know about.

If he was willing to learn was a different subject altogether.

"Really?"

"Yeah, you're the only one I can talk to here."

"What about the other servants?"

"They're all too scared cause I'm 'Master Luke'." He sighed, annoyed. He looked up to me again. "You're the only one who treats me like a person, Guy."

I felt a shiver run up my spine. I felt touched by his words, by what he thought of me as. Was it really like that? Maybe it was because I partly raised him? I smiled.

Right then and there, I was grateful to know Luke. It wouldn't be the only time.

"…Thanks."

He blinked a few times, not really saying anything, then closed his eyes, away from me.

"What was wrong?"

"Hm?"

"Why did you avoid me when you came back to the manor?"

I hid my nervousness as best as I could. Luke was easy to fool. As much as I hated knowing that, I did. This wouldn't be hard…I just had to have had a legitimate lie.

"No reason. I was just tired. I'm really sorry, Luke. I didn't mean to avoid you or anything."

I tacked on that sorry at the end to distract him. It was what he wanted in the end; a sorry, an apology. Luke didn't look deeply into things, just wanted to be treated with respect, with love. A child's way of thinking.

He stayed silent for awhile, and for a moment I thought he had fallen asleep. Then, "…Just never let it happen again."

Success. He fell for it.

I untangled my fingers from his hair, my hand just resting on his shoulder, the comforter between us.

"No more talking. Go to bed, Luke." I cooed. He opened one eye to look at me, obviously already giving into sleep.

"…Goodnight, Guy." He muttered, then closed his eye again. It was only a matter of time until he fell asleep, breath even and slow. I slid my hand from his shoulder, and looked out the window.

It was an odd way of making up. A strange way of being friends again. But then again, I was all he had in this manor, and he was all I cared about this much. Because, as much as I knew, that was friendship. Spontaneous little fights, the silent tiny make-ups. Then, enjoying the other's company, maybe disagreeing over something, and it all began over again. Maybe it was a headache, maybe it was frustrating at times, but I didn't care.

I did as I was ordered, spending time with Luke until Rem sunk into the horizon, until he was well asleep, our friendship back on track, as if none of it had happened. As if I had never insulted him, as if he had never yelled at me when I was at my worst. Now, my work was done, Luke well asleep, the day already over. I felt a pang in my heart at having to leave him, but then remembered I would be able to see him the next day, then the next. Luke wasn't going anywhere, and I wasn't planning to leave his side anytime soon.

I watched his sleeping face, and smiled, getting up from his bed, walking back to my own room.

Sure, being friends had it's down points, and it was hard at times to keep it up, but you know what?

Seeing the outcome, having them care for you, it was worth all the fights, all the chaos.

* * *

_Day 4_

"Guy, you shouldn't have!"

I scratched the back of my head, and laughed a shy laugh. I shrugged, suddenly feeling timid for some reason. Maybe it was because I wasn't used to people telling me thank you, and I still had to adapt to all these compliments I received. Am I humble by nature? Nah, can't be.

"It wasn't much…I mean, I wanted to thank you for helping me…"

Lilliun looked at me confused, her finger on her cheek, still hugging her present to her chest, the one I had gotten her. She tilted her head to the side, the blonde curls once again falling with them.

"Help? When?"

"With the tart."

"Oh! That seems like ages ago…You didn't have to pay me back, though." She smiled a bashful smile, now hugging the present with both arms, appearance demure, eyes downcast. "I mean, it wasn't all that hard…I didn't do much…"

I shook my head. "Nonsense, I'm really grateful."

"No, no." She sighed, "I can't accept this…"

I leaned over a bit to look into her eyes; it bothered me when I couldn't look a person in the face when I talked to them. More of a pet peeve; it's like they aren't paying attention to me.

"Please. I'd feel bad if I didn't reward a talented girl like you."

Her eyes suddenly looked into mine, her face reddening. She smiled, and looked away again.

"G-Guy…"

"Lilliun."

Then, Sophie, walking toward us, wearing normal clothes, not the maid dress as required; was it her day off?

"S-Sophie, what is it?" Lilliun pouted, crossing her arms over the package. Sophie motioned behind her.

"Get back to work. Chef's looking for you."

I looked to the one in front of me, reading her expression. It was first annoyed, then changing to quiet defeat, accepting loss with a sour face. She sighed, and walked toward her.

"Fine, fine." She looked back to me, and smiled. "Thank you, Guy, really. I'll open it as soon as I can."

Then, a wink, and she scurried off. I wanted to see what sort of face she would make when she opened it. Would she be happy? Excited? Was it a right choice? I mean, truthfully, I'm not used to getting presents for others. But I needed to repay her and-

"You did it again."

I was yanked out of my train of thought, my attention turned to Sophie, hands in coat. I smiled what I think was an apologetic smile.

"I…I was just thanking her." I smiled, cutting her off before she could answer. "Oh! That reminds me, I got you something too."

She looked at me skeptically, removing one hand from her coat, absentmindedly brushing her long hair back. "That so? What is it?"

I held up the bag I had been carrying. I smiled.

"I wasn't really sure what you'd like…and sorry it's not wrapped, I just bought it, so…"

She took the bag from me, digging inside, pulling out a long, scarlet winter scarf. I looked to the side, worried what she'd think. Sophie was the type of girl who was hard to read, who you couldn't tell what she was thinking.

From the corner of my eye I could see her looking up at me, then back to the present. When she was wrapping it around her neck, I turned back to her.

"…It's soft."

"You like it?"

"Thanks, Guy." She smiled. I tilted my head to the side.

"You have a pretty smile. Why don't you show it more often?" I asked lightly. She pursed her lips, and shrugged.

"I just don't. Hey, walk with me." She motioned, and walked ahead of me. I decided to follow; I had finished all my chores so I could give them my presents, Luke busy with his studies. Why not? I had time.

"Day off?" I asked her, deciding to strike up a conversation. She pushed the castle doors open, the metal creaking loudly, wind hitting the both of us. I saw her wince, but soon pulled the scarf closer around her.

"Yeah. Thought it was about time. Besides, we're going to be working overtime tomorrow when the Princess comes back. Thought I'd enjoy some peace before it happens."

It hit me. She was coming back. Tomorrow. It seemed so long ago since I was on the port, staring at the sea, wishing I was dreaming a nightmare, but smelling the salt in the air to prove me wrong. Would she avoid me? What could I say to her? We couldn't just ignore it; _I _couldn't just ignore it.

But what was there to say? To do? What did I want from Natalia? Her feelings? She wouldn't give them. Her friendship back? It'd be hard to earn it. What did I want from this?

To be happy; Just as Pere had said.

…But what would make me happy? How would I handle this? What was I going to-?

"Guy? Hey, Guy?"

I was once again dragged out of my train of thought by her. I blinked a few times, then looked down to her. Her face looked confused, in a tired sort of way. Like after finally finishing a good mystery novel, the ending was just too cryptic for you.

"You okay? Seem troubled." She pursed her lips again, and stopped in her tracks. I stopped with her. I smiled and shrugged.

"I'm fine."

"Fine." She nodded, "You're fine."

"Yeah."

She stayed silent for awhile and I wondered if she would buy it. I mean, Pere was fine. Pere knew me. He was loyal and kind enough, I knew he would understand, and he did. He never brought it up after that night, only asking if I was okay every now and then. But Sophie? Hard to say. She was strict, and didn't take kindly to rule-breaking. Forbidden feelings for the Princess? The one she served? No, I don't think that'd go over well in her book.

"…Right." She nodded, and shrugged. "Whatever you say, Guy."

And she continued walking, hopefully the conversation dropped, buried, and put to rest.

"What'd you get her?"

"Lilliun?"

"Yeah."

"Recipe book." I smiled, "On sweets."

She looked back to me. "You're just the most perfect thing, aren't you?"

"Excuse me?" I blinked in surprise. She smiled and shook her head.

"Guy, you're perfect."

"I am not."

"Please," She laughed good-heartedly, "Tell me one thing that isn't perfect about you?"

I furrowed my brow in thought, thinking it over. "…I like fontech. People don't like it when I talk about it." I laughed. I was still left wondering why no one else saw the beauty I saw in it, but shrugged off the thought. People were just different from each other, is all.

"Join me for coffee?"

I was caught off guard by this, not expecting her to answer like that. I shrugged. "Sure, why not?"

She motioned to a coffee shop. "I'm treating. Let's go."

Soon, we were sitting across from each other, her knee closer to mine than I'd like, not quite sure if I should point this out or not. Our waitress taking our orders, our conversation surprisingly taken up from where I had left it off.

"Okay, I'll admit to that." She nodded, elbows on table, fingers entwined, chin resting on them, leaning over on the table. I examined her features, her sharp, blue eyes, her long black hair…she was pretty if you looked long enough. But then again, I thought all women were cute, so what would I know?

"But still, to girls, you're perfect." She shrugged. I smiled a modest smile.

"Nah. I'm not that great."

"And you're humble; chalk that one up on the board."

"Can we talk about something else?" I asked with a sigh. "I'm not good with these sorts of subjects."

It was true. I could take a compliment, but that's not to say I wasn't embarrassed by it. I didn't think I was the epitome of excellence, the model for all…I was just Guy. And the less I heard about myself, the better.

She clicked her tongue, and leaned back into her seat, legs moving from mine, myself slightly thankful, that small action done irking me in the back of my mind.

"What's bothering you, Guy?"

I raised my eyebrows in surprise, shocked by this new development.

"Your coffee." The waitress smiled, also catching me off surprise. Today was just full of twists, wasn't it?

She placed our cups in front of us, and we were quiet, Sophie not letting her gaze leave me. She wasn't going to lose me, nope, not at all. I didn't want to back down, I wanted to hear the rest of what she had to say, the rest of her hypothesis, her theory. Soon, we were left alone again, the waitress leaving us. Sophie took her sweet time to elaborate.

"You seem troubled. And don't you give me that 'fine', excuse." She raised a finger, ordering silence. I obliged, letting her finish. "…Because something is obviously up."

I looked to my coffee, grabbing the small milk jug that came with our drinks, pouring some in. "What makes you think that?"

"When I mentioned the Princess you got really quiet. All deep in thought."

I shook my head. "It was just a coincidence."

"…Did something happen?"

I froze. No. She was just making a guess. She didn't know, she didn't see anything. I was safe. Natalia was safe. We were fine. Then, it hit me. Lie. What if I lied? Well, not really lie so much as use a different scenario to explain my problem. I looked up to her, then back to my coffee, stirring it, the spoon clinking on the sides of my cup.

"…Promise you won't tell anyone?" I asked her, quietly. I looked up, seeing her nod.

"If that's all it takes, sure."

I took in a deep breath. Had to make it authentic. Remember to make it authentic.

"You see, the thing is, I have this friend." I began. She nodded slightly. I continued, "And I'm really close to her. But I…kinda did something to offend her."

She pursed her lips, and spooned some sugar into her coffee, stirring it, _clink, clink, clink_. "Okay. So, she's angry at you, and you want to make it up to her. Why not say sorry?"

I imagined myself saying that to Natalia. Would a simple sorry really make up for it? No. Not good enough. She would probably sigh and shake her head, ashamed that this was all I managed, all I tried to do. Pitiful, Guy. Honestly, can't you at least _try_ to make it seem as though you are truly sorry for what you put me through?

Yeah. Something like that.

"No," I sighed, "Not good enough."

"Okay…" Sophie spoke slowly, "Then…make it up to her. Say you'll do anything for her forgiveness."

I considered this. Well, maybe…

…But what about the whole deal with me being in love with her? I couldn't ignore that, and neither could she. We couldn't just go back to normal, act like it never happened. It was final, it was done, said and wrapped up, no way of taking it back. That kiss meant something, and it wouldn't let us return to what we had before; a normal, harmless friendship.

I had to do something about that. But…what?

"…Not good enough. I…" I sighed. How could I word this without letting the truth out? I let my mind reel for a moment while Sophie took a sip, head tilting back just a bit, her pale neck more visible, the scarf still covering up the majority of it.

"…Say I was in love with her?"

She swallowed too quickly, coughing, covering her mouth. She looked to me in surprise, like I had just admitted I was planning to steal the throne or something.

"Love?" She asked, amazed, stupefied, unbelieving. "You, Guy Cecil, are in _love_?"

I felt a blush come to my cheeks on instinct and looked to the side. It was actually embarrassing to admit it to a third party, to a friend. At first I thought love was just love, nothing all that special, just another feeling. However, when telling someone else, it suddenly sounded like I had just turned my whole life around, like I would never be the same, that I had no way of going back to someone who hadn't known how it was like to be in love.

Then, I realized I _had_ changed, just a bit. I dreamt of her more, thought of Natalia more then the other people in my life, I was worried for her… Yeah, they were tiny changes, barely noticeable to others, quite plain to the one who was subjected to these feelings. They didn't change my life completely, weren't making me go mad with infatuation…they just changed little things. They didn't do any harm, just grew to know their home, to be there, not bothering me, just messing around with my head a little. No, not even that. More so adding new things, perhaps improving it, maybe making it worse, it all depended on the viewer.

"Y-Yeah…" I admitted, refusing to meet her gaze, looking into my coffee cup with disinterest, with only an excuse for my reason.

"…Who would have thought it?" She sighed, more so a statement than a question. "And now you've offended her? Were you cursed or something? I mean, you, Mr. Perfect, chase away the first girl you actually fall for…Wow, no wonder you're stressed."

I wasn't sure what to think of her words, of what to say. Should I just laugh and agree or feel offended...? It was hard to decide.

"…I admitted my love to her." I whispered, not sure why I did, just plain did. I still didn't meet her eyes, didn't look at her expression, opting the coffee to be the only one I laid my eyes on.

"Was that what 'offended' her?"

"…Yeah."

"Well," she spoke simply, her tone flat, "that's just rude."

I looked up to her in surprise, her expression stern, her eyebrows creased. _She wouldn't say that if she knew who it was…_ I thought to myself, keeping the words to myself as well.

"Sophie, that's a bit harsh."

"It's true," she sighed. She was doing that a lot today. "I mean, if she's like that, why go after her, Guy? What's the point?"

I looked to the side, considering her words. Why was I chasing after Natalia? I mean, she obviously didn't want to be with me, didn't want to even see me. What was the effort for? Did I really love her that much? Besides, it would never happen, could never work out. It was all wrong, and forbidden. She was a taken woman, I was a commoner. It would never work out. What was I expecting?

_If you want to be happy, then do what you need to do to be happy._

Pere's words came back to me. But was this happiness really worth it?

I smiled to myself. Of course it was.

"…Because she's worth it."

I looked her straight in the eye, waiting for a response. A twitch of the eyebrow, a fleeting look of anything in her eyes. Anything really, to see her display some sort of emotion. Soon, she closed her eyes, and sighed, leaning forward on the table, chin in her hands, elbows on the table.

"You're a romantic, Guy. A hopeless romantic."

I laughed at this. I had been called a lot of things, but a 'romantic' (A hopeless one, at that) was a new one.

"That's just in my nature." I shrugged, smiling what felt like a good-natured smile. She opened an eye, and shook her head, closing them again.

"Whatever you say. Okay, so you want her talking to you again. Fine. You're going to be an adult soon, so I trust you know what you're doing."

I was suddenly reminded that Sophie was twenty-three, four years older then me. I suddenly felt young, and naïve compared to her.

"So, how did you do it?"

"Do what? Confess my love?"

"Yeah."

"…It just sorta happened," I shrugged, my mind returning to that library, with it's smell of old books, with the window behind her. It all seemed so long ago, now. What happened there…it was all so surreal that this body of mind had been in there, had kissed those lips. Once again, there was no evidence, so I had trouble believing even myself.

"We were talking, then…then it got deep. And she was hinting at her feelings for me, and then…we kissed, and-"

"Stop."

I looked to her in surprise, my eyes previously looking around the café, embarrassment flooding my systems. Sophie looked considerate, but strict as always.

"You kissed her?" She echoed. I nodded, wondering where this was leading, not letting this show on my face.

"Yeah. Kissed her."

She shook her head. "You went too fast."

Eight years. We had known each other for eight years. Was it really alright to call it 'too fast'? I felt this need to defend myself rise, but quieted it down. I needed to hear her out first, then represent myself.

"You…You think so?"

"You scared her, Guy. Surprised her. Sure, you might have been waiting for this moment forever, but it doesn't mean you just jump at the chance. Let me guess; you also flirted with her before it happened?"

_More like afterwards…_I answered her mentally, realizing everything she was saying might have been truth. I listened intently, and looked to the side again.

"…You know me well. Why?"

I could see from the corner of my eye that she had smiled, and shrugged. "Because I've known you long. 'Cause I'm used to seeing your type. Who knows?"

I sighed, and took another sip of my coffee. It felt warm, and I could feel the heat surge though my veins, my body warming right up. The weather kept getting colder and colder. Winter was just approaching, and I wondered if it would snow again this year. No, of course it wouldn't. Baticul was too close to the sea; it would be rare. Maybe I'd consult the Score for the hell of it…

"So what should I do?" I finally asked, placing the coffee cup down with a small _clink_. She studied me for a bit, taking me in, then looked to the side, probably thinking.

"Well, you know you did wrong?"

"Yeah."

"And you want her to forgive you?"

"Mmhm."

"Then clean up the mess you made."

I widened my eyes, not expecting her to say such a thing. I mean, Sophie had a history of being blunt, but this…

She took another drink of her coffee, keeping me in suspense. It was an awkward silence, until the rim of the cup left her lips. Then her sharp, blue eyes looked to me again, her mouth forming the words at last.

"Let me elaborate: Fix it up. You got yourself into this, now you have to dig yourself out. Apologize to her. Don't go running to her, kneeling down, and kissing her feet for forgiveness. Talk it out with her. Tell her she's got nothing to worry about, and talk it out. Get her comfortable, ease her in…talk about your relationship. What you're going to do and all the other stuff like that." She explained, waving her hands around for emphasis on certain words. I soaked in her information, took it in, and considered. And accepted it, gratefully.

I nodded slowly, then "…Maybe I will."

Yeah. I would do that. Talk it out. I didn't know what Natalia wanted, what she really wanted out of this. What we both knew was that it was impossible to be friends again, to just act like nothing happened. We had to talk about it. We knew we were in love, and we knew Natalia didn't like it. So what was there to do? Would we just act like it never happened? Ignore these feelings? Maybe try to make it happen? I didn't know yet.

I needed to see Natalia. I needed to talk to her.

And tomorrow, I would be able to.

…I couldn't wait.

"Sophie…thank you." A soft, grateful statement. I wasn't sure what else to tell her, to say. She had helped me once again, hadn't warned me, but told me to look forward to tomorrow, indirectly. Sophie smiled a wide, pretty smile.

"Don't worry about it." She shrugged. Her eyes looked into mine, then softened. Soon, she was frowning.

"…When you talk to her, be delicate. The Princess is easy to scare."

I felt shock jolt my heart, my eyes widen. She looked away, her mouth being covered by her hand. I was confused, stunned, too. She knew? Would she tell?

"Sophie, you-?!"

"It's obvious, Guy. I won't tell."

There was a silence, and I still felt tense, felt uneasy. It was…? I guess I would have to watch my words around everyone else then if so many people were finding out…

"…You're letting me love her?"

"Like I said, you're going to be an adult soon; I trust you know what you're getting into."

Once again, it was a warning. I didn't feel it back then, but I know very well now. I was getting into something big. A scandal. An affair. I was going to make Natalia turn her back on her country, just a bit, betray the one she loved for two whole years.

But I didn't know what I was getting into, what I was starting. I was in love, and I wanted her to accept me again; that was all I knew. Funny, how such a serious thing was started by such a simple wish. How a whole string of events was put in motion by such a small desire.

In any event, I don't think Sophie knew she was warning me either. Just telling me what to do, how to fix things. Simple things, which held an indirect, bigger meaning.

She took another sip of her coffee and I watched her intently. I could trust her. I could.

"You know…" I trailed off, leaning forward a bit, arms crossed over the table. "…You look really beautiful with your hair down."

She looked up to me from the rim of her cup, soon bringing it down. Sophie was silent for awhile, maybe considering my words. She smiled again, such a warm smile, fixing the scarf I picked out, just for her, the dark color reminding me of my friend.

"Good to know."

* * *

_Day 5_

I was in love with Natalia.

I knew that. That one thing, that one sentence, those simple, basic feelings I was quite certain of.

I also knew every complex attachment that came with it, free of charge, sadly. I knew it was forbidden, I knew she didn't want me near her, I knew that she would never even consider a relationship with me.

I also knew that if I wanted to be happy, I would have to do something for that happiness. I knew I loved her. I knew being with her would make me happy. I knew I had to do something for that sort of happiness when I was with her, when I loved her. I knew she was worth it, I knew I would risk anything for it.

I had a total of five days to think. Five days. Today was the last day. She was coming back, we could talk. I didn't know what the future held for us, what she would say, or what we could do. I didn't know if this would work, or how it would. I was only human, after all.

But I knew I wanted to be with her, wanted to be happy. I was also guilty of being human in that aspect as well.

So, as I rushed to the port, just like I had on the first day, when I saw the crowd formed when news reached that the princess was coming back home, even if I had to look over the heads of other spectators, I was ready. I knew I was ready. I loved her, I wanted to be with her. I wanted to be happy.

And I would do anything for that happiness. Even break a few rules, even go behind a few backs. I loved her. I did.

Then, I saw her, her sea green dress flowing behind her, her smile directed at her people. I felt my heart swell at seeing her. No, I couldn't approach her now. I could see her, but that was it.

I could feel the weight of our different statuses sink in. There she was, the princess of Kimlasca, smiling at all the people of her country, living a life we could only dream of. Me? Well, I was a servant, allowed a glimpse into that life, only able to make it possible, unable to live it. I shook off this sudden feeling however, and watched her with admiration, with longing.

I didn't know when I would be able to talk to her. I didn't know if she wanted to.

But I didn't care.

I was ready. Ready for whatever the future was going to throw at me.

I had hope.

* * *

Hope. How painfully naïve I was.

I'm not trying to sound bitter now, but was I really that unconcerned about the consequences? If I was thrown into that same situation now, I don't think I would've tried to be with her. I would've said sorry, would've left it alone. There were other fishes in the sea and I had plenty spare time to fish. Just because I found a mermaid didn't mean I could keep her forever. One day, she would have to return, would have to leave my arms for her home, for the sea.

Back to Asch, back to Kimlasca.

I sighed, crossed my arms, and leaned against the window sill, watching the small bird eat all the bread crumbs, one by one. Well, what was done, was done. It was too late now; it's not like I could turn back time or anything. I was only human, I made a mistake, and that mistake would affect me tomorrow, would come back to haunt me. Tomorrow…

No. Maybe I have nothing to worry about. Nothing will go wrong if we remember the promise. If she remembers it's over, if _I _remember that it's all done. All I could do was trust we remembered ourselves, and remembered in the end, we still had to end that affair. There was a reason we weren't together now, and it would probably end it again, even if we decided to start where we left off.

Besides, I couldn't. I just couldn't. Not to her.

I smiled to myself. I still have hope. Back then, I had hope that we could make it work, that we could be together. Now, I have hope that it will never happen again. Life can be pretty ironic.

He began to chirp again, and I was pulled out of my train of thought. I was spacing out a lot these past few days…Maybe I should use the same excuse as Jade, and say I'm getting old?

I sighed and smiled. I got up from the windowsill, and went back to the kitchen to get him more food, seeing as he finished off that much, walking fastly, so he wouldn't fly off while I was gone.

Some things never change. I still have hope. Always hope. When I came back, feeding him once more, I looked up to the moon, the clear, bright moon.

…There's nothing wrong with having hope, right, Natalia?

* * *

That's the end of chapter six! Thank you so much for reading! :3

Ah, I'm so sorry for this chapter! I bet I made Guy OOC, and my writing style suddenly got horrid, and, and-!

…Ah, there is so much wrong with this chapter, and I am _so_ sorry! The next chapter will be much better, I swear! I will try my best! I'm so sorry for how this is written…Dx

A-Anyway…thank you for taking time out of your day to read this. I am very grateful! I hope you have a good day! Ciao! xD;;

-Apple Fairy


	7. Her words: Cold

Hello and good to see you, reader! Apple Fairy here!

No unsigned reviews this time, either! Thank you all for letting me leave a message to you. On with the story then, I suppose. Enjoy! :3

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Tales of the Abyss.

* * *

_Unspeakable_

_Story by Apple Fairy_

* * *

_Please go._

_Like this, it's impossible. Like this, it's forbidden._

_I love you. I love you. I love you._

_But that doesn't mean it's okay._

_That doesn't mean I can be with you._

…_But is it alright if you stay by my side, anyway?_

* * *

Ghosts don't really exist, do they? Not the monsters that haunt various dungeons, but actual human spirits embodied. I mean, I feel as if something is watching me. However, every time I turn to look, there is nothing, except my cabin's bed. Am I merely imagining it? I admit, I do fancy ghosts stories, the strange unexplained nature of the world fascinating me…but being a part of one I would likely avoid. It is more so enjoyable to hear about one, then be _in_ one, I must admit. I sighed, and turned back to the desk, the dim lighting the paper. I have finished off at least…seventy-eight pages.

Goodness.

It is a fortunate thing I had brought a journal (or two) to preoccupy myself. After learning of what was going to happen…I had a need to write our story. Seeing as what's going to happen tomorrow, I knew it would be forgotten. Just another event in the history of the world, perhaps the Score as well, if it was still alive to this day. Something that held no meaning to others, no importance.

But it was important to me. What humans most likely fear the most is being forgotten. As if you had never existed. I know I, as a princess, will be remembered in history. Written down as one who helped defeat Van Grants, the one who had ambitions as to replicate the whole world. We all would, all of us who had assisted Luke. I do not fear being forgotten.

However, this time in my life, the days, months, and years I had with Guy that meant so much to me, would be forgotten.

I realize we had promised it would be forgotten, but it was so important to me. Guy, _you_ were important to me.

After mulling over the idea, after rejecting it, only to consider it once more, I decided I would.

Before tomorrow, on the way there, I would write a memoir (or confession) on our affair.

Here I am now.

Guy…I still wish to see you. I realize tomorrow I shall, but still…I want to talk about it once more. To break our promise, for just a while. I wish to ask on your opinion on it. How did you feel when I left you back in that library? Were you heartbroken? I apologize greatly for how much insulted you. I know it is pointless now, but I realize I never appropriately apologized for my actions and words. To this day, I would never even dream of hurting you in any way. You are precious to me, not only as a friend, but as an old love, as well. I think, if after Asch and Luke, you would be the most important man to me, the one who has affected me in an immense way.

…Guy, when I see you tomorrow, can we talk? Alone, if it's not too much to ask? I want to speak to you about the past. I want you to remember with me.

I can envision it now. The sun will be up, high in the sky, casting it's warmth onto me. I will be walking through the streets of Grand Chokmah, you're new home. Lost are those days when we would walk the cobblestone paths of Baticul, talking as old friends, as companions, as secret lovers. I have grown to known you as a Malkuthian noble; yourself still acting as the Guy I know so well.

I will most likely be accompanied by the Kimlascan royal guard, needing bodyguards as I walk through Malkuth's capital. I wouldn't need them, but father would insist. I wouldn't blame him; it is better to be safe then sorry, after all.

I would dismiss them as soon as I reached your manor though, of course. No one else would need to listen to what happened between us; it has to stay between us, must remain so.

Would I hesitate? It is reasonable. It would be the first time we would speak about the subject in two years. The sunset had looked so warm, so clear that day on the port, when we had vowed to never speak of it again, to bury it, permanently, in the back of our minds. Staying the past, the past that had never happened.

I would hesitate, my fist still held before your door, waiting to be brought backwards, then forwards, only to do it one more to catch your attention. Yes, I would hesitate, be nervous, and be unsure of myself. I know myself well, and I know some things are better left dead.

But this need to talk about it, to talk about it with _you_ is too great, and I would do it anyway. _Knock, knock. _

It would be a few seconds that would feel like forever until you would open the door. I would be kept in suspense, soon regretting my actions, trying to think of an excuse as to why I was there, a different reason. 'Well you see, I was just in the neighborhood…' or perhaps 'I had the wrong address!'.

…No, none of these excuses are valid. I would then have a need to run, to just throw away the image of one who is patient, who is brave just for my comfort.

Then, just as soon as my legs would get the strength, you would open the door, soon smiling, saying my name, asking why I was here. Why not come in? Should I fix you up a cup of tea?

Guy you have become so predictable, it is hard to decide whether that is a good thing or not.

I would smile, and nod a bit. 'Yes, that sounds lovely, thank you.'

After getting myself comfortable, after receiving the tea you promised, and taking a polite sip, I would begin.

"I've been thinking of our old affair lately…"

And you would stay quiet. Solemn. The smile disappearing from your face, the air getting serious. I would watch you face intently, waiting eagerly on an answer, with fear or hopefulness…I do so dearly hope it is the first.

Then, after what would most likely feel like forever, your mouth would open, the words forming, and you would say…

…Wait.

What _would_ you say? All I'm drawing is a blank, that part of the imagination coming up void. Like film that was ruined at the end, the images blurring, then burning, holes forming on the once perfect picture. The film would flutter to an end, the projector clicking to a stop, the room turning dark. Something like that.

My love, Guy, how would you react? Would you smile, and talk about it with soft consideration. Ignore my pursuits and tell me to never bring it up, we promised, remember Natalia? Or, maybe, you would say you miss it?

I highly doubt it, seeing as what will occur tomorrow.

The first one seems like you. Talking, but not hinting at anything.

I sigh, and shake my head. It matters not. It is not as if I will actually address the situation tomorrow. You will be too busy, as will I.

For now, I have only myself to talk to about the affair. By writing this, I am admitting it happened, not ignoring it, turning a blind eye to it. I am calling it out, making a show that I know it happened. I am brave, or perhaps too daring, as a result? I'm not sure. I'm not entirely comfortable answering the question.

I pick up the pen, and continue. I chose ink, because I won't be able to go back and erase it. Yes, I could tear up the paper, but I still did it. It is more so symbolism. It is a show that I have taken this step to acknowledge it. It is not for other's eyes, but proof to myself.

Proof that I didn't forget, but tried to remember. Maybe even wanted it back.

* * *

I shivered. Winter was coming too fast. I could already feel it biting into my bones, crawling up my spine, and freezing my toes. I kept this all in, though, trying to look professional. Ladies do not show discomfort, princesses especially when they are in meetings.

After having rested from my trip, after sleeping an afternoon and night away, filling in father the next morning of what I experienced, catching up on paperwork I had pushed to the side for the trip, it was time I had settled down. Father had consulted the Score on what action we should take next, soon Grand Maestro Mohs gracing us with his presence after two days had passed since father had sent the carrier pigeon. Now, father held a meeting, the Grand Maestro, Alpine, Goldberg, Duke Fabre, and many other important nobles were seated around, father and I next to one another. He coughed for attention, and looked around to everyone, the look of authority, the one I wished for one day when I would become Queen, with Luke at my side.

If, of course, Guy would stay out of my head, and stop catching my eye.

I shrugged off the thought of him, not even allowing the thought a chance. I had kept myself busy as soon as I left that library, and I would not falter now.

"I realize you all know why you are here." Father began, catching my attention, thankful for this meeting to preoccupy myself. Everyone murmured in agreement. Soon one of the nobles cleared their throats. She pursed her lips, as soon as the room hushed itself.

"Your Highness, if I may ask, why is General Cecille not present?" She inquired, a look of sternness on her face. I could understand that; at meeting such as this, there was an air of importance. These types of nobles, the ones who held power in politics, the ones who worried over the country as much as I, I was proud to know. There were other ones, the ones who were simply rich, who had gained the status through business, which cared more to play around then to lead. They played a part as well, but a small one, only as a part of the economy. These ones I wasn't so respectful of. I realize they were a part of this country…but the lazy ones were the ones I could not stand.

I held off the want to smile. It was at times such as this, that I was happy to be sitting where I was, grateful to have such a position as this. Kimlasca was my responsibility as well, and I would help it gratefully.

"She is busy leading the troops on the battlefield. She is not needed, however, as we have one to represent one who has been there." He replied, and looked to me. I felt pride rise into my chest. Now was my time to shine, to help with the cause. I could see father's eyes soften and gleam.

"Natalia, your report."

I nodded slightly, stood up, and cleared my throat, my report in my hands, the paper thin and small. It was my turn to speak now. I felt a bit of nervousness ail me, but ignored it. As a monarch, I had to have confidence. I had to act as if the world was interested in me, as if my words were all that mattered then. That was what I was taught, and that was how I would act.

"When I visited the area near Akzeriuth, I found our troops in great trouble. They have been running low on supplies such as food, medicine, and clothing. With the approaching winter, they will need warmer clothing, yet there was none to spare. Also, even if Kimlasca is more advanced with weaponry, Malkuth still has an advantage in fonic artes, and that has been hindering our battles significantly. It would be wise, in my opinion, to send more troops. It is that, or we can surrender to Malkuth, or consider a truce." I ended, bowed, and returned to my seat. I was glad I hadn't managed to stutter or pause. I felt pride swell in my chest once more, but looked to the others with a nonchalant expression, nonetheless. After all, as I am warned daily, pride cometh before a fall.

"As Natalia has stated, we are in danger of losing. With that in mind," Father turned his head to Mohs who sat next to him. "We have consulted the Score. Grand Maestro, if you would?"

Mohs nodded curtly, and stood up, all eyes on him.

"As requested from His Majesty, our Scorers looked into it. It stated that Kimlasca should form a truce with Malkuth. His Imperial Majesty Peony shall come to the city of Baticul and agree to it here. With that, the war shall end, and both sides must retreat. If this war continues, Kimlasca shall lose, and lose Akzeriuth to Malkuth."

He seated himself after giving his report. From the corner of my eye I saw father nod, almost unnoticeably. Everything was going smoothly. He turned to the others, eyes moving from one face to the other.

"With that, I must ask you all if it is wise to take such action. Do you all agree with the Score's reading?"

I knew the answer already. The Score was always right, always led us to prosperity. I imagined everyone would agree, unanimously.

"It sounds reasonable enough." Duke Fabre spoke up, shoulders squared, blue eyes emitting confidence. "If the Score has been read as such, there is no reason to doubt it."

"I agree."

"He is right."

"Let's follow that course of action."

Soon everyone was muttering in agreement. Of course. There was no reason to go against the Score, why now?

I looked across from father. Was the Grand Maestro smirking? He was looking at everyone as if they were…dirt to him? How rude! And why would he-?!

"I oppose."

Soon, the room was hushed, all eyes turning to one who had spoken out. It had been Goldberg, his posture firm, as if he was standing to his ideals with the same strength.

"But why?" a noble next to him asked, "if the Score has advised it-!"

"I would rather die," He cut in, voice firm, "then make peace with Malkuth."

The room was silent. Would rather die? Did he not worry of the soldiers in the battlefield, did not think of their well-being? After having seen what I saw, have spoken my speech, seeing their faces lighten with such admiration…they had been so kind to me, so courteous. The sooner they were allowed out of the battlefield, the better, in my opinion.

I glanced to everyone's reactions, my eyes soon caught on to the Grand Maestro again. He looked angry, his glare directed at Goldberg. Daath was a neutral country, why would it concern him?

I looked over to father. He cleared his throat, and looked ahead.

"Alright then. All those that agree with the Score's reading and to follow it?"

"Aye."

I had spoken up as well. We had all agreed, all voices becoming one, with the thought of our country in mine. All but one.

"Then, as a unanimous vote, we shall meet with his Imperial Majesty. Meeting adjourned."

There was a shuffling of clothes then, a moving of chairs as everyone stood. I let out a sigh, my shoulders slumping. I looked up, observing the etchings of the ceiling. I felt a hand on my shoulder, and turned to who had committed the act.

Father was smiling at me.

"You did well, Natalia."

I felt the pride once more swell in my chest, and looked to the side.

"Thank you, Father."

He stood up, and I did as well. We would have to thank them all for their time. Courtesy is always a top priority with my behavior. As soon as we said our goodbyes to them, thanked Mohs one last time, and saw the last noble off, I sighed once more, and hugged myself.

"Are you still tired?"

I looked over to him, and smiled. The air of importance had been blown away, there was nothing weighing us, and now all we could be was father and daughter.

"No it's just…I'm not good with cold weather."

"Your mother was the same."

I looked over to him. I was thankful for the times when father would speak of mother. I had barely knew her, not even given a chance, and looked forward to any tidbit of information I was given. I wished to know the woman who had given birth to me, who could have raised me with the unrequired love of a parent. Of course, I would never pry for the facts; father would look sad when he spoke of her. So, it was times like this, when he would tell me just a bit, that I was happy for.

"She was?"

"Yes. When it was cold out, she refused to leave the castle. If she had to, she would wear at least three layers."

I laughed. All I knew of her face was the portrait in father's chamber. I imagined her features contorting to that of a grimace at the thought of snow, and laughed. Such a perfect face, turning into a comical one.

"Well! I'm not sure I would go that far."

"I hope so!"

I smiled, and sighed. "There is so much to do now." I lamented, deciding to change the subject. As one who was trained in the ways of conversation (as a lady of the household should) I knew a variety of subjects. "We must send a messenger to Malkuth and wait for His Imperial Majesty's response, then set up a date for the treaty signing…And we must also prepare for the Emperor's visit if he _does_ agree…And what if he doesn't? Then we must plan a different course of action…"

I sighed once more, and shook my head. "There is so much to think about…"

Father laughed, catching my attention. I looked to him, surprised.

"Now, Natalia!" He shook his head, "Those are matters for _me_ to worry about. You have done enough; take a break. You haven't seen Luke since you returned, have you?"

I bit my lower lip and realized he was right. I nodded slowly. "No, I have not."

"Then, do that. He must be worried about you. Let me handle the rest."

I suddenly felt touched by his actions, and nodded, smiling. "If you insist, father. Th…Thank you."

He patted me once more on the shoulder, grip gentle, hand warm on my bare shoulder. Father was kind like this, insisting I not work myself too hard, to be a child for just a little longer. To cherish it, to know that I had a long time until I would be Queen. Do not act as one yet, Natalia. You are still a young girl, and I want you to enjoy it as much as you can. I want you to be happy.

I watched him walk off, back to his study, to plan. He hobbled a little, the cane put first, then his foot. He looked so wise then, so powerful. I was proud to be his daughter, to be the heir to the throne. I found myself smiling, and quickly awakened myself, and headed to my room. Ladies do not space out in the main hall. It is unprofessional.

As I arrived, giving the order to change into warmer clothes, and as soon as I was being helped by the maids, my mind wondered to Luke. Would he truly be worried for my wellbeing? I doubted it, somewhat. However, I did long to see him, did wonder how he fared without me.

Most likely better.

Not that I would let that get to me though. I would greet him, and he would have to endure me. We were to get married, and he would have to get used to the thought.

Who knows, perhaps he remembered the promise. How much more pleasant he would be if he did…

Guy.

I felt shock run through me. I had almost forgotten about him, had fended of the thought of him so long I thought it would surely not return.

But now I wasn't busy. Oh, father…please let me worry, please let me be busy. If you do, then I wouldn't be able to think of _him_.

Guy, Guy, Guy…

Curse you. Curse you and this love I have for you.

* * *

When I had left him in the library, speechless, hopefully heartbroken, I had left those feelings with him. Wrong. It was completely wrong to love him, forbidden, bad, and just disgraceful. You made a promise to Luke, you had a country to represent. You would honestly let a few charming words, a handsome face, and a breathless kiss forget it all? Goodness!

Yes. I liked it. I am guilty of this fact, am right to be accused of it. I enjoyed his sweet words, how he would compliment me. I savored his presence, the mere fact that he was there, no one to disturb us, just the two of us. Friends, a secret crush, and the will to help those who served my country. Of course I looked forward to it, and was grateful for it all.

And the kiss?

Just the icing on top of the cake.

I admit I liked the kiss…no, more so I _loved_ it. His lips were soft, his touch so comforting…I loved him. As much as I am ashamed of it now, I loved Guy Cecil. He was a servant, one who would soon be my own as soon as I married Luke, but I loved him.

Then, he said it. Those words, and I realized, he spoke this way to all woman. Why was I any different? He could touch me…as much as I had reason to believe otherwise, Guy might've been that type of man. The one that led others on, who said things they didn't mean. The only reason he kissed me was because he could.

No. No, no, no. Guy was not like that, was he? …He might've been, for all I knew. I wasn't certain of how serious he was about me, about this.

Not that I would give him a chance. It was forbidden, and I would never let it happen. As a princess who is responsible for this country, for herself, I can't. Guy is off-limits and he shall always remain so.

I spoke to him harshly so as to discourage him, to break his heart. I meant none of it, my only goal was to insult him…Or did I mean those words? I wasn't sure; I was to treat him as such anyway, right? Yes, yes, Guy was a servant. He was required to call me _Princess_ Natalia out of respect, and he would never bring up such a scandal, ever. It was alright. To speak to him in such a manner was okay. I did no wrong.

Except fall for him.

But I could cover that up! I could ignore the feelings, the need, the want. It is disgraceful, it is hard…but I shall not love him. Ever. It is forbidden, and I will ignore these feelings.

Hopefully, Guy would as well. Seeing as how sad he looked when I had left him, I was assured. He would cease pursuing me. Of course. If he kept his feelings a secret, would cut all ties with me (only seeing me when necessary), then it would be fine. My image would be in no danger, my betrothal still held, and all would be fine.

It would be fine, just fine.

* * *

"Natalia, can we talk?"

I felt the panic hit my chest, my spine stiffen. No, no, no! Guy wasn't supposed to be talking to me! Why was he talking to me?!

"Natalia?"

I thought fast, then glared at him.

"It is _Princess _Natalia. Now if you excuse me, I must leave." I snapped at him, looking away. I had to go. Now. I couldn't speak to him; it would be too dangerous. I would be tempted and…and why was he talking to me? Why was he not avoiding me, as I had predicted?

I continued walking on, without even waiting for neither a response nor a change in facial expression. I heard footsteps following me, and cursed inwardly, walking faster. Still he followed.

"Natalia, wait, we need to-!"

"What?!" I turned to him on my heel, rage burning in my chest, angry at the situation, at him for having not given up. His clear, blue eyes widened in surprise, and I sighed a shaky breath, composing myself. Ladies must always be calm and courteous no matter the situation. Even with men who refused to give up pursuit, who still tried when they should very well give up.

"What is it, Guy? What do you need?" I sighed, and crossed my arms. Wrong. I should've walked away then gotten comfortable, then settled. I shouldn't be listening to him; I should be walking away. Don't even think he has a chance. It's wrong. Don't let him get to you. Don't.

"We need to talk." He replied sternly. How dare he. A servant, ordering me?

…I was supposed to think like this. I was supposed to think low of him. He was below me, only a servant.

No. No he wasn't. He was Guy. Guy, who would listen to my problems, who would comfort me, who I could talk to so easily. While leading such a chaotic and busy life, at my side, there he stood; ready to take care of me when I didn't have the time. When I was too busy, when the world stood over me, so intimidating, he was right by my side, helping anyway, asking for no payment in the end.

Then, when he did, asking for my love, I kicked him while he was down.

I shook all of this off. I would not cave in. Not now. He was Guy, but Guy was a servant, a servant who was off-limits.

"About what?" I found myself asking. No, no! I should've turned him down, should've walked away. Why am I still here? It…it doesn't make sense.

Or maybe, it does.

Maybe, it's love.

He was quiet for awhile, maybe trying to determine if I was willing to listen or not. Finally, he spoke, so softly, a whisper even.

"About us."

Then, I was walking. This was what I got for staying. Of course it would be about that; what else would it be?

"Wait, Natalia!"

"Guy."

I stopped, and turned to him. He looked hopeful, waiting on my next word. I felt the words in my throat. 'Sorry'. No, I couldn't say that, so instead…

"Where is Luke now?"

I saw the gleam in his eye, the heartbreak. Fine. Good, even. As long as he stopped pursuing me, it would be fine. His feelings were nothing to me.

…R-Right?

"…In his room."

"Thank you."

Then I walked, feeling as if I was running. I had to lose him, had to leave him as soon as I could. I could feel the guilt course through my body. No, no! Why would I feel bad for breaking the heart of a servant? He was nothing to me.

…No, he was Guy and I loved Guy.

I looked behind myself. He wasn't there; good. I held my head in my hands, leaning against the wall. My head ached, my mind too jumbled. It wasn't fair! If things were a bit different then maybe…

…Why am I considering a relationship with Guy? He was gone, myself already decided to leave him be. There was nothing to be gained with Guy, there was nothing that could happen. Even if I swallowed my pride, even if I opted for Guy then Luke, what then? We would be discovered, it goes without saying. It is most likely someone would find out. There is no doubt, none at all, in my mind.

A scandal. Father would be disappointed. The citizens would be ashamed of me. Kimlasca would have a stain on it's image. No, no, no. Wrong. It's wrong. I can't.

I repeat this to myself, and yet I still wonder how he is now. I'm so sorry, Guy…I-I…I have to do this. You don't understand.

…So even if I had left him, had tried to forget about him, he still had some sort of effect on me. I was drawn to him. I wanted to be by his side and even if my mind said it was wrong, my heart said it was quite alright.

He attracted me without knowing, not even trying. (Or maybe he did…). And, yes, I tried to fight against that force, tried to ignore him, it still didn't matter at the end.

He had a sort of gravity that I couldn't resist.

I soon found myself at Luke's door. No. I couldn't allow myself to be charmed. But I wanted to be in love with him.

I raised my fist and knocked.

"Who is it?"

I smiled. I hadn't heard that voice in so long…

"It's Natalia, Luke."

I heard him sigh, after that a shuffling of sheets, footfalls, and then, he opened the door. I was greeted with the face of my fiancé, his red hair framing it, so wild, so long. I smiled.

"Luke! It's been so long since I saw you!" I smiled, and tilted my head to the side a bit. "May I come in?"

I saw the annoyance in his expression. I was used to it now, to his dislike of me, to his attitude that left much to be desired.

"Well…" He trailed off, perhaps looking for an excuse. I sighed, and crossed my arms.

"Oh! So after I come back from such a long trip, after I haven't seen you for six days, you do not even have the manners to talk to me?!" I scold him. He glared at me.

"Geez, you're so demanding. Fine, fine, if you're going to be like that!" He huffed, standing to the side, allowing me to pass. I smiled. I had learned over the years that Luke had to be coaxed. I realized over the years that I wasn't _forced_ to put up with his behavior, and seeing as we were going to be married, of course I would have to make sure he would be a suitable husband, a suitable king. I wasn't so needy as to please him, as I was to see he become a proper gentleman.

So, I entered, keeping my mind preoccupied with him, shoving the thoughts of Guy aside, hopefully forever.

However, I knew myself well. I knew I loved him. I knew I didn't want to.

I knew I was confused.

* * *

That night, I had a lucid dream of him. Of course I would force myself awake.

The room was cold, and I gathered the sheets around me. My toes felt frozen, and I wiggled them for warmth. No, no still cold. I shivered, and held myself, the heavy comforter gathered around me. I sat up.

Guy. Guy was definitely a problem now.

But what could I do? I was madly in love with him (how embarrassing to admit it) and there was no way around it. I found he had wanted another chance. Against what I had thought would happen, unfortunately. I had hoped he would've avoided me, would refuse to see me after what I had said to him.

Did…Did I have to do more to chase him away? I didn't want to, but I had to. I don't think his, or my heart could handle anymore.

I felt the cold wrap me up, and I shivered again. I sighed, and got up, leaving the safety and warmth of my blankets. The floor felt cold on my feet, and I shivered once more, soon regretting having ever left my bed. I continued on nonetheless, like a hiker on a near-impossible mountain.

I looked outside my window; the sky was so clear…as it is always when it is cold. I could see every single star, all the bright pinpoints of the sky, the moon so vivid and full. I leaned my forehead against the window. Cold. Very, very cold.

Guy…Guy, I don't want to hurt you. But I don't want to betray my country either. I don't want to forget the promise I made with Luke.

Why? Why couldn't life be just a little more simple? A little different? Guy, what brought you to me? Fate? Did the Score have this recorded? 'The princess of Kimlasca-Lanvaldear shall be tempted by a servant of her fiancé and…' And then what? What should I do?

I sneezed, my head jerking, and I covered my nose. I shivered once more and sighed. I should return to my bed, should go back to the warmth, but I don't want to.

Guy, why haven't you given up on me? I said such cruel words to you…No; I'm not supposed to think of him in such a way. He is Guy, and he is my friend.

I find myself leaving my room, quietly, in this cold night. I shivered once more, opting to wear a bathrobe over my sleeping gown. It provided some warmth, but not enough. I shrug it off, and continue on my journey, with it's undetermined goal. The castle was quiet, so wide, so big, so empty. It felt like everyone in the world was gone, and I was the only one left. The last person on Auldrant, the only one to haunt these halls.

Or was I perhaps a ghost? I looked behind me. My sleeping gown trailed behind me, elegant and ethereal. I brushed my bangs out of my face, no headband to aid me now, the hair wild, filling in my cheeks and face. I suppose I _could_ pass as a ghost…

I laugh at myself. It's so cold, so quiet…is this another lucid dream? How nice. How comforting. How free.

I continue on, looking at the halls, the wallpaper and carpet. I hugged myself once more.

Guy…I want to love you. Trust me, I do. I want to be with you, and I want to hold you and kiss you and…everything else women wish to do with the men they are head over heels for. Trust me, I do. I am not just saying charming things as you tend to do.

I am confused. I'll admit that; there is no way for me to not admit to such a thing. I'm not sure what to do. I am cornered, with my duty as a princess, and my need as a woman. I love you, but I am not allowed to.

Guy, what would you do? No, no…I know. Seeing as how you pursued me earlier today, it is obvious. You don't care; you want to be with me. If you are willing to look over the fact that I insult you, it is obvious then.

But then what am I to do? I am not you, Guy. You don't have a lot to risk. You are only a servant. Maybe you will be fired, and, trust me, I can understand how that would make you feel…but for me it is more! I don't want to ruin the image of Kimlasca, and maybe Luke has changed, but we made a promise and I am staying to it. What would father say if I had an affair? He would surely be disappointed…and Aunt Susanne, and Duke Fabre…there are the citizens, my servants…the officials, the nobles…

You have no idea how much it would ruin me! I am the princess, the epitome of perfection, of elegance! Princesses do not indulge themselves in forbidden relationships. It is not possible.

Guy…Guy, I need to see you! I miss those days when you would listen to me rant, would hear my problems. How you would offer a helping me hand, help me down from the mountain of stress I had gotten myself stuck on. You are the only one I can talk to about this.

But what happens when you become the problem? Who am I to turn to then?

I only have questions, Guy, please give me some answers.

I walk down the hallways, eyes flickering from one painting to the next. I run my fingers over one, the oil feeling raised, the canvas rough. My mind is loud, jumbled, confused. I feel so lost, even in this castle, even in my own home.

I sit down, my legs underneath me, the silk of my gown touching my thighs. So smooth, so soft…I hug myself, only shivering once more.

Guy, I have no choice. I have to drive you away. There is too much at stake, there is too much to lose. I love you, but, my love, understand. I _have_ to do this. There is no other way. Please, understand. Please.

I love you.

I lay down, all of this traveling, all of my actions, on a whim. I use my arms as a pillow, and close my eyes.

I had awoken to a maid shaking my shoulder. She looked at me with worry, confusion. I didn't feel embarrassed. I was too tired to.

Whether I was tired of thinking or of being awake was debatable.

"Princess, are you alright?"

I sat up, covering my mouth as I yawned, disappointed to be pulled from such a peaceful doze.

"Yes…fine."

I looked to her. Her eyes looked so blue, so sharp…

"Come on," She smiled, helping me up, "Let's get you back to bed."

I obliged silently, just going with the motions, mind preoccupied as she led me back. I looked up to her.

"Pray tell, what is your name?"

She looked back to me, silent for awhile.

"…Sophie, your Highness."

* * *

Then, the days passed. Father sent word to His Imperial Majesty, and after four days word came back of his acceptance. It would take another four days for him to come, and the castle was busy with the news, with the work to greet him and prepare a room, and everything.

It was a busy time, and yet I wasn't preoccupied, that one thing, the thought of Guy, buzzing in the back of my mind. I tried to ignore it, but it was always there. Never could I forget. No, but I had to. With time, I would tell myself. With time.

I just had to be strong. Just had to stay strong. Strong.

I saw Guy. More so, he made himself known.

"Princess Natalia."

I looked over to the maid, and smiled. "Yes?"

"A person is here to see you…It's Guy-"

"Send him away."

I would always respond quickly. I couldn't see him. That would give him hope. As much as I missed him, his face, his words, his clear blue eyes…I couldn't. I couldn't see him.

I had to say no as soon as I could, before I would falter.

He still managed to catch me, though. Guy…you're so persistent. Whether it's a chivalrous thing, or a rather annoying thorn in my side is all based on the viewer.

"Natalia, wait!"

Of course I still had errands to run, I was still in charge of Personal Affairs, and had a job to do as thus. He was forbidden to accompany me, but he still tried to catch me.

I would walk faster, not even acknowledging him, letting him yell my name as much as he wanted. Maybe his throat would get sore one day. Hopefully.

Of course, it wasn't too serious at first. He didn't bother me too much at first, only calling out to me, giving up when I had turned a blind eye to him. Soon, he would pursue me, day after day, his diligence growing stronger with each passing time.

The weather got colder, and I soon adorned myself with myself winter wear, coat and all. And still, Guy followed after me like a lovesick puppy.

"Natalia, wait! We need to talk!"

It was another day, another chase. Yes, some people had looked to us, Guy not exactly creating a scene, more so attracting attention of those who were interested in anything else that was not what they had to worry about.

I walked briskly, hoping he would give up, perhaps even give up on me entirely.

Then, I heard a crash. "Ah!"

The wind hit me bitterly, and I turned around in spite of me, my worry overpowering my common sense. There Guy stood, both hands over his head, in them a flower vase clutched. He was wet, flowers and water littering his body. He looked surprised in a sort of way, like one would look after waking up from a dream that felt so real.

Other people were staring at him, and I could see his cheeks flush with embarrassment. Then, the door opened, a buxom women with red hair looking furious.

"What in the world-?!"

I took notice of the establishment; a flower shop. Guy had knocked over one of their displays, maybe from chasing me, too focused on his goal, not cautious enough to avoid reality and the surroundings. My guess was he had caught the flower vase the wrong way, spilling its contents upon himself.

He was quickly apologizing to the owner, offering to pay for it, and I took this chance to leave, to escape. I felt bad for Guy. Felt pity. How terribly fitting.

Soon, he sneezed.

Yesterday, I heard he got a cold. The water, mixed in with the cold weather…it was inevitable.

Of course I felt bad. Terrible. I wanted to apologize to him, wanted to take care of him. I fretted over the idea of Guy in bed, temperature high, sinuses foul.

However, I never went to visit him. I had to distance myself. Had to let him go. He would be fine, just fine on his own.

_Besides this means_, I thought to myself, _he will stop chasing me for awhile._

He didn't.

He was beginning to make it harder, soon sending me letters. Luckily they didn't reveal too much, only saying he'd love it if I could visit him again. At least he was smart. Seeing as we didn't live far from each other, he only asked servants to give them to me. He had connections. He was smart.

However, I began to miss him. I felt the repercussions of losing Guy. It felt lonely and quiet without him. When I would run my errands, get the job done, we would talk about things that didn't matter, or maybe they did to us, to other people. We talked politics, fonmachinery, ourselves, the people in our lives, life as it was now, Luke, Kimlasca, the war with Malkuth…we talked about everything. From what the cities of Belkend and Sheridan should try to invent next, to what our favorite dessert was. Petty things, deep subjects…I loved talking to Guy. He was a good listener, a person easy to hold a conversation with.

Now, as I walked the streets of Baticul, it was quiet. Was it always like this? Before Guy had come into my life…_was_ there a 'before' to Guy? It had been like that as long as I could recall…

It's scary how well he had fit into my life. It was hard to get him out now.

Then, I felt the stress pile up, ready to vent, and…he wasn't there. Or more so, allowed to _be_ there.

It was so…quiet without him. In my mind, I was trying to stay strong, and outside it was so…so cold. No, not with the sudden change in the weather, but also without having him by my side. Was I really that dependent upon him? How…How sad.

"Your Highness," I turned to the servant as he addressed me. "You have another letter."

I held my hand out for it, already predicting what is said, already knowing the sender. I sat at my desk, the one in my room, examining the envelope, not even sealed shut, no reason for it to be. After dismissing the messenger, I opened it nonetheless. Why did I still do that? There was no point, no reason…

…Still, I did this, confused with my own actions.

It read the same line, except he had asked for a reply this time, please. I sighed and tossed it on my desk, rubbing my temples. I held it up to the candle, to burn it like I did the rest of them, no response given. If I did, he would have hope, and hope was what I was trying to tear out of his grip, trying to make him forget.

I held it up to the candlelight, ready to place it near the edge, for it to crackle, to blacken, so I could soon toss it into a dish to burn on it's own, joining the rest of the ashes in there.

Then, my eye caught something.

I quickly jerked it back before the flame could catch it. I furrowed my brow in confusion, and held it up to the light, not the fire.

Words. They were transparent in the light, forming sentences, forming a whole different message.

_Natalia, _it began,_ how are you? I hope you find this; lemon juice can do wonders, you know._

It was like he was standing behind me, saying these exact words. They sounded so…so like him. Like Guy. The one I missed, and longed for back.

The one I was ignoring.

_I can understand why you want to avoid me. I know; it's forbidden. But I want to talk about it. Please, give me a chance to explain myself_.

I felt the tears well up in my eyes, held them back, and continued. No, I couldn't cry. If I cried…I'm afraid the tears wouldn't stop then.

_Natalia, I love you. And I think we both know you love me too. We just can't ignore this. Please…_

I read the last line, having to read it a second time to believe it was even there, that he had even written it. I closed my eyes, and held the letter to my chest, a hand over my mouth. I repeated the line once more in my mind.

_Talk to me, Natalia. Please. Talk to me._

I can't Guy. I can't. We can't have hope. These sorts of things only happen in romance novel, and as much as we wished there were such things as a 'happy ending' we both know it'll die in the end. That it will die, the passion will fade, and reality will slap us awake. Let's be realistic; after all, we're mature, aren't we? We have enough common sense, right?

I hugged it tightly, the letter. After awhile, after rereading it another time, I folded it neatly.

My mind was suddenly reeling. Did he use this method with the other letters as well? And, if so, what had he said? Did he still try, hopelessly reaching out for me? Asking for a hand of help, for another chance, a chance with me?

Well of course I would turn my back on him, would slap that hand away, with tears in my eyes.

I grabbed a piece of stationary, an envelope, and a pen. I would only give him this reply…It was alright. It wasn't giving him hope. This letter would only kick him while he was down.

_Guy,_

_Please cease pursuing me. I have no desire at all to speak with you._

_From,_

_Natalia_

That was all I needed. That was all he needed to give up, and hopefully this would the last nail in the coffin, the final push to throw him off the edge, To give up.

Of course, it was all wishful thinking. I could only hope.

I slipped the folded letter into the envelope, sending a servant off to deliver it to him. It was the same one who had escorted me back to my room on my evening wander. I think…Sophie. Yes, yes, it was Sophie. That was her name.

"As quickly as you can, if possible."

She looked at me, then to the letter. She nodded slowly. "As you wish, your Highness."

The next afternoon, he replied. Not as planned.

I knew what to look for this time, holding it up to the light.

_Natalia, please consider. It wouldn't hurt to talk. I'm not even asking you to get into a relationship with me. I just want to talk. Just that._

Of course it would hurt. It would give us hope. Hope was the one thing we needed to lose.

I responded once more, asking him, politely, to drop the subject and to not respond. He did anyway. Guy wasn't the type to give in easily, it seemed.

This time, the letter was blank. I furrowed my brow in confusion, but held it up to the light anyway.

_I love you._

And he won. Guy won the battle. He was an opponent too powerful to fight against, too full of expectation, too compelling. With those three words, those simple words, he won. I couldn't fight him, couldn't ignore him any longer. He wasn't going to give up hope, he was going to love me as long as he could, even if I rejected him so harshly.

I lost. Guy was going to keep pursuing me, and there was nothing I could do to stop that.

I felt my shoulders shake, and the tears form. I let them spill over, trail down my cheeks. His message had been so simple, yet so full of meaning. These words, so clear, so infinite, held so much power. I found myself studying Guy's handwriting, the first letter a little word larger then the rest, the text so clear-cut, so neat…like Guy. A little bit of him right here with me. He sent his feelings, himself to me, hoping I would comply. I would give in.

All because he loved me. In the end, he was doing all of this because he loved me. And God…I loved him, too.

I imagined him writing these letters, cooped up in his room, cold still plaguing him. Confident, optimistic, never willing to give up, a box of tissues at his side, the only thing driving him was his hope.

All for me. Me, me, me.

I hugged it to my chest, and began to cry. I wanted him near me. I wanted him. I wanted to hold him, and I wanted to kiss him, and I wanted to be with him.

Why couldn't life be just a little more different? Why did I ever have to have met him in the first place? Why…Why must life be so cruel?

It felt hot, it tasted like salt, these tears. I got out another piece of stationary, pen in hand, ready to just write it all there. All these bottled up feelings, all these words that wanted to be said, wanted to be let out. Everything I wished to say to him, that I couldn't.

_Guy, I love you. I want to_

I soon scribbled out the words, stopping myself before I could write anymore. Writing it out, admitting it, meant I had hope. No. I couldn't. I tore up the paper, letting the pieces fall to my side, my hand limp at my side. I watched it absentmindedly; it was like snow. My feelings, all kept in my head, some of them rejected, lying defeated on the floor in small, white pieces. I held myself.

Cold. I felt so cold.

* * *

"It is a joy to have you visit our country, Emperor Peony."

"I'm glad to bring that joy."

"I'm sure you know my daughter, Natalia?"

A smile. So perfect, so well poised. Back straight, hands clasped before myself, shoulders squared, feet planted next to each other. I curtsied, so graceful, a slight bow of the head. I raised myself, another smile.

"I am pleased to meet you, Your Imperial Majesty."

He smiled back, a smile that looked like it was so worn, but in a good way, like he did it often. Fitting his tan face so well, his blond hair framing his features. I had to admit, the Emperor was handsome, in a sort of easy-going style.

"Likewise." He nodded. He had such a young voice. He seemed so young, so full of energy, of life. He contrasted father a lot, my father who was aged, a cane to hold him now, then his own back. I looked to the Emperor's side, a colonel with chin-length brown hair, glasses, a sort of intelligent look to him. I assumed this to be Colonel Jade Curtiss; the Emperor's rumored right hand man.

"And you, Colonel. Is it safe for you to be away from the battlefield?" Father asked him, only out of courtesy. Of course we would not worry on our enemy's state in war.

He smiled a strange smile…like he was laughing at you inwardly, or he knew something you didn't, amused at your ignorance.

"Seeing as we've both put our troops on hold, I don't think we have anything to worry about, your Majesty. Besides, General Frings has been doing a fine job of it, in my place. Thank you for the concern, though."

Father nodded, and turned to the maids standing by.

"I am sure your trip was a weary one. I have prepared rooms for you, and insist that you rest here. We shall discuss the signing of the treaty tomorrow."

Peony nodded. "Sounds good."

Soon, they were walking to their rooms, the maids escorting them. I looked to father, and he smiled a weary smile.

"So far, so good."

I nodded in agreement. "Father, am I needed here? I…I would like to go out for a walk, if it is not too much to ask."

"Of course. Do you want anyone to come with you?"

"No, I will be fine."

"Be sure to wear a coat."

I smiled inwardly, touched by his actions and his care. I nodded.

"I will."

* * *

Three days. I suppose he would've healed by then. Would be back on his feet, ready to stalk his prey once more. As much as I evaded him, he still tried to catch me, like a child after a butterfly. So beautiful, so tempting I had been to him. With net in hand, he swiped at me, trying to bring me to him. I fluttered as fast as I could though, not allowing him a victory, a way to achieve his goal.

"Natalia!"

I walked faster. I had forgotten his chases, had forgotten to be cautious. Yet here I was, flying away once more, as fast as I could. I found myself walking toward an aircar. Fine, fine, I had no real destination anyway. As long as I lost him, it would be fine.

However, as fast as I pulled down the switch, he was already in there with me, alone, just the two of us, heading to wherever this machine would take us. I cursed myself over and over, realizing I had made my situation that much worse.

He looked me over, and for once in a long while, I was able to see Guy. His handsome face, his clear, blue eyes…All of it came back to me. I found myself remembering things that were better left forgotten, too; his smell overtaking me as his lips were placed over my own…

No, no, no. I shoved these thoughts into the back of my mind, to collect dust. Unable to be forgotten, but easily ignored.

"Natalia, we need to talk." He spoke slowly, and I looked away from him, edging to the separate end of the car, my hands feeling the railings, the metal so cold, even through the fabric of my gloves. I felt the wind blow, and I shivered. I never liked riding the aircars during winter, for the wind would blow on you, the altitudes making it colder. I ignored this though, and sighed.

"Fine," I shook my head, holding my hands up in defeat. "Then talk."

I didn't look to him. Fine, I would let him talk. It was not as if I would agree with whatever he said though, of course. I would reject him, nonetheless. Always, I would.

"Do you love me?"

I stayed quiet, pulling my coat around me tighter, just to do something. The fabric felt heavy, comforting, like a blanket.

"…Sadly enough, yes."

"We can't ignore this."

I turned to him, angry. Didn't he think I knew that? Did he honestly think I had a choice?

"Yes," I said, sternly, "we can."

He frowned, disappointment in his pose, his features. I looked him straight in the eye, refusing to falter, refusing to be caught. Maybe he would give up the chase, would decide to go after different game that did not make it so difficult?

"Natalia…"

"Guy, I can't love you." I shook my head. The wind hit my face once more, my cheeks feeling cold, and I shivered. I ignored it though, all this unpleasantness, my eyes only on him, my mind only focused on him.

"Yes, you can."

A whisper. No, no, no! Why wouldn't he give up? Why wouldn't he just swallow his pride, wake up from his illusions, and just move on? Why?

I felt the unfairness of it all rise in my chest, the anger, the annoyance for it all. The situation was proving too difficult, I had no where to vent…

"It's wrong!" I yelled at him, not caring to look proper, just for the world to stop being so spiteful. So unreasonable.

His face was calm, even when another gush of wind hit us, his hair moving with it, his body still firmly planted where he stood, while I shivered.

"The only one holding you back," he spoke softly, "is yourself."

It was like he had slapped me in the face. Honestly? He was making it sound like _he _was the victim, and I was the irrational one! He knew very well why I couldn't; it was not up to me. It was the situation, our statuses, that was at fault. I played no willing part in it!

I shook my head at him, no words to be spoken, none wanting to be used. I spoke nonetheless, trying to make him see it my way.

"Guy, I'm engaged."

"I know."

I was taken back by his sudden answer, but decided to go on, nonetheless.

"It's forbidden."

"I know."

"This could cause a scandal if we were found out! It would tarnish the Lanvaldear name!"

"I know."

I looked at him confused. Did he not know what he was saying? Or maybe did he…?

"…Do you not care?" I asked, softly. He smiled, and nodded.

"Not at all."

"…But you still want to be with me?"

"Yes."

I sighed in anger, and shook my head. No, no, no! Give up on me, move on! It would be better that way!

Soon the aircar jerked slightly to a stop, the doors opening. I couldn't stand him. I didn't want to see him. I looked to where we had stopped. Baticul castle. How oddly convenient.

"Are you suggesting I have an affair with you, Guy?!" I asked him, trying to break him, trying to make him see it wouldn't work out, it wouldn't happen. I didn't move from where I stood, and he stayed as well. On the aircar, wind hitting us, my coat being pulled closer to me by my own hands.

"No, no!" He shook his head. "Of course not! I'm just asking that you consider-"

"I can't."

My words were firm, my will not allowing itself to be shaken. I tried to ignore my heart aching, my body quivering at his words, at the defeat I could see in his eyes. Stop looking at me like that. You make it harder on me, more difficult to turn you away.

I looked away from him, crossing my arms, just for something to do.

"Please stop chasing me, also. It's harassment."

I decided it was time to leave, noticing a pair of nobles walk toward the aircar, and I turned on my heel, heels click-clacking.

"Natalia, please don't put it like that."

We passed the crowd, safe to talk again, my heart beating in fear in the thought of anyone else hearing us.

I looked behind myself. He was following, refusing to give up on the hunt, on the possibility of love. Soon he was walking next to me, my own speed no match for his. Or was I walking slowly on purpose? I wouldn't rightly know.

"Tomorrow."

I stopped in my tracks, and looked up to him. I wasn't expecting this response.

"Pardon?"

"Can you meet me tomorrow? At the port?"

"Guy, I can't-"

"Just hear me out. I…Let's talk about this, Natalia. Please."

I had well gotten over his use of my real name, soon believing he would begin treating me with respect after he had given up on me. I looked to the side, and hugged myself, shivering from the cold. I couldn't bear looking into those eyes, those sad, painful eyes, any longer.

"…I can't. We have a meeting with Emperor Peony tomorrow, regarding the peace treaty."

I suddenly realized I had an excuse, thankful that I would not have to lie to him.

I knew I was breaking his heart, but I didn't care. I was doing the same to myself, so there.

"…I see. S-Sorry."

"If you'll excuse me then." I quickly replied, walking faster. Don't look back, I told myself. Don't you dare look at him. You had won the battle, he had given up, no more pursuits, no more chases…you had your win. Now the easiest part of walking from the battlefield, away, to forget it all ever happened, was all that was left.

"Natalia."

I stopped again, out of instinct, the distance between us much larger. I found myself waiting on his words, on what he would say. Was I truly _this_ weak-willed? How shameful.

"…Yes?"

I never turned to look at him, keeping the promise to not give him any sign of hope, to myself. I could at least do this right.

"I love you."

"…"

"A lot. I don't care if it's wrong. Princess Natalia…"

_Stop. _I begged him,_ please stop. Don't say it. Please, dear God, just don't say it._

"Princess Natalia, I'm in love with you."

I swallowed, the lump forming in my throat, the tears welling in my eyes, as I tried to blink them away. Damn him.

"…Good for you then."

I must've been running. It felt like it. I must've ran from there, from him, trying to not let these feelings catch up to me. I began to sniffle. Just as I thought, the tears wouldn't stop after I cried only one, and I found myself running to my room, avoiding all questions, all the worried glances. Trying to not feel the pain, trying to ignore him, his love, the love I wanted.

Was he _trying_ to make this harder on me? He was cruel. Very.

* * *

They were dead. I should've known as much, what with the cold weather being so harsh, so cruel. It had suffocated them, and now they would have to sleep, until the weather would grow warmer, would embrace them, rather then choke them.

I held a limp hand up to them, taking a cold leaf in-between my forefinger and thumb. I broke it off, just for something to do, and looked down at it, as if it could answer my questions, could make the situation more bearable, like it would grant my wish, if I hoped long enough.

Who was I kidding? The gaillardias were dead, and my love for Guy would never follow the same fate.

But what could one do? It wasn't right it was…

_I love you._

I replayed the scene in my mind, covering each line, like a scene from a tragic romance. I was living one, and it wasn't as fascinating as people would think. It hurt, and it made my heart ache and…and I hated it. I hated this. All of it.

I remembered his voice so clear, so confident. He wanted to be heard, wanted to remind me why we were going through this torture, through all of this.

_A lot. I don't care if it's wrong…Princess Natalia…Princess Natalia, I'm in love with you._

He was so to the point, so straightforward. I wondered how he looked. Confident? Sad? His fists clenched at his side, his eyes only looking at me, his heart desperate for me, and only me.

Why did he say it? 'Princess' Natalia? Was this a show that he was giving up? That it was his last offer, his last chance. He threw the bait, wanting me to catch on, but I only turned away. I got what I wanted, anyway. For him to give up. We could never go back to our previous friendship, too awkward, better left dead. I was sad at this thought. Guy was a joy to be around, to talk to, to be with. I suppose I would have to cut all ties, would have to act as if it all never happened. I would only be allowed to see him when I had to. I began to try to hold myself up, tried to cheer up by planning how to cover up all the damages this small incident had done.

Obviously, I would have to talk to Guy, and have him agree to never speak about it. Yes, yes, Guy was kind. He wouldn't do something like ruin my reputation out of spite. No, he was mature, level-headed, and would agree quietly. Maybe with his eyes downcast, his face so sad…

…No. Stop thinking about that.

I'd have to get back on track with my engagement. Perhaps I should visit Luke again, soon. Maybe make more of an effort to get close to him. I'm sure there had to be _something_ he was interested about in Kimlasca…Or maybe we should talk about the marriage? No, no, he hated that…

…And at times, when I spoke about it, Guy seemed sad. I just noticed it now, taking a second look at my memories with him. Why…why didn't I see it before…?

No! No, I need to stop think about him and…and…

Oh, who am I kidding?

It was such a heavy weight, such a burden to carry. To forget him, to forget everything I knew about him. I learned everything about Guy: his emotions, his quirks, the small things that all made him. I was struggling under the weight and, this time, I had no one to help me. When I went to vent to Guy, tell him everything that was wrong with me, he would nod, give soft words of comfort, a small pat on the back. So subtle, so warm, clothe against clothe.

But, now, I was driving him away. And no one was there to help me. I was struggling, and I had only myself to blame.

I sighed, plucking off another cold leaf, so dry, so dead. I broke it in two, a crackling coming from it. I ripped it in two again, and just crushed it between my palms, letting the flakes sprinkle to the ground. Just like the letter that was meant for him, never to meet him, never to see the inside of an envelope. Only the warmth of a flame.

"Oh, so this is where you are."

I nearly jumped out of my skin, my head sharply turning to the intruder. For awhile I thought it was Guy, ready for another chance, thinking maybe I was more accepting this time.

But, no. It was Emperor Peony.

"Your Imperial Majesty? What are you…?" I asked, trailing off. I didn't want to talk to anyone, wanted to be left alone with my thoughts, but he was a guest. Courtesy came before one's selfish needs.

"Thought I'd see the garden." He shrugged, looked around, then laughed. "But maybe that's a bad idea to do it in this cold weather, huh?"

I forced a smile. "I'm sorry you weren't able to see them in the spring. They're very lovely; the flowers."

He was silent for awhile, then stepped closer, close enough to be by me. I was a little surprised for awhile. I had no reason to fear him. No, he was the enemy's leader, but he was in our land. I was safe.

He looked me straight in the eye, smile falling from his face, to a frown. He suddenly looked serious, and I was scared. Not of him, but this swift change.

"What's his name?"

It took me awhile to realize what he said, not yet realizing what in the world he was asking about. "Pardon?"

"That blond servant. With the sword. What's his name?"

Fear. _Now _I could be afraid.

"…You mean Guy?"

I quickly cursed myself. Why didn't I play dumb? It would've been so much easier…

The wind blew by me, my coat hugged tightly to myself. I noticed his cloak fly with the hit, soon returning to where it had been previously. He looked strange with his cloak and tan skin… Winter clothes and summer complexion. Surreal, but in a normal sort of way; if that makes any sense, of course.

I laughed to myself. Why was I getting worked up? Perhaps I was jumpy because of everything that was happening with Guy. No one else knew; maybe he was just interested in him. I felt my shoulders relax, and I smiled inwardly. Safe. Don't worry. Just act normal.

"Yeah, him." He smiled, like he was remembering the name of an old friend, maybe catching a word that had been on the tip of his tongue, finally realizing what it was. I smiled back, feeling a need to.

"What of him? If you want to know, he already is working for Duke Fabre, and I don't think he'd let him work for Malkuth, so…"

I felt hopeful, but broken-hearted. If Guy moved to Malkuth…I wouldn't have to see him. Wouldn't have to be reminded of the love I had hungered for. Wouldn't have to be reminded of the man who had caught my heart.

It was both a positive and negative thing.

He shook his head. "Oh no, no, I don't want to hire him. I have enough servants as it is, don't worry." He shook his head, then tilting it to the side. "What, are you going to miss him?" He asked with a coy smile. I felt my ears heat, warming up what was once cold in this weather. I shook my head, and frowned.

"Of course not! He is only a servant, after all."

"Princess Natalia…"

His tone was so…mocking. Like he was showing evidence I had tried to hide, proven me wrong, right on the spot. Smug and satirical. Not in a manner of spitting at your feet, but showing you up, more so. I frowned, my eyebrows furrowing, and I pursed my lips, crossing my arms, leaning my weight on one leg, all skeptical.

"Yes?"

"I love you."

I felt the shock run through my bones, his tone not matching the message. Like he was repeating something.

Something he wasn't allowed to hear.

"A lot. I don't care if it's wrong…" He shook his head, blonde hair falling across his shoulder as he threw his head back in a quick sort of snap motion, a strange nod of acknowledgement. The dread made me stiffen. No, no, no! He knew? He knew?!

"Princess Natalia, I'm in love with you." He finished, like letting go of the rope, letting the guillotine fall straight on my exposed neck. Bang. Pulled the trigger, shooting me even if I was looking at him with confusion, with fear. He was using the same words as Guy, a bitter reminder. He was saying them with such a mocking tone, however, it was like a twisted version. Not like the desperation Guy had when he said it, but like pointing out a truth, proving one guilty.

I felt the fear keep me from saying anything. How did he know? He just got here yesterday; there is no way the information could have traveled to Malkuth without word reaching father, without giving repercussions here in Kimlasca first. So how? Did anyone see us and tell him? No, no, he is the leader of Kimlasca's enemy country, of course they wouldn't. At least, no one from _here_…

Guy?

No. He's smarter then that. If he hasn't told Luke or Father, he definitely wouldn't tell his Imperial Majesty.

All these thoughts rushed through my head, not letting me see them clearly, or think any of it through. My head was spinning, but I only glared at the man in front of me, the one who knew too much.

He smiled. "…That's what he said, right?"

Like a slap to the face. I looked away from him, chewing on the inside of my cheek nervously. He turned away from me, looking up to the sky, so gray. I felt the cold wind hit us again, the drying branches of the garden rattling like cursed bones. I shivered, glancing to him. He seemed fine. Strange, seeing as it was always so warm and humid in Grand Chokmah.

"…How do you know that?"

I was a bit taken back at how I sounded, so quiet, so angry. Like he had crossed a line, like he had done something he wasn't meant to. Going too far, only smiling, like he was saying 'What now, huh?'

It was quiet for awhile, a pause keeping me on the edge, a conversational cliffhanger.

"…He's loud."

"Excuse me?"

"Guy, right? I was walking back to the castle, when lo and behold…" He turned to me then, face serious, "…I see the princess with a servant confessing his love."

I cursed Guy over and over. In front of the castle, Guy?! Honestly! Of course someone would hear, why didn't you think it through you…you…

Lovesick fool.

I shook my head. "It means nothing. He is _nothing_ to me."

My voice sounded so stiff, so snobbish. That's fine. I don't care. I have _nothing_ to prove to this man anyway. He was an enemy, an enemy who knew too much.

"…Then why did you cry?"

I looked to him, his face still serious. I hated this man. More so, disliked being around him. You had nothing to hide, nothing to keep safe. All he did was persist the matter, shove the evidence in your face, and dared you to prove him wrong.

…At least, that was what I thought of him then. His image improved in my mind later, but…cornered like this, what else would I think of him?

"I…" I said slowly, "…was _not_ crying."

He stared me straight in the eye with those blue eyes, so clear, like Guy's. So very blue…not the exact color, but still so interesting…

"You love him, don't you?"

Then, tearing myself from those clear, deep blue eyes, I decided I had enough. I turned on my heel, uttering a "This conversation is over", and walked briskly. I seemed to be running from men all the time, these days.

"Hey, wait!"

I walked quickly, not sure how fast he was, not wanting to find out or test myself and him. Suddenly I felt him grab my arm, and jerk me back a bit, hard to catch myself before falling, heels not exactly the best footwear to gain balance in. I tripped, and suddenly I felt his other hand on my shoulder, helping me. His hands were so warm, so soft. A noble's hands.

"Wait. I just want to talk, okay? I'm not going to bite."

He laughed at the end of this, like we were old friends. How dare him. Order me around, a man who knew too much….

He eased me up, his body heat close to mine, towering me. He turned me around, and motioned to a bench, black wires creating a seat and art, all at once.

"How about we sit? Would that make you comfortable?"

I continued to glare at him, still distracting. I wasn't going to get out of this, was I?

Well, this time, I wasn't going to run from the situation. I was going into the battle, taking any lengths to win the fight. I sighed heavily, showing my annoyance on purpose. Maybe he would take a hint?

"Fine." I huffed, walked to the bench, sitting down with a thump, crossing one leg over the other, arms crossed as well. I would sit it out. No retreating; I was going to fight and win. No matter what.

He was soon sitting next to me, leg closer then it should be to mine, as I inched a way a bit. He position one arm over the top of the bench, bent at the elbow, the other at his side, his fingers drumming on the metal. I was a bit annoyed by this motion, but decided to not pursue it. I would be out of here soon. It would be fine. Just fine.

"…What do you want from me?" I asked sharply. He looked to me, surprised a bit, like he didn't know he had company, then smiled and shrugged.

"Nothing."

"What are you going to do with this information?"

Smiled again, shrugging. "Nothing."

"…What is your aim?" I asked finally. He laughed, catching me off guard.

"You make it sound like I'm going to blackmail you! Wow, you're serious about everything, aren't you? That's cute." He gave me a lop-sided smile, so casual, so unlike an emperor. To think, _he_ was the successor, it was…It's a wonder Malkuth is our enemy with such a carefree man leading them.

Also, the 'cute' comment made me grimace. To call a princess cute, so easily? My goodness…what _lovely_ etiquette this man has.

Still has it to this day. To give me such a swimsuit…

I digress.

"Then why do you pursue the matter?" I asked him quickly, wishing to leave, to leave this topic behind as well. I expected him to say something else in a playful way, but was only met with silence, nothing else. I was the bride left with the engagement ring, her fiancé nowhere to be found.

"…I want to help."

Help? What a lie.

"Why would you do that, hm? How in the world would it benef-"

"It's because you two are from different statuses, isn't it?"

I was cut off by him, surprised at this, hearing his fingers still drumming away on the metal. I blinked in confusion, realizing what he was asking, and nodded slowly.

"Y-Yes, what of-"

"And you love him. A lot. Don't you?"

The emperor seemed sad, seemed solemn. Like remembering a bitter old memory. I looked around myself, tugging at the hem of my skirt just to do something, the fabric stretching. I was wearing my gloves, unable to feel it's smooth and soft texture, his fingers movement still our background music.

I felt his knee bump against mine, a subtle action, but one unnerving, nonetheless. I inched away again.

"…Yes."

"But it's forbidden."

I looked up to him, too curious to prevent myself from asking.

"Emperor Peony, do you have experience on the subje-?"

"Tell me."

I was cut off once more, and he looked to me, a sad smile on his face. I felt his knee brush against mine, his fingers quitting their play, abruptly.

"How much do you love him?"

I stayed silent. Was it alright to say?

"Do you miss him, even now?" He continued, "Do you wish things could be just a _little_ bit different, so you guys could be together?"

_Yes._ I told him, deciding to keep it to myself. I learned it was a rhetorical question, and let him continue.

"Wish to be with him? You know; forget being a noble and whatever?"

_Yes._ I agreed once more. His simple rhetorical questions were bringing up emotions in me, the ones associated with Guy. Love, hope, desperation, need…all there, all for him.

"Tell me, Princess…" He spoke slowly, carefully, "How much do you love him."

Suddenly my eyes were wet, and I blinked away the tears.

"…I love him…with _all_ my being. But…I'm engaged and…it would never happen." I sighed, and shook my head. Strange how before I was longing for someone to listen to my problem, and now the enemy, a man with no proper manners, but plenty of time to listen, was here.

I didn't care. I was grateful. I would take about anything, really, right then and there.

He laughed again, catching me off guard. I still felt the warmth of his knee on mine, but didn't bother to pull away. It was cold.

" 'With all my being?' You're very passionate about everything, aren't you? Really tenacious and dramatic. I like that." He winked, playfully. I felt a blush enflame my face, and I glared at him.

"What a rude thing to say!" I huffed, and looked away. He was flirting with me. I could tell. He was different than the only flirting I received, the ones Guy didn't mean, only doing it on accident. With Guy, he was innocent, naïve. Unaware of his actions. With the emperor, however, it was…rude. Like an invasion of privacy. I more so favored Guy's charming words, than the ones I was getting now.

"Oh, come on, don't be like that." He cooed, tilting his head to the side to get a better look of me. I glanced to him without meaning to, his blonde hair falling with the movement, like a golden curtain. I suddenly noticed he had a hair ornament hanging from a few strands, shaped like a diamond, so very blue. He was an interesting person to look at, a pattern on every article of clothing, like a walking art-novue portrait. Something new to notice on his person, so exotic. So lovely to take in, so enticing to look at.

It's a shame about his personality.

I sighed heavily, making my discomfort and annoyance apparent on purpose.

"…Why did you want to know that? My attraction to Guy?" I asked, getting to the point, my cheeks red. I couldn't believe I let him gush my feelings like that, like a smitten, breathless, romance heroine. How terribly embarrassing; a princess should have more control of her emotions, must always be the epitome of elegance and perfection. Not lust and infatuation.

He was quiet once more, and his fingers began to drum on the iron again, _th-th-thump._

"Because I know exactly how you feel."

I looked to him with surprise. So I was right? The emperor…had a first-hand experience at this? His face was solemn, his eyes looking ahead, not at anything in particular, just…seeing, not particularly looking.

And yet, he continued, his fingers still raising and falling in a wave, one at a time. _Th-th-thump, th-th-thump._

"Of course," He continued, quietly, "It never worked out."

Then, he stopped, and leaned forward, elbows on knees, head cradled in his hands. Suddenly, he didn't look like the exotic, young emperor, one who was so carefree, so nonchalant. He looked…older. Mature. Like retelling a painful experience, one he wished had never happened, had ruined that image, had forced him to show him at his worst. I wasn't sure what to say, and blinked for awhile. I looked down, our knees still touching, the warmth still there. Keeping us connected, like a pair of handcuffs, making sure neither of us would leave, that we'd both endure this. Something to share together.

"…Who was she?" I asked quietly, my curiosity still piqued, as much as it shouldn't be. He stayed quiet for awhile, and shook his head.

"It doesn't matter." He whispered, then sighed. "I fell in love with her when we were kids." He began, cutting off anymore pursuit I wanted to start. I decided it was probably better to not pry, and let him continue.

"Of course, being the emperor's son, I never told her. We still became friends, and…we fell in love."

I listened intently, knowing when to be polite and quiet. I found myself wondering how it all went, how it ended, so tragically.

Maybe what Guy and me would be. Perhaps a road we would tread, knowing it was all doomed anyway. Maybe I wanted to avoid that path. Wanted to know what to look out for.

"She loved me." He whispered, in a sad tone, like one speaking about a dead loved one. "So much."

I leaned forward, to get a better view of him, the wind playing with our hair again, yet neither of us noticed, so engrossed in much more important things. Myself in his story, him in the past.

"Then, I was ordered to rule, to take the throne, and we ended it. Well, we kept in contact. Sent her a letter every time I could."

I had a sudden remembrance of the letters Guy sent me, the real meanings hidden in lemon juice. The previous ones all curling, blackening when I set them aflame, his love all in ashes.

I shrugged this off. I pursed my lips, and he finally glanced to me, so very pained.

"…Why did it end?" I asked quietly. He kept his eyes on me, so clear and dark.

"About Guy." He began, avoiding my question, "What are you going to do about him? Are you going to go with him?"

I wanted to hear the rest of his story, about this mysterious woman, but answered him anyway. I scooted my knee closer into his, and looked to the side.

"No. I've decided to give up on him."

I looked back to him, for a nod of approval, maybe saying 'That'd be for the best.' As one who has experienced this pain, he should know how it should be, right?

Except all he showed me, was a frown, a furrowing of the brow, like one looking at a misbehaving child. Disappointment, disgust…something to that effect.

"Why? He makes you happy, doesn't he? I mean, you _cried_ for him. Shouldn't that be enough?" He asked, disbelieving. I frowned, and sat back, inching my knee away a bit, just to do something.

"Yes," I spoke slowly, "But there's too much at risk."

"Isn't that love? Taking risks?"

"Perhaps, but it isn't worth it."

"He's not worth it?"

"Not at all."

He was silent for awhile, and I only stared ahead, the tree's branches so skeletal, so bare. The cobblestone paths were littered with dead leaves. Everything looked so lifeless, what with the sky gray, the flowers dead.

"…How do you _sleep_ at night?"

I was shocked awake, and looked to him with what I hoped was an offended look on my face. He was frowning, his eyebrows furrowed.

"_Excuse_ me?" I snapped, neither used to nor supportive of such rude behavior. He shook his head.

"Just go with him! I mean, if you're careful, you should be fine!" He sighed, exasperated, perhaps having enough of me. Maybe I was too preoccupied with myself to notice his current take of me. I looked at him, annoyed.

"But what if we get caught?"

"Exactly! 'What if'!" He sat up, his hands raised up in a 'What's wrong with you?!' sort of pose, open-palmed and held out to me. "You can't be sure! That's life; it's full of chances! So don't just run away because you're _afraid_!"

He was pushing it. I felt the anger burn on the back of my neck, and sat up, arms crossed firmly across my chest.

"What would you know anyhow?! A Malkuthian telling me this?!" I huffed, angered at the fact that the _enemy_ was calling_ me_ a coward. The nerve!

He looked at me, his hands falling on his lap, just tired of me and my perseverance. He shook his head, his forehead creased, his stance firm. Neither of us was willing to submit to the other's ideals, to the other's side. A battle of the wills, or a petty argument, call it what you will, it won't matter to me.

"Where I'm from has nothing to do with this," He spoke slowly, his voice rigid, "We're both human. And _you_… are a coward."

I began to snap back a response until he cut in, apparently not finished.

"I never told you what happened to her, did I?"

I was confused, caught off guard. We were in a match, a battle, and suddenly he lowered his sword, not shielding himself, not attacking, just standing there, surprising me. I was all raring to go, but suddenly the storm, the energy was dying down. Like the eye of the storm, soon starting again just as soon as it passed.

"Excuse me?"

"The woman I was in love with."

I remembered the previous cop out, the way he avoided my question answering with his own. It seemed so long ago, even if it had only been a few minutes. I bit my lower lip, and nodded slowly.

"What of her? What…What happened?" I asked quietly, still on my guard. I felt his knee onto mine again, myself so used to the warmth, surprised at this a bit.

"When I took the throne, she sent me a letter." He began, slowly, his voice not full of sadness like before, but regret. Of what, I never learned. "The last one."

I felt my heart beat rapidly, the climax of the story only around the corner, waiting to jump out at me. I braced myself for the hit, the finale.

"What…What did it say?"

He turned to me then, eyes looking into mine, so deep, so clear. His jaw-line tightened, his face so serious, battle left behind, damage the only thing rewarded.

"She got married."

Suddenly, another gust of wind hit us, and I flinched, leaves flying around our feet, yet he stayed there, keeping his stance, staying strong. Just like Guy on the aircar when he said I was the only one holding myself back. I could take a risk, could jump of the edge, could risk it all.

But no. It's not worth it. It's not, it's not, it's not.

"If you're not careful," He whispered, so quietly, some blond strands flying across his face, "he could move on. Without you."  
His words were so definite, so powerful, so solid, I had nothing to fight back with. He used his strategy well, and without me knowing, he won the battle, the war. His reward?

My silence.

He sighed and shook his head. "…Think about it for awhile. Just…choose wisely."

Then, he patted my knee with his hand, so big, so warm, and got up. His knee left mine, breaking off the physical contact, the touch that kept both of us together, that kept us there. And I never said anything. Not when he took one last look at me with those clear, deep, blue eyes, not when he turned on his heel, boots crushing dry leaves underneath them, his figure slowly disappearing into the sad scene. Sky gray, trees bare, cloak flowing behind him. Like a painting, a sad, monotone painting.

And then, he turned the corner, and disappeared.

And then, my mind once again erupted in questions.

What if Guy moved on? He had given up on me, had decided I would have none of him. It was legitimate. It would happen.

But what of his phobia? No, no, Guy wouldn't leave me. No. He wouldn't.

…No. He could. One day, he'll get over that fear. And…he'll find love with another. Not me. Another woman. A woman who would not be me. She would have all the kisses I longed for, the love I wanted. The love I would never have.

And when Guy would move on, I would just be a mistake. A crush taken too far, infatuation embarrassing to admit it ever happened. He would regret he ever fell for me, ever saw something in me.

And I would be a mistake to the man I loved, the one I gave up.

Oh God.

I hugged myself, the wind cold, my knee feeling the warmth provided by Emperor Peony leave slowly, second by second. Just like Guy.

It was like the dream I had. His hand held out to me, calling my name, wishing me to take it. But this time, I ran from him, and he chased _me_. But he caught up, next to me, waiting for me to stop, to hear him out. For me to lay with him in the flower-field, to kiss him, to love him. He wanted to catch me, but first he wanted permission.

And I gave him none. All he did was wait, was run, was wait for me to stop. Patient.

_If you're not careful, he'll move on._

But he can't stay there forever. He won't wait for me forever. One day, he'll get the message, he'll realize. He'll begin to quicken the pace, look forward, and pass by me. Farther and farther until he gets ahead, until he disappears into the darkness and leave me behind. Never looking back, only going to something more important, to the future, to another's arms. No more wasting the time with the princess that called him dirt. To someone that'll treat him better. Who will have him all to themselves.

Guy will move on. He's only human. And if I'm not quick enough, I'd lose him. Forever.

* * *

Seafood had to be the saddest looking cuisine in all of the various dishes possible. It was so…bland, so white. It tasted fine, yes, but…it looked unpleasant. Even with the vegetables being so vibrant, it still looked so…so dead. Which, I suppose it is, but still.

"Oh, yes, we're industrializing our country more, actually."

And…were the dining room chairs always so…uncomfortable? No matter how many times I tried to sit up straight, to adjust to my seat it still felt so…unpleasant. A bother, really. Was it always like this? I remember sitting down to countless dinners before, but I never felt a reason to complain about them before. Until now, of course.

"Fascinating! We're trying to figure out more on fonic artes. You know, our Jade here has a knack for everything, _especially_ fomicry."

Since when was the sound of silverware being put to use so loud? It's obnoxious really. Has my fork always been so annoying? Or is it just me?

"And yet you remain a colonel?"

I looked across from my seat to the person addressed, his posture straight, his look so elegant. I had heard rumors about him, about the name of the 'necromancer', but ignored it. Gossip is gossip, and a true lady would have much better things to do then to participate in it. But there…his eyes were so red. Was that natural?

"Yes. I have my reasons." He spoke simply, politely declining anything further, to elaborate. I looked to father, too disinterested in my food, too distracted to contribute to their conversation. However, it was his Imperial Majesty, obviously recovered from our talk in the garden, acting like it never happened. Refined and cool, brushing it under the rug, like a true noble.

"Ha, ha…He always says that. The mayor of St. Binah always gets on his case for it."

I felt their words fall on my ears, not really meaning anything. This feeling kept on nagging at me, this plate in front of me appearing too unappetizing, the topic just not for me, at the moment.

_Princess Natalia, what's wrong?! Why are you crying?!_

And for some reason, I was remembering Guy's words, so full of worry. Back to when we were younger, when I was eight, when Malkuth had kidnapped Luke. After he had cheered me up, as he would so much more in the years to come, he had looked so breathtaking. So handsome. If…If I recall correctly, I think I still have his handkerchief. It's gotten old, and I haven't used it…but it is in the back of a drawer, hidden and forgotten, probably gathering dust.

"Ah, yes, St. Binah. I trust the medicines there are gaining you a great run in the economy?"

_…I…I did, too._

Then, just as soon I was remembering his words, in the library, in that warm afternoon. When I had said I enjoyed our chat…he agreed. Bashfully, with that warm smile that always came so easily. He was the type of person who smiled effortlessly. When the corners of his mouth lifted, it was like it was made for him. Like the action was second nature to him, so simple so quick. He was…comforting. And that suggestion he made? I…followed it. A headband now decorating my head, doing what it should, effectively. Every time I slipped it on, I was always reminded of Guy, and that warm, windy afternoon with just him and I.

"Of course; Kimlasca _is_ the one that exports them after all."

_…Feel better?_

He had looked so lost there, just winging it, just trying to help. And in the end, he did, tremendously. Indeed 'more than he could know.' And afterwards, when I cried, after he had listened to me, and I realized I could be fine, just fine, he got down from that ladder. Standing in front of me, just looking, unable to touch me, but able to just be there. He handed me a handkerchief after awhile (this one I gave back), and I took it gratefully. Even though I was fearful he'd judge me, or feel awkward, he didn't. He only repeated the question of 'feel better?' when I had calmed down. He was always there, always calm, always able to be the one thing I could have that was under control, that was in order.

"True, true…You have recently ordered a landship from us, right?"

_Guy…you can touch me?_

How shocked I had been. His arms were so warm, so strong around me. I mean, I had _dreamed _about such a thing happening, only to shoot it down in the morning, telling myself he had a phobia; it would happen in dreams, and dreams only.

And then, I was living a dream when he pulled me to him, his face in my hair, such an intimate embrace. I was surprised, but still cried, and hugged him. He smelled like metal, and oil; like soil as well. So practical and good. The fabric of his shirt so soft, and his body so warm…

And he had helped me then, deciding what to do. And after our hug, my body felt warm, tingly all over. Hungering for more, still feeling the effects long after I returned to the castle.

"From Sheridan, yes, we have, your Highness."

_…Then, what am I, Natalia? What am I to you?_

Yes, Guy, what are you to me? Back in the library, when we were crossing into forbidden territory, edging the line. When I had admitted, out loud, how I felt for him, what we were to each other…

Then, I woke up. I remembered, I was ashamed of myself, I broke his heart. Guy…Guy, what _are_ you to me?

"Is there a reason for that, colonel?"

Of course, a friend. Always a friend, a person I can easily talk to. And…I suppose a person I admire. Romantically. This feeling in my heart only exists because I love you; if I held no feelings for you, I wouldn't go through any of this. And that goes for you, too.

"Yes, but the reason has been put to rest, hasn't it?"

I looked at the colonel in front of me, so calm and collected. The Emperor seemed uncomfortable to discuss such matters, but Jade seemed fine. Actually, he always seemed fine.

I took another bite of my dinner, tasting as delicious as usual, yet I still felt…confused.

"With the peace treaty, of course."

They had signed it before dinner. It was fine now, everything taken care of, signatures placed, Score followed. Yet…I didn't care. All I could think about was Guy.

"It's a good thing we followed the Score."

Guy loved me. He wouldn't go through any of this either if he held no feelings for me. I remembered the letters he gave me, each burned and left to smolder in a dish, one full of ashes. He might of written secret messages on those too, but I would never know. And he pursued, for a chance to explain himself, to talk. To tell me he loved me, to try to work out something. Always pursuing me, even getting sick because of it.

And then, the meeting on the aircar.

_Can you meet me tomorrow? At the port?_

'Tomorrow' was today. It was true, we signed the peace treaty, and I had plenty of time to see him. The port was easy to go to; I knew the way like the back of my hand. But I didn't want to see him.

And then he confessed to me. He loved me. He was 'in love with me'. In love with me, 'Princess Natalia'. He was giving me one last chance to see him, to talk it out, to take a chance...and…and I…

I turned it down.

He wouldn't be there. He knew I wasn't coming, knew I turned him down for the final time. Guy was gone. The chance to be with him gone. There was no turning back time, no way to take back the words. I had said it, the verdict was decided, and we were finished.

"It's true that your daughter went there, as well? To the battlefield?"

My chance was gone.

_If you're not careful, he'll move on._

I was going to lose Guy. He _would_ move on. Would leave me, would forget our love. Our love never died…it just never got a chance to bloom. It would wither away, not even given an opportunity to live. I was giving up here, so easily. Giving up on Guy, too scared to take a chance.

Wait. Scared? Was I admitting…I was scared?

_The only one holding you back is yourself._

Guy's words came back to me. Even _he_ admitted it, telling it to my face. Was he disappointed, or sad when he said it? In any case, I…I suppose he was telling the truth. I…I _am_ just afraid. Afraid of taking a chance, of putting my country at risk, of breaking my childhood promise with Luke.

"Oh, yes, Natalia why not relate your experience to these gentlemen?"

And it's disgraceful to let this fear hold me back, to only give out excuses every single time he tried to make it work. I was turning him down because of my own weakness, and if I didn't try now, this would never work. This relationship would never have a chance to fly, this love would always be dead, and I would never have the honor of saying I at least _tried_ something. How can I honestly say we'll be caught if I don't attempt to have a relationship?

"Yes, why not…Princess?"

Was I really giving up so easily, really this weak-willed? It's not Guy's fault for my pain, for my sadness; but rather, my own for being too scared to at least take a chance.

Take a chance.

A chance.

"Natalia, are you alright?"

I looked to the plate in front of me, the silverware, the food, all looking so pointless. Felt the wood against my back, the chair so worthless and trivial. I looked up to the faces of the colonel, his Imperial Majesty, to father. Why…Why was I even here?

Guy was waiting for me.

I stood up, hands pushing me away from the table, my chair scraping against the floor. I looked down to my dinner, the seafood so pale and meaningless in front of me.

"Natalia?"

My eyes glanced around the table. Father looked confused, surprised, and…worried. Yes…worried. Father was worried about me. The colonel looked like he was…waiting? Like he was reading a book, mildly interested in what was going to happen, what choice was going to be made now. And Emperor Peony…was he smirking? Like he predicted this, or perhaps he was proud of me. I really couldn't tell.

"Natalia? What's wrong?"

I stayed silent. Yes what _was_ wrong with me? The real me wouldn't do something so rude, would've answered father, not let her worry about some lovesick _servant_ that probably wasn't even there.

But then again, the "real" me was a coward, and it was time for some change.

"…If you'll excuse me." I whispered.

Then, I was running, leaving the talks of politics, the pale, unappetizing seafood, father's worried face, and the unusually uncomfortable chair all behind.

"Natalia, wait! Where are you going?!"

Father's voice followed me, worried, confused. I ran and ran, some maids calling my name, soldiers concerned voices all left behind. I was suddenly at the front doors, opening them, the harsh metal groaning in protest. I was struck by the cold wind, a storm raging on outside. I blinked my eyes a few times, a light cast out onto the street, my shadow a lone figure cut into it. The skirt of my dress was flapping around my legs wildly, the rain falling cruelly in front of my eyes. I was looking at the final obstacle, this storm, straight in the face.

The warmth of the castle inside was against my back, the fierce cold of the storm at my front. I could have run back inside, to the safety of my home, apologizing to father, taking back a life without Guy.

But a chance. I was given a chance. And life is full of chances, all luck. You never knew what was at the bottom if you went blindfolded. But if I never took this chance, if I continued to live with only the safety of Luke's promise, then what sort of life would I be living?

_Natalia, where are you going?!_

Father's words came back to me. I took in a deep breath, and ran, the rain pelting me. Guy's smiling face flashed through my mind, the water hitting me, over and over.

_I'm going to him, father. To Guy. While I still can._

* * *

I suppose this was it. When I took the jump, following after him, finally mustering the courage, the wind blowing against my face. The only time a person can truly fly, feel gravity pull them downwards, is when we jump from the edge. So, I flew. It was dangerous, there were so many reasons that told me I shouldn't, but I didn't care. If I let that hold me back, then I would never be able to truly be proud of myself. After all, he gave up on me, this meeting our last chance, and I ran to him. I didn't even know if he would be there, but at least I can say I tried.

I decided to stop running away. No more flying away, I was finally flying back to him; this butterfly who was letting herself be caught, the fairy who married the mortal, a spineless princess who loved the determined, hopeful servant. I was giving up, giving in, and taking a chance.

There was a loud crack of thunder, the sky lighting up for a few seconds, the rain hitting me relentlessly, no mercy at all. It was a long trip to the port, and I was running out of breath, out of energy. I felt cold, the thunder rumbling in the distance, the water making me shiver, the sweat feeling strange with the rainwater. I found myself in an aircar, panting, alone. The night was so loud, the city so bare. No one was out, maybe because of the storm. I shivered violently, formal wear not the best for this.

What would I tell father? I would return home, but what would my excuse be? And Guy. Would he even be there?

_Wait for me, Guy, _ I told him, _Wait for me for just a little longer. I'm coming as fast as I can. Just wait a little longer._

I felt the wind hit me again, and I hugged myself, already soaked, only going to get worse from here on out. But I didn't care. I just wanted Guy to be there.

And if he wasn't?

Then at least I tried. This was all chance, a last chance, the final gamble. And I didn't know about my luck, but I sure knew what I wanted.

_Ping__!_ The aircar doors opened, the thunder rumbling in the distance, another strike of thunder making a large clapping sound near me. I looked up, the sky dark and sinister, lighting up here and there due to the lightning. The rain kept falling, and I ran. I had to keep going.

Guy was waiting, he's been waiting this whole time, and it was the moment he got his reward.

I felt pains going up the side of my legs; was I really this out of shape? Well, I only knew how to use healing artes, seeing as I'm a seventh fonist, and-

…And suddenly the ground was falling underneath me, no support, _wham! _And then my head was spinning.

It took me a while to process what had happened, my body aching, the rain falling on me. I felt the rain water seep into my clothes, and let the ringing in my ear die down before I got up. I pushed myself up, and looked down. Mud, all over my dress…the maids wouldn't like this. I got up, a strange looseness in my ankle. I had slipped and fallen, but not broken yet.

I dusted myself off, then lifted a leg, yanking off the heel, then the other, soon running again. They would hold me back, and I needed to see him as soon as I could.

A pair of heels, forgotten. Maybe they would be found in the morning, maybe I would come back for them; who knew? Right now, they had their own story, branching from my own as I ran and ran toward a different future.

It felt unpleasant to run without shoes, my stockings getting soggy, but I kept going. Why was I doing this? Sacrificing so much, going through anything for him?

…Because he made me happy. I realized, it was simple as that. People fall in love to be happy. To experience bliss like no other, to know how it feels like to be appreciated. And Guy made me feel like that. It's only natural I'd want to be with him, no matter what.

I kept running. Another clap of thunder resounded through the sky, sounding like it was right near me, making me stiffen with fear. I kept going however. What had Guy said?

_They say, if you count seconds between thunder, the longer it takes, the farther away it is._

He had said this to me…during lunch. When he forced me to eat, as ravished I was, I refused, but he got me to anyway. Always looking out for me, why hadn't I noticed it before…?

No. No, no, no! Dwelling on the past, on the impossibility of the moment, will not aid me. All I had to do now was look toward the future, was run toward it, fly off the edge, and fall and fall. Guy was waiting, or maybe not waiting, how would I know?

All I had to do was try.

_You can't be sure! That's life; it's full of chances! So don't just run away because you're afraid!_

He was trying to help me. Back in the garden, when Emperor Peony approached me, repeating those same last words Guy had said to me, he was trying to help. Going through the same pain as I, hoping to not see another couple ruin themselves, like him and the woman he loved did. He didn't want me to know that pain, but to _try._ Because he was right; life is full of chances, and I needed to take mine at last, take Guy by the hand, stop him from running ahead of me.

I ran into another aircar, quickly hitting the switch, hearing the machines underneath me toil, and saw the scenery pass by. I was shivering, soaked, clothes sticking to my skin, hair matted to my face, the water drip-dropping down my neck, making me flinch each time. I tried to catch my breath, head looking up to the ceiling of the car. I felt the cold metal of the floor underneath the soles of my feet, the stockings clinging and wet. I felt a throbbing in my feet, no shoes to guard them. I didn't care though. Guy. Guy was waiting.

That day I found him breathtaking, the day he became more than just 'Luke's servant', the day he made me stop crying, I had looked down to that handkerchief.

_Keep it,_ he had said. A shrug, so casual, so simple. Just like that, he had smiled, cheered me up, handed me the strength Madame Fabre and I weren't able to have. He had looked so beautiful, so breathtaking with the sun shining behind him, and he was becoming more then 'A person who had made me stopped crying' and to one who had stolen my heart.

_Ping__!_ The doors rumbled open, and I smelled the sea mixed in with the scent of rainwater. I felt excitement resound through my body, my heart beating fiercely in my chest, as ran, as I flew, as I fell.

Now, here I was, running to him, perhaps he wasn't even there, ready to risk it all, taking a chance, letting care fly off me, like it had in my dream, when he kissed me, when I admitted my love. I turned the corner, scanning the port for any sign of him.

And now, I was ready to give him my love. My trust, my future, my self in general.

_Keep it,_ I would tell him. _Keep it, _just like that. You deserve it, Guy. You've earned it.

Then, there he was, coat huddled around him, underneath the tunnel that led to the boats, face bewildered, clear, blue eyes wide.

"Natalia?"

* * *

A concert. Just like when he cheered me up, when he held me, when he kissed me, when he admitted his love to me. The rain hit the ground with each drop, eight hundred and plus, a soft shushing sound, like it was telling the world to be quiet. To let the world sleep for awhile, let her replenish herself, let everyone just slow down. And here, time was slow. Everything was all a blur now, the dinner, the seafood, the colonel's red eyes, so piercing, so abnormal. Father's voice following me, the forgotten heels, the fall. It all seemed so pointless now that my goal was reached, destination found. Luke's promise, the engagement, the risk to Kimlasca, it all seemed so pointless now, just slipped away, and all there was, was Guy, standing right there, back to the brick wall, huddled over from the cold, my knight in shining armor.

Of course, his first response was to worry about me.

"Natalia, you're soaked! Here, take this," He pulled me toward him, taking his jacket off, putting it around me. It felt heavy, so warm and comforting, his body heat still having influenced it. It smelled like him, like soil, and metal. I liked it, touched by his show of kindness.

I shivered, feeling it all catch up to me, the cold, the fall, finally noticing it. My ankle felt strange, was throbbing, my knee having a sharp pain in it. I found out later I got a scrape, blood oozing, just a bit. My body felt cold, felt wet, my dress hanging on me so heavily, the skirt limp and dirty around the edges. My hair was drooping, weighed down by the water, each drop hitting my bare back, or my neck. I took off my gloves, just to help, even a bit.

"…Why are you here?" I asked him quietly, so quiet I wondered if he even heard me. I dropped one glove next to me, making a _plop_ sound.

He was silent, and I didn't look to him, not wanting to, trying to concentrate on the other glove instead.

"I was waiting for you."

_Plop._ Off went the other glove. My hands still felt damp, cold, and I pulled his coat closer to me, taking in the smell as best as I could.

"You know I wasn't going to come." I corrected him, not harsh, just confused. Confused, but grateful, so very grateful.

"…You did, didn't you?"

And it was like he grabbed my heart, and squeezed it, making it ache, but in a good sort of way. He hadn't given up, and if I did things right, he wouldn't move on.

I almost smiled, feeling the tears, warm and big, slide down my face.

"…What do you say we take a chance?"

The water pitter-pattered around us, the cold air biting into my legs, my arms and torso protected by his coat, by his scent. At this, this question, the final one, I looked up at him. His back to the wall, his whole demeanor dry and silent. Hard to read his face, not sad, or happy, just contemplating. Funny how I, the princess, was so dirty and wet, while he, the servant, was so dry and clean. Had he gotten here early? It broke my heart just thinking about it.

Suddenly, it seemed quiet, another rumble of thunder, a flash of lightning, lighting up the sky, and his face, the shadows falling against it again. The world seemed quiet, like it was all focused on us, the spotlight on the two star-crossed lovers, the concluding decision, the climax, the finale.

He nodded slowly.

"…I'd like that."

And then, we needed no words. It was all said and done. Slowly, he pulled me to his chest, and I could feel it against my cheek, so dry and warm. His shirt was soft, and I had a feeling I could sleep on this chest peacefully, if I wanted to. He wrapped his arms around me, digging his face into my hair, his breath feeling ticklish on my scalp; he was breathing me in.

And this was what I wanted, and this was what I got. And it was everything I thought it would be, and more.

Of course, it wasn't over. We would have a lot to talk about: what to do when the engagement rolls around, becomes valid; how to see each other so as to not raise suspicion, how far we were willing to take this, how I would make it up to him from all the insults and cruel things I did to him. What I'd say to father when I got back home, how I would explain my appearance, how we would make it all a secret, careful, so careful. We had a million obstacles in front of us, had to be cautious, and had to be wary.

But right now, it didn't matter. The rain hushed the word, each drop at a time, letting us soak in the moment, taking in each other, and why we were risking it at all, in the first place.

He parted a bit, taking my cheek in his hand, thumb brushing over the skin, his face closer to mine, so warm, so soft, he kissed me. A kiss I would savor, his kisses I would never tire of.

And it was at moments like this where you had to forget. Forget everything you knew, what you were taught, and just let it all go. Go with your instincts, go like a caged, starved animal to the prey. Go with what your body knew, your intuition, and just become human for one whole second. Forget the world, forget your worries, and just be. Go ahead; spoil yourself. You've earned it.

I broke the kiss, and ducked my head. Was I crying? I was so wet, it was hard to tell. It felt like it though, throat constricted, chest tight. I buried his head into my chest, and we just stayed like that. Why was I crying? I'm…still not sure.

But he drowned me. In his smell, the smell of oil and metal, his warmth, his touch. Guy was drowning me deeper, and deeper, until I couldn't see the light any longer. My breath stopped, no oxygen to save me. However, I didn't fight back. I was drowning, any way to save me from him disappearing slowly, ever slowly. But that was okay. I didn't want help. It felt warm down here. For once in a long while, having to chase him away, I was finally warm. The core of my body, my soul, shaking, my legs feeling weak, my heart beating in my ears.

And then I heard it, cuddled into his chest. His own heartbeat. _Th-thump, th-thump, th-thump._ It was so clear, so deep, so comforting. I listened to it intently, like it was a song I would never hear again. Like the last lullaby of childhood. I counted between each one, remembering it, preserving this moment so clearly. I held him back, at last, just taking him in.

And that night, the night I finally just jumped off the edge, the night I decided I would risk it all, I heard a lot of things.

I heard the rain quieting the world, heard the rumble of the thunder in the distance.

I felt a lot of things too. The cold, his coat around me, his lips on my own.

But I will always remember that heartbeat, his warmth, proving this wasn't a dream, and there was no turning back.

* * *

I felt the pen slip and fall out of my hand, right next to my chair. It rolled away, under my cot. I could retrieve it later.

Amazing. I always found it simply astounding how reckless I had been. Perhaps his Imperial Majesty was right; Perhaps I _am _too dramatic about everything.

Either way, when I got back (dryer then I was previously, of course; taking back the heels I had abandoned) all I told father was that I had to meet someone very special.

Guy had carried me back part of the way, until we found my shoes, after the storm had quieted down. We had talked, waiting for the rain to stop, about what we would do. We planned it all out, fixed up any loose ends, deciding how this relationship would work. All while sitting down, his coat around me, hips touching. Of course, when it ended, he heard none of my pleas, and carried me back, bridal-style, saying it was the least he could do.

And of course he teased me as to how much a heroic I was, and perhaps even reckless to go through a _storm_ for him, earning himself his coat back, via my abrupt toss to his face.

Of course I enjoyed it, my head against his chest, looking for his heartbeat. Every time I would hold him, I would always search for it, listen to it intently whenever it was found. It was the one thing I loved about him, the one thing that was constant; proving this all wasn't a far-fetched dream. That Guy was holding me, that I was here, with him; that he wasn't leaving anytime soon.

It was twelve forty when I finally got back home, when he kissed me on last time on the aircar, letting me reach home first, before he would, so as to not raise suspicion. Saying, so easily, making it all real with the words 'I'll see you tomorrow.'

I leaned back in my chair. Twenty six pages all demolished with this one memory. The time I took a chance, not knowing what would meet me at the bottom, not really caring. And _this_…this was when it started. The affair. Two years would pass before we finally let it go, to reasons that…

…That will come up later. Just be patient, self. We'll get to those, soon.

But I must admit, I am proud of myself. To take such a risk I…I personally still think, to this day, he was worth it. I regret nothing, not forgetting Luke's promise, neither acting so rude as to run from dinner, no actual good, legitimate reason given. To this day…I'm proud of myself. Impressed.

Am I smiling? Yes…but that's fine. With my heart swelling with bliss…it's fine. I'm fine.

Guy, I loved you, and it was fine.

I get up, reaching under my bed for the pen, retrieving it, reaching my desk once more, a hand brushing against the rough paper. I had more to write; about us, about when we finally took the relationship farther, and…

…and when it ended. When we were 'caught' in a way, by the one person I didn't want to find out. When we began to see it crack, and crumble, this love taken too far, the end finally in sight.

And then your goodbye.

And then, Asch.

Asch.

Yes. I had a lot to write about Asch. As much as it would pain me to, I shall. His death…it still affects me to this day.

I loved him.

And I loved Guy.

But now…Guy. Guy, tomorrow, what is going to happen…

We can only see what shall happen, what we will do. I _will_ speak to you about the affair, don't you worry. Tomorrow, when you have time, when I have a chance, I will. Because of this momentous occasion, we have to. It can't go unnoticed any longer.

Until then, I shall do the only thing I can, the only thing I know how to do best in such situations.

I shall cope, swallow the pain, and go on.

And write.

* * *

That's the end of chapter seven! Thanking you for reading! I'm so very grateful! x3

Alright. Complaining time.

Agh! Peony! I was dreading this chapter only because Peony is such a hard character for me to capture and I _knew_ I would make him out of character! And if I did, I'm _so_ sorry! I have such difficulty with him, but that is no excuse, and I'm so sorry for my pathetic writing ability! So sorry!

And if Nat came out as too angsty, I'm sorry! I'm not sure if I did, but I'm almost certain I did, and I'm sorry!

And I'm so sorry it's written so repetitively, and so blandly! This is probably my worst written chapter, and I'm so sorry for that. Dx

…And, no, the fic isn't over. There is so much more, as Nat has stated, but for awhile, it shall be fluffy (for two chapters) and showing how far they went. Please bear with me, until we get more conflict.

And yes, Asch. There will be Asch, but later. He wasn't nothing to Natalia, don't worry. And there will be Sophie, so don't worry about that either. But only in the Guy's POV chapters.

And…yeah, it sounds like I'm giving a movie preview. xD;;

Anyway, thank you so much for reading! We're already halfway done with the story; isn't that nice? :D

Thank you so much for reading, again! I hope you have a wonderful day! Ciao!

-Apple Fairy


	8. Her words: Warmth

Hello and good to see you, reader! Apple Fairy here!

Ah, why so late you ask? Well, Ike, computer crashing, writer's block, and computer crashing _again_ would explain... :D;;

(Yes, my computer crashed twice. My laptop is on her last legs, poor thing, and I might have to buy a new one. Dx)

And, regarding this chapter...It's terrible! I know I usually say this, but this time, I mean it! There is no conflict, mindless fluff, and...and it's incredibly boring because of it. And counting in at thirty-three thousand words (!) it's boring _and_ long. So, if you ever are reading, then get sick and are wondering_ '_When will it end?!' I don't blame you, and apologize profusely. I got writer's block in the middle too, so some of it I trudged through quite horrendously. So sorry! I'm so, so sorry! D,:

Um...but instead of that, I thank you so much if you reach the end. Really, that would be a feat in itself. So...here's the story. And sorry once more. :(

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Tales of the Abyss.

* * *

_Unspeakable_

Story by Apple Fairy

* * *

_You not only take my sanity, but also my reason not to care. _

_What you do to me is uninvited, is rash, is so carefree, so rude, and, yet, so goddamn beautiful._

_You grab this heart of mine with those sweet, casual words, you captivate me with those easygoing smiles, you love me so well with all of you, every single bit._

_It's so carefree, it's so heartwarming, my goodness…_

_It's you. It's all you, my love.

* * *

_

I still have the music box.

The laughs that echoed through the garden, his heartbeat in my ears, the burning jealousy clenching my heart, are all gone, all unable to be preserved, but the music box I was able to keep. It was the one thing that stayed with me, the only evidence that it ever really happened. That those two years with Guy weren't all just a far-fetched dream. One item, staying, existing, and comforting me.

…I digress.

While I still regret having let it happen in the first place (I do, really); however, it seems I cannot truly regret the years. Guy, they were too good to me. Too…oh, how to say this while conveying the mood successfully…?

It was paradise. When we were…'dating' (as childish a word that is), it was so innocent, so fun, so…so _warm_. All those times with you, I can explain with temperature. When I was angry with you (or vice-versa) I could feel it burning my core, these feelings, and love twisted into something different, something full of spite. When you weren't able to be with me, alone without your presence, the only reassurance being 'I'm sorry, something came up. I'll see you tomorrow, I swear, Natalia.' I would feel cold. So lost, trudging through life without you at my side, smiling, offering me love to warm me right up, like a blanket, so comforting. These emotions left hanging no one to support them, the wind just hitting and hitting.

And then, I would feel warm. When you were there, when you were forgiven, perhaps forgiven me, then I would feel warm. When you held me Guy, your heartbeat so close to me, I could feel it tingling through me, this love for you, these feelings. Warming me right up, so close, so good.

I have no regrets, not when I was with you those two years, the ones that we shared together. Private meetings, hidden feelings, like a secret being shared. Whispering into one another's ears sweet nothings, so silently, only the other would hear. No one was allowed into our little paradise, this small secret. No one was allowed to know, because if they knew it could ruin us.

Funny though; we barely thought about that when we were together. Well, _I_ barely thought about it, I'm not sure about you.

Perhaps it was because we were so in love, so giddy with feelings, acting more so as newly weds, rather then two people involved with an affair.

Newly weds.

How horribly ironic.

I push all these thoughts to the side. Later, later, later. These all come later.

I try to stay in the past. I can feel the guilt edging at my mind right now, staring at me with such accusing eyes. You know, it was saying, it was all forbidden. Wrong. And _tomorrow-_

No! It was like I was covering my ears with my hands, eyes shut. If I thought about it now, I don't think these ugly feelings would stop. The ones of guilt, self-hatred, the ones about Asch…I never hated him. I don't think I have the ability to. But when I was reminded about Guy, I was also reminded about Asch. It was a two-for-one package, and there was no way around it, no refunds, no way to give it back.

I close my eyes, and try to block out the feelings. Pushing him to the side, saying sorry over and over. Just this night, please. Tomorrow I will forget him forever. Always. After I write this, I will put Guy behind me, let these events know they happened, and I will grow past him.

Just for tonight. Please. Just for this one night.

Seeing as what was happening tomorrow, I think this was all I had in the end, either way.

A few seconds past. Right. It's all done. It was quiet in my head, and the memories were coming back, slowly seeping in, like water overflowing from a bathtub, cascading like an informal waterfall. I clenched my pen, and continued, my hand cramping, my pride not letting me cease.

I didn't want to write. My eyes were strained and my back constricted, a pain in it. I wanted to rest for awhile, but I knew if I rested, then the feelings would overflow. Hitting me like a waterfall, cold and cruel. I would begin to think about it deeply, and if I reached the peak, the worst, then I would probably throw it all overboard. Running like a ghost through the halls, onto the deck, salty wind caressing me, papers in hand. I would watch them fly away, unable to survive the water, swallowed up by the deep, dark sea. Just like that boy in Akzeriuth, disappearing slowly, ever slowly, a painful, unforgiving death.

And maybe I would cry. Maybe.

It was like a movie when I imagined myself doing this in my mind. It was like watching another person, it all so true, so possible, it was frightening. Throwing all the hard work to a watery grave…I would do it. I know myself.

And it's frightening how well I do.

So, I continued. If I got through these next two passages, this one included, I could rest. The worst out of the way, the rest an easy sailing, the storm put behind me, my ship still intact. Until then, however, I was still looking at the front of the storm, it looming, threatening me. I stood tall though, unwavering. Give it your best shot, I told it. I _dare_ you.

And as I stood on the deck of my ship, I could feel his voice behind me, whispering in my ear. Guy, my support, my courage, just like that day he handed me that handkerchief, unknowingly handing me the strength along with it. Just like when Asch had handed me the bravery in Sheridan, too.

_Come on, Natty. Just this once._

He had said it back then. Back in the garden, his mood so relaxed, his words so casual, so carefree. Pulling me with him into this cheerful attitude, telling me to just let it all go for one moment, his grip on my hands so loose, yet tight. Giving me a choice to walk away, or let myself be swept up by his words. To let all my worries slide away. Just this once, Natalia, he was saying. Just let it all go.

And dance with me, Natalia. Dance.

I began to write.

* * *

During these years I learned archery. That is the first thing I remember; the practical things, the ones that mattered the most to a princess. But as a woman, I remembered Guy. After the business were the benefits. Guy's Coming of Age ceremony, my birthday, my jealousy, the 'dates' (If that was what I could truly call them), the ever-helpful Sophie, so wrapped up in mystery, still is to this day, the fights…Guy was everything. We were like a couple, any other couple. Guy…Guy was my boyfriend. To this day, it is still awkward to use this word. It just…didn't seem right. Too childish a word. But lover was too intense. I never had an appropriate word for Guy, but I don't think it really mattered to either of us. As long as we were together, able to keep it a secret was all that really counted in the end. Everything else was just to be formal, to be polite, to fill in gaps that were placed awkwardly here and there.

We kept it a secret, of course. This was still a forbidden relationship, and we treated is as such. We continued on just as before, myself running errands as Guy accompanied me, and sometimes (rarely, although with time we got the hang of it, the visits more frequent) we would sneak away, just for a moment, to meet in the castle garden. We'd talk, or snuggle (how embarrassing to admit now), but always, together and very well smitten with the other.

There were small things about my relationship with Guy. But above all else, he was perfect. The perfect boyfriend.

"You're an angel," I would say, "An angel sent from heaven."

He would only smile, a shy smile (I was able to classify his looks easily it seemed), and shook his head.

"I'm not." He would laugh.  
I learned Guy did not take to compliments well. He was modest, and humble. It was cute at times.

In any case, he was perfect. Caring for you without need, telling me he loved me at random times, mostly in the garden when he would dig his face into the crook of neck, the breath warm and funny on my skin. He would instantly notice when I had a bad day. Are you alright Natalia? What happened? Do we need to talk?

And he would listen, offering help, being so kind.

He was gentle, got mad rarely, truly God-sent. I loved Guy.

There were little changes in our behavior, more as a couple, then friends. When we would go out to eat (either he or I treating, we were too upstanding to let the responsibility fall on only one) if having taken a table at the back, he would hold my hand under the table, the warmth of it reminding me he was there, that this was real, that he loved me. Sometimes, if it was too risky, he would merely place his knee against mine, more intimate then when Emperor Peony had that time long ago in the dead garden.

And if were feeling truly daring he would place a hand on my knee, or vice-versa, it all so secretive and comforting. He would only smile at me, that coy smile, and I would blush. He was perfect, always perfect.

And then, there were the alleyways.

"Natalia."

"Yes?"

"How long until your next meeting?"

I looked back to him. I wasn't sure what he was getting at, just a bit cautious, but answered him anyway.

"Twenty minutes, why?"

He looked around quickly, head looking this way, then suddenly that way. He quickly grabbed my hand, and we ducked into an alleyway, out of the sight of others, my self confused.

"Guy, what are you-?!"

Soon, he was hugging me. Breathing me in, that all too familiar heartbeat filling my ears.

"Natalia…" he whispered, kissing my forehead, burying his face into the skin where my neck and shoulder connected. I blushed, my body not yet used to Guy's sudden shows of affections, his flirtatious sweet words, his self in general.

"G-Guy! We don't have time for this! I-!"

"Just a little longer?" He would whisper, and then I would shiver with pleasure, his voice so soft and husky in my ear. And I would lose all this strength, my will, and just collapse into those arms, into that heartbeat. _Th-thump, th-thump, th-thump._

I pouted. I bet he knew he did it, too. How he would just have me melt in his arms, giving in without wanting to. It was apart of that natural-born charm, and as much as I hated it, I hated the fact that I liked it even more.

"…I don't want to be late." I would tell him. He would only snuggle in deeper, quite content with this, not letting me go anytime soon.

"You won't be."

"Guy, really."

"Natalia," he would sigh, right into my skin, causing those chills to run up my spine, the goose bumps to prickle up my arm. "Just a little longer?"

And he made it sound so simple, so easy. Just a little longer, you'll be fine, we'll be fine. Sounding so sure of himself, so convinced it would all work out in the end. He kissed me on the cheek, and then I just lost it.

"Fine." I would whisper, defeated, the greatest loss ever. "For now…"

I wrapped my arms around him, my hands finding a way to his hair, tangling them in it. I found myself instantly listening for that heartbeat, so close, so clear, all mine. Mine, mine, mine.

I kissed him, and closed my eyes, after breaking apart, myself giving in quite happily to my surprise. I could never resist that voice, his love, his comfort.

"For now…" I repeated, "…I'm all yours."

If on the run, if I was on the job, we would always take breaks, all started by him, to lose ourselves in each other in the alleyways, being sure to be quiet, always ended by me. Come on Guy, we have to go now. Maybe later. I promise, I promise.

You could say he was perfect, but there were times when he wasn't. Guy was human, much to my disappointment.

"Fontech." I repeated, "Really?"

He only smiled a childish smiled, his face brightening. Uh oh. Here it comes.

"Yup! You see, they're having this sale for new parts, and I was thinking of trying to build this new machine, and I need them! But the sale's only today, so; do you think we could stop by for just a little while?"

He knew I could never say no, not when he looked so happy. I would never rain on his parade.

And of course we went when we had the time, sometime I would push work to the side, rescheduling, but it was rare. And of _course_ he would make a point to explain everything to me, try to make me see what he saw, get me into his hobby. At first, I was polite, nodding respectfully, offering 'You don't say's and 'Oh, really?'s. After all Baticul was getting more industrialized, and I would rule it one day. I needed this information, I told myself.

But there was a limit to how much knowledge I needed on what sort of wrenches worked well with what bolt or nut.

"Guy." I held my hands up in defeat, surrendering, just wanting him to stop talking. "Can we hurry up? You see, it's very important that I make it." I smiled my best courteous smile, slightly nudging him with my words to quicken the pace.

But Guy knew me, and he knew when I was unhappy. He frowned, not fooled by my forced kindness.

"If you don't want me to talk about it, you can tell me." He sighed, looking over some manuals, picking off one with the title of 'Fontech for Beginners'. I bit my lower lip, and shook my head.

"No, no! It's not like that! I…I just think it's important, that's all. Really."

"Really." He repeated, doubtful, flipping through the book, distracted. I sighed inwardly.

"…Guy, I find it fascinating, really."

"Really."

"Guy, please."

He sighed, glum, but smiled nonetheless. Guy, the optimist.

"Alright, alright. Let's go." He agreed, the smile obviously strained. Sometimes he was too nice, sending you on a guilt-trip, maybe unknowingly. "C'mon."

Sometimes I wished I loved it as much as him, but it never truly fascinated me as much as it did him. It got to a point where I secretly brought books on the subject, just to understand it a little better. All for him.

And while Guy was perfect, was human with his obsession, he also did things that peeved me, just a bit.

"Sweetie, are you alright?"

I froze. It wasn't his question, so much as what he called me. While he had a right to worry, after having gained a headache from servants that worked too slow to my liking, that title was much too much.

"Pardon?"

"What?"

I looked at him, incredulous. "What did you say?" I asked, taking a double take. He blinked a few times.

"What? 'Are you alright'?"

"No, no. What did you call me?"

"Sweetie?"

I just looked at him. "Sweetie." I repeated, the word falling flat, my tone disbelieving. Sweetie? Honestly? He smiled, unsure as to what to say.

"What? You don't like it?"

I shook my head, and sighed. Pet names. I had to put my foot down.

"No, I don't. It's silly. 'Natalia'," I corrected him, "…Not sweetie."

"I think it's cute."

"It's childish, Guy. No."

He frowned, but looked to the side. "If you don't want to, then I won't."

Of course, he tried to fit it in at places. Sneak it in without me seeing. Saying it here and there, but I caught him red-handed, not letting this one thing pass. We were adults now, not children. He would treat me as such, and I would to him. God forbid the day I would utter the words 'Darling' or 'Sweetheart'. Of course, he saw nothing wrong with it, but Guy was too kind, too sappy to really see my discomfort. It more so irked me then annoyed me.

Yet in the end, I was still in love with him. After approximately six months I was able to classify Guy's touches, moods, looks, and quirks.

Guy had several different ways to kiss.

It never changed with his mood. It changed with how grateful he was to see you, to be in love with me. There were the short, sweet ones he would give me, already ending as soon as I realized it had happened. These were usually given when he first saw me, his own 'Hello', mostly on the cheek, rarely on the lips. These ones were small ways of saying 'I love you'. Of course I was grateful for them. It was like all the small moments that all added up life itself.

Then, there were the meaningful ones, given under the cover of flowers in the garden, the ones that shook the core of my body, where he was so close. It was like he was breathing me in, tasting me, getting every single bit of me he could get. Holding me close, drowning me in his love, the light slowly leaving, the water swallowing me whole. He pulled me down, into the depths, smiling, whispering sweet nothings, being the best lover he could be.

And _this_ was why I had no regrets. Because the love was passionate, the relationship alive and breathing and making me drunk with affection.

And I never got this. As a princess, I am required to be mature, to be on top of everything, to be strong, and straightforward.

But with Guy I was none of this. I was smitten, I was weak, I was flustered. With Guy I was in love, I was drowning, I was flying. It was forbidden, it was messy, he was passionate, I was not. Or, at least, I tried not to be. I tried to keep some dignity, stopping our sessions in the garden before I gave in fully. Letting everything go, letting all of my plans go, dropping them to the side, and letting myself get lost in him.

I'm busy, Guy. Please.

But even if he agreed (He always did, a gentleman as always) I still felt chills. Still feeling the warmth of him on me, still being affected by him, well after he was gone. The aftertaste was so good, it had me hungering for more. Guy was everything I wasn't supposed to have, wasn't supposed to be, and it just made him that much more desirable.

Of course, even being the forbidden fruit that tasted so good, he was still human, and I saw Guy be fragile.

It was only one time I saw it. Just once. I would see it more after Tear walked into our lives (more so the manor) and took Luke without meaning to, starting everything. But now, I was sixteen, coming in for Guy. I found him in the main hall, staring up at a sword, the one I would learn later was his father's.

But for now, I was sixteen, and I knew nothing.

It was so quiet, and I was confused. I called out for him, but still nothing happened, no stirring. It was like I was a ghost, looking into the living world.

Or maybe Guy was one, and I was the living looking at the dead.

"Guy?" I called out, approaching him, tapping him on the shoulder. "Guy?"

He jumped, turning abruptly, and I saw it. It wasn't fleeting, staying long enough for it to sink in. He looked so sad, surprised, maybe even…frightened? Of me? Or of being found?

Like a child wanting to cry, alone. Like me, back when I was eight, wanting 'Luke' back.

"Oh, Natalia! S-Sorry, I…" He trailed off, looking for an excuse, not looking at me, smiling. A forced smile.

I felt my stomach twist, worried. I had never seen Guy look so fragile, so breakable, so scared. He was always on top of things, always so sure of himself, so positive in the view of danger. Always able to support me, nudging me forward, telling me I could do anything.

Guy, what happens when you are the one who needs comfort; can I do that?

"Guy, are you alright?" I asked him, quiet, feeling vulnerable. He smiled. Another forced smile.

"Of course. Come on, let's go." He motioned, his lips brushing against my cheek, then he was walking, motioning for me to follow. Like nothing had happened, like I was just seeing things. I wanted to pursue the subject, wanted to ask him what was wrong, what could possibly shake him.

But I was scared. Guy's face, so breakable, so terrified flashed through my mind, and I felt my stomach twist itself, the courage soon leaving me. I nodded, and followed him, casting one last glance to that sword, wondering what in the world it did to him.

The Jewel of Gardios. I wouldn't learn until much, much later then here.

But here, I was sixteen-going-on-seventeen, and I was in love.

* * *

I still loved Luke.

More so, loved the promise, not him. I still tried to grow to love him, in spite of me. I felt like I had an obligation, or maybe I was not yet ready to let go of the childhood promise, maybe I was scared. To this day, even now…

Either way.

So, of course, to his displeasure, I visited him. Guy understood. Back then, I never told him I was still in love with Luke, only saying it would be suspicious if I suddenly stopped seeing him. To Guy, it was an act, to myself, it was fruitless attempts. All ignored when I lost, only pursuing, not letting myself give up. Not on him. Never.

I never made any progress. I tried to change him, all really pointless. He didn't want to change, not for me, 'Naggy Natalia'.

I would have none of this.

And yet, in the end, I told myself he would lead my country with me, would be my husband, and that he would remember. He had to. I _wanted_ him to.

It was a cool day when I decided. When I decided I also had to do something with myself, for this country, had to change. I remember the taste of iced tea, and the brightness of the daffodils, as I watched them.

I leaned back in my chair, crossing my leg, one knee over the other. The air was clear, no wind, just enough sun, the weather perfect.

Then the sound of wood hitting wood, the dashing of feet, and the fierce look on Luke's face, the seriousness on Guy's.

They were sparring, and I was watching them. I let Luke do so, having enough of his 'But I haven't trained with Guy in so long! Come on!' Perhaps I am weak for giving in, or maybe because it had been long since I saw Luke fight in his sword style. The Albert-style used brute force along with it, kicks, and punches and sword slashes. Studying Guy, the Sigmund-style fast, circling Luke, then attacking him as he tried to catch up. It was all hard to catch up to, and I found myself cheering for one side, then the other. It was like watching the coliseum fights, so long ago with father when I was…five? It's hard to remember.

"No fair!" Luke yelled, waking me from my memories, the tip of Guy's wooden sword pointing at his chest, dropping as soon as I looked over. "You're too fast!"

Guy stretched, as he rolled his shoulders, and looked at Luke. He smiled.

"If you want me to, I can slow down."

"Don't go easy on me."

"Let's take a break, Luke."

Guy looked to me, smiling one of his gentle smiles, and I smiled back. An unspoken message.

I looked over to Luke, and he was quiet for awhile. He finally sighed, and walked back toward me. "Fine." He mumbled.

"You're getting stronger, Luke." I complimented, taking another sip from my iced tea. He glanced to me, and smiled.

"It's all because of Master Van's training!" He cheered, grinning. I felt my heart lift. Yes, yes, I was still in love with him. Always.

I was sitting at the table on Luke's porch, enjoying the breeze, the iced tea, and him. He sat at the chair across for me, laying his head on the table. His face was red, wooden sword leaning against the chair.

"But it's not fair, Guy. You don't even let me hit you." He mumbled, and said person approached us, leaning against the railing, giving me one last quick glance, looking to Luke again.

"I'm not supposed to let you. It's a sparring match, Luke."

"It's still annoying."

"It's just the differences in styles."

"Well, it's cheap."

Guy laughed. "You're harsh! Don't put it like that!"

I watched them talk, not sure how to contribute to the conversation. I wasn't all that well-versed in the ways of swordsmanship, so I decided to just literally sit back and take another sip of my iced tea. It needed more sugar.

"It's been so long since Master Van trained me." Luke sighed, closing his eyes, head cushioned in arms. Guy stretched his neck, moving head to the side.

"Have you been practicing like he asked you to?"

"I mastered it." Luke smiled, eyes still closed. Guy raised his eyebrows in mild surprise.

"Really? Finally?"

"Yup. I can't wait 'til I get to show him."

I felt like I was a fly on the wall, watching them. I might as well been, unsure of what to say.

"Mastered what?" I blurted out, before considering my words, "What are you talking back?"

They both looked at me, surprised I was even there, like I had just appeared there. I felt my ears burn, wondering if this was a silly thing to say, not used to the land, so obvious I was a newcomer.

"The technique Master Van taught me." Luke mumbled, slowly, like I was stupid. (Or did I just interpret it as that?) "Fang Blade."

I looked to the side, embarrassed, looking in vain for a hole to crawl into, only finding the daffodils in the garden soaking up the sun. "O-Oh, I see."

Silly me. Try to fit into a world that was not my own, only to be kicked out. Guy spoke out for me, throwing me a life-line.

"It's alright. Luke doesn't like to talk about his swordsmanship to you, does he?"

_Because I wouldn't understand it._ I told him, glancing to his hip, his sword not hanging from there like it always did. One day I asked him why he carried it and he only told me because of the day and age we lived in.

"You can't be too safe." He told me, warned me too, if I cared to look into it too deeply.

And I never spoke about it to him. I never knew who taught him, why he truly wanted to learn it in the first place, or how it was like to know you were strong enough to protect yourself, full of confidence, maybe even uneasiness.

It was a whole part of Guy I never cared to look into, a land I never took the effort to explore, a subject so foreign and dark to me.

I glanced back to Luke, eyes closed, red hair falling across his face. I never knew this about him either.

Could I really call them my friends, like this?

"No," I answered slowly, finally, eyes still on my fiancé, "he doesn't."

There was a silence, and I found myself wondering what Luke would say, if he would even stir at all. He didn't move, only staying there. For a second, I was convinced he had fallen asleep.

"Why don't you fight?"

I blinked for a second, trying to believe if he had really said that.

"Excuse me?" I uttered. Luke opened his eyes, and looked up at me, head straightening, chin on forearms. He blinked, then repeated himself.

"I said: why don't you fight?" He said so nonchalantly, like he was pointing out the weather was nice. It was such a bizarre question, it took me awhile to answer him. It was something I never thought of, another foreign concept.

"Because I am not required to."

"Still," He said slowly, so casual, so uncaring, "you should."

It was more so a suggestion then an order, but I was taken back by this. To be said by Luke of all people. It was hard to believe this was happening.

He made it sound so simple, like it was a hobby that might interest anyone. Maybe even me.

I began to respond, so caught off guard, but he interrupted me.

"Hey, Guy, why don't you ever fight with your real sword?"

And he turned away from me, from the subject, and it was gone so suddenly. Guy was sighing and telling him common sense, while I was left with the heavy words.

_Still, you should._

That night, I thought about them more then I should of. He never elaborated, never gave a reason as to why he suggested I should, and it was all left to my interpretation. Which, I did.

"Do you think I'm fit for swordsmanship?"

She widened her eyes at me, looking up from the paperwork scattered on her desk.

"Your Highness?"

I looked to the side, hands clasped before me. For some reason, I went to General Cecille for this. Sadly, Guy could not be there with me, his chores too much to push to the side.

I looked back to her, her back straight, her face confused, and the back of the chair at her desk taller then her.

"I said," I explained, "Would swordsmanship be good for me?"

She stayed quiet for awhile, perhaps registering the question, then looked down to the paperwork. She removed a stamp from a clump of supplies on her desk, inking it, then stamping an approval.

"Why do you ask that, Princess?" She asked, finally, voice stern once more. I looked behind her, two banners bearing the symbol of Kimlasca on the wall, deep red.

"I want to learn how to fight."

"There is no reason for you to."

"Still, I would feel better if I knew how to protect myself."

"Princess, the country will protect you."

Her voice was disapproving. Of course it would be; I was the princess, to be pampered and taken care of, like precious glass, so unstable. I was meant to sit on the throne, as others went off to fight for me.

But I didn't want to be protected. I wanted to fight.

"General Cecille, would I be good for the sword, or not?" I asked, asserting my authority. I never liked just sitting around. If I was hands on about things, I could be sure it would be done, that I had a worth to my citizens.

She looked up to me, placing the document on a stack of papers. She stared at me for awhile, unnerved, yet I wasn't ready to break down either.

Finally, she sighed.

"No, you wouldn't. You're too small; you don't have the muscle mass. And even if you _did_ get it, you would be required to train daily; considering your schedule, Princess, you wouldn't have the time."

I frowned. To this day, I think she might have been lying, or maybe not. I'm still not sure.

"Then what would I be good with?" I asked, still not willing to give up. She sighed.

"Princess, as I said before you don't need to-"

"General Cecille." I ordered, sternly, "Tell me."

She stayed quiet, stamping another document, re-inking it afterwards.

"…Archery."

"Archery?"

She looked back up to me. "Yes. Even while being of small stature, you would still manage. And it's a perfect way to defend yourself. As a Seventh Fonist you're more suitable for healing, and staying in the back, then actual close-range fighting." She explained. I had completely forgotten my born ability of healing. I nodded, smiling.

"Wonderful! It sounds lovely!" I cheered, already taking a liking to the idea. Archery…it sounded nice. I imagined myself, bow in hand, stance ready, elegant and poised. It was perfect.

"However," General Cecille cut in my excitement, "I still don't think you should learn how to-"

But I was already gone. Off to ask father for permission.

And he didn't give it. So of course, I tried to persuade him.

"But Father, I want to learn how to defend myself!"

He kept walking, cane first, then foot. "Natalia, I will not allow it."

The walls and their paintings, so familiar, the ones I'd seen as a child, fled by my sight. "Why not? It is a legitimate proposal and-"

"Not for a princess," He sighed, as he looked away from me, to a portrait of the sea, soon replaced by one of a woman as we walked on. "You are fine as you are."

"Father, what if I am put in a situation where I must fight? What of it then?" I pressed, not letting it go, not standing down. Not yet, and not ever.

"You will not. I swear to that." He said quietly, sternly, so much I almost backed down. Almost.

"But-"

"We will no longer speak of it." He cut me off, as we walked up the stairs to the throne room. "It's decided."

I began to reply again, until he was in front of the doors, and turned back to me.

"Natalia," he spoke slowly. Right then and there, he looked so sad, like it was the last chance to see me. "I want you to be safe."

Then, he entered the throne room, leaving me with that, as we became princess and king once more.

It sounded silly at the time. But a while after, when I finally was able to see it from his point of view, he wanted me to be safe not from bandits, or thieves, or others who would wish to harm me, but the world herself.

The world who so quickly stole the innocence of childhood, who was quick to crush purity under her heel. He wanted to lull me into safety, to have me believe I had nothing to fear, that I would always be safe. While it was sheltering me, it was still love. Maybe it was because my mother had died. That Aunt Susanne was sickly. That his mother, his sister, and his wife had all suffered to the cruel embrace of the world, and his daughter was all that was left. He wanted me to be safe in his own way.

But I didn't see it then. All I saw was my objective, the ends justifying the means. And because of that, I had complained to Guy about it the next day.

"It's ludicrous!" I yelled, "What is the worst that could happen?!"

I could feel his fingers running through my hair, removing the headband in the process, my bangs covering my face. He brushed them away for me. His fingers felt warm.

"Well," he said, slowly, "if it matters any; I'm proud of you. I like how you want to fight."

I looked up to Guy, his eyes so clear and blue. I looked beyond him, the gaillardias his background.

"Thank you." I told him.

"So why did you do it?"

"Do what?"

"Decide to fight?"

I looked to the side, my headband resting there, courtesy of Guy, his arms now around my shoulders. We were sitting in the garden, myself leaning against his chest, the wind blowing so slightly, causing me to shiver. I felt the goose-bumps on my arms, but ignored them.

How could I answer that? My mind suddenly thought back to Luke, his eyes closed, the shadows falling against him so fluidly, like water.

_Still, you should._

He said it so simply, so quickly, for awhile I wonder if I had imagined it. And it was the first time Luke had said something so meaningful to me, I took it seriously. What did he think of me then? As strong? Was he remembering? Falling back in love? Or am I just too hopeful, wishing more then I should've?

Either way, it affected me, that one line, the one suggestion. It made me think, consider, and wonder. I want to protect myself, I don't wish to be a burden, I…

…I wanted to be strong.

"It's as you said; the day and age we live in, why not?" I lied, not able to tell the truth, to hint at something. I loved Guy, and I wasn't ready to break his heart.

Actually, I would never be ready. Would this relationship end? It had to, but how? When? We just kept running, no goal to reach, just doing it because we could. This bothered me in the back of my mind, but I ignored it, and savored it while I could. Taking in everything, the weight of his arms on my collar bone, and the feeling of his chest on my back. I leaned my head back, looking up at him.

"I guess it makes sense." He replied, smiling, tilting his head to the side. "So archery?"

"Yes."

"…Maybe we can spar sometime?" He suggested. My mind was reeling having to face Guy and his close-combat, his quick footwork. Suffice to say, there was no way I could match his strength.

Suddenly, he was laughing, catching me at my blind spot.

"I was just kidding. It'd be unfair anyway. You don't have to look so scared." He grinned. I looked scared? How embarrassing.

I puffed my cheeks out in anger. "Perhaps I would be able to? Don't jump to conclusions, Guy."

"Is that a challenge?"

I felt my heartbeat quicken. I was too prideful to back out, too much of a novice to even live up to the dare. Suddenly, he smiled, leaned down, and kissed my forehead.

"I'm kidding." He admitted, the breath tickling my forehead, "I would never be able to fight you."

I felt my body shiver. He did it again. Charmed me with those words, hinting at so many feelings for me. During our 'dating' I wondered if he still charmed me on accident, or was now flirting intentionally.

I pouted, leaning into his chest, the warmth of him so good in the windy weather.

"…Quit it." I told him sternly, not yet ready to give in.

"Hm?"

"Quit it. Now."

"Quit what?"

It was like a personal challenge. If I gave in to Guy easily, then not only would he win, but it would show how little will I had. He probably didn't know this, but I did, and I'd be damned if I couldn't save some face while I was in love.

I looked back up to him. He looked confused, his eyebrows creased in puzzlement.

"Your flirting." I answered him, looking back to my headband, alone, casting a nice shadow, the rose, so small, a decoration. I didn't want to see him as I said this, my ears growing hot.

He was silent for awhile, then I felt his face bury into my hair. I could feel him smile.

"You're so cute, Natalia."

Then, I gave in, drowning once more in him, and his scent. Of course he'd say such a thing, laughing at me, but in a loving way. Ah, to fall in love with a man like this…how did I ever get here? It was all a blur already, but I didn't want to slow down anytime soon. With Guy, the moments went by fast, the world pushing me forward, and I was falling, already having chosen to plummet off that cliff. As I said before, the relationship was reckless, and it was everything I wasn't supposed to have, but every little thing I hungered for.

Him and only him.

I threw my head back, kissing him, the lips warm against mine. The wind blew by me again, but I was too warm, covered up by him, to feel it.

"Guy," I spoke, after we broke apart, "I have to go."

"So suddenly?"

No. I didn't. Or did I? I felt it again, that feeling of drifting, away from work, all my attention to him, focused on him, only. When this happened, I knew in the back of my mind that I should leave, and when I did, it was much later then I should've. The thought always nagged at me, but I ignored it, only drowning, being pulled deeper and deeper into the waters with him.

Not today, I promised myself. I had a bit of dignity, right?

"Alright."

But he agreed anyway, and we were getting up, myself retrieving my headband, placing it back on.

And while I did, he dipped down, catching my lips. Then, the chills, the warmth, the usual reaction to him.

"I'll see you later," he whispered, after breaking it off, "Okay?"

I nodded dumbly, and he smiled. He did it anyway, even when I stopped him. Charmed me, caught me, loved me with all of him.

I watched him go, thinking as I did so many times ago, how I had gotten into this messy, heart-throbbing, relationship.

And why I had no intention of getting out.

* * *

There were consequences.

While I loved Guy. Really loved him, no regrets (he never felt like a mistake back then), and found him to be perfect, it's not to say I didn't dream.

I wanted us to be an actual couple. I wanted to hold his hand in public, I wanted the freedom. I was soon growing tired of having to watch my words, my actions, of keeping it a secret from my father, from the country in general. It felt like…well, it felt like an affair. Which, I suppose it was, but still. I didn't like it.

Also, above all, I felt terrible to 'Luke'. Not the current Luke, but the one made the promise to me, the one waiting to come back in the recesses of Luke's mind. Hidden, buried, but there. And I was waiting for him.

(I would soon learn he wasn't in Baticul, he wasn't waiting for me. He was in Daath, and it was Asch.)

I felt regret and guilt, not that Luke would care. Or maybe he would; how could I be sure?

There were moments, of course. I knew Guy felt the same way, if only for a second, he still did.

"I would love to visit the beach."

He looked to me, blinking a bit, then smiling. "Have you ever gone?"

I flipped through the book once more. Poetry, again. It was about seagulls, if I recall correctly, reminding me of the ocean. I frowned, and glanced to him.

"Not really. I have, but barely." I answered, looking back to the book. It was a poem about winter. It was too warm to think about that, so I turned the page. He leaned on my shoulder, his warmth against my own. I found out Guy liked to touch me, casually, in small affectionate ways. Like making sure a dream was real, making sure this was all really happening. Whether it was a small brush of the hand, or a hand on the knee, he had to make sure, just one more time, to put himself at ease.

"Maybe I should take you." He suggested. I looked to him, imagining myself with Guy on the beach, maybe looking for seashells, or even watching the sunset with him, air salty and thick against us.

How terribly sappy a scene it was.

I smiled. But Guy was sappy. It was okay.

"Well, it sounds like a pleasant idea." I shrugged, faking indifference just to. I felt him smile.

"It's a date. So, when do you have a free day?" He asked, sitting up, head tilted to the side a bit. I felt my heart swell. A date. He actually said it. A date.

I admit. I was giddy. How silly love made me. Goodness, I was a princess and…

…Oh, who cares?

"Well," I began, "I suppose if I ask father, then-"

Then, I stopped, and felt a sharp pain in my heart. Reality had slapped me awake, jerked me away from this flighty daydream.

If I asked father he would know. If I took a short day trip with Guy it would be obvious. We couldn't. People would know, and it would start a scandal, and father would be ashamed of me and…

…We couldn't. We just couldn't. We were in a forbidden relationship.

I looked to him, and saw him look to the side. He was thinking the same thing.

It grew horribly silent. It was awkward moments like these, that one thing that hung in the air, one thing unspoken, the one thing we both wanted. The fact, the very thought of being a couple without scandal, without prosecution. Where we could walk outside, holding hands, without having to worry about the reputation of the country, the betrothal, or status differences.

I wasn't sure what to say in these situations. Should I say sorry? But what was the point? It fixed nothing, didn't take away everything that barred us from each other. It only was an excuse, a pathetic show of pity. To say sorry fixed nothing, it only threw away words. Those two words did nothing for anyone, and they were the laziest way of showing guilt, or pity or any other muddy feelings to those you weren't sure how to help.

So I only stayed quiet, and looked ahead, my heart aching.

Then, in these sorts of moments, Guy smiled, and changed the subject.

"Did I ever tell you I was trained in maritime rescue? Funny story how I decided to learn…"

And I looked to him, smiling a forced smile. "Do tell." I urged him. And he did.

We would silently agree to brush it under the rug, to ignore it, and go on like it never happened. Trying to push it to the side. We knew one day we would have to admit it was there, this want, this problem, but until then, we ignored it. It was never there, and if we agreed to that, then everything would be so much easier to live with.

But even with this, I had a breaking point. Or more so, I broke down accidentally, no way of planning it, just blowing up in my face when I least expected it.

"Oh!" I exclaimed, stopping in my tracks. It was another day, a different day, the sun beaming hot. Guy stopped with me, stumbling a bit.

"Natalia, what is it?" He asked me from behind. I turned to him, the castle framed behind him. I bit my lower lip in worry.

"I forgot something in my room." I told him, regrettably. He smiled a good-natured smile. Always quick to forgive, bothered scarcely.

"Alright. Do we have enough time to go get it?"

"I am guessing we do…"

"Then, let's go." He nodded, turning back to the castle. I felt a simmer in the bottom of my stomach. I was worried, and I felt bad. I followed after him, nonetheless.

Before I walked back into the castle, the sun burning at my back, I looked back to him.

"Guy, I don't want you to wait in this heat." I told him. He only smiled and shook his head.

"I'll be fine. You go on."

"You know it will take long."

"It's fine." He reassured me once more.

It wasn't. I loved Guy more then I should've, and because of this, I didn't want to bother him, not even a bit. I shook my head, walking back to him.

"I suppose I can just get it done tomorrow." I muttered as I past him. He grabbed my arm, pulling me back to him.

"Hey, come on. Are you that worried about me?" He asked quietly. I felt my ears heat, the hot weather's contribution having no part in it. I sighed, and nodded slowly.

"I don't want to bother you."

"It's not like I can waltz into your room without anything happening, sweetie." He frowned. I shook my head.

"Don't call me that," I corrected him, then "and I know that."

Oh, yes, how I knew that. If perhaps we were a _normal_ couple I wouldn't have to be concerned for him, we wouldn't be having this problem, and we could rightly go on our merry way if not for the small detour. But, we weren't. Oh no, god forbid we ever be in a normal relationship. Because, it is just so _horrible_ if I were to be in love with a servant, and-

…I hated moments like these. Where I wished so much to be in a normal relationship with Guy that I took my anger out on the unfairness of it all, when I very well understood why it was like this. It was for my country, it was for 'Luke'…I couldn't get angry like a temper tantrum-prone child.

…I digress.

Truthfully, I wanted him to only stay in the Main Hallway of the castle, but for him to come into my room…

Well.

It's not like anything would happen.

…We'd only been 'dating' for eight months.

Nothing would happen. It was fine. Guy was a gentleman.

…As I was saying.

He was quiet for awhile, thinking. I wasn't sure whether to say anything, so I let him think, and waited him to come up with a solution, or to agree, or _something_.

"I've got an idea." He smiled. It was as simple as that. A snap of the fingers, a solution; that was Guy. So sure of himself, easy to make the moment that much easier. He was a master of making it more comfortable for you.

Or maybe it was only me because he was in love with me. I'd never know.

He was then motioning me to follow him into the castle, and I did, to whatever scheme he was plotting, now unfolding in front of us.

"Hey, Lilliun." He called out to a maid as soon as we got inside. She had blonde curls, bouncing as she turned her head to Guy. She smiled and then walked toward him, arms outspread.

"Guy!"

"Ah!"

And then he was jumping back, scrambling really, like a surprised cat, shivering, right behind me. I sighed inwardly. Honestly.

"Oh, Princess Natalia!" Lilliun jumped back, seeing me. She smiled nervously, and bowed. "What a pleasure to see you!"

I crossed my arms, not too keen on her silly behavior. "As to you."

Regarding the girls' behavior towards Guy's phobia…of course I wasn't happy. He wasn't their toy he was _my_ 'boyfriend' and I wasn't happy with their teasing. It was juvenile, and I would have none of it. Of course I told this to him, asking Guy why he never stood up to them. He would only smile, and say it was all in good fun. It didn't bother him that much and he didn't want to be rude.

My boyfriend was too nice. Lovely.

"L-Lilliun," Guy whimpered behind me, afraid, peeking over my shoulder, "don't you have any mercy?"

She laughed, maybe used to this. "Oh, Guy, you're so cute sometimes." She smiled, hands on hips, head tilted to the side. She glanced to me, and placed her hands in front of her, then coughed. "B-But what is it?"

He left his hiding place, and stood up straight, trying to keep some face. "H-Have you seen Sophie?"

_Sophie?_ I thought. Had I heard this name somewhere? It felt like it… It was like a word that was on the tip of my tongue, buried, but a tip of it still able to be seen. If I dug just a bit deeper, I would be able to see all of it, then.

She tilted her head to the side, clearly thinking. "Well…" She spoke slowly, "I think she's cleaning the second floor hallway; left side."

Guy smiled, and nodded. "Thanks, Lilliun."

She winked. "Anytime. See ya." She looked to me and bowed. "Goodbye to you too, Princess Natalia."

"Of course." I spoke cautiously. Soon, Guy was walking and I followed him, leaving the maid behind. I felt jealousy burn at my heart for whatever reason. It was always like that when I saw Guy talk to other women kindly. He was a natural born flirt, his charming words given like candy to any giddy girl. And seeing as I was involved with him…of course I had a right to be jealous.

"…You know her?" I asked, as we walked. Servants gave me greetings as I passed, and I only smiled back. Guy slowed down a bit so as to walk by me.

"Yeah. She's Lilliun. She's really sweet." He smiled, and looked down to me. "You'd like her."

I nodded slowly. "…I see. But you'd let her approach you."

He frowned. "Sweetie-"

"Natalia." I corrected him for the umpteenth time.

He sighed, and nodded. "Natalia," He began as we climbed the stairs, "She means well. I really don't mind."

I shook my head. "Guy, if you persist with this attitude people will use you."

"I'll make sure they won't."

"I say this because I care for you. You have to stand up and-"

"Sophie!"

…And then I was forgotten, as he called out to another maid (How many did he know?) cleaning the banisters. I realized then, who she was. Her name, that night, it all came back to me.

The maid with the blue eyes.

She reacted differently to Guy's approach, even stepping back a bit as he walked to her. She saw me, and bowed.

"Princess Natalia, it's good to see you."

I smiled. "Thank you."

Now _this_ was how I liked my employees to act. She rose, and looked to Guy.

"What is it?"

He leaned in a bit closer to her, catching me off guard. What of his fear?

"You think you can sneak me into Natalia's room?" He whispered, loud enough for me to hear as well. I froze. What was he doing?! That was revealing too much! Guy was smarter then this, so what in the world was he planning?!

I felt worry clench my heart, and soon looked away. No, he…he knew what he was doing, right?

Right?

It was quiet for awhile, and I was on edge, wondering if I'd be pushed down, or helped up.

"…Fine. But you owe me."

And then they were walking, and I was following. By all of this, I felt blind in Guy's plan, kept in the dark. I didn't like it.

So, she led us there, sometimes telling us to wait where we were to check if the coast was clear. It really felt like a forbidden relationship then, a chance of being caught not far in the distance, a vague threat, but right behind us, looming and threatening. If we made even one wrong move, if even one person saw, it was all over, all ruined. I tried to remain wary, more so then usual, like I was stepping on eggshells.

I felt Guy pat my hand, a small of show of comfort. Then, I felt safe, if only for a bit.

"Okay." She whispered, just a precaution, "We're here. Hurry."

Then, Guy grabbed me, and we were in my room, Sophie following us, the door clicking shut. Sophie sighed, and turned around to see us.

"Don't make this an everyday thing, okay Guy?"

"I'll make sure not to." He smiled. I looked to between the two of them, feeling like a stranger in a foreign country, just as I had with Guy and Luke. I kept my eyes on the maid.

"…You are not surprised by this?"

She looked to me, not exactly surprised, but like she was expecting this. Expecting me to be worried, to be lost. And for awhile it felt like she was going to explain, leading me to the light, lamp in hand, my own in the other, when she smiled.

"Of course not, Your Highness. Guy has told me beforehand." She nodded. I quickly looked to Guy.

"You _told_ someone?" I asked, offended. He…He had done this without consulting me first? How-

"Sweetie, it was before I got with you." He held his hands up, like I had cornered him, like he was forced to confess to a crime. He smiled an apologetic smile. "And Sophie will be sure to keep it a secret."

I looked to her, and she bowed her head. "You have my word, Princess Natalia."

I blinked for awhile, then sighed. "Guy, we need to talk. And stop calling me sweetie." I walked past him, toward my bedroom. I could hear them talking behind me, unable to make out the words, before Guy caught up to me.

"What is it?" He asked, and I was soon searching in my drawer for the paperwork I had forgotten, neglecting the fact this was Guy's first time in my room. I found it, and flipped through it, making sure it was all there.

"Have you told anyone else?"

The only sound was the turning of pages, the rest silent. Was he considering his words?

"…Just Pere."

"Pere? Guy, he works for Duke Fabre, are you sure he won't-?"

"I'm sure. Don't worry. I wouldn't have told these people if I didn't trust them."

I looked up to him, examining his face. He looked so sincere, looking at me so innocently…

"…I trust you." I sighed. Perhaps I should tell him that Emperor Peony knew, from my side? No. It didn't matter. He was all the way in Malkuth and he had no reason to hurt us. It was fine.

I tucked the paperwork under my arm. "I'm done here, so-"

"What's this?"

I soon realized Guy had left my sight when I turned it back to the papers. I looked to where his voice was coming from, my ears soon heating. He was examining a stack of books on fonmachinery on my desk. I shook my head.

"I-It's nothing! Let's go!"

But he wasn't ready to leave, soon flipping through the pages. He looked up to me. "I thought you weren't interested in this."

His voice sounded so strict, maybe even mischievous if you looked to deep into it. I looked to the side, away from him, examining the wallpaper.

"I-I'm not."

"Then why-?"

"Because…s-something came up."

"…Is it for me?"

I felt my heart jump and shook my head. "Of course not! Do not flatter yourself! Let's go!" I exclaimed, flustered, soon turning. How embarrassing! I mean, yes, I loved Guy, but I'd be damned if I turned into some breathless, lovesick fool! I wasn't _that_ infatuated…I still had some pride! I…

…Oh goodness, I'm in love.

I felt him grab my shoulder. "Wait, wait, what's wrong, Natalia? I'm not making fun of you. Was it for me?"

I sighed heavily, not turning to look at him. "…Yes. Now can we go? I'll be late if we don't…if we don't hurry up."

It was a lie. Still, I needed an excuse.

Then he was kissing my cheek from behind, and his breathe was right in my ear. "It's sweet."

The chills up my spine and everything. No. I was a fool, no matter how hard I tried not to be. I wasn't convincing anyone otherwise, not even myself. I was a fool.

A fool in love.

"…Can we go now?" I whispered back, looking behind to him. He smiled.

"This is the first time I've seen your room. Can't I see more?"

I pursed my lips. "It would be rude."

"That's why I'm asking for permission."

I looked to the side. "Let's go, Guy."

He got to see more of it. With due time, and help from Sophie, he got to visit my room more. It was more private and dangerous then the garden, and it got us much more closer. Intimate, even.

…I digress.

Of course, he had his opinions on it. The first being:

"…It's bigger then mine."

"Of course; I'm a princess. You're not exactly a noble, Guy."

He only smiled at this. I didn't know then. I didn't know a lot then.

That was the thing about him, too. He never told me an ounce on his past. As long as we had been together, I didn't hear anything about it. He was able to keep me preoccupied with something else, keeping it hidden behind his back, convincing me there was nothing to see, just move on now. Whether it was with words, or with himself, he always directed my attention to something else. Whenever I brought the subject up, he would only smile, and side step the subject gracefully, so effortlessly. He was a mystery, as intriguing to me as ever. One day I wanted to open him, read all about him, learn every single thing.

But he never let me, only teasing me with a coy smile, keeping all to himself. So easily, so perfectly. All Guy.

In any rate, Guy was allowed into my room. Of course, we just chatted, cuddling, being in love. Sophie was ever helpful, and always a mystery to me. And there was something. Something I couldn't shake. Perhaps I am too wary, or maybe I am too sensitive. But I had to make sure of one thing.

"Guy, what is Sophie to you?"

He looked up to me. We were sitting on the couch, his head on my lap as I played with his hair. He closed his eyes.

"She's a friend." He answered, simply.

"…A friend."

"Yeah."

"Guy, I see how you are with other women."

He smiled. "It's fine, darling. Sophie's just a friend. She doesn't even think of me like that."

I sighed. "Don't call me darling. And Guy, we need to talk about that."

"About what? The pet names?"

"No," I sighed, and leaned my head on my hand, my elbow on the armrest. "That's already been discussed. What I mean is your flirting."

He opened his eyes and looked at me, air getting serious. I knew this look. Whenever I wanted to talk, he always looked like he was getting ready to get into a battle, one he didn't care to win, just one to get through with.

You can't blame us. We were a couple. Couples fight. We're only human, and I have expectations. I wasn't risking my reputation for nothing, you know.

"Alright," He said, "Talk."

"I don't like how you flirt with others. That needs to change."

I admit I _might _have been jealous. _Might_ have been. I mean; he was with me now, and for him to sweet talk others was not only rude but…unnerving. I didn't fear losing him, but for others to expect a chance with him when he was very well taken…

…Well, no one _knew_ he was taken, but still. _He_ knew. And to lead on others when he knew that was rude? I wouldn't tolerate it. I was doing it for those poor girls. I wasn't jealous. No, no of course not, what was I thinking? It wasn't for me at all. Really.

Really.

...Don't look at me like that.

"You know I can't help it." He shrugged, "It just comes naturally."

"Then don't treat them so nicely."

"Sweetheart, I can't be _rude_ to them."

"Stop calling me that. And…well don't _flirt_ with them."

"Like I said, it's hard not to." He shrugged once more. I sighed, pushing all his hair out of his face, his forehead shown, his face so clear.

"…Guy what do you think of women? In general?"

"They're all cute." He grinned.

…Honestly.

I sighed heavily, and leaned my head back, looking at the ceiling. I placed my palm flat on his forehead, like one would do when checking another's temperature.

"Natalia…"

"Guy, really." I sighed, "I don't want wish to speak right now." I felt a buzz in the back of my head, a headache blooming, ready to spider-web its way through my head. While Guy was perfect, even I knew he had his flaws, and right then and there, I was tired of him. Or perhaps just generally tired. Either way, I wasn't feeling in fit form.

It was quiet for awhile and I closed my eyes, trying to calm the pulsing in the back of my mind.

Then, he was on me.

It caught me off guard really. How he just climbed on top of me, pulling me under him. Before I could even utter a yelp, my legs were at an awkward angle, somewhat on the couch, then not really, my head against the armrest, my arm above me, the other pulled to my chest, and his face was right over mine.

"Alright." He whispered, "Then I won't look at any other woman than you. I'll only compliment you. How about that?"

I felt my cheeks redden, his scent overtaking me. I was instinctively listening for his heartbeat, soon realizing I wasn't close enough to hear it.

My mind tried to catch up with the moment, and I tried to stay calm, tried to keep my cool. I soon looked to the side, not allowing myself to succumb to his charm.

"…I'm holding you to that."

He only smiled, and kissed me, soon getting up.

Did I mention Guy easily made me blush? I think it goes without saying. And _that_ was why I fought back the urge to give in so much.

Because it was so easy to, there _must_ have been something wrong with it.

…In any case.

Then, always, there was the mysterious Sophie. She was…not like any other maids. Perhaps it was because of that night, the night that was so like a lucid dream, which changed her in my eyes. She had seen me at my most vulnerable, hadn't said a word, unless she was asked. It was hard for her to go back into the visage of 'Just another servant' and, just like Guy when he helped me stopped crying, she turned into something more.

And with helping our affair? Well, she became more than 'Just another servant' and to someone who knew my most well-kept secret.

Of course, she treated me with courtesy, as her employer, as her ruler. She addressed me as 'Princess', answered politely, and left the room as soon as she got Guy in, in a very unassuming manner. I learned I _could_ trust her, and felt more comfortable around her then the other maids. My previous guesses of a relationship between her and Guy were soon eased, and I trusted her.

She kept to herself, mostly, though. I _did_ try to get to know her better, however, it seemed she desired no friendship with me, and happily stayed as just a maid to me.

"Sophie, tell me something."

"Yes, your Highness?"

She cleaned out the fireplace in my room, back hunched over, soot in a container next to her, humming softly a song I didn't know. She scrubbed the floor of it with such vigor; it made me wonder how strong the maids in the castle were.

"How did you and Guy meet?" I asked simply, sitting at the table in my room, paperwork splayed out, pen in hand. All getting the work done.

She raised her head, some ashes having blackened her cheek, and blinked for awhile. Always, those sharp, blue eyes, so piercing, yet bright.

"Well," she began, "I saved him."

I had a sudden image of Guy in the likeness of a princess kept captive from the prince by the evil witch, like so long ago in those fairy tales I was told daily. It took all I had not to laugh.

"S-Save him?" I stuttered. She nodded.

"Yeah."

"How so?"

"Well, I was visiting a friend who worked at the Fabre manor, when I saw this crowd of maids." She began, then sitting back on her heels, getting comfortable, straightening back, "And I went to see what was up."

She placed her hands on her lap, then looked up, perhaps looking for the rest of her story. She continued.

"Then I saw him. You know about his phobia," she quickly added in, "And he was completely terrified. And they were all just coddling him, cooing, and whatnot. I felt bad for him." She shrugged, then turned to look at me.

"So I ordered them to get back to work, to leave the poor guy alone. Of course, they all ran off, and then it was just him and me."

She stayed quiet for awhile. "…Me and Guy."

I nodded, not sure why, but feeling it appropriate. For some reason, she looked older then, so mature, like she could've been an older sister of someone; and who knew? Maybe she was.

"And I asked him if he was okay, and he said thanks. And the rest is history." She shrugged, "History."

And right there, with her sleeves rolled up, her face dirtied, and a few strands loose from her ponytail, Sophie looked like the wisest woman in the entire world. I wasn't sure why I felt this, why I felt respect for her…but she deserved it in a way. At least, to put up with this affair, to be so well-mannered and kind, I thought she did.

I nodded slowly. "Thank you for telling me that."

She smiled a most pretty smile.

"Anytime, Princess Natalia."

* * *

I was born on Remday, Rem-Decan 37. Nearing my seventeenth birthday, it was cold, nearing the end of the year, and I was busier then I had been in my whole life.

"My birthday?"

He had smiled at me, such a warm smile, and nodded.

"It's coming up, isn't it?"

"You remembered?"

"Well, yeah."

I could feel my heart lift and swell. He was a sweetheart, as always.

"I-I see…" I looked to the side, my vision focused on the tea in front of me. We were staying at a coffee shop, the warmth of his knee against mine keeping it warm, the rest of my calf cold by the weather. I looked back to him, and it was like a portrait, the shadows just right, his coat on the back of the chair, his face normal, a sort of comforting normal. I was reminded once more how handsome Guy was, and how in love I could be. He began to speak once more, adding milk to his coffee. (I couldn't stand the drink; it was too bitter for my tastes. I always opted for tea.)

"What are you going to do for it? The usual party at the castle?" He asked, and stirred, the spoon clinking at the sides. I nodded.

"Yes, we will invite our closest friends, and have a meal. Of course my birthday score shall be read, and father tells me," I trailed off, taking a sip of my tea, then resuming, "that he has a special present planned for me." I smiled.

"Excited?" He guessed.

"But, of course."

He smiled at me, and I looked to the side, shyly. It was the peaceful moments like these that I valued the most.

"Your cake?"

Then, we both jolted awake, looking to the owner of the voice. The waitress. That's right. We had ordered cake as well, Guy insisting, saying he had enough to pay. Said person nodded.

"Oh, right." He smiled at her. I had a sudden simmering in my stomach when I saw her blush, but shrugged it off.

"The cheesecake for the madam," she placed the plate in front of me, myself uttering a thank you, "and the chocolate cake for Guy." She said with a wink. He only smiled, and gave her a thank you as well. When she left, I looked to him, trying not to be jealous. I was trying to fix that; after all, proper ladies are, of course, proper.

"You're well-known?"

He looked up to me, picking up his fork. He shrugged, giving me an easy-going smile. "I guess so. I have a lot of friends in Baticul."

"Mmm." I only offered, picking up my fork, and taking a bite. It wasn't the best I had eaten, but it wasn't the most horrible, either. It was good.

"You know, every time we come here…" He trailed off, looking to the side. I looked up to him, not liking the edge.

"What?"

"Well, you always order cheesecake. Why?"

I smiled, happy he would've noticed this, somewhat surprised that this was true. We frequented this coffee shop on most of our 'dates', and they had a wonderful selection of pastries…was it only that I chose? Really?

"Well, perhaps it's due to the fact that I like cheese." I looked down to the dessert, slicing myself a piece, the reflection of it on the fork. "Cream cheese included."

I brought it to my mouth, studying his face. He looked contemplative, like he was in a whole different world, already planning something. He nodded.

"I see…"

"Which reminds me, we're going to have to choose a different place to meet." I sighed, "Or else it will look suspicious."

"I'll look for a place, okay?"

It was hard to talk about it like it was an affair. At times like this, the normal moments, the one of peace, was when it generally felt like we were a normal couple. Any other pair of lovers, one you would see on a date, pondering about them, but never for too long. Just another thing to see in society.

But, no. We weren't. We were forbidden lovers; some even might consider me cheating on Luke if they wanted to. Guy betraying him. Myself involved in a scandalous affair, one that would ruin me, and one that would shame me to no end.

Which was why I enjoyed the comforting, normal moments. Because they never let me think of that.

A thought struck me, pulling me from my current train of thought.

"Actually," I spoke slowly, taking another bite of my cake, "I won't be able to see you for awhile."

"Why? Business trip?"

From beneath my lashes I could see him look hurt. Sad. A normal sort of sadness, like a soft letdown was given, but sadness nonetheless.

"No. With my party coming up, I want to get all my work out of the way, so I won't have to worry during it. I'll be very busy so…"

"…Alright. Makes sense."

And he made it seem so easy. Perhaps I was clingy? I hope not…

"You won't be able to see me at the party either, I can assume?" I asked, knowing very well the answer. If Guy couldn't visit my earlier parties, there is no reason saying he could now.

"I have to watch Luke while the Madame and Duke are at your party, so I guess not." Then, he looked down to his coffee, only staring, making no move to pick it up. "By the way, what do you want?"

"Pardon?"

"For a present."

I looked to the side, thinking. Was there anything I really desired? Well, there was a peal necklace I had seen some time ago in a window display…

…I then remembered Guy was only a servant, his paycheck, and how it would be impossible for him to afford such a trinket. I shrugged, and chose the easiest answer.

"I'm sure you'll pick out something lovely." I only smiled. He frowned, bringing the fork from his mouth after swallowing.

"I was afraid you'd say that." He sighed. I blinked.

"Is there a problem with that?"

"Well, sweetie-"

"Natalia." I quickly intervened.

"…Natalia, it's hard to decide something. I mean, you're a princess, and…you have everything."

"Not true." I shook my head, crossing my arms, "And anything you get me I will love, rest assured."

He glanced up to me, then back to his coffee. "…I'll think of something."

And after leaving the café, a few minutes (I hadn't kept count) in an alleyway, a breathless goodbye, and a hearty kiss, Guy was gone; it had been four weeks since I had seen him.

And it gave me time to think. About how Guy had looked, so sad, perhaps disappointed. But in who? Himself? His words, the ones saying I had 'everything' always came back to me, and I worried about him. True, I was a princess; I'll proudly admit to that. And he was only a servant, and I wondered: Did Guy ever feel inferior?

Well, not inferior in the sense as a person, but as one who couldn't please me. Who wasn't rich enough to provide any sort of expensive gifts, only able to give his love. We had faced this conflict before, not with wealth, but with touch. He had professed the reason he hugged me that first time, was because the words weren't enough at the time. Sometimes, we must go the extra mile, must jump just one more hurdle, else life will be boring. In a race, it was more interesting, just like life, to have a hurdle every now and then. If not then everything is just so horribly mundane. The chase is more interesting then the goal. Some people live for that sole reason only, even.

And because of this, I worried about Guy. Oh, yes, I was terribly busy, but I tried my best to see him.

Except he was busy, too.

"Yes, I'm going to see Guy now, your Highness. Why do you ask?"

I had caught up with Sophie, a red scarf around her neck, leaving the castle doors. I looked to the side. I had to make this quick; I had a meeting with the director of the clinic in thirty minutes.

"Well, could you ask him if he has any free time tonight?" I whispered, eyes surveying the area, keeping everything hush-hush. She frowned.

"I don't think he will be. He's working on some project."

"Project?"

"Fontech, your Highness."

I felt disappointment sink in my heart, but ignored it. There would be other times. Surely.

"I-I see. Never mind, then." I shook my head. She smiled, offering a bit of condolences, and left.

Except it was always like that. It was always this 'project' he had, and never would there be time for us.

Even if he had time to spare, I was still busy myself, and there was just no time for romance in work.

* * *

I hadn't been able to see Guy for a total of seven weeks, consecutively.

I sighed, leaning back in the tub, the water warm, and soapy, the scent of it sweet, of lavender. I looked down to the tiled floor of the washroom, white and shiny, like pearl, but duller.

I lifted a leg, wet and slick, leaning it against one of the edges. I felt the cold wrap it up, making it chilly.

And all _I_ could think about was the last time I saw Guy.

I sunk down in the tub, letting the water reach my chin. I brought my leg down, my body from the neck down submerged, warming me right up. Another thought rushed through me.

Was it my birthday present?

I smiled to myself, remembering his 'project' and shook my head. No; things like that only happened in fiction, entirely too sappy a thing to do. Besides, what would it be? A dreadnaught? An airship?

Well, it would be amusing at best.

Then, I remembered; Guy was the romantic type. It was possible. But what could it possibly be?

I came up with nothing, deciding when I had the time, to read the Fontech books I still had, so as to come up with some suitable guesses.

But, later.

"Princess Natalia?"

I looked toward the maid who had addressed me. "Yes?"

"Are you about done yet?"

I examined her face, then the other maids' then up to the ceiling. Soaking in bathwater would get me nowhere knowing what it was, even as relaxing as it was.

"…Yes."

The remaining maids in the bathroom readied their towels as one helped me from the bath, and they proceeded to dry me.

"You took longer than usual, your Highness," one commented, "Your hands are all pruney!"

I glanced at one, embarrassed to find it true. I looked ahead once more. "Yes, well …I was thinking." I muttered.

"About what, if we may ask?"

I looked at them, and then ahead. "Do I have anything planned today?"

"Well," one cleared her throat, "this afternoon there is a grand opening of the shopping center in the coliseum, and you have several meetings lined up."

"This afternoon? Do I have nothing before?"

"No, your Highness."

I thought for awhile. Free time, at last. What could I do with it…?

"Prepare my dress." I ordered, one helping me into my bathrobe.

"Right away, Princess."

"The blue one." I quickly added. She looked back, then nodded, scurrying off.

"A special occasion? You have nothing planned for awhile…" One asked next to me. I looked at her; she had brown hair, pulled into a braid, her cheeks somewhat flushed. I vaguely wondered if she had not yet gotten used to her job, but shrugged off the thought, and smiled.

"I've decided to visit Luke, is all." I answered, and walked back to my room. Behind me, I heard them whispering, unknowledgeable to my unintentional eavesdropping.

"So _that's_ who she was thinking about; Master Luke." They giggled.

I smiled inwardly.

_Not Luke; Just Luke's servant._ I thought giddily. A secret, all to myself.

* * *

"Commandant Grants." I bowed, caught off guard by all of this. "A pleasure to see you."

He smiled. "A pleasure to see you as well, Princess Natalia. What brings you to the Fabre manor?"

I looked to the side, behind him, seeing the sword that Guy had been looking on that day, so long ago. I shook my head. "Well, I was planning to visit Luke, but I have seemed to forgotten it was a training day." I laughed, generally embarrassed by all of this. Why hadn't I taken such a thing into consideration? Doing things on a whim in the first place…

Goodness.

"That's unfortunate. Perhaps you can watch us train?" He spoke softly. Well, Van was kind, kind enough to not smirk or snarl. I could at least find comfort in that. I nodded.

"Yes…that sounds-"

"Master Van!"

Then there was that voice I knew so well, and my heart skipped a beat, already knowing who it was, even when I saw him. Luke, wooden sword in hand, red hair flying behind him.

"Ah, Luke. It's good to see you. You've grown." Van greeted with his husky voice, so warm and comforting. I could see Luke blush, looking to the side, smiling so timidly.

"I guess I have. Oh, and Master Van, I perfected the technique! You know; the one you taught me!" He grinned. I felt out of place, all of a sudden. It was like I was looking into his world, not yet earned the right to be apart of it. The outside cold, the glass on my palms, as I tried to peer in.

"That's good to hear, Luke." He glanced to me, "Someone is here to see you, by the way."

Then, he was turning to me, and frowning, that smile slipping, seeing me. The nerve.

"Oh," he spoke slowly, eyes looking me up and down, "Natalia."

Honestly, I _was _here to see Luke, along with wanting to visit Guy. I still loved him (or maybe more so stayed attached to the promise), and I would make sure to keep that love there. While I very well know I was with Guy for the moment, and staying attached to Luke was unfair to both of them…it made me feel safe. The promise was my safety blanket of sorts, always at hand. If I ever felt my love for Kimlasca slipping, I could just close my eyes, and repeat the words he had said, so long ago. I could just reach for it, wrap it around myself, and remember why I loved my country, why I should be proud for this responsibility.

And why I loved Luke.

Even now, I was repeating it, the words I knew so well, could even pronounce out of order if I wished. Like a song you heard so much, you could just sing along with it, unaware of your actions. I repeated these words, reminding me that I loved him. I was going to marry him, and that would be the best day of my life. Really.

"Luke, I've missed you!" I smiled, keeping the image of a proper wife-to-be, "I'm sorry I haven't visited you in awhile."

He looked away from me, his previous joy killed. "It's fine, I guess." He looked back to me, "But look," he began, "I'm training today, so could you, like, wait? Come back later?"

It took all I had to not glare at him. "I thought I could watch." I offered, kindly. His face suddenly turned into one of disappointment, not even taking the time to hide it.

"Luke," Van, cut in. The only adult in the room, it seemed, "Why not let the Princess watch?"

"Cause she'll be a distraction." He sighed, looking at the commandant. "She can visit another time if she wants."

"But I'm terribly busy," I added, before Van could speak to him, "Seeing as my birthday is coming up."

Van was the first to respond. "Ah, that's right. I'm sorry I won't be able to attend, your Highness. Happy Birthday, nonetheless."

"Thank you, commandant." I nodded. Then, in the middle of formalities, of proper exchanges, Luke cut in, bumbling, and messing it all up.

"Your birthday is coming up?"

It was like an insult.

"You didn't know?" I asked, getting a flash of Guy, in the coffee shop, shadows cast just right, a beautiful picture of him. Of course _he_ would remember. Not Luke. Goodness no.

He shrugged, his head tilting to the side a bit, the red strands following suit. "No."

It was such a blunt answer, it took me awhile to realize it was even said. Back then, Luke was a very frank person, saying what was on his mind, comforted by the fact that he was the Duke's son and nothing bad would happen. He was pampered, he was headstrong; he was Luke, and I loved Luke.

And to this day, he is Luke and he's hard-working and he's my friend. I loved that Luke too, but for a completely different reason.

But for now, he had long-hair, and he had gotten on my last nerve.

"I remember your birthday! How is it you can not give me the same courtesy?" I asked, my words stiff and my self offended. Not even the promise could cover this up.

"You don't have to bite my head off. Geez, you're always such a nag." He sighed, crossing his arms, and looking away. I felt the anger burn at my neck.

"Luke, that's a rude thing to say! I'm going to be your wife soon enough, and you should at least remember my birthday!"

"Stop yelling already! And stop reminding me about that!"

"Why? Because you're too selfish to care?"

"_I'm_ selfish?! You're the nag; the wannabe-Queen!"

"Luke! Princess Natalia! Quit this arguing this minute!" Van's voice boomed above us, cutting off the anger, quieting the storm. I froze, his gentle voice scary when raised. I glanced to Luke. He had the same look.

"Luke," he spoke slowly. I think by the twitch of Luke's shoulder he had shivered. In fear, or attention, I never knew. "Let's go. We need to talk in private."

He frowned and shook his head. "But Master Van-!"

"Luke," then his voice grew softer, so much, even _I _thought he cared, "please."

Luke looked to me, catching me off guard. He didn't look angry, more so annoyed. He let his eyes linger before returning to Van.

"…Alright."

And then they were walking, Luke's head ducked, like a dog that had been scolded, a misbehaving child having gotten a taste of his own medicine. I learned later that Van had lectured Luke to treat me better, to be more kindly to the woman he would be spending his whole life with. I didn't know this now, but as Van turned back to me, I don't think I really cared.

"Princess, why not take a walk? Maybe you can come back later." He offered, giving me a smile, and then they were gone with a creaking of the hinges, and a closing of the door.

And in spite of me, I felt bad for Luke. I knew I was supposed to feel angry, it would've been normal to have that after-taste of spite, but I didn't. I loved him, and for that, I worried for him. I hated how all I ended up doing was scolding him, was arguing and just wished once, that we could be like other engaged couples. In love, smitten, looking forward to that day. That day when he would take my hand, and utter those words so softly.

"I do…" I whispered to myself, and sighed, shaking my head. But now, it was all a far-fetched dream, only useless hoping. I could never have that day, but maybe if he remembered, I could.

Maybe. All I had to fall back on was maybe. My only defense, the only thing I could rely on. And when one only had a single chance to fall on, you have to wonder how they can have such hope.

I picked apart these thoughts as I wandered through the halls of the Fabre manor. Of course Luke wouldn't want to see me today, after that fiasco. And I came uninvited, so it would be rude to visit Aunt Susanne…

And-

…And has there always been a door next to the guest room?

My thoughts swirled down the drain as the new one filled up it's place. This was the first time I had seen it…Or perhaps taken notice of it. I never ventured through this part of the manor, not since I was a child, playing hide-and-go-seek with Luke. It was strange, surreal, to know I didn't know this place throughout. Perhaps it was because I had no other way to spend my time, perhaps it was because no one else occupied the hall, and maybe it was even because I was curious, eager to explore, that I closed the space between me and it.

I turned the knob, and entered.

The first thing I noticed was the deep red of the walls. A typical thing in House Fabre, Duke Fabre greatly proud of our country. After that, I noticed the banners bearing the Kimlascan symbol.

And one of them was pinned up. To hide it, to get it out of that person's sight. I was confused why one would do this, but my train of thought was diverted noticing the two beds. I was in someone's room, and whose it was, I didn't know.

I walked in slowly, closing the door behind me. I knew it was immensely rude to barge into one's room without permission, but I didn't particularly care at the moment, my curiosity too piqued to ignore it.

It felt abnormal to be in a stranger's room, a bit exciting from what I was used to, as well at the thought of the owner coming in. I wasn't sure what my excuse would be, but I was sure I could scrounge something up if the moment struck. On one side of the room was decorated with plants, flowers, a sort of earthy smell permeating through the air. There were books-on either sides- stacked in shelves.

And then it struck me when I saw the other side.

Fontech. Guy. Guy's room?

I felt my heartbeat quicken, suddenly having a feeling of loneliness rush after the last emotion. I hadn't seen him for so long, yet here I was.

…Well. I had nothing else to lose. Why not just take a look? It wouldn't hurt if I left quickly after a peak.

No. It would be rude.

Well, he had seen _my_ room, so where was the hurt?

It was impolite. _That_ was the hurt. I didn't have his permission, so I had no reason or granted consent to be there.

I turned on my heel, my eye catching on something on his desk, some sort of machine, screws and tools scattered. This was what had me stop in my tracks, in what was right, and stray from the path.

Guy was probably busy, I told myself. He's probably got a lot to do, and won't be back until later. Just a quick peak. Besides, it looked like he was working on something, that 'project' Sophie was telling me about, and…

…Well. Curiosity killed the cat.

And I wasn't a cat. I would be fine.

I walked to his desk, trying to be delicate so as to show no sign someone had been there. I picked up a screwdriver, turning it over, observing it, then putting it down, my eyes scanning over everything else.

No, this was foreign to me. All of it. I was getting nothing from it, and what he had so far didn't look comprehendible. I saw a book, open to a diagram that might as well been in a completely different language. I understood none of this, and that angered me. Nights of drinking up any knowledge the Fontech books had to offer, and still I was miles behind. Perhaps falling asleep while in the middle of reading them had something to do with it. I wouldn't know.

I left the contraption alone, letting my eyes wander to his bookshelf. What did Guy read?

There were books there, on swordsmanship, fonmachinery, and…Hod? Guy had an interest in the Hod war and the country itself? Who knew?

I flipped through one of them, a page opening on it's own, as if there was a bookmark.

But it wasn't a bookmark. It was a sketch.

A quick sketch with wild lines forming one whole picture. I knew Guy could draw, somewhat, trying out so many blueprints of anything he could think of. He had said himself he knew his way around, not well, but it was okay.

But this wasn't a blueprint. This was a drawing of a woman.

She had short hair, reaching her chin, sharp eyes, her mouth thin. Like she wanted to say something meaningful, but was thinking against it. Saving words for another occasion, for another time when they would have more impact. Be more meaningful.

I squinted my eyes. Had I seen her somewhere? She looked familiar…

Oh.

She sort of looked like Guy.

Not completely, but here and there. The same set jaw-line, the same thin nose…they had different shaped eyes (Guy's were more round), but they…it was like they were related.

Then it struck me.

A relative of Guy's?

My heart raced, as my finger traced over the drawing, the granite smudging only a bit under my fingertip. Guy had never spoke of his family. Always changing the subject, always sidestepping the questions. He once told me he had no parents, but that was it. He never told me what happened to them, if he had brothers or sisters, of his uncles or aunts, or…anything. Guy was still an enigma, keeping to himself, not trusting me with the truth.

Or perhaps ignorance was bliss. Maybe I wasn't meant to know.

Guy had come like wind, so quietly, to the Fabre manor. Pere had brought him in, hand on shoulder, asking the Duke for a position to work there. And since Guy had been close to Luke's age, he became his personal attendant, just another fancy way of saying playmate.

I can still remember my first meeting with Guy. He had been so kind, so sweet.

(I would learn later it had been faked, just to get closer to us, to ease us into false comfort. But that comes later. Much later.)

He looked different from any of the other servants, his eyes so bright, hair blond, rare for someone from Kimlasca (he never claimed he was; we all just assumed). He was much more handsome then Luke, and he mostly kept to himself.

And then he saw me crying and he became more.

Still he was a mystery. Always one. He didn't come from Baticul, but he never told me his homeland. For all I knew he could've been a Malkuthian. An enemy.

I shoved these thoughts to the side. No. Guy was kind, was honest, and he would hold no harm to neither me, nor Luke. He was Luke's friend. He was my lover.

I could trust him.

I began to close the book, until I saw a name scribbled in Ancient Ispanian.

Marybelle Radan Gardios.

Gardios? Had I heard that name? It pestered me at the back of my mind, but I came up with nothing.

I closed the book. It didn't matter. I decided to store it in my memory anyway, for a time to ask Guy questions.

But not now.

I wasn't close enough.

I slid the book in its spot, and let my eyes wander once more. He had swords on his wall, fonmachinery scattered, and…sheet music? Guy was interested in music?

It seemed there was a lot I didn't know about him. But it was fine.

I had our whole lives ahead of us to.

I sat on his bed, not caring for the consequences. It was unusually firm compared to mine, but then again, he was a servant, and it was to be expected. I lied down, and caught a whiff of something.

The bed smelled like him.

Well, of course it would, seeing as he slept on it. But it was strangely comforting, and before I knew it, I longed to hear his heartbeat, even if he wasn't there. It had been so long since I had seen him, and I missed him so much…

I grabbed his pillow, hugging it, and closed my eyes, breathing in. It smelled subtle, but good. Like soap.

Like him.

I smiled to myself, chills running up my body, getting that giddy feeling of love again. And I knew this is what everyone dreamt of, wished for, and talked about. This feeling was love, and it felt delightful. Wonderful.

The closest thing we all had to a miracle.

My shoulders slumped, and I could feel my whole body relax at the thought of him. Of his sweet smile, his 'close-enough-for-comfort' hugs, his loving words…I loved Guy. Yes, yes, I loved him. Dearly, truly, madly.

I loved him.

I turned on my side, getting more comfortable, and opened my eyes.

And I was looking straight at the one who completed the place.

Guy.

"Ohmygoodness!" I yelled, the words running together, my heart pounding; I scrambled up, hand over heart, thumping madly against my chest.

Busted.

"Natalia?"

I froze, taking him in, after being away for so long. I felt my ears heat being found in such a position and turned my head. Oh, I know I shouldn't have stayed around, why did I…?

…What a fine example of a princess I was.

The room was quiet, an awkward air having blown in, no place for it to escape. I found myself studying the wall, like it was the most important thing in the world. Or maybe I was looking for some excuse as to why I was acting as I had been, or maybe even for some sort of hole to crawl through, to escape through.

There would be none. I had been caught red-handed, and I knew what I was guilty for.

For being so madly in love with him.

He closed the door behind him, and I could hear his footsteps approaching me. I didn't turn to look at him, too embarrassed, the moment going too fast to make any strategy to win.

Then his breathe, so warm, was on my ear.

"Sweetie," he whispered, "what are you doing?"

I blushed, and jumped back, hand flying to ear. "D-Don't do that! Guy!"

He chuckled, and for some reason, I couldn't be angry with him. Not at all.

I looked away again, and his fingers brushed my cheek. Guy was warm, every bit of him. His touches, his smiles, his personality. Blocking out the cold of loneliness, not too much to make one hot with angry. He was warm, just right. Just right.

Just perfect.

"I'm sorry. You just looked so…funny."

I don't think my face could get any hotter then it was then.

I gulped, and studied the machinery I had been looking at before, vaguely curious as to what he was building, and if it related to why he wasn't able to see me, "…I'm sorry. I shouldn't have entered your room without permission, and-"

"No, no, it's fine. What are you doing here?"

I turned my head back to him, fiddling with my hands, unsure of what to do, if I was even allowed there, another place so foreign to me. It made me feel awkward, like one stumbling into a party they find out weren't invited to. Something to that affect.

"Well…" I trailed off, all attention to my hands, not him, "I was here to see Luke, and…we argued and I thought I would look around…"

The fight seemed so long ago, my worry for Luke replaced by my embarrassment of being caught. It was like the spotlight was blinding me, questions shot from each side, unable to catch up to it all. Interrogation, no mercy offered.

"You two argued?"

I nodded. "Y-Yes…"

I looked back up to him, daring myself to. I had broken the rules, so it was time for me to face the consequences.

Yet, he was smiling, a tired smile.

"What was it about this time?"

It caught me off guard, but I knew why he asked that. It was routine by now, my rants, the anger with Luke. I was frustrated, and he was always there to listen, to not judge. To be there, holding me, smoothing over my hair, cooing into my ear it was quite alright. That I was human and I had problems too.

But even if I wanted to, the time just didn't seem appropriate, the mood killed. I sighed, and shook my head, holding myself.

"It doesn't matter now." I looked around the room, trying to seem casual, swimming back to an island I knew well, to something with comfort, "So this is yours?"

"Well," he shrugged, "I share the room with Pere, so not all of it is."

"The side with the Fontech is yours, isn't it?"

He laughed. "That easy to tell, huh?"

Hearing his laugh eased the air, the unnerving air. I peeked up to him from the side of my eyes, and looked him over.

I was so in love, it was just plain improper.

And good.

"You have time off?" Guy asked, his voice soft, hinting that he missed me. I knew he would, and to be reassured this felt nice.

"Just for now. What time is it?"

I looked back to him, as he looked at the clock on the wall. "…Ten-eighteen."

"I have to leave by eleven."

He looked to back to me, and smiled. Then, he was holding me, and I searched for the heartbeat, finding it, then let myself drown in him, his smell, his love.

Guy's love.

Our love.

"It's been so long." He muttered into my shoulder, his breathe tickling the skin. I closed my eyes and smiled, my arms circling around him, his shoulder I was barely able to look over. Guy had a tendency to hold me tight, cushion me in his chest; the angled shoulders of him barely allowing me to look over, the height difference apparent. He held me tightly as if to prove this was real, to hold a dream for a moment. Or maybe to hold me down, in fear I would fly away, if I wasn't.

"I…missed you."

Such a clichéd line. But it was honestly all I could think of saying of at the moment, my mind fogged, my senses noticing him only. I could feel myself sinking under the surface, but it was okay. I had time, I could let my hair down, I could let myself go. It was okay.

"I missed you, too, sweetie."

"Natalia." I muttered.

"…Natalia." He laughed, finding my corrections cute by now. It was annoying, but I decided to not let it get to me, to just focus on that heartbeat. On him.

"Guy…"

"Hm?"

I smirked. "What are you building me?"

I could feel him stiffen a bit, but he pulled back holding my shoulders firmly, smiling.

"What are you talking about?"

I wouldn't let him get away with it that quickly, that easily.

"This 'project' Sophie tells me of…" I tilted my head to the side, for no other reason than it seemed appropriate, "…my present."

He let go, and scratched the back of his head, eyes sliding to the side, away from me, looking confused.

"I'm not sure what you're talking about, darling."

"Guy, with all that Fontech on the desk, it's obvious. Don't fake ignorance."

He looked back to me, his face changing from confused to pensive. He smiled a tired smile.

"…It's a secret, okay?"

"Can you not give me a hint?"

He winked. "Nope."

Somehow, he still came up on top even when I thought I had him cornered. He was good.

"Why not?" I frowned, my curiosity getting the best of me. He grabbed my waist, and pulled me to him, forehead pressing against mine.

"Because it's a surprise, silly." He whispered. I felt the chills run up my spine, and I knew he was trying to change the subject, get my attention on something else.

And I fell for it, quite willingly, as I kissed him.

If this was an affair, then affairs must get terrible reputations for some other reason. Perhaps we were different from the rest of them, I didn't know. I didn't care. Not here, not with him.

"Guy…" I whispered. He opened his eyes after we parted.

"Yes?"

"…Come to my birthday party. I miss you." I mumbled, already embarrassed by my words as soon as they were released. I didn't let it get to me, telling myself I had nothing to be ashamed of with him. Besides, he was sappy enough for the both of us, and there was no problem with me adding to that.

He responded normally, not overreacting; like he was expecting me to ask that.

Well. For all I knew he could've predicted it anyhow.

"It'd look suspicious, sweetie."

"Natalia" I corrected him, then, "Have Sophie sneak you in."

"Not during the party." He warned. I shook my head.

"Of course not." I added, "Just…I want to see you."

He kissed me once more, and after breaking apart: "Then afterwards. I'll sneak out at night. Alright?"

"You'll have to be more cautious."

"I know." He kissed my cheek, "Its fine."

It was a date.

After God knew how long, as we talked, as we kissed, as we savored each other, taking in the other's taste, my time ran out. Ten fifty had come too fast, had cut off our time together. Time truly did soar when one was having fun.

"Why did you come here anyway?" I asked him, brushing the hair away from his forehead. His hair felt so smooth, so soft. He smiled.

"I saw that my door was open a bit, and…" he shrugged, "I came to see who was snooping around."

"I was not 'snooping'." I defended myself.

"Admit it. You were caught red-handed." He whispered, his lips kissing my ear. I sighed a good-natured smile.

"Enough of your sweet nothings. Go back to work, Guy." I giggled, pushing him back softly, and he only smiled, agreeing with me. "As Princess Natalia orders, I shall." He always knew how to make me laugh.

And with one more kiss (the last one, I swear, he assured me) after I left when I saw there was no other in the hallway, it was back to my hectic work schedule with me. A new goal in sight then to have a peaceful party.

A night with Guy, just him and me.

After returning to the castle that night, informing Sophie of our plans, something struck me.

The picture. The picture of the woman. Of this 'Marybelle', who might have been related to Guy, who might not have been. Either way she had some sort of relationship to him, some sort of connection. A string connecting them, one I could not tell what of. I had failed to ask him, too distracted by my love, too blind in the passion. Somehow, unknowingly, he kept all those secrets to himself once more, making sure I saw none of them. Had he seen me looking at it, searching each line for answers, my mind for any hints? Was that why he was so quick to charm me?

Today I had seen a bit of Guy, but it would take much longer to see the rest of it. However, I didn't know this then. All I knew was that I would have to ask him later. Had to remember to bring it up later, to make sure to pursue it, making sure he didn't escape.

I never fulfilled this self-promise however. I was so smitten, it made me blind.

Perhaps even willingly, so as to not see a side of Guy I was probably better off not knowing.

I wouldn't rightly say, even as I am myself.

* * *

On my birthday, father threw an extravagant party, the air filled with joy and amusement. I had received his present that morning and as of now, at night, I was enjoying the festivities. Greeting guest after guest, the sound of laughing and talking resounding through the air. I felt the soft silk of my gloves against my arm as I shook the hand of another noble, his handshake firm.

"Count Erminio," I smiled, "What a pleasure it is to have you here."

He smiled, his hand dropping to his side. "I would not have it any other way. Tell me, Princess Natalia, how have you fared these days?"

"Well, with the small skirmish pertaining to Akzeriuth having been put to rest, all has been well. How has Sheridan been?"

"The citizens are friendly as usual, and those inventors are always coming up with something! The land is faring quite well, however pertaining the matter of the Albiore…"

"Oh, yes, how is that coming along?"

"They are still working out the blueprints, but it seems to require a lot of funding!"

"We will have to speak about it at the next meeting then. Father and I will see what we can do."

He smiled a nice smile. "Thank you, Princess. Happy Birthday."

"Thank you."

I truly felt blessed. To be surrounded by royalty, to be so honored…once again, as I did so many times before, I thanked whoever let me be born into this, into this magnificent country, this charming world. I loved being a princess, of being one who could lead this country.

"Countess Dalena!" I greeted another, a woman with a tight bun and expensive clothes, smiling at me. "What an honor it is to have you here!"

"Happy Birthday, Princess Natalia."

"Thank you."

"This is quite the party you have! When shall your Birthday Score be read?"

"In a few more minutes actually. I hope I will have a good year this time as well."

"I hope so! Tell me, how does Master Luke fair? Good, I presume?"

My mind thought back to Luke, who couldn't be here, still kept in the manor. I longed for him to at least be out for this, but father and Uncle refused my offer. I thought back to father's pursed lips, his head shaking slowly at my question.

When I would become Queen with him, perhaps we could travel, and he could see all he had missed. Yes, my wedding present to him.

But that was a long way off, and he and I would have to live like this.

"Yes. He is doing well."

"It's a shame that he can't be here."

"Well," I smiled, "It is only three more years till we are married. Until then, I hope."

She smiled a smile only women could smile when they knew of another's love.

I was proud of them. All these nobles and soldiers, these officers, these ladies and dukes. All had their own good qualities, all caring for this country in some way. I was ultimately connected to Kimlasca and her people, and I was so proud. So happy, so grateful, ready to repay all their kindness, all their love. To be surrounded by these people, to be cared for by them, to be given such an honor as leading the land one day…

Yes. I truly did love being Kimlasca's princess, and I wouldn't wish for it any other way.

"I will now read the Princess's birthday score."

I closed my eyes, head downward as the scorer read my determined future. I wished secretly for another year of peace for Kimlasca, for myself.

And another year together with Guy, a secret, a blessing in its own right as well.

As he read on, advising me to be careful with relations with certain people, to pursue more trade with Chesedonia (I interpreted it as that), he came to one thing that caught the breath of all of us in the main hall…

"…the princess of Kimlasca-Lanvaldear shall pursue a study in archery for future troubles and…"

I never heard the rest, but only my own beating heart.

_Still, you should._

And now, I could.

I smiled, my hand over my chest. Yes, yes! Now I could do as I wish, be able to protect myself, be able to protect this country and learn archery. I pictured myself once more, positioned with bow, graceful as I let the quiver go. Another birthday present, bestowed by Lorelei itself.

When the scorer finished, the room erupted in talking, in hushed whispers. I caught the words 'archery', 'Princess', and 'war', but the rest was drowned out. Whatever the scorer meant by 'future troubles' I never worried about, too giddy with the thought of learning to fight. While today I see it, back then I was too childish.

Much too childish. At least it came in handy, the ability to defend oneself…

After that, after the room quieted down, after questions were asked politely how I felt about it (quite excited to learn, actually), and the festivities resumed, father wished to speak to me alone.

"Natalia." He looked to me, serious. We were in a hallway, the main hall being led to. The curtains were pulled back, a window tall and behind him. I could see the moon shining, the stars shimmering. I grew serious too, perhaps worried he would cancel my training, go against the Score just this once. I was ready to argue my point, to assert my wishes if need be. I would not go without a fight.

"Yes, father?"

Not that I wished to fight him. I loved father. He was kind, prideful, inspiring. As a child I would always sit by his side in my throne, and watch him with amazement. Watch as he advised others, as he led the country, so motivated by it. By the pride he had in this country. The confidence he had in himself.

And now, as an older girl, I would still be respectful of him, be happy with being his daughter, and try to have the same confidence, so as to follow in his footsteps.

"You heard what the Score read?"

"Yes." I glanced to the side, eyes taking in the other nobles. Laughing and talking, and dancing. Dinner would start after awhile.

"…I am against you learning it."

I felt the argument rise in my throat, but held back. I had to be mature about this. "But father I-"

"Do you really wish to learn it?"

His response caught me off guard, causing me to look to him. He was serious, but considerate. I nodded.

"Yes. Very much so."

He was quiet for awhile, and I was hopeful. Would he truly help? I felt my heart lift, my lips smile as I was answered, unknowingly.

"…I shall see to it that you get only the best instructor."

"Father…"

"I want you to be happy, Natalia."

I was touched by his actions, generally happy with all of this. I felt tears rise to my eyes but blinked them away.

Blessed. I was truly blessed.

"Thank you, father." I ducked my head, fiddling with my hands. "Thank you so much."

I felt him pat my head, his touch bringing back memories of days when I was sick as a child, his hand on my forehead, or when I came back after seeing Luke when he came back, those fingers wiping away my tears.

"As long as you are happy."

* * *

Sophie opened the door quietly, and I looked at my own present, the last one of the night, to myself _from_ myself.

"Happy Birthday." He grinned. I smiled, my heart lifting already, as I pulled him in, Sophie closing the door, saying she'd keep an eye out for us. One day I would have to repay her, somehow…

But I would worry later about that. About anything. Tonight I could enjoy myself, could just let my hair down, just let it all go, and drift on the waves, peaceful and relaxed. I could be happy of my upbringing, be madly in love with Guy, and not have to worry about any single thing. Another present to myself.

I was glad I had sacrificed seven weeks with Guy, and a bit of free time, for this night.

"There were no troubles, I hope?" I asked him, brushing hair out of face. It was a shame I had to meet him in my sleeping gown, my formal dress already helped out of. It would be too risky to ask the maids to help me change while Guy would be coming, the secret so close to being discovered. Perhaps I wished for Guy to see me at my most beautiful? I had a distinct feeling he would probably smile if I mentioned this and say some sappy words of how I was always beautiful to him.

I knew him so well, I took pride in it.

"Nope. Everyone was helping clean up the kitchen and main hall anyway." He smiled at me, leaning into my hand, his skin warm. I noticed his hands were behind his back, and smiled.

"My present?" I asked, motioning to it. Guy tilted his head to the side, my hand leaving that warm skin.

"Let's sit down."

We did at the table in my room. I had a flash of Guy and myself in the café, the appearance like a painting. I shrugged it off, heart beating in anticipation, deciding the thought too tedious for such a moment. I was glad I needn't worry of being caught either, Sophie my comfort.

Guy brought out two boxes, one wrapped beautifully, obviously brought from a store (a _pastry_ store at that) and another wrapped in what seemed in a hurry.

"First." He said, opening the more appealing of the two, "Let's eat."

Cheesecake. With strawberries. I noticed the logo on the box was of the café we frequented. My mind suddenly thought back to the last time I saw him on one of our 'dates' asking me why I preferred what I ordered.

_I see._

He was so perfect it made me cautious sometimes. At least, I should have been.

"My favorite! Guy this is…" I smiled, feeling the happiness gush. He looked to the side, smiling that bashful smile.

"It's nothing."

And he was humble. Truly heaven-sent. I wondered vaguely if it was truly okay to trust someone so wonderful.

Not that I ever ceased trusting him. I loved him much too much.

"Thank you, Guy." I smiled as he pushed it over, the slice so simple, a fork he probably borrowed (from our own kitchen I learned later) sitting next to it.

"Happy Birthday, Natalia."

I took a bite, creamy and tart at the same time. Delicious.

"Guy."

"Hm?" He asked, tilting head to side, arms crossed in front of him.

"Have a bite." I offered, holding up a piece to him. He shook his head.

"I couldn't. I mean, its your present."

"I don't mind. Please, have a bite." I persisted, feeling the need to thank him like every time he was nice to me. Guy held a thumb to his chin, obviously deep in thought. I refrained from taking a taste of his present, finding it polite to at least wait.

"Well…" he sighed, then smiled, "…if that's what you want."

"Say 'aah'." I ordered, holding up the fork. Guy's eyebrows rose, yet I didn't allow myself to feel embarrassed. Tonight was perfect and nothing would go wrong, nothing was wrong.  
Not the affair, and not this.

"Y-You're going to feed it to me-?"

"Say 'aah', Guy." I reaffirmed my order, and I noticed his cheeks turning pink as he gulped and nodded.

"A-Ah."

As I fed it to him I wondered how I could act so bravely. Perhaps it was the night, perhaps it was because all of my wishes had been granted, and maybe it was because of Guy himself. When I was around him…I was grateful. He loved me. Not the 'princess' side of me, the elegant side of me. He loved the side of me that worked too much, that was too sensitive, that was too uppity even. Guy loved me, scars, blemishes, and wounds in all. For that, just a bit, I felt like I could love myself as well, gain more pride, have more confidence.

I was grateful to be myself, and grateful to have a man I loved dearly help me with that.

These thoughts lingered as I slid the fork from his mouth, as he smiled shyly. I loved seeing him be imperfect too; how he got embarrassed and how he got flustered easily.

It seemed we loved both of the other's flaws.

"It tastes good." He whispered. I tilted my head to the side.

"Happy you didn't turn me down now?"

"I didn't think you could be romantic."

I frowned. "Are you saying I am unfeeling?"

"N-No, It's just…" He sighed, looking to the side, then smiled, a thought coming to him. He grabbed the fork from my hand, getting a piece, holding it out for me, "…It's rare for you to be so sweet."

And then the flirting. I could never tire of that flirting.

I ate it as he bade me. What a terribly sappy scene it must've been. I knew I was drowning in his love, letting myself forget my worries, but for caving in…I had no regrets. Not tonight. Just as I didn't have any regrets of being involved with him in the first place. We continued, conversing as we took turns.

"A boat?" He asked. I grinned.

"Yes! Do you recall the present father promised me? He took me to the port and it had been a cruise liner! Oh, Guy, it was so magnificent…" I gushed remembering seeing her giant bulk, wondering what sort of vacation I should go on first. Which ocean or location I shall travel to when the chance arose. I was giddy with the thought, to say the least.

"What did you name it?"

"Father named it for me," I answered, feeding him once more, "The S.S Natalia."

Guy raised his eyebrows once more as the fork left his mouth. "Sweetie, that's…"

"Lovely, right?" I smiled, taking pride in it. "It has such a nice ring to it, doesn't it?"

"…Of course it does. I'm really happy for you."

Now that I notice it, he seemed a bit struggled when saying this. Perhaps not truly knowing what to say, hoping not to be offensive, but not to tell an obvious white lie, either. I'll never understand why he never took a fancy to the name as I did; it truly was a good name father chose, right?

Of course.

In any case, the cheesecake was finished; my stomach more full then it had been previously.

"It went pretty quickly, didn't it?" Guy frowned, as he cleaned up the evidence. "Maybe I should've gotten a bigger slice…?"

"It is fine." I reassured him, "I liked it better this way."

I found it more romantic to share it rather than eat it alone, anyhow. Not that I ever told him this. There were a lot of things I couldn't bear to tell him, yet some things that just came rushing out as soon as the thought struck.

"Now, for the main event," He announced, taking out the other present, brown wrapping paper. My heartbeat quickened in expectation once more, my mind reeling with what his project's outcome was, what it could be, what could fit in such a small package, yet take so long to be made. I opened it quickly, most likely not appearing as a proper lady, but I didn't care. Tonight, I was free from worry, loved, and most of all I was happy.

Slowly the crinkly mess revealed a wooden box with roses messily painted on the top. I furrowed my brow in confusion, but decided to open it anyhow, revealing some sort of machinery with a glass cover over it.

"Guy, what is…?"

"A music box." He answered, smiling, probably prideful or modest. "Here, let me see."

He took the box from my hands, turning it over, revealing a small dial on the bottom, turning it. It began to play a song, its plucking rings and soft music. I smiled as it played, not recognizing the tune, however I was interested in it. When it finished I asked the first thing that came to mind, remembering his room and the blueprints I never understood, the music sheets scattered about.

"Did you build it? Is this the project?"

"Yeah."

"It's beautiful, Guy."

He smiled another bashful smile. "It's not that great. I mean, I pretty much rushed it after finishing the inner workings, it's not that pretty, and…"

"I," I cut in, placing my hands over his, the music box between them still, "think it's wonderful and beautiful, and am very grateful to have this gift."

He pressed his forehead against mine, cheeks flushed, "…Sorry it's not as awesome as a boat."

I giggled, kissing his cheek, and I felt him smile, his skin under my lips.

"Guy?"

"Mm?"

"What is the name of the tune?"

"Don't know." He shrugged, bringing his face back a bit, still only a few inches separating us, "It's some lullaby Sophie told me about. She got me the score for it and everything."

My mind recalled back to Sophie, red scarf covering neck, as she headed for the Fabre manor, telling me Guy was much too busy to see me. So she had helped keep the secret too…

"It's lovely."

"Thank you." He smiled, and I kissed him once more.

I loved both sides of my life, as Guy's lover, and Kimlasca's princess. Tonight I got to enjoy that, especially the elegance and importance of the nobility, and the practical, lovey-dovey feelings of Guy. Right now we were so close in contact, so far in statuses, yet so very, very grateful. Tonight I forgot everything, about how wrong it was to flirt with both sides, yet stay with another, and just indulged myself. Lead my country, while keeping my fingers intertwined with Guy's as I did. I knew it was wrong. Well, more so later I did. But tonight, I ignored it.

What a spoiled child I was.

* * *

Weeks, then months passed. Guy and I spent our time together as usual, no changes, and his coming-of-age ceremony approached, as I wondered what to get him as a gift. I also continued my archery lessons, in love with the art, trying my best to learn how it went. Father was a bit wary, but…but I think he softened a bit, smiling whenever I spoke of it, inquiring about certain things. I wondered how I would adapt my healing powers with it, how I could be a valuable fighter on the field if the need so arose.

It was then I began to learn how it worked. How it felt to learn how to fight, the adrenaline rushes, the want to master a technique, how it felt to come back to your bed, tired and worn out, yet feeling accomplished at the same time.

Perhaps this is why when I visited Luke, I felt a little better, more involved in the world I hadn't known previously.

"Archery?"

"Yes. I've been learning it recently." I smiled. We walked together in the forest on his manor's grounds, and I heard the leaves rustle with a mild wind, so warm and good. It was very sunny, the leaves offering a bit of shade, as I held my parasol above me so as to stay cooler. I worried about Luke, but realized he would've complained about the heat if it bothered him; besides it was he who suggested we take the walk, the grass shuffling beneath our feet.

"Why?" He asked, his tone not indifferent like it was usually when I talked to him. I had expected him to mutter an 'Oh', his reactions so easy to see from the horizon, my trip already chartered for me no matter how much I tried to change it. Subject after subject, he still acted the same. Aloof, bored, disinterested.

So this? A nice change of pace, new waters I had yet to travel, as I dipped my fingers into the water at my side, testing them out.

"According to my birthday Score it would be best for me to learn, and I am. It's very exciting actually." I explained. I noticed my cheeks were flushed; whether out of embarrassment or the weather, I never knew. With how I kept my eyes on the ground before us, instead of him, it is probably easy to guess.

"How's it like?"

"Pardon?"

"Archery. How's it like?"

He was _pursuing_ the subject? A new change of pace indeed.

"Well," I began, not sure how to go about explaining it, "There are certain stances one must learn, and how to get the right coordination, also there are the fonic artes…There are many different levels too. As of the moment, I am still a beginner."

"So still an amateur, huh?"

"I hope to get better."

"It's hard isn't it?"

I widened my eyes, finally turning to see him, what sort of expression he was making, finding him returning my gaze. On instinct, I looked away once more, back to the grass, not to his face, his eyes that surprised me. Usually they would look tired, bored…like his tone, his stature, his whole self. Lazy, unwilling, disinterested.

But this time, in that one split second, they looked just a bit more awake. A bit more engrossed.

A bit more fascinated.

"Wh-what is?"

"Trying to get stronger."

"Whatever do you mean?" I asked him, willing to look in his face, to savor his attention while I still had it. He shrugged then, explaining.

"You know. Like…like starting from the bottom. I remember this one time," He placed his hands in his pockets, looking in front of him then, like looking into the past, just as Sophie had the one time she explained to me about how she had met Guy, "When I finished up training with Master Van. He sparred with me; the first time."

I twirled my parasol just to do something, the air hot around us. "What happened?" I urged him on. He frowned then, pinching his face, like tasting something unpleasant.

"I lost. Badly."

"O-Oh."

He sighed, placing his hands behind his head, fingers entwined, still staring ahead. "So I was really angry, you know? Pissed."

I wanted to scold him for using such a vocabulary, but decided against it, thinking it too irritating of myself to. I nodded instead, showing I was listening.

"But I was kinda sad, too." He said softly, "'Cause I felt really weak. Pathetic."

I had an urge to tell him he was not pathetic, or anything of the sort. Only ill-mannered and selfish, but it could be fixed. I kept my tongue though, thinking it more polite to let him finish.

"I told Guy. I was like, 'Why do I have to be so weak? Isn't there a way to get stronger, like, really quickly?'" He put his hands to the side again, like he wasn't sure what to do with them, how to place them comfortably. He looked to me once more, and for some reason, those green eyes were striking.

"He said 'You have to work your way from the bottom to the top, Luke. You'll see'"

I felt my heart skip a beat, like he was telling me this himself, giving me advice and care, the ones he let me only hunger for. I could feel my ears get hotter; blaming it on the weather, hoping Luke would do the same. Said person looked at me for awhile, studying my face for whatever reason, then continued.

"I did. Kinda. Well, I'm better then I was before." He shrugged, finally placing his hands in his pockets once more. I nodded, then, not sure what would come out of my mouth next, just stumbling with them.

"I-I know, too."

"How it feels?"

"Yes," I looked ahead, "It is…I want to protect Kimlasca. And if the need so arose at this moment, I would." I began explaining, not sure where I was going with this, why I was telling my neglectful fiancé, or how I would word it, but only going along with my instinct, my insist running mouth.

"The thing is, however, there are many techniques I wish to learn. So many beyond my reach…" I looked ahead, as if looking at my potential as a warrior right in front of me. I kept walking toward it, yet it still stayed that same distance, unreachable, yet taunting me by being there. One day, I wondered…would I ever close the space between it and me?

"However, I am still just learning. I wish I could just become stronger overnight!" I shook my head, looking down, the grass once again in my field of vision. "That is not how it works though, does it? It takes time." I spoke softly, for whatever reason, even surprising myself. I found myself gripping the parasol roughly, my fingers hurting. It was quiet then, the heat heavy around us, a couple of birds chirping somewhere, far way, the grass still rustling beneath our feet. Then, a wind I was grateful for blew by us, cool and nice.

"You can do it."

I looked to him, surprised this was even uttered by Luke. His face was solemn, but mild, eyes still awake, his hair blowing a bit with the wind.

"You can be strong," he smiled a bit, "Because it's you."

If he had kissed me right there, I would be most assured this was all a dream.

Once again my heart skipped a beat, chills resounding through my body, eyes widening. I was easy to please, wasn't I? Foolish, foolish girl.

A foolish girl in love.

The wind died down, and somehow we had stopped walking, the world quiet. It was another word, a string of words, that held so much meaning, yet little quantity. He had once again surprised me so easily, so casually, so effortlessly, I dared not ask for more. It was the little moments with Luke that made me love him, the small, sparse moments; I favored, and willingly awaited, the most.

"B-Because it's…me?" I asked, face hot, heart beating, self satisfied. He nodded, the brief smile already having faded.

"Yeah. You're…you're really determined, I guess." He shrugged, eyes looking down to the grass, head somewhat ducked.

He had complimented me. Luke had…had _complimented_ me. Me? Really? He…

I felt like I could cry tears of happiness right there. And somewhere, in the back of my mind I thought if he could repeat the promise right there, I could truly die happy and relieved. Instead of that, however, I decided to be quite content with this, smiling and blushing (finally admitting the weather had nothing to do with my red face).

"…Thank you, Luke."

"It's nothing."

Then he looked back up to me once more, and somewhere those birds were chirping again. He motioned for us to keep walking, and I obliged, silently. I looked up, sun bright, causing me to squint, a tree branch soon blocking my view of it. I looked to him again. I thought back to the Luke before he was kidnapped, the one I so missed.

Yes. He was there. Right beside me, buried, deep inside, and I waited for him to come back. For him to finally come up to the surface, to remember our promise, to marry me like he said he would. I waited for him to remember, for this Luke right next to me, to remember, to give back the Luke I missed.

Until then, I suppose I could grow to love this Luke, too.

"Luke?"

"Hm?"

I looked at his profile, and he glanced to me. I gulped, deciding to take another jump, blinded, hoping dearly he would not reject me.

"Can I…May I hold your hand? Is that okay?"

He was silent, and for awhile I was worried I had been too daring, too pushy. I almost decided to take back what I had said, until he shrugged once more, holding out his hand to me.

"Sure."

To this day, I'm not sure he knew the meaning behind it. What it meant to hold another's hand, still so childish to the world, still learning a lot about love. I was proven right that time when he had hugged Tear at one of the Sephiroth, not knowing the weight of his actions, nor the meaning behind it. He was innocent, maybe, and still learning. But at that moment, I don't think I cared. I was given a small chance (as I had interpreted it) another chance. A new beginning with this Luke here. While he had not remembered the promise, there was no hurt in making memories with him. The Luke who had no memories, who I would marry, and because of that I would learn to love. I would spend my whole life with him, and so, for my country, my well-being, and maybe my heart, I would love him. Grow to love him. See how this would go. So as he reached out for me, I took that hand gratefully, the skin cool, thankful I hadn't worn my gloves. I closed my eyes as we walked, taking in his warmth, the small warmth I was provided.

The thought of Guy never crossed my thoughts then.

* * *

It was at times like this I wondered if I would have to start paying Guy.

"I don't mind, really."

I sighed, easing into his hands as they worked my skin. "I know, but…it makes me feel guilty. Like I am using you."

"You're not. Besides, it's not a lot of work, sweetie."

"Natalia."

"Feel good?" He changed the subject, once more. I decided to let it go again, too tired to argue with him.

"Yes." I closed my eyes, "It does."

From those days with Guy in the library, I learned he was very good at massage. Perfect for when I was done with training, shoulders strained. He had offered to at first, and I agreed reluctantly. Somehow it seemed like an every day thing now. Funny how the world works like that. Perhaps it was because he was supportive of my learning, trying to make it easier on me as he could, that he did this without complaint. (Not that I ever _did_ see Guy complain. He was very mature for his age.)

Which reminds me.

"When is your birthday again?" I asked him, a small feel of guilt in my stomach for not remembering as he did for me.

"Loreleiday, Ifrit-Decan 41."

"…That's three weeks from now, is it not?"

"It is."

"And you are turning twenty." I announced, somewhat dreamily, surprised I had been dating (having an affair with?) someone three years older then me, who would now be an official adult three weeks from now. I shrugged it off though, finding no reason for concern, nor care. "And it will be your Coming-of-Age ceremony as well."

"Yup." He confirmed, somewhat cheerfully. "Apparently everyone at the manor is planning a party for me. I'm really excited." Although I wasn't able to see his face, I could imagine him grinning, cheeks flushed. He was so predictable sometimes.

He leaned forward then, the both of us sitting on the couch in my room, his arms wrapping around my waist, head against the space between my shoulder blades. While I was not wearing my usual attire to feel it (instead dressed in training clothes) it was still surprising, making shivers run down my sides.

"So?" He asked, "What are you going to get me?"

I smiled, deciding to play along, trying to match his charm. "Well…what would you want?"

"…Fontech."

I sighed, blowing my bangs out of my face. Of course.

"Guy, please." I turned around somewhat, my eyes at the top his head. "I am sure _everyone_ will get you that."

"You think?" He asked cheerfully once more, as if this was a good thing. I turned around fully, finally resting his head on my lap, as we eased into more comfortable positions, my weary muscles now relaxing.

"Is there anything else you wish for?"

His head lay sideways as he looked off into space, my bow and arrows still lying on the table across the room. He was quiet, considering my question, then answered.

"…Anything you get me will be fine, sweetie."

I was guessing he was either giving me payback, or a truthful answer.

"Natalia." I corrected him, somewhat exhausted of his attempts by now, "and also, you are sure there is nothing you want?"

"Not really." He shrugged, "I mean, I'm fine with what I have now." He looked up to me then, and smiled, "Except, you know, more fontech. You see, there was this manual on how to build an actual working heater, and it has these nice instructions. You don't even need a fonstone or anything! Except it cost a lot, so I was thinking of saving up for it…"

And he was off. Once again, babbling on about things I didn't understand. While I would've bought it for him, I had a distinct feeling his popularity with the maids would get him one easily. So as he went on, I looked around the room, to see if I would get any hint or inspiration on what I could get my love.

My eyes traveled to his sword, lying next to the couch. A new sword? Well, he had no complaints about his current one, and telling by how clean the sheathe was, he had probably just bought this one recently. I looked at him then, eyes traveling his body. The boots were worn, but still well. Clothing comfy and good-fitting. His collar, that gold charm was shining even now, as if it had been polished recently.

Goodness…there was nothing at _all_ he needed, was there? He was so self-sufficient, responsible, and…and it was his and my own downfall for it left _nothing_ for me to get him. I was a princess, money abundant, yet I was involved with a man who wished to not spend too much, who only wished for what he needed, not what he wanted.

What a strange, strange couple we made.

I thought back to my birthday, his gifts romantic and thought out. How would I compare to that? Perhaps food, as he had done for me?

I then remembered him mentioning his favorite food was seafood, and found it very less romantic then strawberry cheesecake, soon shoving that idea aside. Build him something? No, he'd rather build it himself.

It was unfair how he was more romantic then I, very nerve-wracking. He made it hard to measure up to him, to even compete.

"Natalia? You okay?"

I was brought out of this thought, Guy having finished (or perhaps was interrupted), his face somewhat worried. I smiled a forced smile and shook my head.

"Fine." I sat back, fell back more so, head barely touching the arm rest. I could feel him sit up, looking down at me, face skeptical.

"Fine." He repeated, frowning still, "You sure?"

No. I wasn't. I wasn't sure at all how I could repay him.

My mind suddenly thought back to the cold, to a time when I hadn't been with Guy, a time I had actually been pushing him away. His voice so desperate, so loud, wanting to be heard, to be understood, to be accepted.

_Princess Natalia, I'm in love with you._

Then, my own, flat and cruel. Unmerciful.

_Good for you then._

My heart panged as it did whenever I remembered those days, guilt flooding my system. Of course I felt horrible, finding faults in my strategy, having little regret for taking this path. I had yet to make it up to him, and whenever I brought it up, apologizing, asking what I could do for forgiveness he always just smiled and shook his head. Saying it was fine now, we're together, don't worry about it. But my consciousness, my love for him would not be just content with that. Whenever I thought of those days my heart just broke, wishing I could go back in time and save all that trouble and accept his love the first time he offered it.

But that was not how the world worked, and I had to repay him, get his forgiveness somehow. Would this gift be that?

Maybe. Maybe if I thought about it, chose wisely, I could. Could ease my mind, win back his trust. I wondered if it was possible at all to even forget my cruel actions.

No. As much as I loved him, it was unachievable. It hurt more to be forgiven, rather then to be hated, it seemed.

"Guy," I called out, placing hands over my stomach, mind going back to the situation at hand, "what is it you wish for? I am sure I can get you anything if you so wanted."

He smiled, "Anything you get me will be nice."

I hated how he would not take advantage of my offer, yet loved how selfless he was at the same time. I sighed once more, and sat up, legs crossed at my side.

"That's not helping." I told him bluntly. He laughed then, pulling me to his chest.

"Having trouble?"

I also hated how he knew me so well, had heard my problems, knew my wants, and fit his love to match my requirements so well. Around him I couldn't be independent, nor strong, but…but a woman in love. Smitten and…and just stupid.

I sighed, but decided I was only being bitter because he was right, always right, even.

"…Yes." I admitted grudgingly, and felt his hand move up and down my back.

"Well," he said, "how about this. What do I like?"

"Fontech." I answered flatly. He laughed.

"Something else."

"Swordsmanship." I added, eyes drifting to the side, to the couch's pattern, horizontal stripes of blue and green, "Seafood, kindness, that collar you wear, reading…"

And before I knew it, I was listing _all_ his likes, perhaps trying to assure myself I knew him well, going through a test I made for myself, a self-set challenge. I continued musing.

"Luke, Pere, _Me…_"

Guy laughed at this softly and I smiled, my cheeks red, yet shame not the reason why.

"Women."

"Hey, that's-" Guy cut in, defending himself, but I wrapped my arms around him.

"Let me continue."

"…Alright." He sighed, easing me closer to his chest. I could hear his heartbeat again, and listened as I continued.

"Calling me pet names, pleasing others, hot chocolate and…" I stayed silent, letting that heartbeat fill my ear. "…and that's all I can think of."

Guy smoothed over my hair, his touch comforting. "Well," he spoke softly, "that was quite a long list."

"Did I get it right?"

He kissed the top of my head. "Yup. Every single one."

I smiled once more, chills, nice and warm, resounding through my body. "Guy?"

"Hm?" I could hear the wind rustle a few leaves outside, on a tree, or ones' on the ground, I didn't know.

"Can you list mine?"

"Well," he sat back, thumb going to chin, the usual Guy-is-thinking pose, "Let's see. What does Natalia like?" He winked at me, causing me to smile wider. I truly did love this man.

"Kimlasca." He began. I motioned him to continue, his eyes closing, deep in thought. "Poetry, tea, working…"

"Working?" I interrupted. He opened his eyes, smiling mischievously.

"Let me continue."

"Fine."

"The colors sea-green and blue, _me_…" I giggled at this, as he winked at the word. Guy, the charmer. "Archery, strawberries, cheesecake, and…and that's it." He shrugged, leaning into the armrest, his arms only somewhat against my hips, lazy, yet still there, and comforting.

"You forgot something." I corrected him. He raised his eyebrows.

"Did I?"

"Card games."

"Card games?"

"Yes," I tilted my head to the side, "Care for a match?"

"You gamble?" He asked, surprised by this new fact. I had more interests, and wondered if I should tell him. But then again, he probably had more likes than what I had listed, and knew I had time to see them, to see more of him, and figure more about this person I had given my future to. I suppose he would do the same with my interests, that we would both see more of the other, would witness more of this person we loved.

I thought back to Guy's room, the quick sketch of 'Marybelle', a small glimpse into his past, only a glance, not enough to form the details. Then I thought back to Luke's warm hand against my own, the parasol shading me, my own heart's insistent beating, feelings still apparent, yet hidden from the one person it would hurt.

…I wondered briefly what we would see of the other, if we would even find out things that were better left hidden. How we would cope with it, if we could go on as we were. And if we found out, would we be able to still continue on as we were? Still look over the flaws and the disturbing secrets, still to the one who held them all inside? And if I worried about it so much, perhaps I couldn't really then, proof of my own fear, my weakness. If I learned what bothered me so much…would he still be Guy to me, my love, my friend? Or would he perhaps become something more, in the worst case, someone who I would be scared of so much?

I shrugged off the idea, pushed them all to the side, thinking myself silly to worry over things that weren't true; deciding to live for this moment alone, all these moments, where we were blindly in love, no worries, no secrets, no guilt.

Yes. I know. I was such a child back then.

In the past, however, I got up from Guy and his loose, lazy grip, walking toward the table in my room, explaining myself as I did.

"No, I don't. I more so do it for the game. I'm not good at it, but I suppose I can be called decent." I placed a hand on its cool surface, turning to him, "With that said, care for a match? We can even have prizes if you so wish." I offered, smiling, wondering if he would take my bait. Guy changed his position on the couch, sitting normally now, one hand on his knee, the other on the armrest.

"Alright. So what would it be?"

I smiled. Hook, line and…

"I shall let you see the current blueprints for the Albiore project."

..._Sinker_, I finished seeing his eyes light up at the proposal, obviously caught. I felt no guilt for it, for tricking him into a game, for I knew I could fulfill my promise anyway, having my connections to obtain them. However it would be a last resort; I was in it to win.

"You can do that?"

I smiled feeling pride in this for some sort of reason. "I _am_ the princess, Guy."

I also felt a bit shameful to be abusing my power like that, but shrugged it off. Improper of me, but only whims given as my excuse. Guy put his thumb to his chin, thinking on it. I knew he would cave in, the offer too good to pass up. I knew him so well, this time in the relationship with a year already going behind us. He finally looked to me, his hand dropping to the side, head tilting to the side.

"And _your_ prize?" He asked, his tone edging on suspicious. Of me and my offer. I frowned. If my prize was too small it would be obvious, if it was too big it would be unfair. To stand against Guy, to try to trick someone as smart as him...I would have to go the easiest route.

"Pick it for me." I shrugged, faking nonchalance.

"Okay..." He agreed, smiling, looking to the side. "How about..."

He stood up, walking in front of me, catching me off guard as he took my hand in his, putting it to his cheek.

"How about I'll kiss your hand?" He winked, charming me once more, that smirk of his so irresistible. I knew in the back of my mind it was a terribly cheap prize, that he was being unfair, but imagining him kissing me in such a manner, like a prince out of a fairytale...

Well. Suffice to say: hook, line and...

"F-Fine."

....Sinker.

So, after cutting the deck, both of us agreeing on Poker, dealing the cards, and myself assuring him I haven't played the game for awhile, that I might lose, requesting he not laugh if I do, the game began.

"Speaking of your birthday," I spoke up, discarding a card I wished not to hold, picking up another one, "how shall I see you?"

His eyes searched his hand for any possibilities, "Well, should I sneak in here?"

"I wouldn't wish for you to trouble yourself."

"It'd be too risky for you to sneak in though. Sophie's not part of the staff there."

"True," I laid my hand flat, "Four of a kind."

His eyes looked skeptically to my hand, then his. He laid his down, revealing a 'two pair'.

"Guess you win this round." He shrugged, dealing another hand, us already have decided to take this for five rounds. I shrugged, smiling shyly.

"A fluke?"

"Maybe." He picked up his hand, discarding two cards, grabbing two more from the deck to replace them, then, "Maybe we should meet in the garden?"

"I wouldn't wish for you to sneak around on your own birthday."

"There's no way around it, sweetie."

"Call me Natalia already. Also, full house."

His eyebrows raised at my cards, putting his own hand down. One pair.

"You win again."

I smiled. It was too late for him to turn back now. While I knew it was wrong for me to do this, it felt good too. Besides, he always seemed to have the upper hand in the relationship, leaving me breathless and smitten, so perhaps this was payback? It wasn't like I was doing this out of spite; only trying out the position of having power.

And besides, it was fun to be coy with him.

"Perhaps lady luck is smiling at me." I shrugged as he dealt the cards once more. He frowned, then sighed, deciding to let his suspicions slip this once, probably.

"I suppose we'll do that then." I agreed, "But be careful. Sophie won't be helping you this time."

"I know."

"Flush."

And once again, as he laid his hand down, revealing a losing hand with no value, he frowned.

"Are you _sure _you're not good at this?" He finally asked. I shrugged, appearing as innocent as I could.

"I really haven't played in a while, if that is what you mean."

He frowned at me, his stare heavy, perhaps trying to see if I would break. However, I only smiled at him, the epitome of a luckless, naive beginner. He was acting just as the other noblemen in the past had who challenged me did, assured they would win, then soon noticing none was what it seemed. It was a pastime of mine that was unsuited to one who would inherit the throne, but one I participated in nonetheless, on special occasions only.

Guy dealt the hand again, wary, but most likely knowing he had already fallen for the trap and that there was no way out now.

"Guy?"

"Mm?"

"You're not wearing your gloves."

He blinked, then looked down to his hands, as if noticing this for the first time, having to confirm this before taking it seriously. He smiled then, and shrugged, discarding three cards and drawing three more.

"I threw them away. Way too beaten for me to use anymore."

"...I see."

For some reason, I had a feeling of deja vu at this.

"Royal flush." I announced. Guy slid his hand of a 'two pair', crossing his arms, then leaning back in the chair.

"You were lying."

I knew he'd catch on. I only smiled a humble smile, though and said in my defense, "It's true though; I never lied about not having played in a while."

He hung his head and sighed loudly, lifting it up a bit, looking like some sort of sad puppy.

"You cheated." He mumbled. I giggled, his whole reaction just cute. I liked seeing Guy be imperfect, caught off guard, then when he was dashing, handsome, and perfect. It made me feel like I knew him throughout, every bit, a side he showed to only me.

Well. Maybe I only thought that.

"I'm sorry." I leaned over the table to get closer to him, still a distance away then I would like. "I should've told you I was good at this."

He was silent for awhile, lifting his head fully up, leaning over too, smiling anyway. I heard the leaves rustle outside, the world going on as it did while we were alone, together.

"...You really are cruel, you know that?"

I laughed. Guy, always quick to forgive, quick to ease you back into comfort.

"We may stop the match if you wish."

"Does that mean I won't be able to see the blueprints?" He pleaded, grabbing my hands in his, as if begging me to allow him that. I smiled.

"We'll see."

Guy looked a bit relieved then, hopeful, shoulders slumping, eyes softening. He brought my hands to his lips, kissing them, unknowingly (or maybe knowingly) fulfilling my reward for the match.

"I'll see you at ten?" He whispered, his breathe warm, even through the archery gloves. I could feel the chills run up my sides, ears reddening. After awhile of having the upper hand, he once more had me wrapped around his finger in only a matter of time. He probably did it unintentionally, but he had me caught, in his love, his arms, his presence. And I didn't want to escape anytime soon.

"That late?"

"I don't think I can get away any earlier."

"...That is fine then." I agreed, easing my hands out his grip, sliding them on his cheeks, this distance unbearable to me. I could see his face flush, eyes dreamy, smile lazy, self probably grateful.

Then, finally, he got up, closing the gap between him and me, bending down and kissing me. No more needed to be said.

* * *

"A brown color would be good. Not _too_ dark...Oh! Yes, yes, that one is good."

"These, ma'am?"

"Yes, that's perfect."

I brought the red scarf tightly around my neck, hoping my disguise would be good enough, that hopefully if General Cecille saw me, she would think of me as any other citizen buying a pair of gloves, rather then the princess who was buying for her well-kept secret. I had heard her yesterday say she would be checking up on the guards around the city, make sure everything was running smoothly. While she already disliked of my methods of 'seeing the officials myself to get the job done' saying it too risky, if she saw me like this, her suspicions would grow. Asking questions, maybe even finding out.

I had to repay Sophie once more for lending me her clothes to wear. She was kind, as always. I wondered vaguely when her birthday was...

"Here you go. That will be six-hundred forty gald."

"Here you are. Thank you."

"No, thank you! Pleasure doing business with you."

I smiled, and nodded as I left the shop, clutching the paper bag, his gift. It wasn't very romantic, nor thought out, but at least it was practical. He would use it everyday, and...

...And yes, I admit, it was in no way close to making up for how I treated him, but maybe, even if only to myself, it was a start.

For a split second, it felt like an affair once more. The fear of being caught there again, stepping on eggshells, watching my every move. It was the one thing I absolutely hated about being with him, that made me frustrated and angry. Wishing there was a way around it, but knowing quite well there was no way, no loopholes, no way of avoiding it. I wondered sometimes, my imagination flying away, as to how it would be like as a normal citizen. Maybe even a servant. A maid. Free to marry as I pleased, free to choose a love. No prosecution, nor objections, only bland recognition from any outside source looking on. Not bound by an engagement, but open to possibilities.

I pondered how life would be like as a maid in servitude to the Fabre line. Would Guy and myself had fallen in love even then? Would it be as passionate, would he still have his phobia, what would our end be; together or apart?

But then I would realize, awaken quite sadly, that then I would not be able to lead this wonderful country. Would not have this great responsibility, have this privilege. It would break my heart if it ever came to that. I wish I could've had both; the pride in my country, and as Guy's love.

Then, after that thought being shot down, I would consider eloping. Going off to some far away place with Guy. Exotic countries, and beautiful lands. Being married, beginning anew. Perhaps even Emperor Peony would help us; I distantly wondered if he considered such an option with the woman he had lost.

However, I would still remember Kimlasca, the responsibilities and the love I held for it, and scold myself. I wouldn't have the heart, nor the gall to abandon this land, not for any reason. Not even for Guy. Once more I was torn between both sides of my world.

What if I had been betrothed to Guy rather then Luke? I would've had both then, position as Queen and the man I loved dearly, no conflicted feelings. But I made a promise to the Luke before he lost his memories, finding courage and inspiration in it. I loved Luke, the promise, and even if he wasn't the same Luke as before, I still had a duty to my country.

I hated it, truly at times. While now I was still able to balance the two, one day I would still have to make a choice. The inbetween of Kimlasca and my own selfish want. Neither would want to be used by me, would like to see me in the middle ground. I couldn't stay in that place any longer, couldn't keep up this charade. If Guy learned I still loved Luke he would be furious, or maybe, most likely disappointed. If father knew I was carrying on this affair, he would be ashamed, Kimlasca would be ruined. One day, I would have to abandon one, not needlessly enjoy both as was becoming my custom.

However, as was the nature of my selfish self back then, I ignored it. It was the Now I lived for, never worrying about the Later. I enjoyed these moments blindly, trying to ignore the future, trying to keep onto what I had while it was still there.

But, no. I knew one day it would crumble, it was inevitable that I would have to pay the consequences for flirting with both sides, but not now. For now, I would savor it. Right now, it was fine. I was safe, here, in the happiest moments of my life.

A flash of red passed through the corner of my eye and I instinctively turned my head. General Cecille was somewhere off in the crowd, conversing with a soldier as she walked. And for one second, I felt sad. I didn't know why, and as I watched her walk away, I realized why.

I had no one to tell this to, all on my own in this. No one could give me advice, for it was too risky, too well-kept a secret. I had to choose myself, all by myself, all alone. And my heart ached, as I held the bag roughly, hearing it crinkle as I did. For one split second, for whatever reason, I wished the Luke I loved was there, to maybe nudge me toward the right direction.

As he would in Sheridan, in time to come.

If he heard this, would he be angry? Sad? Or maybe, just maybe, he would be helpful, wishing me the best, easing me into comfort, guiding my hand toward Guy's, holding in the pain, giving me his last show of love.

* * *

"Natty!"

That was what had sent my warning bells off. That call, the one thing cutting through the night's silence. Not a pet name, a 'sweetie' or a 'dear', but 'Natty'.

_Natty_, for crying out loud.

When one goes through their Coming of Age ceremony, they are entitled to a variety of rights, most importantly being let known that they are an official adult now in the eyes of society. There is almost always a party, and I have attended many in the past as a princess for the nobles she must stay in contact with. Sons and daughters, there was always one constant in all of them, discreet, trying to hide itself in the higher society, but still always present for the party.

Alcohol.

Nobles are humble type, only drinking out of fashion, out of politeness. Never have I seen a drunk gentleman nor lady, no one tipsy nor stumbling. It is frowned upon, for what we represent is the very people we lead. Confidence, elegance, the prime of them all. I have heard of it though, never witnessing the loss of control, and was taught it was very shameful to come to it. So I found it disgraceful, found it very well silly for one to be so...so irresponsible.

So, even as I knew that, I considered it for Guy. I didn't know how the parties after the ceremonies went for normal citizens, not cultured to their type of world. However, I knew my Guy was responsible, a gentleman, and was mature for his age. He would be fine.

That is, I suppose I never considered how if he would be _offered_ the drink. He was kind, and would probably take everyone offered, not hoping to disappoint the person who did. I told myself this as he approached me, grinning ear to ear, cheeks flush, smelling like the toxic drink.

"Natty! My cute, cute Natty!"

He hugged me then, snuggling his face into my hair, and my respect for him dropped a considerable height.

"Guy, what in the world?! Are you drunk?!"

He pulled me back still smiling that goofy smile. "Mm...maybe?"

I held back the urge to sigh loudly. Now what? I couldn't possibly give him his gift, still in my hand, wrapped and waiting. I couldn't send him back, for what if he didn't get the message? Oh! What if-

"Natty?"

"Yes?" I answered, gritting my teeth, bearing with it.

"I love you." He smiled, hands holding my own. "I'm madly in love with you. Head-over-heels in love with you."

I couldn't help but blush. Guy never said such passionate things so casually it was...surprising.

"Th-Thank you." I smiled, nervous. Soon, he was picking me up, and I yelped in surprise.

"G-Guy!"

Burying his head into my stomach, his gift already having fallen out of my hand, the sky so much closer to me now, he said "Natty, let's get married."

Shocked, of course. "E-Excuse me?"

"Let's get married. Okay?" He asked again, words muffled, the breathe strange on my stomach, warm and humid. Married? I admit, I had never considered such a route, maybe just a bit, but never too long. Guy as my husband, myself as his bride...? No, no, impossible. But still, foolish lover that I am, it still seemed like an exciting prospect, spending my life with him, and only him. But there was the betrothal, there was 'Luke'...it was not possible, a dreamer's thought.

Yet here, with the moon and stars so close, it seemed so likely, so in reach for some reason.

"You're speaking nonsense." I told him, maybe even scolded if I dared raise my voice any higher. He soon let me down, still that overpowering scent of wine so close.

"Natty." He kissed my head then. "Dance with me."

Everything he was saying sounded so strange. It was probably the alcohol. "Dance?"

"We're a couple right? And couples dance. Why don't we ever dance?" He asked, cheeks still red, pouting, looking quite cute for some reason. While yes, I was a bit angry at him, this lovey-dovey Guy seemed to abate that anger just a bit.

"Because it's silly. Guy, you're drunk, let's get you home and-"

"Come on, Natty. Just this once?" He begged, my hands clasped in his. I shook my head, sighing. This was silly, much too silly.

"Guy, please...We don't even have music."

"Then I'll sing."

I couldn't decide whether to drag him back home, or burst out laughing. "S-Sing?!"

He nodded enthusiastically, taking a few steps back, arms spread like wings. "I'm an awesome singer, didn't I tell you? You'll fall in love with me all over again, just see!"

I couldn't believe this was happening. A bad dream. Maybe a good dream. I didn't know anymore. Guy cleared his throat, hand over his heart, the other dramatically held out to me.

"_I love you~! Please say that you love me too~!"_

I was suddenly aware of the castle right beside us, with panic seizing me, I ran toward him, hand flying over his mouth.

"What if someone hears you, you fool! Stop it!" I hissed, trying to keep my own voice low. He struggled out for a second.

"But I want to tell the whole _world_" his hand gesturing to the whole garden at this, "how much I love you! _These three words could change our lives forever~!"_

I clamped my hand over his mouth, but he wiggled his way out, the song's lyrics now fractured as I battled him, trying to quiet his noise.

_"I promise we will be together-", "Till the end of time-!" "I will be your shining light~!"_

"Guy, please! Someone will-!"

"What is going on out here?!"

I froze, my heart pounding in fear, while Guy only looked to the source, soon smiling as candlelight illuminated the area.

"Sophie!" He called out, loud right next to my ear. Said person looked between Guy and myself, and for some reason I felt embarassed, cheeks heating. She was glaring at Guy then.

"Do you know how loud you are?!" She snapped, glancing toward the castle, then to us. "You'll wake up the whole city."

"I was singing, Sophie." Guy explained, stumbling toward her, already out of my grip, "For Natty."

I heard her sigh loudly, shaking head. My sentiments exactly. She grabbed Guy's hand, and to my surprise, he didn't flinch. "Come on, lover boy. Let's get you back home. Princess," She called out to me, my head raising at this. "Good night."

"G-Good night. Thank you."

And so, as she led him away, Guy called out to me, telling me over and over how much he loved me, and soon his feelings, and him, disappeared into the night.

* * *

Sorry. It's a word used so much, you'd think it would've lost it's meaning by now. Or at least, be used for more simple things, like having stepped on someone's foot, or accidentally cutting in line, soon giving them their spot back. It should probably be less meaningful when used in great quantity, as well, as it was now, with him splayed out on my couch, ice pack on head, face miserable and pained.

"I'm so sorry, Natalia. I didn't mean to drink that much, it just sort of happened...I mean all the white knights were offering me drinks, and then there were the other servants, I didn't want to be rude-!"

"I know, I know. It's fine. Honestly."

Gone were the red cheeks and 'Natty's. Guy was sober now, the day after his birthday, belated present open and appreciated. He was, however, full of shame, and headaches. His first day as an adult, and already he was tired. I wiped the bangs from his head, and sighed. To stay with him like this...I really did love him, didn't I?

"Well, maybe it was a good thing you asked for a day off." Sophie was saying next to him, softly tossing a blanket to him. Guy took it gratefully, bringing it over his shoulders, and he sighed.

"I'm sorry, Sophie. I didn't do anything embarrassing, did I...?" He asked, cautiously, and I realized he had no memory of it at all.

"You sang. In the garden." She told him flatly. Guy groaned at this, sinking under the blanket.

I was a bit sad for some reason. That night, I thought of his informal proposal, and once again of my choice between Guy or my duty as a princess. It was like a dream, the other night. The love-sick Guy, the one who told me the could-be future of us, of our love, had whispered it to me...it was like a dream. A messy, head-over-heels dream. Only I remembered it, no one else to share it with. But that was fine. I suppose it could be a memory of my own, a treasure I could cherish. For everything he said that night seemed strangely true. His love for me, his proposal. Looking at Guy now, removing the ice pack, and touching his cold forehead...I wondered what he kept inside. Did he truly want to marry me? Did he too want to elope with me, maybe steal me away? How greatly did he love me, how much was he willing to show, to hold back, to keep in?

And then there was that past that always bothered me, nagging me in the back of my mind. What sort of memories did he keep inside that was impossible to let me know? This too...I wished he could tell me.

"Natalia?"

"Hm?"

Guy blinked at me, slightly wincing at the lights in my room. "I'm sorry. I didn't do anything bad to you, did I?"

The exact opposite; he did everything for me that would make me happy.

I smiled, shaking my head. "No. You just sang to me."

He sighed again. "I...I didn't really sing, did I?"

"You did." Sophie assured him, closing the curtains, relinquishing some light. "Loudly, too."

My mind thought back to the dance he offered me, as Guy put his hands over his eyes, groaning again at this response.

It wasn't as if I didn't dance. I did with others, out of politeness at parties and such. It wasn't a strange concept to me, but with Guy...It was so outlandish, I hadn't even considered it. Did Guy even know how to dance? And if I had accepted his suggestion in the garden, how would it have been like? The moonlight our spotlight, the garden our dance floor, the crickets chirping our music (as his singing I would not take). I suppose he would've stumbled, maybe even stepping on my feet a few times in his state. Yet still, most likely smiling, blushing, happily content with me. Just the moon, him, and I.

And for some reason, I forgot about the whole fact this was an affair, about my duty as a princess, and about Luke and his promise. I smiled then, the love he had that night probably contagious.

"Guy?"

"Yes?" He responded, bringing his arms down, looking at me, still pale and sickly. I grabbed his hands then, holding onto them not too tightly, just loose enough to give him a chance to back away if he wanted to, if it so pleased him.

Because even Guy had a voice in this relationship. I'm sure even he too thought of the consequences, of the end. How I was not wholly his, how one day I would leave him. Even he had a chance to walk away from it all, keep his past a permanent secret, keep his reputation out of danger if it so pleased him. I'm sure he considered the options, wanted more freedom, less risk.

Yet, for some reason, I felt assured that he would not leave me, not wanting to leave this relationship anytime soon. Maybe it was my own childish hoping, or maybe I was blind in love.

"Dance with me, Guy."

"Wha-?"

I pulled him to his feet then, the blanket fluttering off, his new gloves guarding me from his skin. "Dance with me."

He laughed, "Natalia, what's gotten into you?"

"Love." I answered simply, pulling him toward me. That was probably the most sappiest thing I had said to him in our relationship.

Then, we were laughing, twirling, dancing, blind to the world.

"Wait, who's leading; me or you?"

"I am."

"Doesn't the man always lead?"

"You don't know how to dance."

"Of course I do!"

The world blurred past me, Sophie looking at us both, amused, the table we barely missed, the room I had grown up in. And then Guy. My love, my secret, the one person who could ruin me the most, yet love me the best.

I was sure he wouldn't leave me, maybe because I wished too much that he would always be there.

* * *

These sorts of things are timeless, retaining their beauty for all of the years, months, days, and hours they endured. It was just like his heartbeat, something I could hear so clearly if I held it up to my ear and closed my eyes, listening carefully.

I didn't have the music box with me now, but I never threw it away either. I told myself years after it ended that I might as well keep it, that he had worked so hard to make it, where was the hurt? It wasn't like I was going to go back to him just by keeping it. And I never did, only listening to it, when the whim pursued me to. I was sure Guy also used this reason, for even on our journey with Luke and the rest of them, he kept those gloves, not a bitter reminder, just a useful item.

Our love back then was young and foolish, smitten and blind. I find small comfort in it, my heart still beating at the thought of it. I found myself hungering for his heartbeat, his smell, his warmth once more. However, I did not love him. I could not, did not.

Love back then it was...silly. When people are just beginning in a relationship, embarking in this new land, they are fascinated with it, amused. Humans are easily entertained, and it is why we easily fall in love. We want to see how much we can be loved, how far we can take it. We are giddy with excitement, and back then, Guy and myself were like children. No, _I_ acted like a child. Ignoring the consequences and...

...Well. Thank goodness it's over.

Then, as my mind took this course, as I laid down the pen for a breather, my mind wandered to another place, one I had tried to ignore for years. The storm, my acceptance, and the feeling of underwater.

Of being underwater. Of Guy and that one moment we went too far because we could.

Oh...Oh God. I have to write about _that_ too? Oh...Oh no...

I'm _crying_ aren't I? Those are teardrops on the paper, so....so, yes, I _am_ crying.

I sniffled, shaking my head, sighing a shuddering sigh.

Asch. Asch I'm...I'm so sorry. I have to, and for that...

I'm sorry.

* * *

That's the end of it! Thank you for reading! Thank you very, very much! :3

Ah, this chapter...It's so bland and long, and...ugh. The writing has gotten so boring, just like I warned you at the beginning. I was right, wasn't I? Yes. Yes, I was. Dang. Dx

Um...But, yeah, sorry if Drunk!Guy was going too far. Um...Yeah, bad writing. Bad, bad, bad...And sorry if any of you were sick of the fluff. I admit I didn't like this either cause there was no conflict, _whatsoever_.

Oog.

Um, and I need help! (Sorry for not writing for so long and now asking for this!) I'm not sure about the next chapter and if any of you readers are willing to help (and risk hearing some spoilers!) then I would greatly appreciate it. I'm sorry for asking and being so selfish, but I'm really in a bind about this, so...um, PM me if interested... Dx

Ah...that is all I have to say. Thank you so, so much for reading again! Ciao! :3

-Apple Fairy


	9. Her words: Love

Hello and good to see you, reader! Apple Fairy here!

Don't worry! I'm not dead! And this fic isn't abandoned either! D:

I've had writer's block, and great uncertainty on this chapter. This is...dealing with a very touchy, delicate subject. But don't worry! I've tried my best to make it mild and subtle. Please don't lose respect for me. I...I've tried my best.

Ah, but the writing is still a bit sad. How sad. I'm a sad person. Dx

Please bear with me. I've also made this too long again. Oog. Stupid, stupid me. I'm trying my best with this fic. I think it's failing though. Maybe. We'll see.

Enough crying and whining from me now! Enjoy the fic! Please don't think too much on my words! Just enjoy the fic. Sorry. :D;;

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Tales of the Abyss.

* * *

_Unspeakable_

_Story by Apple Fairy

* * *

_

_The wind was me_

_And you were the rain_

_He was my life, my love, my want, my need_

_My lover_

_There is silence_

_Then noise_

_Then just as soon-_

_-We were one

* * *

_

The tears have stopped. I suppose I can continue now, the emotions pushed aside once more for tonight, tonight only.

I sniffled once more, dabbing my eyes with the handkerchief. It was probably no better with what I was using, a bitter reminder that made this heart of mine just hurt more. However I continued to push even that overwhelming sadness aside. Swallowing the lump in my throat, balling it inside, closing my eyes, draining all of what troubled me, what made me human, sadly enough.

Alright. I think I can continue now.

With that said, let me just get this out in the open, without over-thinking it, saying it before I back down.

Guy and I made love.

Yes, yes, it was...I am horribly ashamed of it now, of course. No one knows but us. I...

Oh, goodness, I really have to _write_ this, don't I?

Fine, fine...Oh, goodness, goodness...

Well. Yes. We did. I had been seventeen, and Guy had been twenty when we had. I...There. I had admitted it. Admitted it finally, not in my head, not alone with Guy behind closed doors, but finally on paper, a clear, written record, enough to ruin me if fallen into different hands, enough to ease my mind for keeping it all in.

How strange. While keeping all this sadness and shame in, I am trying to coax out all of what had been hidden and caused all those feelings. A truly cruel game of give-and-take.

I am going to write it. What led to it, our discussion before we did, and afterwards. I am going to write it. I will not back down. That storm I had been facing before is now showing me its worth, its true strength, and I had to keep my place, keep going. My ship could take it, I could take it. I could.

I _have_ to.

Guy. I somewhat wondered how Guy thought of this memory. As emotional as I was now? Perhaps liking to pretend it never happened?

Or was he nostalgic, perhaps hiding a love for me?

I sourly doubt it.

The pen made a dent into the paper, a trail as I wrote, as I do what I must, if not for myself, then my pride.

As I write this, I will be subtle. I _am_ a lady, after all. Some things are better left in my memory, some things better left unsaid. Do not worry; I have some class, retaining a bit of dignity even if I am a shameful, unfaithful bride-to-be.

...I apologize. It is only...It is only, through all of this, I can only picture _him_ now in my head, instead of Guy, instead of this memory.

Him with his piercing green eyes, his deep voice, softening whenever he spoke to me. His hair, so red, so long. Whenever I saw it, I thought of a flame, just like his courage, always burning. Just like my admiration for him, never burning out. Asch...

I loved Asch. I still do. I always will.

He was my childhood friend, someone who upheld the promise, who shared a love for Kimlasca with me. Who was inspiring, strong, confident, just...

Just everything I needed, I loved. He was forever; someone who I was sure would always be there. While our meetings were fleeting, Asch always dashing to something else, I knew as soon as everything was over, he would be there, done running around, just rooted.

Or maybe, he would take me along, just once.

Guy wasn't forever. In our relationship, I knew there was an end. An undetermined end, but an end nonetheless. I wasn't his to keep; he wasn't what society would accept. I knew back then one day it would stop. While it had been too late at that time, no way to stop the affair midway, going fast, too fast, I knew this was not everlasting. We would reach an end as much as maybe neither of us wanted to. We enjoyed ourselves, each other, but it was fleeting.

While Guy had been there to stay, one day he would leave. And while Asch was momentary all the time, at least he would stay in the end.

It is no surprise to who I chose.

Asch never knew about the affair. Any of it. I wonder if given the chance, I would've told him.

I'm crying again. Excuse me for a moment.

...Alright. I'm done.

Either way, he never knew. And now, I wasn't able to tell him. I...

...I think I should stop talking about Asch. It is difficult. While every time I think I have gotten over him, any small mention, any small memory of his face, his little smiles, I would instantly break down, the wall I had built for what seemed like hours and days crumbling in a split second. I had a ways to go.

Until then, I had other challenges to face, another memory to recall. One that hurt to remember for good reason. Asch had to be forgotten, no, pushed to the side tonight, my memories of him put on hold.

As another man, unknowingly, hurt me with memories he had given me.

A man I had given the ultimate show of love to, only to regret it years later.

* * *

"Let's give her another round of applause, everyone! We hope to see her try again next time!"

Their cheering stung more then it did to nurse the wound. I marched out of the stadium, back to the waiting room, then to the lobby, then out of here. Honestly, I had not _trained_ for weeks for this, had not come back week after _week_ to lose once more, to feel this sense of burning shame on my face. I was their princess, and still I made a fool of myself. I should've dashed when I saw it coming, not be sure my arrows would stop it in its path. I mean, it was a wild boar, after all. Perhaps it is the type of bow I carry? Or my own strength? Why did I hesitate to use my artes; had I no trust in my ability? Oh, what a foolish fighter I am, hesitating and scared and…

"Princess Natalia?"

Next time will be better, rest assured. Yes, yes…next time there will be no stalled reactions, more planned out thinking…

"Princess Natalia? Princess Natalia?"

Oh! Why did I not use my healing artes?! Am I some sort of _idiot?!_ Honestly, how could I forget that? Next time, next time…

But I _always_ said 'next time' didn't I? I did the previous week, and the week before that, and I am so, so…

"Princess Natalia?"

"What?!" I snapped, my self weary and tired, and just wishing I could be less incompetent, less stupid as I was in the Coliseum. I had begun to enter the matches and I had not yet passed the beginner's level. _Again._

I saw the nurse widen her eyes and back away at my harsh words. She gulped, looking to the side.

"I…I'm sorry, but…do you want me to heal your wounds, your Highness?" She struggled, eyes glancing to me, then away again, nervously. I felt a pang in my heart. Not only was I a weak fighter, but also an ill-tempered princess. Today was just lovely, wasn't it?

I sighed, and shook my head, trying my best to soften my features. "No, no. That is fine. Thank you, though." I smiled a forced smile, and excused myself, walking briskly toward the doors. I wished no longer to be in this setting, and only wanted to be back home, to train some more, to improve some. Still I was so weak, and…

And with an opening of the doors, a cold wind hit me, and I shivered. Looking up, I could see the sky gray with clouds, rain imminent. I let out a loud sigh.

With any luck it just might start raining as I walked back to the castle. Lovely. Just lovely. I hadn't even listened closely to the maid as she dressed me this morning, telling me the weather the Score had predicted today, had I? No, of course not, too determined to win this time at the Coliseum. I couldn't even finish off a wild boar, for goodness' sakes. I sighed, placing my bow over my head and my chest, adjusting it, as I walked toward home. The only way was to go forward now, I supposed.

But even that was impossible today, it seemed, an obstacle greeting me as soon as I climbed up the stairs, as I headed for the elevator.

"Natalia!" He had grinned, and walked toward me, a smile on his face as usual. He was bright in this dreary day, and I found a bit of comfort in this, but, alas, only a smidge.

"Guy? What are you doing here?" I asked him. We walked to the side, to not stop anyone in their path, he leaning against a wall, as I only stood there.

"I thought I'd surprise you." He shrugged, then looking to the side. "Well, more so, see where you've been these past weeks."

"You have wondered?"

"You never tell me." He smiled ruefully, and then looked at me, his eyes examining my body. "And telling by those wounds it seems risky."

I felt my ears heat, and looked down. Scrapes on my knees and dirt on my clothing. Yes. Today was just _wonderful_.

I sighed, and shook my head, crossing my arms over my chest, looking to the ground. "No, no. I am only…entering in the Coliseum these days."

"I saw."

I felt the shame heat my cheeks once more. He _saw_ all my blunders, my mistakes? Goodness, it was bad enough the citizens I led saw that, but _Guy_ as well? I really wish there was a hole to crawl in, any one really, to save me of this embarrassment.

"Sweetie, are you okay?" He asked softly, leaning toward me a bit, yet I still refused to meet his gaze. I shook my head again, sighing loudly, tired and humiliated.

"I am fine." I lied, too weary to even correct him this time, "I should go home."

Thunder rumbled off into the distance, my mind telling me I should leave now so as to not let the rain catch me. Yet, I did not wish to appear rude, and for some reason, waited for Guy's response, his approval, anything really. However, he did not respond verbally, grabbing my wrist, as we ducked into an alleyway, a yelp escaping my lips.

Then, he was holding me, his chest warm, a nice comfort in this cold weather, and his hand went up and down my back. His kindness almost made me cry for I was so grateful for it in this horrible, horrible day.

"Natalia," he whispered, bending down a bit, his breath on my ear, "are you alright?"

Well, with my body shivering at his voice, he had either made my mood better or worse. And with that one instant, that small show of love, he had teared down by defenses, had made the reasoning against my hiding it seem foolish and useless, unnecessary. Guy had, so effortlessly, shown me what I should do, what I really wanted. So, I gave in.

"...No." I sighed, creating a bit of space between us, my hands on his chest. "I am not fine. Not at all."

He only smiled as he usually would at times like this. Even the shade from the storm clouds did not ruin his light. With a hand on my cheek, he asked, "Why not?" as per usual, as was his custom. The times when Guy listened to my problems were so easy to recognize now, our personal, secret routine, shared between the both of us only. I sighed, shaking my head.

"You saw what happened, Guy. I lost, once more."

"Well, you'll do better next time. Maybe I can help you train, yeah?"

I ignored his offer. "I had lost in front of my own citizens. I am their princess, and to humiliate myself like that..."

"They won't think low of you just because of a few losses, sweetie."

"My name is Natalia." I sighed loudly, irritated, not by him, but by this day in general. The thunder growing louder didn't help my mood, either. "Today has been horrible." I announced before he could say anything else. I still refused to look into his eyes, his face, even as I felt the leather of his glove on my cheek, his skin barred from me. Somewhere in my heart, I longed to feel his skin against my own, whether it be hand against my own, or his lips against mine.

I ignored this impulsive want, focusing on the sky. It was cold now, the air smelling of humidity. The band was getting ready to play their concert of raindrops and thunder.

"You're just having one of those days." He reassured me, his comfort appreciated, but not helping, "It'll pass."

I felt this strange momentum in my heart as I stared at the sky, wishing today would end now, or perhaps, it would never have even happened in the first place. I wanted to fly. I wanted to lift right out of here, and fly back home, not having to worry about the long walk back to the castle, waiting on machines to take me where I wanted. I wanted the feeling of only waiting upon the wings I did not have. Or perhaps, I wouldn't even have to return home. Perhaps I could even fly to other places, foreign lands, places I hadn't visited yet. The sky was my limit, my wishes the only thing binding me.

Alas, I still stood where I was, grounded. My dream was only a dream, and my body felt overwhelmed. Just one of those days I was sick of the world, knowing full well I should be grateful for this life, yet entirely too human to do that twenty-four seven.

I felt the tears, hot and salty roll down my cheeks. Yes, I was crying; not heaving sobs, but only angry and sad and frustrated.

"Natalia, are you okay?"

I wanted to yell at Guy 'Does it _look_ like I am okay?!', but I did not, and only shook my head, sniffling, his hand leaving my cheek, wrapping around me, and then going down and up my back. He smelled like soil, as usual.

"It's okay, sweetie. Shh, shh it's okay." He cooed, his voice good in my ear, his body warm. I cried more just because he was so kind, so sweet, just because I was so thankful for him. I closed my eyes, holding him back, needless to say; listening to his heartbeat.

My worries slipped away again, and I only breathed him in, refusing to give him a verbal answer, and only savoring this. And Guy, as perfect as he is, did not pursue anything, understanding quite well.

It was after I could see some lightning in the distance from the corner of my eye that I created some distance from him.

"Better?" He asked, and I nodded, eyes still damp, but the crying had stopped. He brushed his fingers on my cheek, and I leaned into them instinctively.

For some reason, I wished time would stop and it would just be him and me as my heart skipped a beat, taking in that heartbeat, only wishing that the thunder wouldn't be there, that we could stay like this undisturbed.

"Let's go." He whispered, my heart aching just as soon as it had responded to him. I gulped, finding an excuse for him to stay, contrasting my want to go home earlier. How did he make me change my mind so easily? He had such a power over me I wondered if he would ruin me one day, vaguely. Where was this going, why was I here, why had I had to love such a man so dearly? There were to be consequences I knew, and this shouldn't go too far, too far to take everything back. I would have to set some guidelines, know where we should stop.

And even as he turned to walk, and I grabbed his collar, kissing him full and hard on the lips, I betrayed myself still.

If we went too far the repercussions would be too great to fix. My goodness, I was to be _married _three years from now...Could I hold myself back this long? This want for him, this love that shook me to my core, that warmed my bones?

I had to. This was wrong, I told myself. Terribly wrong, and I should stop right now.

But I just kept going. Running my fingers through his hair as he soon eased into my rhythm, following suit, following my lead. I suppose he accepted it wordlessly, knowing what I wanted, and maybe even knowing what he wanted too.

It wasn't like this was new. We were going too far. Pushing our limits as far as we could, testing out new waters, breathless and excited, and quite stupid. Children. No, maybe I was the child. But Guy was going along with it too, so I suppose it's appropriate to blame him too.

If we went too far there would be no way to go back. I had read once somewhere, a poem if I recall correctly, that after a certain length it is impossible to go back to simply holding hands, stealing kisses in the cover of a garden. Was this right? No, of course not. I should...I...

He was warm, the cold of the wind forgotten, and I could feel myself drifting, as if I was on water, the sea right under me, taking me anywhere it pleased. I was fine with that, giving the waves my permission, only soaking in the sun.

I didn't want to think of the consequences, as he kissed my jaw line. I wanted to just _be_ with him. Was it truly that wrong to chase one's wants, to do whatever we so pleased?

Yes. In this case, it was.

And yet _still _I let myself part his lips with my tongue, massaging his with mine. Come now, everyone, look. Look how far the princess has fallen.

Yet, curse myself, it felt _good_. I...Oh, if only things were just a tad bit different! If only, if only...

I...If only this didn't feel so good.

I should ask him stop. There is thunder rumbling in the distance, and it's getting louder, the air more humid and heavy. If we didn't leave now we would most likely get stuck in the rain and have to run home; it would be terribly inconvenient and...

...If I didn't leave now I don't think I would wish for him to stop, neither for me to.

Guy was kissing my jaw-line, his hands fumbling with my clothes. I was wearing the same attire as I had on my journey with the others, my clothing I wore to the Coliseum matches. It was what I wore when I snuck out, lying to father about where I was headed, not for supervised fights, but to my fiancé's side, to help save Akzeriuth.

But that was then, this is the past, and Guy was having trouble with my cravat.

"Natalia," he asked, "how do you take this off?"

I wasn't embarrassed. Well, no, that's not right; I was. But I was getting accustomed to this, to this intimate touching, his passionate kisses. He was going fast, the relationship having aged enough for it to be justified, and I knew it was wrong, horribly wrong. But I cared not for it, letting myself indulge in this vice, stopping it before it went too far. I had the bruises on my neck, his tongue in my mouth as rewards for my shame.

But this time, as I told myself every time, even now, I would stop him before he could even begin. Surprisingly enough, I actually stayed true to my words, for once.

"Wait, Guy, I really do need to get home." I shook my head, heart beating fast, cheeks red and hot. "It's late."

"Sweetie, you have a wound here." He ignored me, touching my shoulder, the cloth stained red, only a bit. He kissed it then, causing me to shiver. No, no, no. I had to fight back; I need to have some sort of self-control, some sort of honor, at least.

"Guy-"

"Why didn't you let the healers heal you?" He cut me off, before I could ask him, kindly, to stop that and to let me go home. Another flash of lightning went off in the distance, but I ignored it. I tried to focus on his question, trying to forget the feeling of drifting, trying to regain some strength, which had somehow seeped all the way to my toes under his intimate touches.

"I…I thought I could heal myself." I lied, avoiding his gaze. His disapproval showed in his tone.

"Sweetie…"

"Natalia. It's Natalia." I corrected him. Well, at least I was _somewhat_ my self.

"You'll just make yourself more tired then." He slightly scolded, brushing my hair from my face. I wished he wasn't so kind sometimes. Guy was a sweetheart, loving and amiable, and hard to hate. It made it difficult to get angry with him, and with this new threat of going further in the relationship, I couldn't be angry with him at all, only let him do as he pleased, if only to make him happy. Because, curse myself, I was so in love with him, I couldn't bear to hurt him, not one bit.

I did not think low of him. Guy is human, and for that he wanted more, I knew. He never said it verbally, but he showed it. I even wanted more, myself human as well, sadly. But this was bad, this affair going far enough as it was. And I was still so young! Guy was the first man I had ever gotten this close to, my first kiss, my first…'boyfriend' if you so wished to call him.

Yes, I had to stop, I had to confront him about it, had to stop it while I still could, or more so, am willing to.

"Like this." I found myself saying, undoing the cravat, taking out the tie pin, slipping the cloth off. "That's how you take it off."

And yet still, I was faulty and stupid, and red in the face, avoiding his gaze, wondering if he would take the hint. It was a good while before he responded, putting his hand on my cheek, causing me to look at him. His face was solemn; the look in his eyes an undetermined look. I closed my eyes as he kissed me, his fingers bringing down my collar, and felt his tongue against my own, causing all my willpower, my common sense to leave me.

This was bad, I know. I knew. It was wrong, we were going too fast, I should've fought back. Was he too overpowering? Perhaps too strong to resist. Maybe I was too weak, my fragility showing once again today in a different scenario.

But even as I felt his lips hard on my neck, heard my own whimpers, I didn't wish at all to push him away, to end this. I didn't know why, trying to figure out, too distracted by the pleasure he gave me, the delight rushing throughout my body.

Then I figured it out, as I did the same to him, hands running through his hair, kissing him with my mouth open, my body acting on its own.

I _liked_ it. I _wanted_ this. It felt good, it felt so good, I didn't want it to stop, this love, this fervor, this passion. I was spoiling myself, not caring for the consequences, no good reason for wanting it. Just…

I loved Guy. And the love was getting deeper, and the deeper the love, the more selfish one gets. I wanted more from him, I wanted…

I wanted _him._

"Guy…" I spoke, breathless, and our lips were only inches apart, catching our breath.

"Yeah?"

A crack of thunder resounded through the air, my heart's beats in my ears. I gulped, and it felt as if the spotlight was blinding me.

I know I wanted him. I didn't know how much I wanted from him, but I wanted to know how badly he wanted _me_.

In what sort of _manner_ did he want me.

"If given the chance would you…" I began, but faltered, gripping the cravat in my hand, a glimpse of it in the corner of my eye. No, I couldn't! No, but I wished to know, but…Oh, goodness how embarrassing! How would one go about asking this, without losing respect from others or oneself? Oh goodness, goodness…I was truly too far into this, put in such a situation.

"Yeah?" He asked breathlessly, catching his air, patient. I felt on edge then, him waiting on my word. Well. I suppose I had gotten this far, and there was no way to turn back now. So to kill the mortification, I just went out with it, bumbling embarrassed, already searching for a hole to crawl into.

"If given the chance would you make love to me?!"

"Huh?!" He answered, eyes wide, passion killed, and surprise taking its place.

It was then it began to rain.

We were caught off-guard, of course. The thunder had finally shown why it was warning us so much, showing its bite, tired with its bark.

Of course there had been sprinkling before; but I being too lost in the passion and embarrassment, didn't notice. I...Oh why am I being so _foolish_ today?

We ran, Guy taking my hand, and I let him lead me. We needed shelter, the rain pelting me, some of it trickling into my wounds, making it sting. Nothing went through my mind; only that I needed to get somewhere warm, somewhere out of harm's way.

Somehow I knew he was taking me to such a place.

* * *

Before I knew it, there was a slamming of the doors behind us, a brightness of lights blinding me, a change from the darkness of outside. We were in the inn.

"Oh god!" The receptionist exclaimed, a hand flying to her mouth. "Guy, is that you?"

He laughed then, his normal self again, his hand already having let go of mine, my cravat clutched in my hand, hanging limply. He walked toward the desk, and I only followed him, shivering, already longing for a nice bath.

"I look that bad, huh?" He smiled, "Look, think you can get us a room?"

The girl frowned, and looked past us, to the door. "Well...I guess. I mean, it does sound bad out there."

"Thanks. How much?"

"No charge." she shook her head. "I couldn't charge you in _this_ situation. Let's just say it's payback for that time, yeah?"

He smiled a warm smile at her. "You're sweet."

They talked for a little while longer, but I wasn't truly listening, already regretting what I had said, and dreading this situation. Just Guy and myself, and a room to ourselves? And why, oh why for goodness sake's did I ask him _that_? Honestly, this could not be any worse of a situation, and how could I manage to fix this damage I had caused and...

...And stupid, foolish girl I was, I still wondered what Guy's answer would have been.

I honestly have no self-control, do I?

Finally, we got the keys to the room, and walked the hallways in silence, still cold and wet.

Needless to say, the air was heavy with an awkward feeling. Today was not improving, not in the least.

"...So." I said, just wishing to banish this weighted air. Guy turned to look at me.

"Yeah?"

I looked up to him, then away. "What did she mean by 'that time', if you don't mind me asking." I replied. I didn't even really care for the answer, only filling in the silence with pointless subjects, to distract us from the elephant in the room, my question that was so heavy. He shrugged, turning back around fully, looking at the door's numbers.

"I helped her organize the guest records once. That was all."

"I see."

Then once more it was silent. I focused on his back, his clothing wet and clinging, his hair matted, the keys hanging loosely from his hand. I tried in vain to come up with something else, another topic. What I feared the most right now was if he would bring it up, if he would answer me.

And wherever that answer would lead to.

I finally decided to comment on the weather, always a last resort for me, until he saved me the breath.

"I'm surprised."

"About what?" I answered without thinking. I worried if it would be how I had asked such a risqué question, but found out it was nothing of the sort.

"She didn't know you were the princess? I thought maybe she'd say something about that..."

I had forgotten I was even of royal blood, only a girl with problems of love a short while ago. I shook my head, even if he wasn't able to see it.

"A lot of the citizens don't know my face. It's not as if I prance around announcing I am the princess when I am out in the city. Most only think I reside in the castle and travel nowhere else."

"Oh. I guess I never thought of that."

"It is for the better, most likely. In this day and age and whatnot."

"Here it is."

I bit my lip as he unlocked the door, the importance of our conversation falling away. There was a feeling of dire in my heart as we entered. It had been a while since I had seen the inside of Baticul's inn rooms. A window covered most of the northern wall, showing the coliseum. It felt so long ago that I had just been there minutes before, losing and feeling quite pathetic. Now it was empty, the wind throwing the sand around, water covering the seats. A loud crack of thunder rumbled outside softly. I longed for this storm to stop soon, if only so I could leave this room and Guy's side, if only to run away from this unpleasant situation.

"Do you want to take a bath?"

"P-Pardon?" I stammered. Guy pointed to the bathroom door, open only a bit.

"You look soaked. Do you want to take a bath?" He asked again. A gentleman as always. I shook my head however, my love and care for him overtaking any other priorities.

"Oh, Guy, I couldn't. You are in the same position as I; you go first."

Guy frowned, and sighed. He shook his head then, walking toward the bed, placing the keys on the dresser, his back turned to me.

"Sweetie, you need it more than me." He turned to me then, his face that of concern, "Just awhile ago you were fighting, remember?"

I thought of this, considering his offer, deciding it to be logical. I nodded then, and replied reluctantly, "As you wish. I shall not be long then."

However, just as soon as my hand touched the knob, wondering if Guy had forgotten about it all (quite assured even, seeing as he gave no sort of inkling), he spoke.

"Natalia?"

"Hm?"

I turned to him, just as he had his vest in his hands, already taking off his gloves, gripping one of the fingers, sliding it off. He looked to me then, solemn, yet shy. He hesitated a bit, opening his mouth, and then closing it. Guy finally blushed, and I found myself waiting on his words, on what he would say.

"...I love you."

The first thing I wondered was why he took so long to admit that. I only let it go though, and smiled at him.

"And I, you."

Then I entered in, closing the door behind me.

* * *

I considered the idea in the shower. Of course I wouldn't stop thinking about it; it was said and done, and mistake that it was, I would have to fix it.

The warm water was a nice change of pace, as I bathed, not used to bathing myself. I was accustomed to the maids doing it for me, but then again, I was in no position to choose. It was the same sensation as when I had been stuck in the rain, but more pleasant, more to my liking. The cold fell away, swirling down the drain, my wounds stinging from the water. I decided to heal them while I was in there, taking my time, but also remembering Guy needed to bathe too, as he waited for me to finish.

And at the thought of him, my mind went else where.

I loved Guy. I know that; I know that very well. I was risking my reputation, my country, just to be with him. I had no regrets when I chose him, and at this moment, I still have none. He is perfect, a gentleman, my love, my secret. I have no questions as to how much I love him, about how deep this love for him is.

However, it is already two years into the relationship. We are...we are 'ready' I suppose.

....My goodness, I honestly just _wrote_ that didn't I? I can't wait to be done with this section; then I won't feel as if I'm writing a novel of questionable morals.

Either way.

If it had been any other position we are in, I...I suppose I wouldn't mind. I...I _love_ Guy. I know he won't pressure me; he is too kind. I know he will take it at the pace that I wish for us to go. He is patient, considerate.

But then again, I know he loves me too. With our current...'sessions', I suppose, it is shown, clear as day, how much he loves me. How he whispers into my ear how much he loves me, how beautiful he finds me...

I pressed my forehead against the tiled wall. I felt my cheeks warm, no contribution from the soothing shower waters.

...I need to move on with this train of thought. As I was saying.

So, yes, as established, Guy loves me. A great deal. And I love him too. He is perfect and handsome and...

...And there are consequences. There always are with our relationship. If perhaps we did, then what? There is too much risk. If it were to be found out, if perhaps word would get out that I had spent the night with a servant, I would surely be punished. Guy would be banished from Kimlasca. And...

I can't. _We_ can't.

If...Oh, if only! If only things were a bit different, if perhaps we were of different statuses, and if only it were possible!

I turned the tap, the bathroom turning silent quickly. I stood there for awhile, the air moist and heavy, my hands still on the warm metal. I felt the water drip-drop off my hair, cold on my back.

I suppose that was it then. We couldn't. No matter how much I loved him, I couldn't. Because in society's eyes it is forbidden, because I have a duty as a princess. No matter how real the relationship felt, I always came to this stop, this one roadblock that was immovable, that was here to stay.

I was having an affair with my fiancé's servant. And no matter what, no matter how good it felt, no matter how much I loved him, it would always be a shameful act.

* * *

"Where are your clothes?"

At first, I blushed, bringing the bathrobe closer to me, the clothe fuzzy and soft. I gulped, looking away from him, gripping my previous wear in my hands. They were cold.

"My…My clothes had gotten wet in the rain, so I had decided to wear something else while I waited for them to dry." I explained. For some reason, my heart was beating rapidly, my legs weak. Was I nervous even though I had come to my conclusion? I couldn't with Guy. It would only lead to consequences and regret. Things were better off this way.

However, it was not as if I could take back that horrific question I had asked. Guy had heard it, and I knew he would be kind enough as to respect my wishes. There is still however the awkwardness it would leave behind, the unsaid feelings, the struggled way as to ignore the elephant in the room.

Perhaps that is why I am nervous. Yes, that must be the cause.

"I see." He smiled apologetically, as if this was his fault. He held out his hand then, earning my confused gazed.

"Guy, what-?"

"Here. Let me hang them for you." He offered. I did as he asked, his kindness I learned not to turn down. I watched him, my love, as he draped them over the chairs faced toward the window, meant for spectators to look over the coliseum battles. I felt touched once more, at his thoughtful nature, smiling at this. If it were any other man, I wouldn't even worry over this. But this was Guy, and Guy drove me mad at times, made me laugh, caused me to show more emotions than a princess is allowed. He was…amazing. My love.

"I'm sorry." He suddenly spoke, his back still turned toward me. I pulled the collar closer to me, just for something to do.

"For what?"

"I…I shouldn't have made you stay. In…In the alleyway." He gulped, his words showing his guilty and embarrassed mood. He sighed, and then finally turned to me, his eyes apologetic, all my clothes placed right where they should be at this moment.

"You wanted to go home, and I ignored that. Because of that, we're stuck here and…" Guy looked away, absentmindedly staring at the wall, the window and rain his background. "…And I'm sorry."

And once more I found myself more in love with him. How did he do that? Always, no matter what, it turned out like this. This…this lovable fool.

And I was his equally love-sick girl.

I walked toward him, placing a hand on his arm, and he returned my gaze. His sleeve felt damp. It felt as if he was shivering a bit also, but I could've been wrong.

"Guy, go take a bath." I told him quietly, "You're wet."

He kissed me then, smiling, understanding quite well. He held my hand, squeezing it, nodding.

"As you wish."

As he walked toward the bathroom, as I watched his back, then the shutting of the door behind him, I felt conflicted. How could I deny someone like that, deny my love for him? I…I have no self-control, honestly. Still, I find myself acting fickle, and denying my previous compromise. I walked between the beds, staring at the gloves he had left on the nightstand, the same ones I had bought for him, and then I looked ahead, lost in thought.

To be logical, I wouldn't. There are so many risks! So much could happen and…and it's wrong.

Yet, to be romantic, I would. I loved him. I truly am in love with him. But what sort of choice was that? One easily outweighs the other option. There is no argument, no challenge. It is a simple decision to make.

I could hear the water running now, Guy finally ridding himself of the cold. Once again, at the thought of him, I wavered.

Was I not allowed to be human?! Could I not spoil myself? Was it so wrong, so terrible to just once indulge myself with no regrets, no shame, nothing to worry about?

I shook my head, laughing a bitter laugh. What a fool I was. Was I not doing this now? Holding a relationship with Guy as I was? I would be terribly selfish if I were to ask for more. Had I no self-respect?

Sometimes I wished I didn't beat myself up so much. I was getting a headache from all of this. These conflicting feelings, these worries.

My mind was going in circles, no progress being made. If only I had a simpler life, a simpler love affair.

If only, if only, if only. That was the only thing I was saying, and I was getting terribly sick of it. I needed to make a choice. I…

I was stressed. Again. On this horrible day.

Wonderful. Just wonderful.

A loud crack of thunder resounded outside, shaking the room, causing me to shiver. I looked outside, the sky dark, the outer world an ugly state of being. I glared then, feeling a fierce anger boil in my stomach. I had a strong urge to scream, but refrained from it, if only to retain some, if only a bit, of dignity. I sat on the bed then, sliding down, onto the floor.

Come now, everyone. Look. Look how far the mighty princess has fallen.

I sighed then, loudly, shaking my head, staring ahead mindlessly. How does a girl of my age, in my position, come to a decision? I knew one day that I would have to, to bear an heir to the throne. I was taught it as soon as I turned thirteen, my duty as a queen, one of the many I would have when I would come of age. However, my partner had already been decided as Luke, so I would have no worries as to who it would be.

But as things are, I do not wish it to be Luke. I cannot even imagine any of it related to him! He was so estranged from this subject, it seemed silly.

Yet with Guy I…I can imagine it.

I brought my knees to my chest, resting my head on it, groaning. Thoughts such as _that_ were definitely not going to help me.

Then, I noticed something, glinting underneath the bed opposite of me. Squinting, I could see upon closer inspection it…it was a one gald piece.

First I felt elation, a sudden burst of inspiration, a silver lining in my storm.

I could decide with this! A heads or tails decision!

…To this day, yes, I realize I was being quite…stupid. However, I was desperate, and I needed something. _Anything._

I snatched it from its hiding place, examining it. I guessed it had been something the maids had missed, or maybe one of us had dropped. Its origins didn't matter, though; only the purpose it would serve.

I gulped, turning it over and over in my hand. Heads I…wouldn't. And tails would be the opposite. I breathed in deeply, the other sounds falling away as I flipped it: the rain and thunder outside, the sudden silence from the bathroom as the water was cut off by Guy.

It flipped once, then twice, and then more then I could count. I closed my eyes as it landed with a clink, apprehension having claimed my heart. Finally, I took a look, the dread already hitting my heart.

Tails.

I leaned against the bed. I…suppose I should?

Oh, what was I doing anyway?! Deciding such an important thing with a coin! I…I was so stupid! So foolish! I am truly going mad in this way!

I placed my face in my hands, slumped over and tired. Oh why, oh why was this happening to me?! Why was this day so terrible, what had I done to earn this punishment, to have to-?

"Natalia?"

"Ah!" I yelped, looking up. Guy blinked at me, confused, his hand still on the bathroom's knob, his hair flat against his head, wearing an identical bathrobe to mine, his clothes limp in his arms. I blushed, mortified.

And to top it all off, he had to see my inevitable downfall into insanity. Lovely day this was turning out to be.

"Natalia, what are you doing on the floor…?" He asked, halfway realizing how foolish that question sounded. I avoided his eyes, looking at that one gald coin. It was its fault I was like this…no. It's my own stressed mind.

"I…" I shook my head, deciding there was no grace to answering that and stood up, dusting off my backside, "It doesn't matter. Guy?"

"Yeah?"

"…I think I should get another room."

Yes. That would be good. I wouldn't be tempted, I wouldn't consider, we'd leave as soon as the storm stopped, it would be good. I would fix my mistake later, when I didn't feel so cornered. It would be fine. Just fine.

…Why was I getting a case of déjà vu?

In any case, I didn't meet his eyes. I didn't look to his direction. Not even as he past by me, putting his own clothes to dry, silently. If I faltered now I…No. I would be strong. I could do this. I…

I loved him. I loved him but we couldn't. We just…couldn't.

"This room has two beds." He pointed out. There was sort of edge to his voice, a small hint as if I had offended him somehow. Of course I was worried, but I couldn't tell what I had done wrong. I decided to ignore it for now and press on, finding any good reason to leave his side.

"I know." I answered, my voice level, "But would it not be easier for you if-"

"You want to sleep with me?"

"Pardon?!" I asked, my voice high and somewhat squeaky. Had I honestly just heard that?! It was my imagination, right?!

But Guy turned to me, his face nervous, his cheeks red, looking somewhat bemused, and maybe a bit scared.

Oh no, no, no. He asked. It's said.

I had no way out of this now.

He gulped, looking away, then back at me, then away again. He opened his mouth, but closed it, crossing his arms. I saw the blush reach his ears as he finally looked at me, uncertain, but stuck just as I.

"I…I said, you…want to sleep with me?" He repeated, more of a question then an offer, then looked away. "In the alleyway I…"

"You heard that?"

"…Yeah."

"I…I see." I nodded too fast, looking away, deciding to sit on one of the beds. Guy was asking me if what he had heard was right, if that was what I wanted. He wasn't asking me to, but rather seeing if what I had said was what I really wanted.

He wanted me to explain.

He gulped then, clearly as nervous as I. Guy walked over, sitting a distance away from me, his clothes drying alongside mine. There was a loud silence in the room, unnerving and heavy.

We were at a standstill then, both of us understanding the situation. Now there was only the 'Now what?' hanging in the air, what we would decide would come next. I realized then, I could politely ask him to forget it all, to act as if it never happened. But humans don't work that way, do we? We remember the important things in life, sometimes as, much as we don't want to. This would still stay in the back of his mind, pestering him, never leaving. The relationship would be strained, it…it was a heavy question I had asked, and of course there were repercussions.

So now what? So now what?

"…I do." I spoke quietly, the rain still pounding outside, as if it wanted to be let in; maybe it would be a good distraction.

"I do wish to…be with you." I whispered more quietly, surprised my voice was wavering a bit. I did not feel tears but…I did feel sad. For what?

For the restrictions on our relationship of course.

Call me selfish. Call me a whore. Please, I beg you. I know I shouldn't be this worked up, this dramatic about such a subject. I should just not care, should be more mature, more responsible. I'm being a fool. Call me that too, if you so wish.

Honestly, you're probably thinking why in the world was this so important to me. It's just _sex _after all. Guy and I would be perfectly fine even if we didn't. In fact, it would be even better if we didn't! We were rushing into this, it would be fine if I didn't spend the night with him and….

My God, I think I'm crying again. Excuse me, for a moment.

Alright, I've calmed down.

Of course these questions plague me _now._ We didn't need sex to be happy, we didn't need it all.

But no. I'm tainted now. I'm not pure at all; I don't deserve a white wedding dress. I was stupid and silly and I just wanted to do it just to see how it was like, didn't I? Foolish girl! I…

I should go on, before I begin crying again.

For now, though, just know I'm different now. What I did…was wrong and all decided on a thoughtless whim and juvenile lust. Honestly.

In any case, Guy spoke.

"Oh." He nodded from the corner of my eye. "I-I see."

Silence once more. It was then I decided to turn it down, and worry about the rest later; either way, this was a problem, and I needed to get rid of it.

"Think nothing of it." I laughed nervously, shaking my head, the shaking in my voice not matching the mood I was attempting, "It was…it was nothing. I…I was merely a bit…how to say, out of it. Think nothing of it, Guy. Please."

I laughed a bit more, but it was shaky and weak, a feeble support for my excuse. I knew Guy could tip it over if it so pleased him.

I could see him looking back to me from the corner of my eye, but refused to return his gaze. I had to be strong.

Obviously I hadn't been strong, not at all.

"Then…then why did you say it?" He pressed. If I could, I would've just grabbed him by the collar and shook him; asking why he could not see what I was trying to do. Are you blind?! It can not happen, so stop pursuing it! It is beginning to get on my nerves!

But I didn't, and remained calm with him.

"On a whim." I lied, shrugging. "It was only on a whim."

Now that I think of it, why did Guy go along with it? Had he honestly thought it necessary to our relationship? Or was he truly as careless and flighty as to sleep with me because I was offering. Maybe he too, was intrigued by the idea, wanting to try it just once with this girl that so madly loved him. Maybe he just wanted the sex. I don't know.

But I've suddenly grown a bit of distaste for him now. He should've been an adult about it–we both should've–and stopped before anything got too serious.

What stupid children we were.

"Oh." He muttered, looking away from me. That was it. That _should've _been it.

But I faltered. Of course I did.

"…There is too much risk, Guy." I whispered. "I…I'm sorry, but we can't."

"Natalia." Guy sighed loudly, and I finally looked to him. His eyes met mine, his face tired. It was then I realized Guy had been mulling over this as well, just as worried and fearful as I. For a while I felt touched knowing we were on the same level now, in the same situation.

He shook his head, frowning. "If you don't want to, I…won't pressure you."

Just as I predicted. A gentleman as always.

I chose to study my hands, fiddling with them, embarrassed. He was so kind, so sweet.

I loved him.

"It is not that I don't want to, it is only…" I trailed off, eyes downcast. A loud sigh then, "It is only that there…there is too much risk."

Guy nodded. "I can understand that."

"But please, believe me," I added quickly, looking back to him, "I…I love you, Guy."

He studied my face and there was a pause in the conversation. What did he see? His love? A mistake? A woman who he had gotten so far with, so close to reach a stage like this. A decision like this. I remembered Guy once telling me that I was his first love, his first girlfriend (I blushed when he called me that, his own cheeks just as red), the first woman he has dated. Touched in a long while even.

I felt special then. Like he had chosen me out of a large selection, had taken hold of my hand and pulled me out of the crowd. He laughed when I said this, shaking his head.

"It's more like you stood out." He corrected me.

We had both charmed each other, I found out. Rather than me having fallen for Guy, having given my all to this man, I had unknowingly been doing the same to him.

That meeting had been weeks ago, shared in a café. I wonder why I remembered it now.

Then he did something that was predictable yet so very surprising and sent me right off the deep end.

Guy smiled at me. Smiled such a wide and warm smile it made the shivers run down my spine.

"I love you, too." He whispered.

I knew what he was saying as he looked down at that moment, blushing and humble. He wanted the same thing. He felt the same.

Guy wanted me.

How did he do that? All the time, I fell for it, for his soft words and soft eyes and sweet, sweet love.

I'm a fool. A fool in love.

"If they were to find out," I blurted, stumbling and silly, "you would surely be banished."

I had turned away, looking forward by then, wondering if he would catch on. He did.

"I know. But…no one knows."

I laughed. "Guy, it would be obvious if I didn't return home-"

"The storm."

"Pardon?"

I turned to him, Guy motioning toward the window. The thunder rumbled as if on cue, proud to finally be mentioned probably, showing if its strength at its moment. He gulped. "You have an excuse." He whispered, like we were conspiring and planning a crime.

(I suppose it was, technically.)

He was right. I had an excuse. If I told father I had waited at an inn to wait for the storm to stop, the reason I didn't return to the castle, he would believe it. There would be no reason for him to look into it too deeply either; father trusted me. It hurt a bit to take advantage of that trust but I ignored the guilt.

I was getting good at that, it seemed, the longer I stayed with Guy.

In any case, he had a point, but-

"The innkeeper." I pointed out, my voice just as quiet as his. Guy glanced to the door, as if expecting her to be there at that moment, maybe to stop our little plan, or offer more towels or something. Guy looked down to the bed's sheets, considering it.

"…You're right. I guess-"

"Oh!" I exclaimed.

"What?" Guy asked, worried.

"She doesn't know who I am!" I cried happy. "She doesn't know I am the princess!"

It was then the excitement caught me, taking me along for the ride. I was prideful at this realization, that I had conquered an obstacle for us. We were partners in crime, both figuring out it was possible.

That we could, with no worries.

Guy grinned. "No; she doesn't." he repeated, just as happy.

My eyes went downcast, blushing.

It could happen.

We talked a bit more. Of other consequences, but we quelled those too. I felt happy with him then. We jumped all those hurdles, at the same speed, the same sync. Nothing could stop us; nothing would forbid us from this. This time we made the rules, went to the beat of our own drum, and decided what we could do without worry of others.

We were a couple in charge of our own relationship. I wished it was always like this.

"You wish to…" I blushed, looking down, all those problems resolved and now just us, left to ourselves, "…with me?"

I didn't see his expression, his reaction. But actions spoke louder then words. Guy leaned forward, his head on my shoulder. I wondered how the terry-clothe felt on his forehead, but stopped thinking about it when I heard his answer.

"Yes." He muttered, my mind flashing back to that session in the alleyway, the breathless kisses, the intimate touches. "I do. I…I'm in love with you."

I could go on and on about how I was touched, but I am sure you're tired of it now. My apologies.

"If we were caught, it would still be terrible for both of us. What of then?" I reminded him.

I was testing him. No, perhaps hoping he would find an answer for this problem as well. I wanted all the holes to be patched up, no way of us falling through. I wanted to be sure.

I wanted him to help me realize it would all be okay.

Guy thought for awhile. I waited patiently for his answer, until he looked at me, eyes serious, self determined.

"I'd do anything to make sure none of the blame falls on you. Only me, if it comes to that."

I widened my eyes, surprised. He…he was willing to sacrifice himself for me? He…

He had caught me, heart and all in that moment. Chivalry wasn't dead.

He was with me.

"Right now." I muttered, gulping, struggling. My legs felt weak, and the thunder clapped louder, the rain pounding. Climax of the storm. "Do you want to…r-right now?"

The wind howled, the rain rushed to meet the ground, like a lonely lover to their one and only, the thunder roaring, the lightning brilliant in an entirely dangerous but beautiful way. The storm was reaching its crescendo, the band going all out, putting on their best performance, the world seemingly overtaken by its vigor, all gone; hiding from this over-eager music it produced.

Except for him.

Except for I.

Us.

Guy stood up, walking to, then kneeling in front of me. His hands were on my lap, and outside that storm screamed and erupted. I felt it in my blood, my bones, my soul.

This intense feeling.

"I do." He told me, sincerely, Guy's eyes searching my own. He kissed my hand, like a prince for a princess, something out of a fairy tale.

"Natalia." He whispered my name like it was a prayer, an unspoken, sacred word. "What really matters is…do you want me to be your first time? Do…you want to?"

It was like I had been waiting for this, this whole day climbing to this one moment, this one decision. A yes or no question, the spotlight blinding me, the audience's eyes on me.

Guy's clear, blue eyes on me. He was waiting. And as perfect a lover he was, I knew he would wait as long as it took for me.

At first, he didn't hear me. The thunder was too loud, a clap in our ears. He blinked, having only seen my mouth move.

"What? What did you say?"

I gulped, tears stinging.

I loved him. I loved him, I loved him, I loved him.

I was madly in love with Guy, at that time in my life, in my youth.

"Yes." I nodded. "Yes!"

I hugged him, breathing in the smell of inn shampoo, his scent that never wore off.

The smell of the world, the outside, of metal, and man.

I wore that same scent in the morning.

* * *

I didn't cry at all as we made love. Not once.

That night… it was like the whole world disappeared. All I was hearing was the rain outside, a soft shush, the band playing more slowly, the thunder still rumbling loudly. It was silence between us, neither of us uttering a word to each other, all already discussed and said and all was left was to show our love, our need, our passion.

It was like I was underwater as it all happened. The room dark, both of us deciding to turn out the lights before anything, the only light given off from the window tattered, with the water flowing down its sides. Blue and quiet and peaceful. Like Guy had successfully taken me down, drowned me fully, all with my consent. Right then, it was hard to explain. _He _made the world disappear, made everything else go away. It was like magic; he made it disappear and all there was, was us. Together.

That night he took it all away, and gave me all of him. All of his care and love. All in one night.

I felt weak through the whole thing. Fragile.

There was a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach as he kissed me, as we lay in bed, both completely vulnerable. My knees felt weak, right down to my calves, as I spread my legs. I felt fear and excitement in my body, every muscle tense, every nerve alert. I closed my eyes, hearing the thunder grow louder, no longer a soft rumble in the distance, but a sharp clap shaking the room. It was as if nature itself was portraying my eagerness and worry. For a while, I was scared lightning would strike the inn.

It was when Guy pressed his body against mine, skin warm and husky, that I left my uncertainties behind.

I wanted to be with this man. So I ran my fingers through his hair, kissed his ear, and let us get as close as lovers could get.

I didn't think a lot while it was happening. All that went through my mind was how much I loved him, was how it felt. No one's visage passed through my mind, to usher guilt from my heart. No words resounded through my mind to hinder my judgment. Nothing, nothing at all went through my mind except for how I felt. No one interrupted this sacred moment. Nothing ruined this night. All there was, was us.

A man and a woman in love.

I didn't even cry when I realized this. I didn't cry tears of guilt or happiness, or anything. Not even out of pain.

It resounded through me, this warmth and pain, making me curl my toes, letting a gasp escape from my lips. Still, I did not cry biting my lower lip, feeling the heat spread through my body, my bones shiver, my blood rush all at once. The rain poured and poured outside, yet inside, it sounded soft. Comforting and warm.

I gripped the sheets, but Guy grabbed for my hand and squeezed it, his palm hot against mine. For a second, I was afraid I would hurt the skin between his knuckles by digging my fingernails there as I was. But Guy made no inkling of whether it hurt, no complaint leaving his lips. Thunder rumbled outside, like a delicate whisper far off, somewhere else, finally backing down, just a bit. A part of me wanted to look outside, but I only looked at him, his face only fully visible when the lightning struck.

I still did not cry.

I closed my eyes, as my body warmed, the world just quiet, and then he was holding me, chest against chest. Still I did not cry, holding it in, letting my body feel the pleasure, our breathing shallow and one. The scent of sweat and soap floated in the air.

We were tangled up in each other.

Then, it was over. Afterwards, he snuggled into my chest, my hands holding him there, holding his head, and thoughtlessly stroking his hair. He mumbled my name then, his feelings for me, and then it was too much.

I think it was then, it all hit me. What we had done, all a blur already, yet so strikingly distinct. The weight of his words were so astounding, so deep to me at that moment, even if previously he had said the same things so easily and casually. It seemed our actions had made them just more profound and beautiful, it was like I was learning the meaning of them all over again. Love and what it was, and how it felt, and how it was the most sought after thing; how sacred it was, and how dangerous it could be. So universal and the one thing most people had in common. How it was the best gift to give to another, how it's just one important landmark in one's life.

To give your heart to another, in hope they would take good care of it, that they would appreciate it.

I began to cry.

He kissed away the tears, those lips gentle on my cheek. The emotions had hit me all at once, the weight of our actions, the feelings we showed each other…it took its toll as I sobbed quietly into his chest, Guy not saying a thing, kissing me gently as if I was sacred, as if I was special and pure. Like I was something tremendously beautiful, something in the same vein as love's splendor.

Only one feeling filled me up. And for once, it wasn't what I usually felt with Guy. No shame, or guilt, or sadness, or anger at society…

Only love. Pure, sweet, untainted love.

* * *

I'm sorry. So sorry. It seems I'm crying again. I…

…It seems it won't stop. It…the tears just won't stop. They keep coming and flowing and…

I'll try my best to not get any tearstains on the paper. My apologies, really. I just…Oh, goodness. Oh God.

This is just too much. Even now, his love at that moment had been so impacting, it took its toll on me. Except this time, I do not cry because of happiness. Only because of sorrow.

Please, allow me a moment.

…No, it seems a moment won't even suffice. I…I'll just have to continue. My apologies, once more. I shall be careful to not let it get to me. I'm almost toward the end anyway. The worst has been taken care of.

I shall continue.

When I woke up in the middle of the night (at an undetermined time; I can't properly recall) I had felt lost for a moment. I was puzzled as to why I was not in my chambers, but instead in a much smaller room. The rain had stopped as I had slept, only droplets abandoned on the windows, the sand of the coliseum dark, the sky clear with stars, and the full moon bright and big. It seemed so oddly quiet now, so still. As if, once again, I was the one person left in the world, the only one to inhabit the world at night, left all alone.

This illusion was soon broken though, as Guy tossed in his sleep, moving the bed, making me jump.

I was shocked at first, of course. My mind was jumbled, but soon everything came back to me. Explaining why I was not in my own bed, my own home, why Guy was sleeping next to me, why I was lacking clothes, him the same.

I was no longer a girl, but instead a woman.

At first, I felt…strangely calm. Not filled with shame, or disgrace, nor surprise, just…normal. More so glad to have my fears calmed, rather than shocked.

The moonlight bathed the room gently, a soft, light blue painting everything it touched. I remained quiet, searching the shadows on the bed sheet; our shapes making it rise in places. Curves in places, embraced by shadows. A light blue and mix of dark, dark gray. I followed the shapes to us, myself sitting up in bed, the air chilly on my skin. I looked to my love, his sleeping self. I had never seen Guy sleep, and it was a bit surreal, but…it made me feel special. Like I had gotten so close to him, he had allowed to himself to lower his guard around me, and just sleep, with me at his side. To observe his closed eyes, and rhythmic breathing, his somewhat tanned skin, his blonde hair, ruffled and light.

I was his, and he was mine.

I felt a strange want to comfort him, and protect him, a selfish want to keep him all to myself. To always be allowed to see this. To have a peaceful, sacred moment like this around him any chance I wanted.

It is truly hard to explain what I felt then. But it was a powerful feeling. Very much so.

I cautiously stroked his hair, brushing some strands away, himself on his side and turned toward me. It felt soft, and I smiled out of instinct.

No. I knew what I felt then. And it might sound so terribly stupid and sappy and I'm sure you will lose a considerable amount of respect for me, but…

I felt complete. Like I was full to the brim and whole and…and complete. That all was right in the world, and in me and…

My god, I'm crying again. More than before. I…

…It hurts. It hurts so much to remember. Look, I can't remember what compelled me to, or why I did (more so I don't want to remember, to bring back these feelings) but I began to speak my feelings.

I beg of you, please leave it at that. I will surely cease my actions and destroy this all if I even push myself too far. I…

It hurts. It honestly does.

…In any case, I spoke.

"…What have we done?" I whispered, the only sound in the room. I did not sound humiliated. Only a sort of confused, musing, asking a rhetorical question. I have no idea who I had intended my audience to be. More so, I don't want to recall.

Perhaps it was me, perhaps it was him, and maybe, just maybe, it was to 'Luke', the 'Luke' I missed.

I don't know. I really don't care to know.

…As I was saying. (I apologize for being difficult. This is very hard for me, is all. Really, honestly too much.)

"Something beautiful, I suppose?" I mused, looking out the window, my hand leaving him, my eyes counting the stars. "I…I honestly have no regrets, you know. None." I spoke this while shaking my head.

No regrets? I was so young back then. So stupid and young.

"Funny." I shrugged, "I would think I would. I…this is wrong right? But I don't feel like I did anything wrong. I just…I feel…" I began to say something then stopped. How _did _I feel? How…

I sighed. "I feel…I don't know how I feel. I…feel complete. Happy, but only a bit. I don't feel sad. No anger. I…"

I closed my eyes, hugging myself.

"I suppose I feel loved."

That was all that came to my mind. And it fit so beautifully, I stuck to it.

I smiled then, opening my eyes, still turned to the windows and the quiet night sky with its stars and moon. It was so tranquil. So serene. All was right in the world.

"I always want it to be like this." I whispered. "Peaceful and quiet moments like this."

I looked down and blushed. "With you by my side." I admitted, blushing to myself, shy and bashful. I laughed a bit, then shook my head, smiling and flushed.

"I suppose, what I'm trying to say is…perhaps I wish to marry you?"

I have no idea where this came from. I have no idea why I said it. Perhaps it was a subconscious action. Maybe it is because I had been thinking of it lately. Ever since Guy had informally proposed to me on his birthday (even if he was acting irrational at the moment) I had thought over it. Myself as his bride…

I felt my face heat more, and covered my face in my hands, embarrassed. Oh, what was I saying? Was I this madly in love? I should have more control over my feelings…

…Funny. I didn't even feel like chastising myself. I…I found no particular annoyance with myself. I just let it drop and shrugged. So, I'm in love? Well, so is half the world. Why can't I act so anyway? It troubles me not. I…I feel too at peace with myself to feel anything else.

"Is that how you feel?" A voice crept up, catching me off guard. I jumped, turning to Guy, finding him looking at me, sleepy-eyed, but awake.

"You…you're awake?" I whispered. He smiled a lazy smile, giving me no vocal answer. It was fine though; I had already received it.

I slipped down to the bed, back beside him. I left the sheets as they were, stopping at my waist. I didn't feel embarrassed around Guy; in fact, I'm comfortable with my body. I'm so used to the maids helping me in the bath, and helping me dress, I find myself at ease with showing skin. Even as Guy as my lover, I found nothing wrong with him seeing me.

Why had I turned out the lights before?

Well…

If it's any explanation, I've never seen a nude man.

And that's all I'm saying on the matter.

In any case, Guy watched me, quiet just as the night.

"How do you feel?" I whispered. He smiled again, a gentle action.

"Good."

"I see."

There was silence between us, not large and awkward though, but nice. Comforting. I turned on my side, facing him, his eyes half-lidded, still trying to wake up. He placed a hand on my cheek and I held it there, closing my eyes and smiling. It was warm and big, his skin soft.

"…I don't have any regrets either, you know." He told me.

I vaguely wonder now if that still holds true. I doubt it.

"You don't?" I responded.

"Yup."

"Not at all?"

"Not one bit."

I kissed his palm. I was happy to hear it. He began to stroke my cheek with the back of his hand, fingers then running through my hair. I kept my eyes closed, not the least bit sleepy.

"You want to marry me?" He asked. I didn't feel embarrassed as he asked this, too calm and at peace to. I did open my eyes, though. His face showed nothing except his patience, his waiting for my answer. I nodded.

"I do."

Perhaps it was because we had just taken a big step in our relationship. Maybe that was why I didn't feel mortified at admitting to what had been secret dreams I once had; desires I kept to myself. In any case, Guy only blinked at my response, his hand now resting on the nape of my neck, his finger tracing small circles there.

There was no way we could get married. I was already betrothed to another, and even if I broke it off, he wouldn't have a chance. Surely other nobles would have their sons court me, finding an opportunity at last to have the throne, and me. Guy was a servant; he had no title to speak of. Father would never approve of him, society in general. The closest we can get under the circumstances is being in this affair with each other. We can't hope for more. We've met the brick wall and there's no way to climb over it. We can wish, but sometimes, wishes never come true.

I'm sure Guy knew of all this too. He's thought of it, too, I'm assured. How _couldn't_ we?

But even knowing this, still he looked me in the eye, and with no hesitation, he asked.

"Natalia, will you marry me?"

It took me awhile to realize what he was asking, to realize that, yes, he _did_ just propose to me. There was a sharp feeling of shock in my heart, and I was speechless.

Guy had just proposed to me.

He…he proposed to me.

To _me._

"Huh?"

And _this_ was my elegant answer to it. The peaceful air was broken, surprised and clumsy words taking its place. I…I wasn't sure how to respond. He…He just _proposed _to me! I…

I was sure I was dreaming, because in many dreams he has proposed to me.

Guy laughed at this, at my reaction, and I felt so stupid. He brought me to his chest though, snuggling his face into my hair.

"You're so cute, sweetie."

"It's Natalia." I corrected him without thinking. He chuckled at this too. "Me?" I asked, mortified and shocked. I felt him smile on the top of my head.

"You." He clarified. I gulped.

Then I cried.

I cried on his chest, his warm chest. He…he proposed to _me._ I…

Of course I'd been happy back then. Of course no longer am I now.

Guy pulled me back a bit, his eyes worried, worried he had done something wrong.

"Sweetie, what's wrong?"

"It's Natalia." I corrected through tears, choking up. I shook my head, searching his face for any amusement, any sort of lies he had conjured up.

But there was none. Of course there was none.

"You wish to marry me?" I asked. He smiled shyly.

And he affirmed that yes, yes he wished to marry me. And he said some other things, charming things, confessing his love, on why he would find me a perfect and lovely wife. Writing me a love sonnet off the top of his head, and it swept me off my feet, making me cry and laugh and love him and…

I can't rewrite it here. I'm afraid I will falter then.

So, I won't. Please, take my word for it.

Then we kissed, and I admitted my love for him, and accepted his proposal, confessed I'd love to be his, and it was all terribly, terribly sappy and then it all came to an end, when Guy just had to say it.

"It's sad though." He smiled a smile expressing the same as his words, "We…we really can't get married can we?"

It was one of the rare moments I saw him also curse how we couldn't be. How he hated it all as well. I bit my lower lip, and wrapped my arms around him, running a hand down his back, the shoulder blades and spine discovered with my palm.

"…The thought is nice." I assured him.

He didn't say anything.

Briefly, I thought of it from Guy's point of view. Luke was his best friend, and I was his fiancé. Did he think he was betraying Luke, perhaps? Also, there is the matter of his past. Does it also affect our relationship, the reason he keeps it unknowledgeable to me? What has he faced, I wondered? What happened back then? Why must he hide it?

Was it something terrible? Was the man I held in my arms a criminal? An enemy?

Or was he a victim?

So many theories flooded my head, but I drained them all out. I didn't want to make him suspicious in my eyes, so I ignored the faults.

I only held him close to me, and listened to his heartbeat. Ignorance was bliss, and I wished at the moment to be his stupid bride.

An awkward silence fell among us after his lamentation. No noises lived outside, the very dead of night, or maybe its quiet life. I could hear his breathing, could feel the warmth of his arms around me, his body so close to me. I tried to think of something to say, but all silly feelings were said.

"It's so quiet now." He muttered, saving me from saying something. I closed my eyes.

"It is."

"Now I can't sleep." He laughed.

"Well, we can't stay awake until the morning. What time is it?"

He took a while to answer, looking behind him to the clock near the door, then "Two 'o' clock."

"We should go to sleep."

"I know. It'd be bad if they found us like this."

"…Maybe we should leave now?"

"Too late. It'd look suspicious."

"I see."

More silence fell on us as we both considered the situation.

"…We could do something to pass the time." He suggested.

"Like what?"

"I could sing to you." He laughed. I giggled and shook my head.

"We've seen how that goes!"

"Did I really sing?" He asked, incredulous. I smiled, and with an impression of Sophie, said:

"You did. Loudly, too."

Guy smiled a bashful smile. Then he sat up, tilting his head in a coy manner.

"I bet I could sing to you much better now." He spoke confidently, though it was obvious he was only joking. I went with his routine and shook my head, grinning.

"Don't. Don't you dare."

"I will. You'll fall in love with me all over again." He grinned, "You'll be enchanted with my lovely voice, and fall in love with me all over again."

"Don't." I laughed. But he didn't listen, putting his hands over his heart dramatically, his face taking on the playful guise of a pained lover. This alone, made me laugh, even as he sang to me.

"_My love, I love you~!"_

"Guy, stop!" I laughed. He wasn't screaming it out as he had in the garden, but singing rather mildly, purposely sounding silly.

"_You are my world~! And the stars and my everything~!" _He held back his own laughing, and it was all in good fun. Perhaps it was more enjoyable than so long ago, because he was doing it on purpose, smiling with me, making me laugh.

He flopped onto me, his back on my stomach, the back of his hand on his forehead, still looking dramatic, comically so.

"_I want to give you the world, and the stars, and the sunshine, the sunset too~!"_

"Guy, you're a fool!" I grinned. He looked to me.

"Then you're in love with a fool." Then just as soon, he continued. "_Because love, you are my love~!"_

Then I seized the opportunity, and tickled him, Guy caught off-guard, and laughed and laughed under my fingers. I hugged him to my chest, and we fell as a pile of breathless, careless, stupid, silly mass back onto the sheets.

"Maybe I should sing you a lullaby instead?" I asked. Guy looked up to me.

"I'd like that."

It was decided.

So, I sat up, Guy's head on my lap, the sheets under his head, around my hips. I toyed with his hair a bit, eager at the prospect at singing to him. Like a giddy child trying something new. A traveler embarking on new lands. I wasn't insecure about my voice in the least, only ready to let it be heard by the one who mattered the most right now.

"What sort of song though?" I asked.

"A lullaby, right?" He murmured, closing his eyes, hands resting on his stomach.

"I know. But do you want to request something?"

"It's up to you, really."

I searched my memory for a lullaby. For times when I was younger than now, small, and tucked in. I tried to remember my nanny singing to me, her voice soft and aged. I tried to remember the words, the same that would help my love fall asleep. I wondered for a moment how she would feel about this; about me using her songs, the ones she taught me, to lull a forbidden lover to his dreams.

I tried not to think about it.

I could remember none clearly, though. All the words were pieces, and none the complete puzzle. I frowned at this; I could not sing him an incomplete lullaby. It wasn't acceptable. I searched my memory for any other lullabies, ones I could conclude.

I thought of Sophie.

She sang as she cleaned.

She sang a lullaby, one I asked about, and was taught.

One I was taught only three weeks ago.

"I know one." I spoke aloud. Guy opened his eyes and looked at me. He nodded, as if asking me to sing it then, to let him hear it.

So I began. It was a lullaby I hadn't heard previously. A lullaby that flowed and lifted and was smooth and gentle. It sang of the night and dreams, and holding one's child in their dreams. I tried my best to sing, until he placed a hand on cheek. I looked down to him, his eyes wide, and for some reason…he looked scared. Or happy. Perhaps both.

"What?" I asked, stopping in my song. "What's wrong?"

Guy gulped (was he holding back tears?) and he looked…so fragile. Once again I saw Guy be delicate and easy to break, and it scared me.

"That…that's a Malkuthian lullaby." He whispered. I widened my eyes, a hand flying to my mouth.

"It…it is?!"

"…It's a Hod lullaby." He whispered, most likely to himself, but still, I caught the words.

"Hod?" I asked, cautiously. Guy smiled a fake smile, and shrugged his shoulders.

"…I knew a friend who survived Hod."

I knew it was a lie. He probably knew I knew too. The way he said it, I wondered if he was testing me, daring me to confront him about it. Or maybe trusting me enough knowing that I wouldn't. We both remained quiet on the subject.

This made me wonder about Sophie, about where she came from. Was she a Malkuth spy, disguised as a Kimlascan maid, to work in the castle, free to see any secrets? If so, then she was one who knew about our relationship and…Oh God. Worry hit me at once, striking me without warning. She was cast in a different light then.

…But then again, maybe not? Perhaps she has chosen to be a Kimlascan resident, and abandoned her homeland for mine. Or it could be a lullaby handed down, generation to generation to our own.

There were so many questions.

(I _did_ ask about it later. She…she has a complicated background. But know now, that she was not a spy.)

And there was still another one, now.

How did Guy know it was Malkuthian?

I pushed all these questions to the side, and gulped, trying to make myself appear sorry and not suspicious nor wary of him at all.

"…Do you wish for me to sing a different song?" I asked carefully. I looked for any sign on his face for anything, but he remained looking fragile and shook his head.

"No; it's fine. Please…go on."

I hesitated at first, but because it was my love's bidding, I continued.

I sung what seemed to be the only lullaby tonight. Everything so quiet except for my own voice. It seemed wrong, for me to sing an enemy's song, but I tried to ignore it. I tried to preserve this perfect moment, this perfect night in my mind, for me to revisit it at other times. I wanted this night to end beautifully, before the sun rose, before I would have to go back to my actual life.

I wanted to be blindfolded. Let me see in a dream. Let me live the dream. I want to believe that Guy's proposal could be legitimate. Let me believe we will be married one day. I want to think I am his fiancé now. I want to think I am a woman free to love those who I choose.

Don't whisper Luke's name. Whisper not my land's name. Let me only sing him a song.

Blind me. Tell me, lie to me, that it is possible. Let me not be consumed with hate at the truth. Let me not know his past, if that makes it easier.

Let me be blind. If I see too much, I will be blind, and left alone with the truth. I don't want to know the truth. Don't let me know of a promise shared so long ago, nor of a red-haired boy I loved. Let me be ignorant at the thought of my father, who would disapprove of me. Let me not know my would-be-husband's status, nor my own. Let me know not the joy of being able to be the daughter of the king, of being able to rule over a magnificent land. Please, I beg of you, blind me.

Place your hands over my eyes. Fool me, and whisper that I am his. That I am a woman free to love, one who is content with life and floating on cloud nine, nothing to remind me bitterly the truth. Tell me I am his bride, and that he is an acceptable, suitable husband, and that we can live the rest of our lives in peace and happiness. Only tonight, please. Let me believe all of this so that tonight will be a sacred memory, treasured and untainted.

Blind me. Fool me. Lie to me. Make me a happy girl. I beg of you. For if I am to continue like this, surely, I…

…I will leave him.

Before I knew it, Guy had fallen asleep, just as I had finished the song. All was quiet, and I felt my heart ache. I ignored it, still trying to make this night a good memory, a chance that we just were in love, and nothing else. I could feel Guy's rhythmic breathing against my thighs, and sighed. I suppose it was my turn to fall asleep as well. Just as I was about to gently move his head from my lap, I looked down to him, and gasped at the sight that had happened as I sung, as I was lost in thought, in our misery.

Guy was crying. He had cried himself to sleep, at the melody of a Malkuthian lullaby.

* * *

I can't remember when I had fallen asleep. I know had quietly though, turned away from Guy, trying not to see the dried tear-streaks on his cheeks.

I do remember waking up as well. The sun barely over the horizon, the sky pink and the clouds orange. A burst of warm colors painting the sky and all it touched. I blinked sleepily, letting myself remember last night. Funny; after all that happened last night, all those strange and sad things, I didn't feel sad in the least. Maybe I was still trying to forget it, or just trying to ignore it for now. For all I knew, it might've been because I just woke up. In any case, I got up slowly, my first instinct to get dressed.

I caught my image in the mirror, the vanity that inhabited the inn room. I was caught by this for some reason. Perhaps it was because I was in a different setting or maybe it was because I wanted to see, in the light, if anything had changed.

I take pride in who I am, and I take pride in my appearance. Slender shoulders and slender hips, and arms muscled enough to be able to pull a bow. Flat stomach and light skin and skinny sides. I know my body. I know its limits and I know myself.

There are marks on my neck and I know why they're there. I touch one tenderly, feeling a bit of pain.

I know what I am. I'm a princess before anything else. I am one's fiancé (and whether I interpret myself as Guy's or Luke's now, I am not sure yet). Then a daughter, and a niece. I am a friend to some, and a leader. I am a girl in the eyes of most. These things I know.

But what I can guess is that, to Guy, I am not just a princess, nor a daughter, and I am no longer simply a friend. I wasn't even a girl. To him, now, I was a woman. He _made _me a woman.

I knew also, while gazing into that mirror, I could never forget him now.

We had a bond now. Guy was so much more at this moment, for this moment and on. He, also, is something to other people. A friend, the servant of my fiancé, a son to parents I have heard none of, (what I would learn later, also a brother to one). To me he had been the boy who had seen me cry, then subsequently stopped those tears he witnessed. He had been someone who fascinated me, then who had taken my heart, made me confused. Who I had taken a chance for, had to keep a secret from all those close and dear to me.

And now, he was someone I had given the one thing I could not get back, while he had given this same thing to me.

Guy was not some person who was a small ripple in the lake that was my past, but had caused such a wave with influence, had been such a large part of it now. Even if this _did_ end, even if I _did_ marry Luke, I could never forget Guy now. He was now too important to forget. Years from now, if the subject ever rose, if even a hint given, I would remember him.

Always, forever, having left his everlasting fingerprints on me, on my heart.

Whenever one person gets close to another, it can only end in happiness or sadness, no other way. Yet those people will always leave some sort of mark on you, faint or clearly there. Some can be forgotten, can be wiped away, just inviting more scars to be made. Yet some are permanent, that person's influence always over you, for better or for worse.

Guy was that now. Besides Luke's handprints, the mark his promise had made on me, was Guy's. There to endure the ages, himself now an unforgettable man.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

I was surprised to find myself smiling as my eyes focused back onto my face, on myself in the mirror. I had done it without thinking, an unconscious action. I didn't think too deeply into it, and went to finish getting dressed.

I had barely gotten my camisole on, before I felt him snake his arms around my waist, catching me off guard.

"G-Guy?!"

And it was him, smiling, and looking up at me from where he sat up.

"Morning." He whispered.

Of course I spotted the tear-streaks, faded, but there if you looked for them. I ignored them, obviously.

"Good morning." I whispered back, bending down and kissing him. He just looked at me, after we parted.

"How do you feel?"

"Fine." I smiled, "Wonderful."

He didn't say anything at this, instead closing his eyes, burying his face into my back. I stared ahead, slipping the rest of my camisole over my hips, trying not to bump his arms. He was warm on me, the morning still chilly. I looked around the room, our clothes still hanging on the chairs, the bathrobes carelessly thrown on the floor. The still perfectly made sheets of the bed next to ours, and the sunlight spilling into the room, perfectly and prettily. I looked into the mirror, at us, together. His slightly ruffled blond hair and his strong arms, and his lightly tanned skin, and me, his thin love.

If things were different, we could be newly weds.

There were birds chirping outside.

All the words were said, the proposals made.

Our clothes looked stiff from yesterday's downpour.

I've already lamented the situation, and he has already made me confused because of his actions.

We were breathing cool, clean Remday air.

I have agreed to be his bride, and he has told me he wishes to be my husband.

I'm sure somewhere else, only a five minute trip away, Luke was still sleeping in his messy bed. Dreaming of something silly, or scary, if he still was young enough. Having no sort of inkling of what has occurred. Father most likely lies in his bed, knowing I haven't returned home, but knowing I will when he wakes up. He also, could have no clue what happened. The world goes on outside, had gone on while Guy and I had taken a large step. I feel no different, and the world is no different, but…still, for some reason, it feels like such a tremendous thing anyway.

Maybe I only wax poetry. Who knows?

Maybe he knows what I'm trying to say, but for now, he is letting go and slipping away, and looking up at me as I turn to look at him.

He's smiling that sweet smile, the one I so love.

"I dreamt of you last night." He tells me. I tilt my head to the side in what I hope looks in a coy manner.

"Is that so?"

"Yeah. You were holding my hand and we were going to get married."

"Anything else?"

Guy put a thumb to his chin. That classic thinking pose. "Mmm…can't remember the rest, actually."

I shook my head, and smiled. "So forgetful." I chided playfully. Guy pulled me down gently, having me sit on the side of the bed, his arms around my shoulder. I could feel his cheek on my shoulder. Gentle touches here and there, subtle and quick, and gone, but nice. I placed a hand on his arm, and outside the birds still chirped, slowly waking up with us.

"We should be going soon." I told him. He shook his head, slightly.

"It's only six twelve."

"When do you think we should leave?" I asked him. Guy pushed me down then, putting a hand on either side of my head, catching me off guard, looking down at me.

"Don't worry about that." He smiled, kissing me on the forehead, "Wait a while okay? Don't rush."

Again, so effortlessly charming me and trying to have me all to himself. So, instead trying to fight back as I usually would, I instead just gave in, deciding maybe he was right. Outside, nothing was different, nothing was urgent and in danger, or dangerous. We were safe. All was fine. The world was just waking up, yawning and sleepy eyed. Take it slow. Take it easy.

No rush. Just shake the sleep off, and relax. No need to worry now; nothing has started yet.

Just relax.

So I just held him to me, his chest against my own. His raised shoulder blades and smooth skin, and the middle of his back where his spine ran. I couldn't hear his heartbeat where I was, but I could smell his scent. All that mattered was this peaceful moment, and I could forget everything else.

"You're so warm." He whispered. "So warm and beautiful."

I blushed of course. The tone he used was just so…so close and deep.

"You're glowing, you know." He went on.

"What are you trying to say?" I asked, not sounding offended, only curious.

"I'm saying you look…I don't know; happy. Well-rested."

_Loved_, I wanted to say. I didn't. There was no real need to anyway. So as to make up for it, and to continue this conversation, I decided to be bold and cute with him.

"I wonder why…" I mused, smiling, wondering if he would get the hint. He got up a bit, his face just inches before mine, sharing my expression.

"Maybe it's thanks to the charm of a handsome man you love?" He teased. I giggled, the sunlight growing brighter in the room, his face shadowed.

"Perhaps. Or perhaps not."

"Ah, what a cruel lover. So hard to please."

"I suppose you'll have to try harder for my favor?"

"You're treating me like a member of the court now. Besides…haven't I already gotten your hand in marriage?"

"Just because it is so, doesn't mean you've won my heart."

"Oh, but your face says otherwise." He grinned, "You love me."

We were flirting. And I loved flirting with him, trying to get him to fall for me, trying to sound more attractive then him. Trying to have the upper-hand in the relationship, a game to see if I could make him blush or stutter or act so embarrassed. It was cute and…and it was a challenge. He was a natural charmer and I wished to match that ability and also make him head-over-heels for me.

Perhaps none of it makes sense to you. But it did to us.

"You speak nonsense." I shook my head, looking away. I was giving in too easily. I needed to be stronger. I needed to make him mine. He kissed my forehead though, cooing his words.

"Oh, but it's true. You love me. You're _madly_ in love with me. Head-over-_heels_ in love with me."

"It is not as if," I responded, running fingers through his hair, those gold locks shining in the light, "you are not the same for me."

He raised his eyebrows at this, taken off guard. Got him.

Rarely did I see Guy blush, but I did at that moment. Cute and unguarded and only for me to see. My love, my fiancé, my could-be husband. I kissed him full on the lips, and felt his head tilt to the side, so as to make it more comfortable. It was a deep kiss, the type I hoped made him shudder, let him know I was breathing in every bit of him I could. Tasting him and taking in it all so as to savor all of what I could get.

Because I knew if I tried hard enough I could be a perfect lover for him too. What mattered the most though, was how he wasn't asking that of me, but taking me as I was, gratefully.

It's complicated. It's love.

We broke apart, Guy gazing at me with half-lidded satisfaction. The sun rising more and more, shining behind him, and at that moment he was just so breathtaking again, so beautiful.

And mine. All mine.

It wasn't until I leaned my head back, feeling his lips on my neck that I saw the clock. That I broke the magic.

"Guy, we have to go." I muttered, hoping he would hear me. He did.

"Right now?"

"It's six eighteen."

"Too early…let's stay awhile…"

"Come on, Guy. Get dressed. We have to go."

He was quiet for awhile, and for awhile I wondered if I would have to coax him more. But he got the message, and got up.

"Okay. You're right."

He didn't say this grudgingly, but with the tired voice of an adult knowing it had to be done, no matter what. So I laid there, as he had left me, hearing the shuffling of clothing as he got dressed. I couldn't see him.

I blinked once, and twice, knowing I would have to do the same. But I didn't get up yet, feeling lazy and relaxed. My whole body was warm, the after-effects of his touch on me. The silk of the camisole hung on my skin, and the chill of the morning was leaving slowly, ever slowly.

I didn't feel any different. Not at all.

Yet somehow, everything did. In a way.

It's complicated.

It was just love-making.

"Natalia?"

I sat up, supporting myself on my elbows, and looked at him. Guy was just slipping his shirt on, pants already pulled on, eyes solemn and calm. He blinked and nodded toward my clothes.

"You gonna get dressed?"

It was just love-making. Not everything would change. What was I expecting?

He just proposed to me. It wasn't like it could happen. Nothing was different.

Yet it feels like two very tremendous and important things had taken place last night.

For me. For him.

Between us.

I nodded, no vocal answer given, and got up, getting dressed.

I suppose it hasn't hit me yet. Or, it has, and I just haven't seen the effects yet. I would have to wait for the repercussions. Or the beneficial side effects, if they turned out to be so.

In whatever the case would be, I still slipped on my dress, my stockings already on, all next to him. Guy watched me, sort of disinterestedly, as he buttoned up his shirt.

I'm not sure what would happen in the future. What would happen because of our actions. But I knew they would happen, and that nothing could be done, but wait for them to happen.

I turned toward him, studying his face, wondering how he thought of it. Guy smiled, returning my gaze.

I would probably never know. So, instead of worrying, as was becoming my custom, I just gave him a flirty smile.

"Guy?"

"Hm?"

I could wait for all that later. For now the world was still waking up, still oblivious to what had happened last night.

I still had time. So I held out my hand to him, in front of the window, in front of the sun.

"Come over here and warm me up, love."

I still had a bit of time with him before I had to leave.

So I spent it wisely.

* * *

He held my hand, on the streets of Baticul, on the way home. It was like one of the many dreams I had of him.

I was tempted to pinch myself to see if I was awake. I didn't because it was clichéd anyway, and that the feel of his hand against mine was enough.

It was that crisp time of day, where the birds were chirping, and no one else seemed to be awake. (Which is why Guy deemed it safe to hold my hand; no one else was out.) There was glowing sunlight on the streets, the cold of the night still lingering. Birds all calling out to each other, flitting from here to there, the clouds pink and the sky a soft blue. The rain had seemed to wash everything away, all the anxiety and worry I should have, and instead just left me this. Early morning, a time where the air was moist, but not humid. A time when everything seemed so pure and clean and as if it all had a fresh start. I remember that most about this moment in my memory.

And all that resounded through the streets was our footsteps. The soft thuds of his boots and the light clack of my heels. The skin of his palm was against mine. (I had asked him to take off his gloves as I did the same. It was the only chance we would have, so I took it for granted. I still held my other glove in my free hand.) It was all so great, so peaceful, it felt like one of the most beautiful moments of my life.

Enough gushing though. I am sure you are sick of it. It's just that…It seemed perfect is all. Such a perfect moment. It's hard to describe, so once again, I'm sorry to say, but take my word for it. If that is at all possible.

"I hope you won't get in trouble." I found myself saying. Guy looked to me, eyebrows raised.

"What do you mean?"

"When you return home…will they not be suspicious of where you had been?" I clarified, "In fact, now that I think of it; how were you allowed the permission to leave early anyway?"

Guy shrugged. "I had a day off. And a little birdie told me what you've been up to…"

"Fighting in the coliseum?"

"Yup."

"Did Sophie…?"

"No," Guy shook his head, "Pere did."

This made me confused as to how he found that out. But I decided it didn't matter; the battles were a public entertainment; anyone could know.

Funny how this all started with my failings at the coliseum; it seemed so long ago, a distant recollection.

I nodded anyway, "I see."

We reached one of the elevators, Guy reaching out for the switch; I noticed we were going the long way. I smiled to myself, happy he too wanted to make this last.

From where I was, as we rose, I could see there _were_ people out. Only few though, going about their business. Owners to their shops, morning people taking a stroll…it made me feel like Guy and I weren't the only ones out anymore. Although I wasn't sad about this; a little cautious, but it was fine.

I didn't want to think about that now.

He still held my hand.

"…You know, I'll make sure no one finds out."

The hum of the engine working and the wandering of my mind almost blocked out his words.

"Pardon?"

Guy looked at me, eyes serious, mouth a thin line.

"About tonight."

Oh.

"…I know. I shall do my part as well."

Once again, working together to cover up a scandal. Partners in crime, partners in love. Together through thick and thin whether we like it or not.

Guy smiled then, warmly, kindly. "Even if it _is_ found out…I'll do anything so none of the blame falls on you."

He looked away from me, still holding my hand. He didn't falter with his next words. He said it with a firm resolve, a hint that he was not lying.

To this day, those words still seem so selfless to me. So incredibly kind of him. I…If there's anything I respect about Guy, it was his promise, these words, his possible sacrifice that was one of them.

"If we're ever found out, I'll…I'll say I forced myself on you."

I was surprised, of course.

"What?! Oh, Guy, if you were to do that-!"

"I know." He nodded, not wavering for one moment, "I know, Natalia."

The ground beneath us trembled a bit, the doors opening with a low rumble. Still, I stayed where I was, holding his hand.

I shook my head, looking at him sadly, "Why?" I asked, "Why would you…?"

He only smiled, walking on, tugging my hand. I followed wordlessly.

I kept my head down, watching his boots; one in back, then in front. I waited for him to speak first before pressing on.

He would surely be punished if that were the case. A servant taking advantage of the princess…there would be no mercy for him. The people would give them their hate, my father would never even dream of being lenient on him. Execution would surely be his punishment. All with me only being the victim, given sympathy only, while he received all the blame. I would never get even a third of his sentence, but even more, treated with kindness instead. And even after his death, he would only be viewed afterwards with hate and disgust, no one any the wiser that it had been consensual, never an attack. All with me safe and with none of the accusations.

So once again, knowing all this, as we boarded the last elevator straight for home, I asked him.

"Why?" I gulped, speaking softly, "Why would you do that for me?"

Guy looked at me, and squeezed my hand, eyes softening.

"Because I love you."

It was that simple. Now, please, tell me his love was foolish. Go on. Please do. Tell me it was all a whim and that love is dead and that it makes no sense. Please do. I mean it.

I dare you.

I felt so touched at that moment, though. Once again, that I was blessed to have him as mine and that I could be his. I felt like…

Well, once again, I felt loved. Which, redundant it is to say, I was.

That I was special and sacred to him, and that I was wanted. I…I felt like I had last night. Ignoring every muddy feeling I had then, I felt exactly as I did last night.

And it made me smile.

(I wished to discourage him from that thought, by the way. But I knew no matter what I said, he would hear none of it. It was just how it was.)

"You…" I looked down, avoiding his gaze, "You are…too much, Guy."

He laughed, catching me off guard. I looked to him, perplexed.

"Don't be so serious." He reassured, "I'm sure no one will find out. We'll just have to be careful. Come on, I don't want you to look so sad. Smile for me, Natalia. You're beautiful when you smile."

And just like that he changed the mood of the air so easily. I think we'd have gone through something like this before. I blushed, always caught off guard by those charming words, and sighed loudly.

"Honestly. You can say such things with a straight face. I'll never understand it." I berated him, gently though.

"It's the truth though. Everything I say about you is the truth. I really do think you're beautiful."

"Is that so?" I titled my head, tone flirty. He smiled, wrapping his free arm around my shoulders, other hand still pressed against mine.

"Mmhm. And because of that, I love you." He whispered, "So very much."

I blushed. The words seemed so much more intense because of how he had treated me last night. Somehow enhanced and better.

"In fact, I want to tell the whole world how much I love you." He confessed. These words also seemed like something I had heard before; but more truthful and clear.

And then Guy did the stupidest and sweetest thing. He let go of me, and leaned toward one of the ledges of the elevator as we went up, up, up. He was grinning and then, with his hand still wrapped around mine, shouted:

"I love Princess Natalia, and I don't care who knows!"

It was something so spontaneous and shocking, I pulled him back without even thinking.

"Guy, what are you-?!"

"It's true. I want _everyone_ to know how I feel." He was grinning like a child. "I want them all to know how I feel. How you're my bride."

I blushed. Honestly, this man…He _was_ too much.

"Natalia, you do it too!" He urged. I shook my head; it was much too improper and embarrassing.

"I shall not!"

"It's not like anyone will see. Or know you just by your voice. Come on; just once. For me?"

The sky rushed past us as the elevator rose, as we neared my home, and back to our statuses. How long had I waited for this? To profess my love without fear of being judged? The sun was in view, shining so much it almost blinded me. Our shadow cast on the floor, and up we were going, off to no return. I didn't have a lot of time. I had to make a decision.

Informally, I was his wife. Or, more so, I had admitted I would love to be. I am promised to another, but last night, I hadn't cared about that when I said yes to his question. I hadn't cared about my title as princess when I had given myself to him. Last night, we were just a man and a woman in love, doing what is acceptable for couples if they both gave their consent.

It was as if I was slowly waking up from the dream that was last night. Of being underwater and being with him. The sun that beamed at me now was a reminder of the morning, and as soon as this elevator stopped I would wake up. I had things I could do now before I woke up, some last things that were possible in this dream and this was it. All of what I dreamt of had already happened; holding hands in public and being proposed to.

This was it.

This was the one last thing I could take care of before it was too late.

I would never have another chance.

And the sun was shining behind my love, making him breathtaking all over again, as he smiled at me; giving me courage, that extra push, as I grabbed the railings of the elevator telling the truth to all those that mattered, who couldn't hear me.

"I love Guy Cecil!" I cried, "And I don't care who knows!"

It took a few minutes, but I woke up anyway. The doors opened, and the dream ended.

* * *

I'm done.

I'm done. I can write no more. No…No, I can. But at this moment there are so many tears in my eyes, I can't see properly. I'm almost done. Almost there. So close. This storm I have passed through is behind me, and I have come out a broken woman.

But I will live. I always do.

That's all I can write on this subject. There's no more to say. I am an impure woman, from my old foolish consent, and the one I miss knows none of this. If he were to know, I'm not sure how he would act at the knowledge. But I _do_ know I would _never_ want him to find out.

Maybe he'd be disgusted with me. Maybe he would hate Guy. Or just both of us. I don't know.

I haven't seen him for so long I haven't even a guess. I…

Oh God, how much am I going to cry tonight?! Honestly! This is just ridiculous now, I…!

…I should stop writing. I need to. But I can't…There's still more to tell. But the worst is out of the way, so why do I still cry? Why am I crying so much even if I have taken the storm on and survived?

Why am I crying? Is it because I feel guilty of my past actions? Because I am appalled by how I betrayed Asch? I ask myself this: How do I feel?

I feel sad.

Then, I realize it. CLICK! Right there, plain as day, as much as I didn't want to see it.

I am not crying because I am ashamed of it, because I was horrified by my actions. I am crying because…because…

Because I wish for it back.

His intoxicating touches, his delightful words, his warmth that just drowned me…I want it back.

Then it hit me, not even letting me recover from the last revelation.

I am falling back in love with Guy.

No, it never died. This love for him had always been there, dormant and waiting for a chance to bloom again. So, here it is now, growing, and growing. Gaining it's force, the strength it had, the same I had for him when I had said 'yes', back in that room in Baticul, in that inn, that storm.

I…Oh God. Oh good God. I…

…I still love him.

I love him. I love him. I love Guy Cecil. I love Gailardia Galan Gardios.

No matter how many times I write it, it never looks silly.

I love Guy. I love him. I've always loved him.

In fact, the more I write this fact, the more truthful it looks, it feels.

I don't love him. I don't love Guy. I never have.

…All of those lines look like lies.

I had left behind the previous storm, but was then thrust into a new one, another conflict. My recovered love for Guy, the Guy who I could not have.

And the more I realize I love him, the more powerful it feels. In fact, even now, I would be quite content if he would take me as his bride again.

How horribly ironic.

I don't want to love him. I don't. I love Asch. Yet, still, I love Guy. Why had I forgotten? We had so much back then, such a strong relationship. All these years since it has ended…Why had I given that up?

Because it was forbidden. Because it was wrong. Because I made a promise.

I am torn between my heart and reason. A part of me longs for him back, to have that love back, all those sweet, untainted feelings back. A part of me however tells me it is too late. That I have Asch. And it's true. Even though I have rediscovered feelings for Guy, by no means have I grown less fond of Asch.

Still, I want that feeling back though. The one that I had when I ran to him, to the port. When I laid underneath him, holding him close, that stormy night. That I didn't have to care anymore, that all I needed to know was how much I loved.

Yet, sadly, this is the present, not the careless past. If I were to ask for him back, I know he'd surely refuse, dismayed.

Because I'm sure even Guy would reject me, now, in the present. We are only friends. And tomorrow…there is no chance.

I'm selfish. I want too much. I…

I can't stop crying. I want to, but I can't. I…

I don't want to cry.

…I should end here. I'm sure even you are ashamed of me.

I need to take a break anyhow. I need to calm myself. I…

I'm going to stop here.

Oh. Wait. Before anything else, I…need to clarify one thing.

I was never with Asch in such a manner.

Only Guy. And this wasn't the only moment he and I made love.

Think on that for awhile and judge me as you will.

* * *

That's the end of this chapter! Thank you for reading.

Oog…yeah, judge me too. I know it's a touchy subject. And I made Natty whine a _lot_ near the end. It's sickening, isn't it? Yeah, I know. D:

Guy's too perfect. He needs some flaws. Seriously. Natty whines and gushes on and on about how wonderful and perfect Guy is. I know I made them annoying. So sorry. Flame me if you want. Dx

And…there's probably more problems with this chapter. But it's midnight and I'm finishing this up. So, um…you can tell me if you want. Actually, please do. I deserve it.

That ends my rant. In any case, thank you once more for reading! If you read through that stupid, insipid sludge, then thank you! I hold a lot of respect for you because of it. And for the few that liked it…um, thank you for deeming it readable. :D

Next chapter is back to Guy's POV. It's the start of their downfall, their breakup. Angst and anger on the horizon. How dramatic this is. D:

I'll try to avoid that. Bear with me if you can.

Mmkay. That's it. Ciao!

-Apple Fairy


	10. His memory: Trouble

Hello and good to see you, reader! Apple Fairy here!

The next chapter! Oh my, oh my it's here! I'm actually still writing this thing?! D:

Well…er, yes. I am. Sadly enough. I'm not sure how this chapter will be received. This is really just a prelude to the breakup, but please have mercy on it, nonetheless. I hope you find some nice things in this chapter, despite its blandness.

Geez, does Natty even get any character development in this chapter? D:

Ah, don't worry about it. Continue to read, if you wish to. Thank you for doing so too. Let it begin, yes?

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Tales of the Abyss.

* * *

_Unspeakable_

_Story by Apple Fairy

* * *

_

_I can't remember our first kiss that clearly_

_When we first held hands, is also a cloudy memory._

_What was it like, when I first said I loved you?_

_Funny._

_The only thing I can remember well, that every little detail was put to mind…_

…_was the time when you told me you loved another. It's the only thing I remember completely._

_The only thing I remember about you.

* * *

_

Maybe that's why he didn't like Mieu at first. Because he wasn't a bird at all, not by any stretch of the imagination. I bet if Luke had been presented with a talking _bird_ he wouldn't have called it Thing or picked on it or anything. He would've probably loved it to death and named it something stupid, but what he considered cool or great. It's easy to picture.

Poor Mieu. Never stood a chance.

I'm thinking of this because I'm just now remembering how much Luke loved birds. I'm looking through my house, in the dead of the night, looking for anything resembling a bird cage, and I'm remembering how my best bud loved birds.

Maybe it's because it's late. Maybe that's why I'm going this far for that bird. It's even stranger how I'm doing this before tomorrow. If I told her about it, right before the moment, will she laugh?

I know how she is. She will. She's cute like that. Good sense of humor.

I love her for it.

In any case, yeah, Luke loved birds. Especially when he was cooped up in the manor. He always looked up in the trees, looking for a nest, a source of the chirping, just to get a glimpse. And whenever I caught him red-handed, he'd blush, and try to look cool, like he was just trying to pass time, not actually interested. But after a while, he told me the truth. He always said they went anywhere they wanted, and that he was so envious of them. Unlike him, cooped up in the manor.

I could always count on the chance of finding him looking up at the sky, back then. I wonder if he wanted to fly. Well…maybe. I'll have to ask him when he comes back.

But enough of that. I have to hurry. I have no idea how long he'll stay there.

Birdcage. Do I own one? This big mansion all my own, but not containing the one thing I need. I'm not sure what I'd do if I didn't find one. Can't let him run amok in here. No time to buy a birdcage tomorrow. Maybe I should build one…?

Oh wait.

I do have one.

That's right! It'd been so long ago, I'd almost forgotten.

It's full of screwdrivers and hammers, but I own one.

I can remember it now, just as I'm walking toward my workshop. I was picking out furniture for my manor, and Jade had came with me. (Although, I hadn't really asked him to; he was self-invited as usual.) It was an unnerving experience anyway, because I was so used to cleaning expensive stuff like this, not actually given a chance to own it. Anyway, yeah, so as I was saying, I was walking through the store, examining side tables. Oak, birch, mahogany. All costly.

"As a noble," Jade was saying, "It's better to show your riches then be thought as cheap."

I'd barely heard him though, because I'd seen a display of birdcages on sale. All of them were ornate in some way; curving iron and shining metal. Some small and square, others rounded at the top and big. Silver and gold and white and black. They were pretty to look at. Impractical if you didn't have a bird, though.

A saleswoman tried to convince me otherwise.

She spotted me gazing, and was polite but pushy in her sales pitch. Saying how classy it would be to own a bird, and what better way to start then buy one of their birdcages? It was all the rage with nobles nowadays, and even the Emperor himself owned pets.

(Except I knew what pets they were. Classy? Not so much. Cute, maybe. Not classy.)

And then Jade joined in too, and before I knew it, I had one in my hand, bought and mine.

I never got a bird. In the end, before I could even remember to get one, I was sent to go look for Asch, and we learned that Van was back and out for Lorelei and it was adventure time all over again. And even after we all got back home, I just gave up on the idea. It became a place to put some of my tools, and I never saw it as a birdcage again.

Well, until now. How convenient.

I was cautious in removing the tools. At one point, a wrench had slipped out of my hand and almost hit me in the foot had I not jumped out of the way. I shrugged it off though, and placed the tools on a shelf, reminding myself to buy a _proper _toolbox when I got the chance.

It wasn't until I saw a broken music box on my desk (my latest challenge to fix and rebuild) that I began to remember her.

Well, damn. I was doing such a good job too.

I remember building her a music box. It'd been difficult; I had to learn how to read music for it, too. She had loved it. I know she still does, and still keeps it. Where, I don't know. I haven't been in Natalia's room for ages. Not that I'm really pining for a chance to be.

I sighed, and turned my head away.

I'm not going to stop thinking about this, am I? No, I don't think so. I guess I won't be able to stop thinking about it; she'll be there anyway. I mean, yeah it had been what, three years since we were together? But still it had…it was something good. Something nice. I was in love with her. Honest-to-God in love with her.

I don't think I can forget that easily. It's been three years, but we had spent two years together. Two really good, really nice years.

And she had Asch. I know. I'm not bitter. I'm not in love anymore. I'm not.

I've moved on. It was nice, but it ended. I mean…

I mean it led to that day anyway. The break-up. It would probably go down the same path again. It's just not destined. It's doomed from the start. We're good as friends, but it's fatal if we try to be more.

I can remember when it began to go downhill. Maybe if I remember this, then I'll stop thinking about it. I can still remember everything clearly. From point A to point B. That one day. The one day we weren't careful, and we were put under the test.

The day we were caught.

* * *

"…And because of the Fonic war, the Kingdoms of Hod and Kether are wiped out. The production of the weapons used during the war, causes a disturbance in the land, and miasma was born because of it, causing the Planet Storm to malfunction as well."

"Uh-huh."

"Yulia Jue then predicted this and warned the world's leaders. This has the leaders stop this production. Soon the Planet Storm is fixed with her help and the Fonic war ends. In BD 2712, however, the Kingdoms of Ispania and Frank mistrust her, turning one of her disciples against her and have her thrown into jail…

"Yeah. Uh-huh."

"…And he goes on to build the Order of Lorelei, and…And you're not listening at all, are you?"

"Uh-huh. Yup."

I tapped the book on his head, causing him to jump, his gaze turning back to me, away from the window. He was wide-eyed, confused. Woken up.

"Luke, pay attention."

"How can I?" He sighed, throwing his hands up. "This is all so boring and stupid. What's it got to do with me anyway?"

"It's history, Luke. You're supposed to learn it."

He let out another dramatic sigh, flopping onto the table, over the notebook he was supposed to be taking notes in. Its pages were blank.

Luke was being difficult again. Which was probably why the madam sent me to help him study. I couldn't refuse her request, and besides; I was his attendant. He was my responsibility and my friend. Who else would take the job?

I looked out the window, to the courtyard. We were in the library, but not alone, a few maids cleaning up and re-shelving books. It was lively in here, soft chatter in the air, and quiet laughs. Luke still looked dead though, laying there and looking positively bored. It was at times like these I wondered why I never had been more assertive when I had raised him; had taught him discipline, and manners and everything. It's said that to raise a child they need both love and control. Mothers are almost always the love. Fathers take the role of order. Looking back at this, I only gave love back then. I hadn't been mature enough to be a father.

(I guess with the journey, I grew into that? Tear seemed to help; she was both love and order.)

"But what's the point?" He was asking me, cutting into my thoughts, "It's not like I'll really need any of this."

"Luke, you're going to be king. It's important that you-"

"Don't talk like that." He said, pointedly, "It sounds too impersonal."

I smiled. I knew he hated when I acted like a servant, just another maid telling him 'Good morning, Master Luke'. It had all started when he told me to call him 'Luke', not 'Master'. I liked that with him.

"Alright. Do it for me, and I promise to get you something from the city."

And I guess with this love, I spoiled him still, treating him, too far in to care about the consequences. Damage was done and no way to fix it, but live with it.

Not that I really minded when he looked at me with bright, excited eyes, grin on face.

"Seriously? Like what? Like what?"

I put my thumb to my chin, looking upward, thinking, but only looking that part. "Mmm…I don't know. I hear there's a circus that's going to be in town, and I hear they sell a lot of really interesting souvenirs…"

"Really?!"

"…Although, if you don't finish your studying today, then I won't get any." I finished, looking him in the eye sternly, "Got it?"

Luke frowned, and crossed his arms. He sighed the type of sigh where it releases through the nostrils and makes them cross their arms just because it all fits together. After awhile of considering, Luke responded.

"Alright. But promise to help me."

"Okay."

It was a deal. I got the work done, through bribing, but at least it was done. Ends justify means, right? Child can be raised with only love and without rules, right?

Well, oh well. What's done is done.

I shooed these thoughts away, mild guilt, and tired perfectionism as I leaned over his shoulder and told him history all over again, urging him to take notes, telling him what dates to write and write about what was important about them. He never did, by the way.

"Hey, Guy," he interrupted, "What's a circus like?"

I held back the sigh in my throat, and only smiled. I hadn't even begun telling him the importance of BD 2693.

(Yulia Jue's birth, if you were curious.)

"Well, it's like…The main purpose of a circus is to entertain. It's a show, basically, of people's talents and tricks and…" I trailed off, frowning. It'd been long since I saw a circus, so it made it that harder to explain. I shrugged.

"You'd have to see it to understand."

"Will you take me to see one?"

"Huh?"

Luke was looking up at me then, face its same disillusionment, his tone nonchalant, and his head balanced on his hand, elbow on table. He blinked once and repeated himself, eyes gazing into mine.

"I said, will you take me to see one? When I get out of here?"

I smiled and put an arm around his shoulder, leaning against him from where I stood. Okay, so yeah, no order. No discipline. I let this guy do as he pleases, sadly enough. I'm careless, and because of that he's careless. He's nothing to be proud of. But he is plenty to love.

"Sure. I promise."

And from the corner of my eye, I could see him smile.

So it went like that for awhile as I tried my best to get him to study, to listen to me. Still, he requested what I get him, and asked more questions, and was just being restless and careless all in all. No matter what though, I never got angry with him. I'm too lenient. I'm too nice.

Basically we made no progress, but in the end I didn't really mind.

"Guy."

And then it came to an end as a maid called to me. I smiled at her and stood up asking, "Yes?"

"Ramdas wants to see you. He's got more chores for you."

"Alright." I nodded, turning back to look at Luke. He still held onto his bored look, merely watching things before him; not at all worried about me having to leave his side. I wondered if he would have the same expression had it been Van who would have to leave his side. Probably not.

Maybe it's because he knew I wasn't going anywhere soon. I decided it was a silly matter to think about.

"I'll see you later?"

"Yeah."

So I ruffled his hair and he grinned, and I left my master's side.

Who would've thought I'd be seeing him again, soon enough, at the worst possible time.

* * *

"Guy? Is that you?"

I nearly hit my head on the top of the fireplace hearing her voice. Light and proper and pretty and out of place.

"Natalia?"

She stood there, her hand on the knob of the door that would lead her out of the drawing room, head turned toward me, her eyebrows raised. She looked me over, as I was crouched over the fireplace, cleaning its insides. Soot on my face, and sleeves rolled up…I don't usually feel it, but all of a sudden I felt self-conscious of my appearance.

She looked away from me then, looking around the drawing room. No one was there with us. She approached me then, quick, arms held out for a hug, and kneeled down by my side. However, I leaned away, arms held up in a sort of surrender like pose, scrub brush held in one hand.

"Don't hug me."

"Why?"

"I'm covered in soot, silly. I don't want to ruin your pretty dress." I laughed.

She smiled and settled for a kiss, as we both leaned forward, taking in warmth and soft lips.

"You're so sweet." She whispered.

"Thanks."

And another kiss. I swear, I never got enough of that girl. I always wanted more. More kisses and hugs, more chances to bury my face into her neck, more chances to make love to her. More time to have her all to myself, more time to hold her hand. More words to hear from her and more moments to remember why I'm in love, why I want her, and why I'm so lucky to have her.

More, more, more.

Greedy, is what I am. And in love. All in all, it's the same.

"What are you doing here?" I ask, our noses so close, it was ticklish.

"I was having tea with Aunt Susanne."

"I see."

She kisses me on the forehead, and I imagined her leaving a little kiss mark on the middle of my soot-covered forehead. She pulled away though, her face still clean, and the thought was left behind.

"Get back to work, love." She whispered, making me smile. I loved her voice. Light, pretty voice that could sing me to sleep. _Has_ sung me to sleep.

"Yes, ma'am."

So I did as she asked of me as she settled herself at the dining table, legs crossed, knee over knee. She shook her wrist, her bracelets clinking against each other. A little habit of her's when she started to wear bangles. Another little bit of her that made her, well…her.

"I never heard." I spoke, the smell of bleach pungent in the fireplace. I scrubbed, trying my best to get out soot and creosote. "You know, that were you visiting."

"Are you sorry for it?" She asked me, shyly. I smiled, knowing she couldn't see it, but the action feeling good in and of itself anyway.

"A little."

She was probably smiling too, her bracelets clanking and clinking like bells. I wished I could've seen her, but here my face was face to face with a stone black-coated wall, instead. Such was the life of a servant. Not that I'm really sour about it; she, too, wasn't going anywhere either.

"You don't have anywhere to be?" I asked.

"No. Not at this moment."

I sat up, looking at my work, breathing in cleaner air. Looks clean. I threw the bush back into the basket of cleaning supplies, took out a rag, and dried it down. Almost done.

Natalia sits there, watching me. It's not awkward, but fine. It's like we've seen so much of each other, it's not like this is any different. Just another part of you, and I love you, so it's fine.

I think I'm rambling. I'll kindly shut up now. Fools in love tend to go on with describing love. So sorry. Hopefully none of your friends are madly in love and ramble to you all the time. All my condolences go to you if that's the case.

If you couldn't tell, I'm joking.

"She's like a mother."

"Who is?"

"Aunt Susanne."

"Well, she _is _Luke's mother."

"I meant like a mother to…to _me."_

"Oh. Really? Well, she does speak fondly of you."

Natalia was quiet for awhile. She spoke of her dead mother sometimes. She told me tidbits her father told her, and she'd try to piece it all together. Try to make this woman who would've been her mother, this lady she only saw in a portrait in her father's room. She'd make guesses and voice them to me, and seem just a tad bit sad. When I asked her if she missed her, she said yes. She had. The closest thing she had to a mother figure was her nanny, she would say. And, well, the madam, obviously.

I looked back to her for a moment, her bracelets midway on her forearm, done dancing on her wrist. Her elbow was still on the table, fingers in her palm, thumb held out, hand held backwards. She looks ahead, like she's thinking, which was probably the truth. Her eyes are half-lidded, her back is straight. I wonder if I should say something.

"She was nice to me as a child, too."

"Maybe it's because you're technically her daughter-in-law."

Natalia looks at me, serious. Taboo subject. Talking about the betrothal is a big no-no. I realize what I said, too late, and go back to wiping down the sides of the fireplace, just to avoid looking at her. Hurt in her eyes and a frown on her lips.

I know there's an end to this. I just don't like to think about it.

"I suppose so." She says, and it's silently agreed to move on from this subject. We never talk about it. We just don't want to. Ignoring it is easier and less painful then confronting it. So maybe the pain lasts a little longer, and to confront it would be like tearing off a bandage; quick and painful, but not as bad as you thought it would be. But the pain packs more of a punch than ignoring it does. So we just go on living like this.

It hasn't caused any problems yet. It might, but we ignore that too. We're fine, for now.

"Guy?"

"Hm?"

"How was your mother like?"

I freeze. My mother is buried underneath the sea. My father and sister and brethren and homeland are buried underneath the sea. Gone and murdered and eroded into sea dust. I sat up, done with the cleaning rag and throw that into the basket too. I take the bucket of water and bleach and dump what's left of it on the floor of the fireplace, watching it spread, staying where it should, made sure by the newspaper I had spread around the place. I watched the edges of the words dampen as it soaked what escaped. I thought of water swallowing up my family, making their bodies bloated and pale. Thought of all the rooms in my house, submerged, making the furniture float. I thought of another fireplace, of one I was placed in, and…

And I can't remember the rest. Obviously. I can remember Mary putting me in there, telling me to be quiet. There were screams, the stone of the fireplace was cold on my knees, and the soldiers were coming closer and closer, and then the door opened and…and the memory ends there. After that, all I remember is waking up on Pere's back, as he ran, as he carried me. It was night, but there was fire. This giant light, lighting up the night sky. I only realized it was my house, after we got to the port, after we boarded a boat and left our homeland forever.

I can remember crying out, begging for Pere to let me go back. Someone must be alive. Anyone. Someone _has_ to be alive.

I stop thinking about Hod. Life's easier that way.

"Guy?"

"Yes?"

"I asked you a question."

"I know."

She's quiet at this. I wonder if she can hear it in my voice. No. She can't. She's not _supposed_ to.

I stand up, stretching, my muscles achy and stiff. I'll let the water soak there, and mop it up later. For now, I must give it time, and decide to head to my room. I'm sweaty and dirty and in need of a bath, and I need to distract myself so I'll stop thinking. I need to think up a lie, or new subject so she won't get suspicious. This is another thing I decide to ignore; telling her my past. This is just something she's better off not knowing. Sure she loves me, and it'd be another part of me, so she'd love me nonetheless, but it's really wishful thinking. She's honestly not _meant _to know, because it's too much. She's not ready. When she's ready I'll tell her.

And I will never find her prepared enough to know.

I walk to my room, Natalia following without question, following me for my answers.

"My mother was a sweet lady." I tell her, watching my words so she can't take any hints or implication from it. "She was always very soft spoken."

True. My mother was a timid, sorrowful lady. From what I can remember, she was always soft eyed and quiet, observant. Hands clasped in front of her, and shy. The type of woman where she wore 'shy' very well, beautiful in her humble nature. As a child I was the same: shy and meek. Maybe that was where I got it.

"Was she kind?"

"Of course."

Somewhat lie. There were times she got angry. Mostly behind closed doors with my father or with a lady in waiting. My mother missed Kimlasca. She missed her family. But she was told she was a Malkuthian bride now, against her own wish, at the decreed of the king. Her homeland was Malkuth now. Her family was us now. I never met my mother's parents. I never met her sister's or brother's or their children and spouses. I wonder if she got used to it after awhile, got used to the idea, and decided fighting back was just futile. I wonder if she even truly loved my father. I'd have to ask Pere. Make sure he told the truth, since he was the only one alive with it.

I do know she never took it out on Mary and me, though. She always treated us with love. Never harsh or cruel to us. Just sweet and kind and patient. When she laughed, it was like a gift.

"What happened to her?" Natalia asks quietly, her heels quiet on the red carpet of the hallways. I shrug from where I walk, ahead of her, only allowing her a look at my back. I want to look at her eyes as I speak to her, but then she might know.

"She died in the war. Didn't I tell you this already? My parents are dead."

"Is it painful to speak of her?"

Yes. Somewhat. When I think of how they were killed I'm filled with both sadness and anger. I'm furious then, and I want to run to the main hall and seize my father's sword and cut down everything I've been planning to this whole time. I want to hurt people. Those with red hair and green eyes and innocence and no knowledge of why they're being hurt. I want to bring pain to the one who made me feel pain.

But I don't. I never do. I don't really want to anymore. Life goes on and feelings age and are replaced with something else. Like memories of a boy who can barely walk, his shoulders in my hands as I hold him up. Like the smile of a mother, asking me of how my day has been, thanking me for everything. The kiss of a lover who accepts me as I am, who whispers my name oh so pleasantly.

"A little." I answer.

I open the door to my room, and hear her sit on my bed. Room's empty of course. Just me, just her. I open the wardrobe and she goes on as I look for some clothes to change into.

"Guy, where are you from?"

I freeze again. She's getting daring. Not pulling any punches. Should I just change the subject? I decide to play dumb as I slide shirts to the side, examining them, hangers clacking against each other.

"What do you mean, sweetie?" I chuckle, as if she had told a joke. I throw the 'sweetie' in there just to remind her who I am again, what she could possibly ruin.

"Natalia." She corrects me.

Predictable.

"I know, I know." I laugh. "You call me 'love' sometimes. Why can't I call you 'sweetie'?"

"Because it's childish. 'Love' sounds more mature. And stop avoiding the question."

She's serious. Her voice sounds serious, and she doesn't take the bait I leave, to change the subject to something more light-hearted. I play dumb again.

"What question?"

"Where did you use to live, Guy? I know you moved here to Baticul; where did you live previously in Kimlasca? Sheridan?"

"I wish."

"Honestly speaking, Guy. Tell me."

And now she was _ordering _me to. Damn. I didn't think she'd get this suspicious about my past so quickly. I thought I had it all under control, all within my reach, under my eye. I guess she's too smart for that. Damn.

Well…what's wrong with telling her? Let me count the ways…

I tried to kill her fiancé. Of course that's not good; and even if she's in love with me now, they're still childhood friends, and she still wouldn't take it kindly. I'm from Malkuth. Kimlascans hate Malkuthians. As simple as that. Hell, she's their _princess._ That just puts the relationship on a whole other level of forbidden. It's too dangerous to tell her, because she might rat me out. Yes, I love her. Yes, I trust her. But this is just such a delicate thing, such a thing that could so easily ruin me, _any _sort of possible risk is a huge endangerment. I just can't take chances. This could mean my life here. My home, my friends. Damn…how did I get so involved in the enemy country? I'm more in danger than my intended victims are supposed to be.

Furthermore, Natalia was also included in my revenge. It's true. I wanted her to feel the same pain I did by murdering her father and her fiancé. I hated her when I first met her. She lived so nicely, so freely. I always thought to myself 'How can you be so happy after what your father has done to my family? My homeland?'

I hated her. I did.

And, at the moment, of course I don't. I've seen her be sad and I've seen her suffer. She's human, just like me. She has awful days, just like me. I sympathize with her. And I've seen her flaws and her flawlessness. Her good points, her pet peeves, her faults, her smiles, and frowns, and tears.

Somehow I've fallen in love with the one I used to hate. Life kinda does mean things like that. What a jerk.

In any case, it'd be really bad if she knew. I had to think up a lie. Why didn't I construct some fake past in case something like this happened? I'm so unprepared…

"Guy!"

I jumped, Natalia practically shrieking and I turned back to her, her eyes wide, clutching the edges of my bed. I blinked in confusion.

"What? What is it?"

She opened her mouth then closed it. I could see her cheeks getting red. Was she _blushing_? She finally took a deep breathe, composed herself, and pointed at me.

"I'd just like to know why you're _stripping_ in front of me." She clarified, sarcasm lacing her words.

I furrowed my eyebrows in question and looked down, and okay, yeah, I _was_ taking off my shirt. I jumped in shock, and quickly began to redress. I'd been so caught up in my thoughts I was just flowing with the motions, forgetting my surroundings. In a way, I found a way to change the subject, unintentionally, yet successfully. I scrambled with my apology, flustered and embarrassed, nonetheless.

"Natalia, I'm sorry, I forgot what I was doing and-!"

Then her silk gloved-hand was on my bare back. I stopped what I was doing, chills going up my back.

"What _exactly_ were you doing?" She asked me, her voice still so light and dainty. I wondered where this was going, wondering if we were thinking the same thing. If I was right, then I could probably get her to forget this whole thing entirely.

"Changing to cleaner clothes. I was going to take a bath but…it would probably take too long."

"You're not that dirty, anyway."

I gulp, my mouth suddenly deciding to dehydrate itself. Her voice suddenly turns calm and everything is going quickly. I try to change the subject, keeping up this conversation, steering her away from the previous one.

"I'll change somewhere else if you want me to." I offered. Natalia stays quiet for awhile, leaving me in the dark. Then, she's shaking her head, her hair flying, then stopping. That mass of curly fair hair that she works so well.

"It…it is fine. You needn't do that."

Her hand travels down the middle of my back, and she pushes the shirt I was putting back on out of my hands with her other one. I don't put up much of a fight and she hugs me from behind, her body against my bare skin. Her cheek is soft against my spine, and her clothes are smooth and soft and so is she under them, I know.

I put my hands over her's, and they were small, and fit so well into my own. I laughed.

"You've seen me before; I can't believe you freaked out."

"I was surprised!" She laughed at my teasing, and somehow all the dark, deep questions swirled away, and I kept up the pace we were at so as to keep this whole mood with it. It was in my favor and I loved her, and there was nothing wrong with it.

Well, yes, there was. I didn't like the thought of making love with her just to change her mind, the subject, to distract her. I've never done it, and I hope this won't be the first time.

I slip off her bracelets for her, placing them on the desk with a soft _clink_. She places her forehead against my back and she's a head shorter than me, perfect to hold and put your chin on the top of her head.

"I'm not used to it, you know." She mutters into my back.

"To what?"

"Your body."

I turn to look at her, and she's looking up at me. Her eyes are so striking then. Hazel-green and soft. I have this sudden want to kiss her eyelids, one by one, before she goes to sleep.

Sorry. There I go with the gushing again. You have _got_ to warn me when I start doing that.

I smile then, (or maybe a smirk; it felt like it) and tilt my head to the side.

"Really? Not yet?"

"Of course not." She frowns, looking away from me.

"Well," I smile and shrug, "you always insist on turning the lights off when we…"

"Guy!"

"Just saying, just saying." I chuckle, and she gives me a small hit on my back. It doesn't hurt at all though because she's being playful and there was a hint of laughter in her voice. She doesn't mind, and we go on teasing each other, because that's what lovers can do.

"Oh, and I should suppose you are not entirely uncomfortable with mine?"

"It's not like you're shy the morning after."

"I am comfortable with my body."

"But not with mine?"

"You're a man, Guy. My first time…" She trails off, realizing what she has said. Her voice drops and I can feel her reflecting on this statement. I feel her cheeks warming on my back. It seemed special to her. Sacred. The fact that it was me, and no one else. Someone she loved and chose and someone who loved and chose her. My Natalia, the romantic. I decide to break the comfortable air, flirt with her more, make sure she forgets any previous questions she could make again.

(Yes, I'm manipulating her. I know this, and I'm not proud of it. I didn't go around lying to her just for the kicks you know. I was doing my best to protect myself; I don't expect you to understand. That's fine if you do, and fine if you don't. It was a necessary evil.)

"So you've never seen a man's body?" I ask, nonchalant, already knowing the answer.

"Of course not! I…I am only seventeen, as you know."

"I know."

"And they wouldn't teach me such a thing! I…" she sighs, exasperated and flustered. "…As I said, you are my first time."

We stay quiet as I soak in her words. These are things I already know, should know through the process of deduction, of knowing who and how she is. But I coax her into saying it anyway, just to make the conversation go longer, just to keep it alive.

"…As I must suspect, you are the same." She then mutters, catching me off guard. I consider it for awhile then, look down, to the carpet, my boots and her sea-blue heels right behind them.

"Well, there's the case of my gynophobia." I agree. "You're the only woman I've ever been close to in awhile."

Her hold on me tightened and her forearms pressed into my sides, her small hands clasped together in front of my stomach, still wrapped up in my hand. I wonder if she felt honored by this fact, felt loved and special. I wanted her to feel that way, wanted to know I caused those feelings.

"I've seen you though." I smile, "Like I said, you're very bold about it."

"Do not say it so. It makes me sound…promiscuous."

I laugh because sometimes her vocabulary sounds so proper it sounds silly. She grew up in royalty and learned to talk like that, and in situations like this it always came out silly. Like wearing some gorgeous ball gown to a pub. Proper manners out of place in an improper setting. When it seemed better left at home along with the chintzy perfume or coral heels; it just wouldn't fit. The only time they're the wrong etiquette for once.

Natalia stands back a bit, and I look over my shoulder, catching the look on her face. Frowning, one eyebrow raised, somewhat offended, and somewhat confused.

"What is so funny? Do you think it is so?"

"Of course not." I grin. "Or maybe. Natalia the man-killer. Natalia the boy crazy. Natalia the heartbreaker." I laugh, and she hits me on the back again.

"Guy, don't say such things about me!"

"How many proposals have you turned down anyway?" I ask, a calm change of pace. She's quiet, and I go on. "You still get suitors don't you, despite your betrothal to Luke?"

"Sometimes. Father allows it because it's 'insurance'. Which, I think, is a particularly gruesome way to put it."

"So how many?"

"It depends. During this week, or month?"

That's when I start laughing again. It just seems like such a punch line, I laugh, and this catches her off guard. I go on teasing her, not to be mean, but just because I enjoy a good joke too. And this seems like such a comedic situation.

"You're a real catch. On the prowl for a new man to eat up." I'm cracking up now, at this very image of Natalia; wild hair and short skirts and high-heels. Looking for an unfortunate average Joe to string along, then dump him in six seconds flat. A real tigress on an endless journey of playing hard-to-get. I can't stop laughing. I swear, I really can't. It just doesn't fit her at all, the courteous princess of Kimlasca. It's so outrageous it's hilarious.

"Guy, don't make up things like that!"

"Natalia the man-killer. Natalia the boy crazy. Natalia the heartbreaker" I repeat and keep cracking up. She's laughing too now, and it's just the two of us, laughing and laughing and this is good, because we're dating. People who fall in love with their best friends are choosing the best person to fall in love with. Because with a best friend you can act like a total idiot and still know they'll love you at the end of a giggle fit. Because you two have more things to talk about then the other person's breathtaking eyes, or about how madly you love them. Love's more then angsting and lusting and drama; sometimes love can just be snuggling up to them in front of a fireplace and telling a joke, or a funny thing that happened to you that day, and they'll laugh right with you.

When we're done, and catching our breath, the silence that always follows belly laughs settles in. She tickles me then, and I go back to where I started, laughing and pushing away her hands. She hugs me to herself, and stops, and it's so comfortable and feels good, it's hard to describe.

"You shouldn't tell lies."

"About you?"

"Mm. I'm not a man-killer. Nothing of the sort. I don't mean to have all these suitors."

I'm grinning, but decide not to laugh again, to let it past. I kid her instead. "I guess a man-killer wouldn't be so embarrassed to see me change."

"Guy!"

"Just saying, just saying." I sing-song again and she sighs. We let things slide with each other. I know, at the moment, that I've completely detoured her from the previous conversation, to her possibly getting to know the truth, and this is good. Still, because I love her and because I'm still selfish, I want more. Nonetheless, I want more. Without any comment, her arms are dropping to her side, and maybe she decided it was time to go, or that she was tired of holding me. I grab her wrists though, and lean down to kiss her, and she's surprised; I can feel it. But she wants it, too (I also feel that) and leans into the kiss, leans her head to the side, and it feels good. And it feels like love.

When we break apart, I smile (or smirk) and drop a hint.

"We could do something about that; I've got some time, you know."

And she takes it.

Before I know it, we're on my bed, and I'm still lacking my shirt, and I'm struggling with the buttons on the back of her dress, and we're kissing till we're out of breath, till we have to come up for air.

It's embarrassing to admit it. I'm not really eager to talk about what has happened in my love life. It feels like…well _lewd._ I guess. I can't think of a good word for it, but that's the first one that pops up, so I guess that's what I'll use. (Once again, using proper words where they don't belong. It sounds silly doesn't it? It sounds silly to me, but oh well.) I'm actually blushing really hard as I remember this; I guess I'm still a little timid? Or am I just being human? Stuff like this, between us, didn't seem so dirty. I guess, with things like this, only lovers would understand the feelings involved, and to other people it just seems like rapid, mad instinct. It's too much to explain in words, and no one else but they can understand it between them. Something like that?

Well, whatever. We made out. We never got to the sex. Something happened. I forgot to lock the door and that was what screwed it all up.

I never noticed because I was lost in her. Her scent and touch and warmth, and she was the same. Whispering my name, so quick, and saying she loved me, she loved me, she loved me. Toned breath and gasps, not even actually speaking. I could feel the skin of her shoulder on my lips as I kissed there, hard, and her arms were wrapped around my shoulders, her fingers tangled up in my hair. She was lying down and I was on top of her and the passion just poured out. She was whispering my name so much: Guy, Guy, Guy. That's what she kept saying, and because it was so close to my ear, I never heard the door opening. Guy, Guy, Guy she was breathing and cooing, and I never saw his eyes widening, and I never saw Natalia throw her head back and say someone else's name. In shock, not passion.

"Luke?!"

"Guy?! Natalia?!"

Caught.

* * *

I was the one who dragged Luke inside the room, out of the hallway, after scrambling and getting my shirt barely on, not even buttoned up. It was Natalia who closed the door behind him, locked it (although a tad bit late then when we should've), then fixing the buttons on the back of her dress. The two of us acting on instinct, a tag team of sorts, dealing with the new, but familiar witness. I had sat Luke on my bed and he just looked at me, dumbfounded, flustered, confused and I suddenly felt so bad for him. It was like we were kidnapping him, or planning to make him die with the secret.

What a lovely, sweet, little couple me and my Natty made. Partners in crime.

Also for the record, we were still decently clothed and we did _not _scar Luke for life. Just wanted to get that out of the way. At least we avoided that sin.

And then there was this big, fat silence where no one said anything. The bomb was let off, and the damage was done, and it was that moment of quiet where you know, in the back of you're mind, it can only go worse from here. Luke first looked from me, then to Natalia. He kept his eyebrows up, justifiably confused and shocked.

"Were you guys…" he began, slowly, "…making out just now?"

"No!" Natalia yells, shaking her head, her hair a mess, her headband a bit crooked. "That…that wasn't…I mean, Luke, look this is…!"

She falls short, her voice falling low, waiting for someone to fill in the blank for her. And by the way she begins to look at me for help, my heart beating fast with worry, I guess it was going to be me.

"Luke," I gulp, running my hands through my hair, the other on my hip, "Natalia and I…She and I are having an affair."

And there. It's out. No point of return from here.

Luke blinks once. Then twice. He looks more awake and alert then he has in weeks. This is probably the most entertaining thing that's happened to him in days even. I don't look at Natalia, because I'm afraid of how she looks. Was that not what she wanted me to say? Maybe she wanted to be the one to say it. Or maybe she looks sad because the secrets out now, and she knows there's no way to take it back.

"Having an…affair?' He asks, trying the word out. I then realize, Luke would have no idea about racy stuff like this. It's more painful to know I'm going to have to explain it to him. The shame will definitely sink in then, like I'm explaining to myself too about what I've done. I sigh, put my hand on my forehead, slide it down so that it covers my mouth and I look Luke straight in the eye. He looks confused, he looks so worried. My poor Luke…stumbling onto things you were never meant to know. I look to Natalia too, and she looks so scared, asking me with her eyes _What's going to happen to us now?_ Oh, my poor love…time has run out for us. I sigh a loud sigh again, and slump my shoulders. I busy myself with buttoning my shirt, head ducked down, and I explain.

"It's…Look, Luke, it's like this. Natalia and I are dating behind your back."

I wait for a reaction. I realize then, Luke probably doesn't…

"So? That's all?"

…doesn't care. At all. He never liked the engagement and he's never wanted any part of it. Luke's probably the best person to find out, if there was no choice but to tell someone. I realize then, we're fine. It's going to be okay. And at that moment I just want to hold Luke and tell him thank you and thank you over again, because it was _him_ and nobody else who opened that door. That door who could've let someone more of a risk inside.

"You are not…surprised?" Natalia asks. Was that…a hint of hurt in her voice? No; it's just my imagination. Yeah.

"Well, yeah, I am." Luke shrugs. "But well…alright. That's okay. It's none of my business what you guys do."

Yes. Yes! I was right! Everything was okay, and I sigh in relief this time. Okay, so maybe Luke had a chance of letting it slip, but I'd make sure it'd be fine, and that's what it was now; fine. We were okay. Safe. Nothing could go wrong. I could feel the tense air leave and all was okay. All was fine. All fixed in a matter of minutes, surprisingly enough. Count on Luke to make things the opposite of needlessly complicated, no matter what he was involved in.

"I mean," he went on, "Yeah, we're engaged and all, but-"

"Luke, I'm so sorry! The engagement-!"

"I don't care about that." He cut her off, hands held in front of him, palms facing her. "I never cared about that. You know that. If you want to be with Guy, then fine. Just…just lock the door next time. Jeez, I thought you guys were going to murder me or something!"

"Make you die along with the truth, you mean?" I laugh. He grins.

"Yeah. You guys were so serious."

Luke and I are joking, and I know he'll probably ask more questions about us, and I'll answer them, probably, depending. Depending on a lot of things. But, for the moment, the matter is settled, and we're fine. Caught, but caught by the safest option. It was fine. I was fine. Luke was fine.

But Natalia wasn't.

From the corner of my eye, I saw her looking at us bemused. Speechless. Her eyes are wide and confused, like there was something wrong with this scene. She looks small and fragile, her hair astray and her dress awkward on her body, the bodice shifted a bit. She's small and pale and looks so…heartbroken?

Why?

"Luke." She speaks, hesitant with her words, wondering what she's saying and what she'll say next.

"Yeah?"

She begins to say something, then doesn't. She looks away from him, to her hands, to the ground, her feet. Anywhere but him. I feel uneasy as I see this. Very uneasy. Like something's wrong, something I can't see, but so obvious. She gulps, and looks to him again with those soft hazel-green eyes.

"The promise…" She trails off, only reminding him, saying nothing else. I look to Luke where he sits back on his hands, calm and lazy all over again.

"Forget it, Natalia." He shrugs, "That was a long time ago. I can't remember it anyway. Just forget it, okay?"

With this, her eyes widened and she looked so shocked and…it was like he broke her heart right there with how she looked at him. And later, confessed by her, he actually had. While I had found Luke to be the one person I'd rather know about us, Natalia would admit to me later that he was the last person she wanted to let learn of it.

All because of the promise he never even knew.

All because of that goddamn promise.

* * *

Luke asked questions, just as I thought.

"So when did you guys start dating?"

It never mattered where or when to him. The moment he was alone, he would ask those questions, whatever came to mind, whatever kept his boredom at bay. (For instance, the previous one came when I was brushing his hair.) Sometimes I wondered if he honestly cared, or if he was just being curious. It was probably the latter; Luke has never expressed and sort of romantic attraction to Natalia, and I guess he probably never will. Luke's never had any sort of experience with love; there were more important things to worry about. Remembering and growing up all over again. At his age, it _might_ have been important, but because of the kidnapping it just…wasn't. Just a four-lettered word with a definition never really lived out. It wasn't a priority, but a possible luxury.

"Two years ago."

"That long?"

"Yup."

"…I can't believe you put up with her for that long."

He made sure to keep it a secret. I told Luke the consequences of our actions. I could be fired, or maybe even executed, and Natalia would be a disgrace. Bad things would happen. I told him, 'Why do you think we're keeping it a secret?' He understood, and he seemed a bit overwhelmed. This was a serious matter he knew now.

"Why can you touch her?"

"Huh?"

"Your phobia. I thought you hated women."

"I don't hate them Luke; I just can't get near them."

"Then why can you touch her?"

This was asked after we had sparred for a bit. We were resting on the steps that led to his room, the sun beating down on us. We shared a water bottle between us, and he asked the questions again. His unending interest. At his last question, I shrugged.

"I don't know, I just…can."

"That doesn't make sense."

"It's like…well, it's like love does amazing things, Luke. Maybe it's because I love her so much that I ignore the fear."

He took a swig of water and sighed afterwards, cicadas buzzing lazily in the air. There was a musky scent of pollen and the smell of the sea, warm and heated. It was summer and summer was hot and lazy and I felt the same. The back of my neck felt sticky from the sweat, the smell of fresh-cut grass also permeating through the air. My limbs felt tired and loose and clouds rolled by, chasing each other with the speed of snails.

"Well…" Luke finally said, "…that sounds really cheesy."

As I said, Luke wasn't experienced to love. He knows the love of a mother and a friend and of the servants and a master, but not the love of a lover. The most intense and thrilling love out there. He's too young to know, I think, so I think it's fine if he doesn't try it just once for now. I realized then, though, when I answered his questions I was the only exposure to this type of love he had. It was second-hand knowledge, somewhat advice and anecdotes given, but this is the only time he got to learn it. So I chose how I spoke carefully, not giving too much, nor too little.

Give too much love and he'll be cautious. Give too little and he'll be confused.

It was a delicate procedure; teaching someone love. Raising a child with love.

(I'm referencing to my previous talk, if you couldn't notice. I never really considered Luke my _child,_ per se, but more so a little brother of sorts.)

"Why Natalia?"

"Why not?"

This occurred as he wrote in his journal, midday, sitting at his desk. His head on his hand and elbow on surface, not turning to look at me. He let me rest on his bed, and I just laid there above the covers. Tired from chores that day, too much physical stress for my poor, little, frail body to handle. (Alright not really; I was just being lazy.) I laid there, trees rustling outside, staring at his ceiling. His window was open from when I made my entrance, and he left it open, the breeze nice. It was peaceful, just hanging out with him like that.

"Well, she's kind of naggy, don't you think?" He went on, his pen smooth and noiseless as he wrote. I looked over to him, his shoulder moving a bit as he wrote, his head ducked down. His hair was longer now, reaching the middle of his back. It was a pain to brush now, but I didn't really mind that much.

"True." I nodded, even if he couldn't see me, "But she's got her good points, too."

"Like what?"

"Well," I began, looking toward the ceiling again, "she's very inspiring. Strong and powerful. I love that. Strength. It's just so…attractive. Very determined. Very elegant."

Luke stays quiet. I wonder if he's even listening anymore or if he just blocked me out, all those words just flying over his head and out the open window. I continue anyway.

"She's ladylike. And I like ladylike. When a woman is graceful and refined, but strong too, it's just so beautiful, you know?" I sighed a lovelorn sigh without thinking and my heart swelled. It felt good to gush this to someone, like I had something so wonderful I wanted to share it with everyone. It was the same feeling I got when I yelled to all of Baticul how I loved their precious princess all from an elevator. Something that had felt so right.

Luke's shoulder is still moving a bit, and I wonder if he heard any of that. I don't care though, because someone is finally listening to how I feel, and I like to brag about it. I laugh.

"She's cute to boot, too. That's a plus."

Finally Luke stopped in his writing and put the pen down. He closed his notebook and there's a shuffling of paper and clothes as he put his supplies away. He looked back to me, turning around in his chair. The look on his face is that of exasperation, the type that said 'Oh boy, what am I going to do with you?'

"You're so lost, Guy. If you go on, I'll hurl."

I think he understood. He accepted the relationship and he didn't feel like interfering. He told me once he didn't want anything bad to happen. He admitted he wanted me to be happy. Natalia, too, even. She wasn't that bad when she wasn't nagging him he said. She was pretty decent, and he thought she should deserve to be happy, too. Luke gave us his blessing, and that made me glad. He never told anyone, not even Master Van, and he was the best person who could've found out. This was good. Everything was good.

But he did make me question things. Those growing up are honesty and innocence personified. They don't know they have to be secretive sometimes, that sometimes people must fake things like kindness or attention or interest or sadness. They don't understand the social rules of ignoring what we can't or don't want to handle, of how we are so weak that we will have to act as if everything is okay sometimes just to look in control, just to impress others.

Luke didn't know that. So he asked the question I always just shrugged off, one night, when he should've been asleep. He told me he had been hit with a sudden case of insomnia, after he shook me awake in my bed. So I kept him company in the quiet manor; all shadows and moonlight and starlight through the windows. We hung out in the drawing room, drinking hot chocolate just because it was fall and Baticul got chillier at night during fall. He had his knees to his chest as he sat in one of the dining room chairs and I just laid my head against the table, fighting off sleep for him.

"Hey, Guy?"

"Mm?"

We were the only noises in the whole place. Well, save a few White Knights clinking armor, but it was relatively more a soft sound than you would think. They made their rounds in the halls, having greeted Luke and me when we passed by them. It should've been an unusual sight, but he was the Duke's son and you were meant to stay out of his way, anyway.

"Why can't you and Natalia just get married?"

I looked at him through half-lidded eyes, heavy and begging to be shut. He took a sip of his hot chocolate, my mug still near me, warmth radiating off it.

"Because she's betrothed to you, Luke."

"What if I broke off the engagement or told them I didn't want to or something?" He asked, as he held the mug with both hands, all curled up and awake. Lucky guy.

"That's really unlikely." I sighed, and shrugged, "Besides, even if you did I'm still a servant. It's forbidden."

I sat up, my limbs achy as they always got in the cold; loose and panging and toes all scrunched up. Biting cold. Achy want of sleep. I took a sip of my hot chocolate hoping it would be a cure for my horrible symptoms. Tonight's night was the type where everything was silent, where everything was still and you could see the breath in front of you. I took a look at Luke's feet, bare and I worried about him. Had he walked all the way from his room to mine just to have company? It was plenty warm in his room and the whole manor, but I still worried about him. Braving brief cold…he was such a child sometimes.

The hot chocolate went down warm, a sudden heat I drank slowly for. It filled my whole core and it felt good. I can still remember having to make this for me and him; I didn't want Luke to wake up the cook just for us and two cups of coco, so I took on the task. At least Luke was enjoying it and not complaining.

"Hey, Guy? Can I ask you something?" Luke asked, all curled up, both hands on his mug still the same. If he had a blanket around his shoulders, he could pose for the perfect cozy portrait if he wanted to.

"Sure. Shoot."

Luke was like a child, and children are innocence and honesty personified. Luke didn't know the untaught rules of the social world. Questioning what should not be questioned, and voicing opinions that should never be considered. It's the only way I can excuse the reason behind his next question, the question I've never asked, but should.

"Why does it matter if you're a servant? It doesn't make sense. What's wrong with that? Why's that the only reason you guys can't get married?"

I froze for awhile and stared into the dark brown of my hot chocolate. I registered his words, repeated them in my head. He asked the question that no one should ask, that should be ignored.

"I mean," he continued, "_I_ don't care if you're a servant. What does it have to do with anything anyway? It's a pretty flimsy reason."

It was. And he wasn't meant to point that out, but disregard it.

It was a question I asked, but never actually did. Never really considered more so. It was just common knowledge, something you should never scrutinize. Obvious and silly to fight against. Of course I've thought of it. Sometimes I wanted to marry her, I wanted the relationship to be known, and I didn't like sneaking around. But, as I said, I've felt this _sometimes._ I figured if I wanted it too much, if I tried anything, it would be too risky. I decided to just stay like this with her, her secret lover, and savor what I could get. I would ask for too much otherwise and…and well, I didn't want to endanger her. It was one of the promises I made to myself when I found out she wanted to be with me, when she ran to me, to the port, in the rain, soaked and beautiful.

What? Huh? Oh, well yeah, technically I'm not a servant. I'm actually the son of a count.

But it's probably better for her to want to marry a _Kimlascan _servant rather than a _Malkuthian _noble.

As I slid down in my seat, resting my head in my crossed arms on the table, I could feel Luke's eyes on me. Sleepy, half-lidded green eyes, with their skeptical gaze, their bored image as usual. When he looked like that, it was like he was judging you, deeming if you were worthy or interesting enough. I think his face was just stuck that way. That, or he really needs to get out of this house. Some adventure. There's only so much sword training that can satisfy one's hunger for an exciting escapade.

But I guess he was less destructive and wild here. In any case.

"Guy?" he spoke, "You still awake?"

"Yeah."

"Don't you think it's silly?"

I blinked, once then twice, blinking away the want of sleep. I shrugged from where I lay.

"Yeah, but…but that's just how it is, Luke. It's frowned upon it's…that's just how it is." I sounded distant, like I wasn't really all here, and I wasn't even sure why. Maybe it was because I was seriously considering his words, questioning the rules myself. Hell, it might've been because I was sleepy and tired.

It was just how it was, I told myself too. What could I do? What, go pleading to her father for her hand in marriage? Reveal my true identity? If I did that, I might as well ask the Knights to hang me right then and there.

This was just something that we couldn't fight against. That's just how it was.

"Well, that's stupid." Luke huffed, placing his mug down, circling his arms around his legs, chin on his knees. He pouted ahead, like something before him was offending, something deemed dreary by those green eyes. I didn't say anything to his words, because there was nothing to say to that, and because I was focusing on staying awake. For him and for us.

There was some silence, and I was sure he had dropped the subject or had most likely lost interest in it. I was tempted to take another sip of my hot chocolate, but worried the sugar would keep me awake, so I didn't.

"Guy, kings can make laws and stuff right?" Luke suddenly piped up. I closed my eyes, and decided not to think too deeply into where this led; I was too tired to.

"They can."

"Okay, then. I've decided."

I opened one eye and looked at him. He looked determined, his head raised just a bit. Alert, awake, motivated. To do what, I found out.

"When I become king, I'm going to make it so that all servants have to be treated equal. Then I'll un-marry Natalia, and you can have her. How's that sound?"

I almost laughed. It sounded like such a kid's solution, like things were that simple. No, I wasn't being bitter. Touched, is probably the better word for it. Luke was still a child in mind, in manner. He didn't know the unknown social rules of this world, but he also didn't know the cruelty of her either. He didn't know the troubles and trials he would cause if he took that road. The scandal of it and the humiliation. It honestly seemed that simple, that clean-cut, that _easy _to him.

And I found that endearing. Pure Luke. Pure, _noisy_, and _selfish_ Luke, but pure Luke nonetheless. I hoped he never saw the horrors of the world. Or, if he had to, at least be exposed to it little by little rather than all at once. It is better to catch a glimpse of the light, than be blinded by it in all its bright glory.

How he offered this to me, I was impressed of course. I smiled a sleepy smile, and sat up, shaking my head. I laughed a little anyway. Luke looked at me with furrowed brows, confused green eyes.

"What? What's so funny?" He asked, somewhat offended, more so embarrassed. I looked at him with a lop-sided smirk, with tired, judging eyes. (Which he told me about later.)

"You're so sappy, Luke. If you go on, I'll puke."

He gave me a playful punch in the arm. And I laughed again, at him, my informal friend and master.

* * *

Natalia hadn't spoken to me since the incident in my room. I think she was avoiding me. It's probably that. My Natty worries too much, she dramatizes sometimes. I hope she hasn't gotten sick. Luke had assured us twenty-three times over that he wouldn't tell anyone. Had she found that a faulty truth though? Or was she worried about something else? Maybe she was being more cautious without asking my opinion on it.

It had been two weeks since then and these were the thoughts that went around and around in my head. Broken records, circuitous ideas and rambles. So that was why, when I found some free time, I decided to see her. She hadn't asked me to come, and I didn't tell her, but with Sophie's help, I went to see her anyway.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Said person whispered to me, as we walked through one of the hallways, her head looking this way and that for anyone else. "I mean, she's not prepared to see you, right?"

"Yeah, but…" I trailed off, my voice low just as well, "…I want to surprise her, ya know? It'll be fine."

She cast me a skeptical look, but said nothing to this, and urged me to hurry on. There aren't any good excuses for me to be there, anyway, she said.

And when I finally reached her room, the door I noticed, the paintings on the wall that lead to it I recognized, my heart rose. Yeah, it would be fine. Comfort her, kiss her, and talk it out. It'll be fine. Simple, and clean-cut, and that easy. Except as soon as Sophie opened the door, as soon as I saw her, and she caught my eyes, her face fell. Her mouth dropped opened, her eyes widened, and soon her face just changed into a wince. Like tasting something foul. Confused was what it made me.

"Guy?" She asked, confused in a non-endearing way. Like you were just acting strange and stupid. This hurt a bit, but I decided to go on, and walked up, hugging her. She stiffened under my touch; this wasn't turning out as I had imagined it at all.

"Miss me?" I grinned, going on nonetheless. It was when Natalia pushed me away that I realized she wasn't in the mood to act the part as I had imagined for her. She looked at me with furrowed eyebrows, a very un-cute annoyed look.

"You can't be here." She stated firmly. I blinked dumbly.

"Why not?"

"I'm meeting my tailor soon. You have to leave soon."

"You're getting new clothes?"

She frowned even deeper and I realized that was a very stupid thing to ask. She sighed an obviously annoyed sigh and looked at me like I was an idiot. "Yes. Some new dresses. Formal wear. Look, Guy, you should-"

"Wait," I cut in, "I came here to…to talk about Luke."

I got her attention with that, and she looked at me with uncertainty, then turned her head away. I frowned, and knew that we would have to talk about this all serious like; no room for a comfortable talk, or a stress-free conversation like I had wanted. She would have none of that, with how she acted. Neither of us would. Well, oh well. The world's not perfect, and neither are we.

"…What of Luke?"

"We haven't talked since he found out you know."

"I know." She spoke solidly. I felt like asking her why she had ignored me, but decided that it was better to get to the point than go on random threads of conversation that would result in firm and unsatisfying conclusions and decisions. I bit my lower lip and tried to decide on where I was headed anyway and just spoke whatever seemed plausible and inoffensive.

"…Are you alright?" I asked softly, like she had gone through something horrible. Natalia looked back at me slightly, mildly confused. She shook her head, eyebrows raised and face fine, just fine.

"Of course I am, Guy. What sort of question is that?" She asked, her voice light and dainty as always. I shrugged.

"Well, we were found out. You're not worried?"

"…I am."

Natalia looked away from me again, and for some reason or another I wanted to see her hazel-green eyes. I wanted to see them for the comfort they would provide, the beauty they were. However, Natalia was more than beauty and this relationship was more than hugs and kisses and warm, tingly feelings. There were such things as raising a child with love, and it's heavily recommended to raise him with discipline too. Lovers' relationships were just the same. Show me love, sweetheart. But show me why love isn't always fun and games too. I'll grow up properly that way.

She wouldn't meet my eyes when I asked her what she was worried the most about. She didn't answer. Natalia was deep in thought, like contemplating what I could know and what I couldn't. I learned later that this was the truth. Cruelly enough, it was the truth.

"Natalia?"

She frowned deeply, and crossed her arms, leaning on one leg. She looked at me and shook her head, beginning to shake her arm, those bracelets dancing, putting on their own show.

"It is silly isn't it? Luke has assured us that he would keep it a secret, yet still I worry. I just…Perhaps I am cautious, yes?"

For some reason this sounded faked, fabricated, an excuse. I let it slide, though, just this once. Maybe it'd be ammo for a later fight, if she kept this up.

I don't know why, but things seemed wrong. Off. Something was different with her and she just refused to look me in the eye; forsake me the want to see her eyes. She seemed guilty, seemed shameful. Of what? This was what irked me, not what I expected. It was a giant problem in the room that no one but I noticed. It was…very troubling. Maybe this was why I was suspicious of her. Maybe.

"Don't worry, alright?" I smiled, banishing these thoughts, "We'll be fine."

"I know." She forced a smile. "I know."

This seemed scripted for some reason. I wish I could just open the windows and let this tense mood air out into the city, somewhere else, not with us. But life's not that simple, so I just change the subject.

"I thought you'd be sad." I laughed. She looked confused, still not looking at me, but instead clanging and clinging those bracelets, her arms somewhat crossed still.

"Why is that?"

"Well, with how Luke shrugged off that promise you two made, I thought you'd be sad. It was special to you right?"

She was quiet. Deathly quiet. Her bangles still sang, but she remained silent, like a quiet ventriloquist as they let something else speak their voice. I tried to catch her eye, but she wouldn't turn to look at me; instead she seemed solemn. I noticed her eyes went downcast at the words, looking at her feet, or the floor, anything that wasn't me. It bothered me when I can't look someone in the eye when I speak to them. And right now, she was doing this on purpose, doing it not to bother me, but to fulfill some other wish she had. To not see me, to not see her love. Why?

Unasked and unanswered question. Between the lines and written in the margins. Things we skim over because they aren't the fine, rigid, black print. Things like that are dangerous. Consequences waiting to happen. Communication is key, they say, in a relationship. I lost that key, or chose not to use it. Either way, I ignored it at this moment. And I went on.

"…It was." She struggled to say, her arms still shaking with the bracelets. I smiled, trying to cheer up the mood.

"Have you given up on marrying him? Because of me?" I asked, laughing, trying to make a joke. How it was funny, I don't know. I just wanted it to be. I wanted it to be funny and true.

Long silence again. If I had a Gald piece for every time she refused to answer right at the moment, I'd be rich like I should be. Her arms stopped and her bracelets stopped dancing and singing, and laid to rest halfway on her forearm. She looked at me, but avoided my eyes, and…she looked sad. Solemn. Quiet and confused. Wasn't sure what to do and gave off this feeling like she felt guilt. Shame. Saying sorry without really saying it. For what, I didn't know yet. Not yet. My heart would break later. Don't worry, it would. Just not yet.

"Guy?" She asked then, her voice sounding distant and away, "Your collar."

"Huh?"

She pointed at her neck to indicate what she was talking about. "Your collar. Chocker. Where did you get it?"

I grabbed for it, fingers wrapping around the charm, like I had to make sure it was still there or something. It was a quick instinct and I just as soon dropped my hand. It was a weird question she asked, out of nowhere and not at all related to the conversation. I raised an eyebrow at her and gave what I think was a skeptical look.

"Where did this come from all of a sudden?"

"I just noticed, was all." She shrugged, acting nonchalant. "You don't have to answer if you don't wish to."

It was such an obvious turn from the subject, it made me second guess my deduction. Maybe there wasn't a hidden meaning behind it? Maybe she _wasn't _trying to avoid the question? She honestly didn't care about the engagement, and she was just wondering about my collar. Yeah. Completely normal…? Right? I gulped, and fingered my the charm again, smooth and warm under my touch. I smiled at her, just going along with it.

Maybe this moment would be more ammo for a later fight. If it happened.

Which I didn't want it to.

"It was a birthday present." I told her.

The truth. A birthday present from Mary. I received it a year before the attack, when I had been five. She had grinned and said that it showed my true status as a noble. Wear gold, Gailardia, and people will respect you; will know where you come from. Walk with pride and wear it well, and many people will respect you. I had frowned though and shook my head. I said to her 'Mary, I wanted a puppy. Not a necklace.'

I still laugh inwardly when I remember this. I _had _been a kid, after all. And because Mary was Mary she had ruffled my hair so that my scalped burned and told me to be more thankful. Strong and tough Mary. I still remember her well. I still wear the collar so I won't forget who I am, so I won't forget her. I am Gailardia, son of Count Gardios. No longer do I want revenge, but never will I fail to remember the blood that runs in my veins, neither. Natalia tilts her head to the side, those blonde waves falling too.

"Is that so? How old were you?"

"Five."

"May I see it?"

I reach behind my neck, undoing the clasp. When I hand it to her, the lack of weight on my neck is noticeable. It's been with me for so long it's like another part of me now. She holds it in her hand, turns it over, and holds it up by the strap, so that it hangs. There's something so surreal in the image of her taking in my one and only symbol of aristocratic background. My beautiful Natalia and her hazel-green eyes, and the glinting gold charm. I waited for her inevitable question, and prepared to say my answer, my line in the play.

"Is this gold?"

"Yeah, it is."

She looks at me astonished, eyes torn away from my chocker. She furrows her eyebrows then.

"That's…was your family well-off, perhaps?"

I can hear a hint of hopefulness in her voice. I'm not sure why it's there, but I shrug it off.

"No." I laugh an embarrassed laugh, scratching the back of my head, "It was a present from a family friend. It was a long time ago."

Little lies to protect ourselves. To protect her. From what? The disheartening truth, of course.

"Oh." She responds. Disappointed tone. "That is too bad."

"Why?" I ask, generally confused. She smiles a sad smile and looks at me.

"If you had come from an established family then there could've been a chance for us." She shrugs, a bit solemn in how she looks, eyes turned downcast. It reminds me of my mother, the way a woman could wear shy so well.

And I'm touched by this, reminded that I am madly in love with her. I let go of all the skepticism and suspicions and just see Natalia, lovely Natalia. How did she sway me so easily, have so much control? I swear all she has to do is cut off my hair, and the story is complete.

I bet no one got that reference. Look up Delilah and Samson and educate yourself.

In any case, she's smiling bashfully and then shakes her head, laughing a little.

"Ah, I desire too much, don't I? My apologies."

"No, it's fine. I…It sounds good anyway."

"Yes, but still. It is only wishful thinking."

_No, it's the truth. But it comes at a price._ I think to myself. I let go of all these sour thoughts about the past, too, and just try to be blind to pain. Instead I walk over to her, and wrap arms around her shoulders. She slides into them, her arms around my waist. We're no longer walking on eggshells and avoiding subjects and keeping secrets. Right now, we're just lovers. Blind and comfy and happy.

"You act like one, though." She whispers. I put a cheek to the top of her head.

"Like what?"

"A noble."

"Really?"

"Like a gentleman. Kind and polite." She looks up to me, smiling. "It makes you fascinating."

She's flirting. I ease into this too, lowering my voice, making it soft and playful.

"Oh? So I charmed you?"

"So much ego." She chides with a grin. I stroke her hair. Flirting with her is the best. It's not too awkward, and it's not too racy. Classy enough to suit her, and comfortable enough to suit me.

"Ah, but wasn't it you who said you found me fascinating?"

"I said you _were_, not that I thought of you as so." She shrugs off playfully. "Although, you are terribly handsome. If that helps."

I laugh, "So just a pretty face and nothing else?" I kiss her cheek, and feel it blush under my lips. Pull back and whisper right there "Not even a good kisser?"

She's speechless for awhile, trying to regain composure, and finally clears her throat, face red and eyes avoiding mine. "W-Well, I can't really be certain of that. Perhaps if you were to prove it to me."

And then I'm blushing. It's when Natalia says something so daring that it really gets me. Really catches me off guard. Really makes me interested.

"Is that a challenge?"

"No, merely a suggestion." She says lightly with confidence, back on sure footing again. "You may take it, if you so wish."

And I smiled at her, and she smiled at me, and I knew then I didn't want to back down from her. So I leaned down and caught her lips, and…

Then the door slammed open and we both jumped in surprise, away from each other. Sophie looked at us from there with wide eyes, her breath a bit ragged.

"General Cecille is coming to see you."

"What?!" Natalia exclaims, shaking her head, "But she never said she was visiting!"

"My apologies, your Highness, but she says it's urgent." Sophie frowns, and motions her eyes toward me when she says "You should get ready."

Natalia looks to me, eyes wide and scared. "You have to get out of here." She tells me rushed, and it's like all the alarms are off, danger only a few staircases away. I suddenly feel the hasty threat, too, and shake my head, making sure to not forget reason.

"I can't; she'd notice."

"Then what-?"

"Maybe," Sophie pipes in, voice steady, "he should hide somewhere? Most likely where General Cecille will not look." She has her eyes moving around the room, then quickly adds, "If that is alright, your Highness."

Natalia nods quickly, not hesitating, "Of course. But where…"

"The bathroom?" I suggest. Sophie shakes her head.

"The maids are coming to clean it soon."

"My closet!" Natalia proclaims, satisfied. She looks at me and smiles reassuringly. "My walk in closet. Hopefully that will be sufficient?"

"That sounds good." Sophie nods, and motions for me to follow. "I'll show you. Hurry."

So we do, and I'm successfully hidden, and as soon as Sophie closes the door on me, the door to Natalia's room opens. I hear footsteps, then General Cecille's voice.

"Your Highness. It is a pleasure."

"No, no, the pleasure is mine." Natalia speaks eloquently and calmly. She really is a proper lady, acting like everything is fine, keeping her grace. "There was something you wished to convey to me?"

"Yes, it concerns Daath."

They say some things about factions and war in the middle of the Order, something about the Grand Maestro and the Fon Master. She asks for Natalia's stance on it, and then I just block it all out, and let their words fly above my head. It's none of my business and it's nothing I particularly care about right now. It's dark in her closet (more like a hallway then a closet, by the way), and I feel so close to being discovered, that I even try to make my breathing sound quiet.

"Why do you ask such a thing, General?"

"Well, a fight of sorts had broken out at the sanctuary today…

"Oh my! Was anyone hurt?"

"Not badly. My soldiers broke it up. I was worried what the public would do if they found out about what side you're on, so-"

I look around, seeing barely in front of my eyes. I reach out a hand, immediately feeling silk and lace. A dress. When I squint, I see dozens of them. Ballgowns and everyday dresses, even her outfit she wears for the Coliseum, rounded hem and puffy sleeves. It reminds me of that night, as soon as I spot it. Sometimes, even on the journey we went on with Luke and the others, it still did. It was more embarrassing then anything else.

I see her training clothes, probably the only pair of pants she owned. She was so womanly, I swear.

I reach out a hand, brushing it along the bodice and skirt of another dress. Rich fabric meant for a royal to wear. There's a dozen of them here, a couple several to spare. I think back to my clothes. Cheap cotton and affordable outfits. Only a small dresser to hold mine. The differences between our statuses were so blinding, always there, all the time.

"I assure you, I shall be fine."

"I only advise for you to be safe."

"Was this honestly so urgent, General?"

"…No, I suppose not. My apologies."

"You needn't. I appreciate your concern. I know how I should stand as a political figure, worry not."

"There is also something else I need to report."

"Oh? What is it?"

I don't think about it too much, but Natalia's expensive perfumed clothing around me compels me to. I know I'm a servant, and I'm fine with that. I could go back to Malkuth, and reveal myself as a survivor Hod, and be given back my title, I know. But that means I'd have to give up Luke and Natalia, the two most precious people to me. I'd be giving up the life I've gotten used to here. I'm at a standstill with my feelings. I guess I'm waiting for something to motivate me to decide. Maybe I've already settled. In any case, I'm here. I'm a servant. And right now I'm a servant who's having an affair with his best friend's fiancé. I'm hiding in her closet (her _hallway _of a closet is probably more appropriate), because I don't want us to get caught.

I want to marry Natalia. I do. In fact, Natalia was probably the only woman I would've married if she hadn't been claimed. I bet if we weren't in an affair and this was all okay, we would most likely have been planning the wedding already.

But it's an affair. And it's not okay. I'm risking things just to be with her, and as romantic as that sounds, it's actually not. In actuality, it's really stupid. I meant it when I said I'd take the blame if they found out I was sleeping with her. I probably _would _be executed if that happened. I don't want her to suffer, and when she had showed up at the port, in that harsh storm, I did make a promise.

Natalia's risking it all. Natalia's giving me a chance. I'm going to make sure she stays unharmed no matter what happens between us. I'm going to protect her.

Nobles and royals are simple people. If we were found out, they want someone to blame. So I'll let them blame me. Natalia, they're too close to. Natalia, they trust and know and love. What would they care of some simple servant? He's the culprit. I'll let them think that. He's the cad. Let's punish him. Of course the princess played no willing part. She's too pure. She's a lady. He's a lowly servant. Blue-bloods want it black and white, clear cut, effortless, and easy to swallow. So I'll gladly give them that.

Am I like this just because I feel obligated to her? Or because I just love her?

"Oracle Knights?" Natalia asks, somewhat catching my attention.

"Yes. They've been requesting strange texts from our libraries."

"For what reason?"

"They've been requests from the Grand Maestro, your Highness. He says it is for research of some sort."

"I see. What kinds of books, if I may ask?"

"Biographies on past members of the royal family."

"How strange…What would he want with that?"

"I'm not sure, your Highness. But I suggest that you be on your guard."

Luke doesn't want to be married to Natalia. I know that much. He finds her annoying and doesn't want any part of it. This much I know. This, I'm fine with. However, what I'm not sure of is of Natalia. I know she clings to a childhood marriage promise. I know she has, but I've grown uncertain as to whether this is still true. She sees Luke regularly and speaks of love and weddings to him. This all just misses him; just all goes right past his head. She tells me that this is because it would become suspicious if she stopped her normal behavior on the matter. She sees him so much, because it's expected of her. She speaks of promises and engagements because he assumes she will. That's what she told me the reason was.

I'm second-guessing her. Second-guessing us, altogether.

I've read once that there is no such thing as a happy affair. I've always thought we were the exception, the ones who proved them wrong. We were young and happy and in love. We were content and fine and…and…

Well, know what? That was a lie. We aren't content at all with this. Why are we forbidden to be together? Why can't I marry her? I feel like this is an unspoken problem between us. We never confront it, and we never talk about it. We just ignore it. And you know what else? That's probably the worst thing you can do with problems.

"Is that all, General Cecille?"

"Yes, your Highness. I shall take my leave now."

"Farewell. May we see each other again soon."

"Of course, Prin…cess…"

Suddenly I'm brought out of my mind, back to their conversation with this. General Cecille trailed off at the end of her last sentence, like her mind was focused on something else, completely forgetting that she was mid-sentence. There is a pause of silence, and I want to see what's going on, but I can't.

"General Cecille? Is anything the matter?" Natalia pipes up, as confused as I am. She doesn't respond, and there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with her. But only that she's unfocused. That she has seen something wrong. For awhile I'm worried she's spotted me somehow, and begin to panic.

"…No, your Highness. It is nothing."

But with this, I'm calm again, and we're out of the hot water. I hear more words of goodbye, and footsteps. I close my eyes so the dark won't feel like it's pushing in on me.

Where am I? How did I get here? Well, quite simply it's because I'm a servant, and to be with her is wrong. We've driven this point home more times that we should've. I want to marry her. I do. I love her and wish for more. I want more. I'm sick of hiding and social obligations and rules. I don't want to hide. I want to be her's. I want her as mine. I want the privilege of being known as her beau. I want. I love. I love her. And I'm sick of knowing that that's wrong.

I'd like to know that our love isn't a mistake.

The door opens, and she finds me as she left me, her secret in the closet. She tells me that I'll have to leave now. The dressmaker will be coming soon. We can't risk anything else.

It's not until I'm halfway out of the castle, Sophie guiding me, that I realize I've left my collar with Natalia.

* * *

"Guy, Ramdas wishes to see you."

I look up from where I'm bended over Luke's desk where he sits, helping him study again, this time in his room. The maid still has her hand on the knob of the door, face serious, but a bit worried. This worries me too.

"What for?" I ask, standing up fully. Luke looks bored, slightly interested at this. The maid shrugs.

"He didn't tell me. He's waiting in the drawing room though." She frowns, "You didn't do anything wrong, did you?"

I laugh, "Not that I know of!"

She smiles, and I see her loosen up a bit. It's true. When Ramdas wants to see you directly, without any forewarning than it rarely seems like it's something good. But I don't want her to worry about me, and try to make ease of the situation. I can see Luke frown from the corner of my eye.

"Can't you tell him to wait? Guy's helping me." He whines. The maid smiles an uncertain, awkward smile.

"I was told to take his place, Master Luke, as Guy attends to other matters. I shall help you."

Luke sighs an obvious and tired sigh at this. It's extremely rude and I feel like giving him one over the head for it; but I don't have time and decide to just lecture him later. Instead I give him a quick smile and tell him I'll be back soon, and take my leave. I flinch as the maid's shoulder barely brushes mine as she passes me, but soldier on nonetheless. I wonder if he's going to scold me about getting so close to Luke again. Had someone seen me sneak into his room, or talk to him? I have a tendency of establishing relationship with those higher a status than me. Maybe it's because I never consider myself a servant through and through.

I'm used to being reprimanded for communicating with those above me. Maybe that's why I'm so frustrated with it now.

I find him where she told me he would be, and note that General Cecille is there as well. Her arms are crossed and she's glaring at me. I wonder what I've done to offend her, but shrug it off. I'll probably find out later. Or soon, more likely. I bow to them both, back straight, like I'm supposed to. I'm not bothered by this. I'm used to it now. Nothing wrong with showing manners.

"You called, sir?"

"Yes." Ramdas responds, "You have a visitor. General Cecille wishes to speak with you about something."

I stand up fully and look at her. She has the same blue eyes of my mother, of Mary. The same dignified stance of mother, too, the stance of a Kimlascan woman. She's my cousin. I was surprised to find her when I first got to Baticul, to see how the original Cecille family was doing. I hadn't planned on that, but it just happened. I finally knew of the relatives I never met.

Mother's family was shamed after she married my father, a Malkuthian count. They've been working hard to regain respect and favor. Jozette (General Cecille) has been working through the military ranks to help in that cause; Duke Fabre has been helping her. There was more political conflict, but it doesn't really matter now. I know she doesn't know who I really am though. They think that all the Gardios family died in the war. I'm not sure if I want to reveal myself to her. There's no real point to it, anyway.

"I see." I smile, and bow my head to her, "It's my pleasure."

General Cecille looks to Ramdas, "You're dismissed. I'd like to speak with him alone, if you don't mind."

Ramdas casts me a suspicious look, wondering on the circumstances. In the end, he bows and takes his leave, motioning the White Knights in the room to follow suit. The door closes with a creak and click, and we're unaccompanied. I smile another reassuring smile.

"Is there anything I can help you with, General?" I ask, kindly watching my words and stance. I honestly had no idea why she wanted to see me, what I did to bring upon this. She gives me a strict look, and reaches into her pocket, pulling out something slowly. My heart drops when I see it there, dangling, glinting in her hand. Like it was grinning the grin of a traitor.

She had my collar.

At first, I panic. Were we found out? This was really the end for us; really no way I can explain myself out of this one. I try to think of an excuse, but they're all faulty and easy to break through. Second, I wonder if that's really the case. Maybe she just thought I lost it? And was returning it, yeah, none the wiser to anything else.

This seems faulty too, and my voice fails me. It's not like I can say anything to that anyway.

"I found this in Princess Natalia's chamber." She explains, voice hard and unforgiving, "Care to explain why this was there?"

It's not a question. It's an order. My legs weaken and I feel the dread in my stomach. I gulp and look away from the collar, the gold and symbol that has ratted me out. General Cecille's eyes never leave me, and it's that awful feeling of being caught, and no way to escape the punishment or the explanation you have to give. The game's lost, the fun's over, and now it's time to answer to reality and to suffer consequences.

"Well, Guy?" She pressures, "Can you explain to me why it was there?"

I can't. But I decide to try anyway, and compose myself, change my expression and appearance, and just wing it.

"Ah, yes. About that. The last time the Princess was here, she asked to see it. I guess she forgot to give it back and took it home." I lie, and smile what I hope looks stable. She looks sternly at me, not faltering or taking the bait. I worry it wasn't good enough, and wait for her to point out the mistakes I made.

"I'm surprised. I wouldn't expect you to allow her Highness to get so close to you." Her eyes narrow, "If I recall correctly, you're gynophobic, yes?"

She drew out her words, slow and accusing. It's obviously a rhetoric question. I have nothing to fight back with this, and stay quiet, avoiding her eyes. I try to think of other things to say, but she cuts in before I can. She won't let me defend myself.

"There's no use telling me lies. I thought it was suspicious how she was so familiar with you. She always told me it was because she was helping you get used to the idea, but this…" Cecille shook her head disapprovingly, "This, I should've known."

Like it was some sort of dangerous habit. Something forbidden or taboo, something you had to hide. Which it was. Sadly enough, it was the exact same thing. She was lecturing me, and let out a loud sigh, crossing her arms.

"I'm not entirely sure your relationship with the Princess, and I'm not even sure I _want _to know. But I can definitely tell it's neither good nor healthy."

_Healthy._ Like this could kill us or something, or that the very fact we were doing this meant we were out of our very minds. _Healthy_ like it was an illness. A dangerous, self-abusing habit. A game that we didn't take seriously. Made us insane. Made us _ill._

Still I said nothing, because to say more would just drown me in more hot water than I was already in. I just stared at the carpet, the flowery ornate design curving and forming pretty pictures while I listened.

"The princess is of a higher rank than you. Surely you know that? And I don't mean to be rude, but you _are_ a servant. The differences are too vast. You two come from completely different worlds. There is no such thing as a good ending for the both of you."

Like I didn't know this already? She made it sound like I was irresponsible, had to be told the consequences. As if I wasn't an adult in society's eyes at all. Still a child, asking a girl already taken to be my Valentine.

"If you _were_ to become involved with the Princess, I'm sure you would wish to marry her. And do you know what that leads to? You would become King. You have no sort of training for that, no bearing whatsoever. It would overwhelm you. One does not simply become a nobleman, but learns to from hardships and training. However, you lack the prerequisites. As a servant, how would you understand politics, manners, etiquette, and leadership? I'm sorry to say, but it's ill-suited."

I wanted to tell her that I'm a Gardios. Her cousin. That I _can_ handle it, that I _did_ have some of the training. I'm not sure if I'd fill in the position of King well, but if it was for her…I'd do it. It sounds incredibly stupid, but I'd do it. But I couldn't tell her this, and let her preach.

"Speaking of that, have you forgotten your master? I'm sure you remember Master Luke's engagement to her Highness. Would you betray your own master to have a chance with the Princess? As his servant, you are expected to make his life easier, to put your complete loyalty to him. But as this…this is being needlessly selfish. I hope you will do away with these whims."

Because that's what they were, right? Just whims. I'm not in love, I'm not fully aware of what I'm doing. I'm just following simple whims, pleasing fancies, like the stupid child I was. To her. Wasn't I older than her? God, it was like she was insulting me. I _knew _what I was doing and…and…

…_Why _was I doing it? Now that I think about it, what is really the point? What was it all worth? Because I love her, right?

Is love enough, though?

"I suggest you stop this altogether, even. Stop leading on the Princess. It's not possible. If there is any sort of relationship between you two, I want you to stop it. There is no future, and no chance it could work. It is _forbidden. Wrong._ Am I getting to you? Do you know the saying 'If you follow the rules, you won't get into trouble?' Well, I recommend you follow it now."

Leading her on. Leading her on…am I doing that? No, it's consensual. Natalia is a part of this too. We're both responsible for this. Maybe we're leading on each other?

In fact, are we even really in love? Or is this simply infatuation? We're fascinated with the danger and the rule-breaking, and not with each other. We just want to live on the wild side, want to become hooligans for awhile, with each other.

We talk like friends, and we flirt like lovers. We flirt more often than we talk now, ever since we had sex. Is this even for the love anymore?

"Do you understand? I'm telling you to do away with any selfish ideas, you have."

If this wasn't for love, than what was it for? I weigh my options, ignoring this question, this thought pattern altogether. I love Natalia. This is the benefits, if I continue this relationship. But what are the consequences? Ruined reputations, possible death, hiding, and keeping secrets.

It's so unfair. What was the point anymore? Is love really enough?

Is love really enough to risk it?

"I'm not going to tell. To do so would ruin the Princess entirely. I'll let you off with a warning, but if I get any inkling whatsoever that you're still involved with her, I'll have to step in and take care of it myself." She threatened me, her arms crossed and face stern from where I can see from the above of my eyes. I don't say anything, don't show any emotion to prove her true. I study the carpet still, avoiding her face. She pauses for a moment, then moves forward, my nerves suddenly alert at the closeness.

She holds her hand out, the collar resting in her palm, the gold and green a stark contrast on her white glove.

"Here." She orders me to take it, and with a shaking hand I do. She knows of my phobia, and knows I was scared to take it back. It's a warning in and of itself too. No mercy. Not if I was hurting her Highness.

"Do you understand what I tell of you?" She asks, voice commanding. I nod slowly, wishing she'd just step back a few inches so my heart would stop pounding in fear. I don't do it myself because it would be rude and weak.

"…Yes, ma'am."

"Well, then. If you excuse me."

I bow on instinct, like a good servant, and in moments, the sound of the door closing is made. I'm left with my thoughts and the silence, and finally raise my head. As I put on my collar again, I'm still asking the same question, worried about the obvious answer.

Was it enough to love someone to risk it all?

* * *

I never told Natalia about the visit from General Cecille. I did tell Sophie though. And all she had done was shake her head, and look at me with those pity-filled eyes.

"I'm not sure what to tell you, Guy. I mean, you guys are so _happy _together, it'd just be tragic if you broke it off."

"What if she finds us out again?"

"You'll have to be more careful then."

I wanted to ask her if love was enough. In the end, I never did. To this day, I wonder why. But, then again, to this day, it's too late.

I mull this over in my mind as I sit in the royal garden, on the pretty black bench, Natalia leaning against me, looking up at the stars. Her head is right on a bruise I got that day from helping move some heavy furniture, but I don't ask her to move. The bruise throbs on my shoulder, but I don't _want_ her to move at all.

"Do you suppose you can wish on more than one falling star?" She asked me simply. I looked up with her, those glittering stars across the dark sky in my gaze.

"You mean, do you get one wish per falling star you see?" I clarify. She nods, irritating the bruise some more.

"Yes."

"I would think so."

"Don't you think it's a tad bit greedy though?"

I shrug, irritating the bruise myself. "Well, technically there aren't any concrete rules. So I say, go for it."

I can see her smile from the corner of my eye. It makes me smile too.

These sort of comfy moments, where we talk about simple, sweet things are what I cherish the most. Is what I love the most. The time of life where you don't have to worry about anything, just let it all go, and soak in life and living and existing. It feels nice, really nice.

But is it worth it enough to hazard everything else?

I try to let this thought go, but I can't, and I can't just drift from my problems and worries. Now they concern her, this small pretty girl on my shoulder, hurting me unknowingly; physically and emotionally.

"Hey, sweetheart?"

"It's Natalia."

"Right, right." I nod, letting this roll of my shoulder, too focused on my question. "Um…can I ask something?"

"Of course." She mutters, grabbing my hand, rubbing her thumb over the backside of my hand. It's a soothing motion, rhythmic and considerate. It almost makes me back down from what I'm going to ask, but I don't. I need to know. I need to know there's no reason for us to split, no other reason for us to end it all, other than it's forbidden.

"Do you…do you still love Luke?"

She pauses, and settles her head into my arm, her thumb still making circles on my skin. The bruise aches.

"Why do you ask that?"

"Just wondering. You know, ever since he found out."

I wanted to think love was enough. I'd love to, really honestly would. I want to be a romantic and think we were meant to be, and that no matter what would happen, we were destined for each other. That we'd overcome every adversary and triumph over any challenge, and in the end have this fabulous wedding and live happily ever after. I'd love to think life is like that, but it isn't. Take away all the pretty glamour, and in the end all we are, are cheaters and selfish perverts. All we wanted was thrills and flirting and fast relationships. We wanted the danger. She wants the temporariness of it.

Reality says this will end one day, and sadly enough it's true. Reality says there's no such thing as self-sacrificing love, but instead expecting something to come out of it, something for you. We're all selfish people, and in the end, Natalia and I aren't perfect. I honestly don't want to be caught, honestly can't fully believe in her ideal of a perfect romance, of everything just working out on their own. I can't have her figure out about me fully, can't tell her the past. Natalia's problem?

Well, my sweetie, she just couldn't let go of stupid promises that happened God knows how long ago. She's clingy and desperate. Of course, I never found this out until later. Until then, she lied to me.

"Worry not." She laughed, and kissed my arm, right on the bruise. "Rest easy. You are the only one I love."

I looked ahead, trying to dissect her words, trying to see if she slipped up. But I couldn't find anything wrong with them, and just smiled and kissed the top of her head. I took her words as truth, putting my full trust in her.

It was the first time she lied to me.

* * *

In some stories there are arranged marriages. They always tell about how cruel the fiancé is, and how the bride is unhappy. She's forced to marry without love, without a say in the matter, and it's all very tragic. Poor girl! Oh if only her parents would listen to her, if only life was different!

Then they tell of some handsome, dashing hero coming along and sweeping her off her feet, and finally she finds love. They're so perfect for each other, and they're so happy, and all they have to deal with is that pesky, evil, and cruel fiancé. They tell of stories where they keep their love a secret, and then fight for it, and then thwart the cruel fiancé, and get their happy ending. They tell us stories like this. Yet, what they don't tell you (what Natalia hadn't told me back then) was something even more tragic.

They never say 'What if she loved the fiancé too?'

With the cruel fiancé, who might not be that bad. That, hey! What if it was consensual? A shared love. What if she loved his red hair? What if she loved who he had been, who he represented? What happens to the tragic girl and her dashing hero then? What if he still sweeps her off her feet, and what if they _don't _want to thwart the not-so-bad-just-in-the-way fiancé? What then?

Fairy tales don't tell you about this. They wrap us up in clichés and predictable solutions, putting the vision of our worlds through a sort of film covering. Everything looks black and white and then it's all easier to solve and figure out. Fairy tales help us get rid of all that annoying gray and makes our lives easier.

However I had been facing the gray and it refused to be black or white. Fairy tales don't give you solutions for this. They avoid it entirely and that had put me in quite a spot.

I had been filling the role of the dashing hero, and I hadn't been sure what to do, already having done my part in the play. The writer had left me there, left the story unfinished, and I was left to my own devices. Left to write my own lines. I had been on my own. The one woman I could've looked to for help had already helped. I had been left with the unfaithful fickle princess and she still wanted the fiancé. No wonder it has ended.

This all rolls around in my mind as I plan how to catch the bird. The past brought back ugly memories, horrid reminders; but maybe that's good. I mean, if I remembered the better times, I'd just want her back.

But it had been too much. Way too much to deal with, too much to handle. Love hadn't been enough. Not for her, or me.

Not for us.

It's over, and yet still, it hurts. Maybe if she were still here Sophie could help sort out these feelings. But she's far away now, and all I'm left with is her red scarf.

…I'll think I'll use bread. Use it as a trail to trick him into the birdcage. Yeah. That should work. I'm trying to keep myself busy so I won't remember. So I don't have to remember love that never worked out, or Sophie, or anything. All I want to think about is a bird I'm out to save. All I want to think about it tomorrow.

All I want to remember is her.

I want to leave the past alone. Just for once, I'd like to move on.

* * *

Well that's the end of the chapter! Thank you for reading!

Mmm…yes. I realize that the mood changed a whole lot from the beginning to the end. First he sounded all laid-back, and then Guy's speech patterns got all serious on us. I'm not sure how to explain this other than…bad writing. Yeah, that's about it. Sorry, so sorry. Dx

Also, sorry it took so long. I'm trying to get this out as soon as I can, but it's my senior year now, so…yeah. But in the end, that in and of itself is an excuse and I'm sorry. So, so sorry. D:

I'm pretty sure half of you have already given up on this fic, but I plan on finishing it regardless. I'd like to finish a story, at least once. It'd be nice.

…In any case, gloominess aside! Thank you for reading, once more! I'm uber grateful that people even read this filth. So thank you! Thank you! : ]

Ciao!

-Apple Fairy


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